


The War to End All Wars

by moonbythesea



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, F/M, Minor Character Death, Origin Story, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 151,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25736281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbythesea/pseuds/moonbythesea
Summary: Her eyes widen as she watched the shadowy figure from yesterday jump from the rafters to the ground with a sudden thud. His mask was still on and something shiny caught her attention. Her blood ran cold as she suddenly put the pieces together of who this man- no- soldier was. She’s heard the legends whispered at night. Natalia was never one to be afraid however at the sight of his metal arm gleaning she understood why Madam Irene was so afraid to have her fight him."So you're the Winter Soldier?" Natasha stated trying to find the man behind the mask.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Comments: 122
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is my take on a Black Widow origin and how she grows throughout the MCU. Buckle up this is going to be a long one! I have this work broken up into 4 phases that follow the marvel movies and the first phase is all about Natasha's origin and how she joined shield. So here is the start of Phase 1!

February 14, 2009

Her hearing is her first sense to come back to her as water hits metals. Natasha starts to struggle as she hears footsteps approach only to realize they matched the pace that her heart was beating.

Slowly regaining consciousness she is assaulted by the smell of blood and metal. Her vision was blurred and she blinked repeatedly, trying to make the black dots disappear. She was gasping desperately for air as the cold night air chilled her body. She heard a groan beside her and suddenly her mission came back to her.

Natasha was driving and her tires had swerved off the side of the road. She closes her eyes again when things start to turn fuzzy. She remembered them falling off the cliffs edge into the water below. 

She looked over to see the nuclear engineer next to her. Quickly she checks for a pulse and swiftly cuts the seat belt off of her. She has a concussion, but she has no time to worry about her injuries. She remembered how she lost control of the wheel and scolded herself for not acting quicker.

“We’ve been compromised, requesting backup,” Natasha spoke into her earpiece, wincing at the sound of her cracked voice.

“Back up on its way making their way towards you. Times around 3 minutes.” She heard Hill reply. Natasha quickly formulated a plan knowing they couldn’t stay in the car for cover. 

Natasha pulls the engineer out of his seat and tries to get him out of the car. She tried shaking him however he was unresponsive. Natasha swallows down the panic reminding her that someone is out there and she needs to be level headed. 

Natasha shields the engineer’s body with her own as a deadly voice comes into her head, they come first. She shakes her head, focus Natasha. The water freezes her body but she keeps moving, she has to get this man to Odessa.

She quickens her pace thinking about how open they are when she hears the faints snap. The man under her groans and lets out a terrifying shout and when Natasha twists her head around to analyze the threat she hears a shot however it isn’t the ringing in her ears or the pain in her stomach that makes her feel numb.

Standing just on top of the tree is the man who plagues her nightmares every night.

Natasha can hear her mission’s heartbeat stop, however, she doesn’t have room to process it yet when her ghost has come back to haunt her. She could hear Hill’s voice asking what’s happening in her earpiece and that they’ll be there in two minutes. Natasha almost laughs; she won’t be alive in two minutes.

The Asset approaches her like a predator approaching his prey and she shivers remembering a time when they did this every day. Natasha had thought about the days when she wished for this day to happen however she knew that it was with bitter hopes that it could have been sweeter.

She could taste her blood as the water around her bleed red. She could feel herself come a little closer to death with every step he took closer to her. The metallic taste in her mouth made her choke and gag.

She closed her eyes ready for her predator to finish her off when she remembered a promise she made to someone a long time ago.

I want you to live.

Natasha opened her eyes however it was too late. The Asset was already upon her. She stared into the black goggles wishing for just one more chance to look into his eyes. His mask covered his whole face however images of him were still fresh in her mind.

How could she keep her promise to him when she knew that her living would only hurt his own? She knew that if she managed to make it out alive he would be punished for his mistake. She couldn’t hurt him anymore then she already has. It was her fault that he was still like this. 

She felt an arm pull up her shoulder and was confused; there was a spark of hope that maybe just maybe he recognized her. It died instantly when he placed her on her knees. He put a gun to her head as he checked to make sure that his mark was dead.

The blond wig she had been using as a cover fell off and her red locks spilled out falling below her shoulders. When the asset’s eyes landed on her again he froze. A metallic hand reached out to touch her hair and she didn’t let herself hope this time. She closed her eyes and tried to remember the better times.

She remembered the way they fought together and how they knew every move they each other was going to make before it even happened. She remembered their first time and how every time he kissed her like it might be the last time he ever saw her again. She wished for those days when she didn’t feel empty anymore.

She lived a life of constant pain, not just because she had to live without him but because she knew that he lived a life of slavery, a life that she failed to free him of.

“Just do it already.” She said pushing her head farther to the gun. She was ready for death to claim her empty life. She had failed her mission; she would never be able to clean her ledger that was bleeding red. The hand in her hair froze as if he had just remembered where he was.

Slowly his metallic hand released itself from her hair and Natasha shivered remembering how that same hand used to hold her. Hill’s voice from the comm broke the silence and slowly his hand reached up and ripped the earpiece from her head crushing it into bits and pieces.

“Complete your mission, James.” She spoke to him looking up into his soulless goggles. The Asset roughly grabbed her face and brought it close to his finally lifted her face to truly study her. She didn’t want to remember the first time he did this to her all those years ago, how once again she saw her face in the reflection of those goggles.

She wondered what he was looking for, but quickly Natasha heard him take the safety off the gun and wondered if they made him prefer to look his victims in the eyes as he killed them.

Natasha kept eye contact with him even after he let go of her face however when the gun was brought down in front of her she couldn’t help but close her eyes. Instead of hearing the sound of a bullet piercing her skull everything went dark.

.

.

.

1990

Everyone whispered that she was forged from fire. Others claimed that her hair wasn’t always fiery red, however, the fire that claimed her parents' lives had turned her hair blood red in remembrance of that night. She will always have a reminder that she will always have blood on her hands.

Every morning when Natalia woke up and saw red, she knew exactly what it meant. At first, she was horrified at what the other children were saying about her however as more time went on, she decided to use their insults against them.

“Sloppy Natalia try harder.” Her instructor, Madam Irene snapped as she watched Natalia fall to the ground. She held back the tears; there was no room for tears in the Red Room. She got back up again.

“Graceful and elegant are what we are trying to achieve, not a stumbling oaf.” Her instructor scolded. Natalia tried to keep her face blank. Her feet ached from the hours spent practicing ballet.

“Again.” Natalia got back on the bar and closed her eyes before practicing the moves again. Her instructor didn’t say anything else about Natalia for the rest of the time, which was a good sign; compliments in the Red Room were few and far between.

Natalia continued dancing for hours and slowly her instructor let the other girls go one by one until Natalia was the last one in the room.

“If you ever perform like that again, I can promise you the outcomes will not be in your favor. The Red Room has no time for failures.” She said glaring down at Natalia’s small figure.

“You will continue to practice until you can’t stand anymore.” Madam Irene said walking out of the room.

Natalia was left standing alone in a room full of mirrors. She looked at herself and tired green eyes stared back at her. Suddenly an emotion that she hadn’t felt in years came out. It was a raw feeling of pure rage. Natalia couldn’t control her body as hour after hour Natalia danced until the floors became bloody with every step she took.

Natalia danced until finally her legs collapsed and she smiled to herself as she curled up on the floor surrounded in a pool of her blood. She had completed the task her instructor had given her and because of that, her instructor had made a monster. Natalia could still feel the rage burning in her, and it would stay with her for many years to come.

.

.

.

The Red Room didn’t tolerate failure. After months of being in the Red Room Natalia watched as slowly after every month a new bed was emptied. With the person that had occupied it, was never seen or heard from again.

Natalia kept to herself like the rest of the children, they never spoke to each other unless told to. Natalia found out quickly it was best to be unattached. The Red Room was built off of fierce competition, which started at a young age. To survive you had to be the best of the best.

Her instructors would take all younger students out of their routine once a month to show just how important it was to be the best.

Natalia watched as student versus student went after each other's throats. They used only their bare hands. She tried to keep the disgust off her face as she watched a girl bite a guy’s ear off. Madam Irene passed by each of the children lined up on the sides and stopped at Natalia once when the teenage girl was announced the winner. When the girl smiled there was blood dripping out of her mouth.

“This could be you one day if you're lucky you’ll be the one that wins.” She whispers to Natalia while running her hand through Natalia’s flaming hair. Natalia held back a shiver looking back to the blood that painted the other girl's lips. 

“There is no such thing as luck,” Natalia responds almost robotically. She could feel her instructor smile as she pressed her blood-red lips to Natalia’s head.  
.

.

.

2000

16-year-old Natalia watched with a somber expression as the younger students visited their defense class. She could tell exactly how long a student has been in the Red Room by the emptiness in their eyes.

Everything was a game in this place, except there was only really one rule, kill or be killed. Natalia trained to be the best. Her feet were beaten raw every morning at dance that they almost seemed permanently stained black and blue. Her hands weren’t in much better condition now due to sparring class.

It was only her face that seemed unmarred much to her displeasure. Her teachers forbade it. They didn’t want to risk damaging her face when she had so much potential. Natalia learned early on to use her looks to her advantage while fighting.

“Natalia.” Madam Irene called out snapping her back into the present. Natalia cursed at herself for getting lost in thought, those things get you killed here.

“Come with me.” Her mentor said and Natalia calmly got up to follow just as she was trained to do, one pace behind, you were never considered their equals, walking beside them was forbidden.

Madam Irene led her into a different training room. Natalia’s eyes scanned the room taking in every detail; she’d never been in this room before. It was like every other training room that was half dance studio half fighting facility however something was off.

No mirrors. Natural lighting Natalia thought to herself and looked around it was different from the other rooms. She surveyed the room looking for potential threats. She counted 5 people in total there however a shadow flickered and her eyes instantly shot towards the corner.

She straightens as she takes in the sight of the man lurking in the corner. He caught her off guard. Natalia reprimanded herself for that while taking in the man’s appearance, or what she could make out from it.

His face was mostly covered up by the fact that he was wearing a mask, which Natalia mostly just skipped over, there are other ways to find out about a person. She could hear her instructors telling her. He wasn’t particularly huge however she could tell he was all muscle. The man in the mask was standing across the room from her and she could already tell that he had at least a foot on her. 

Before she could get in too deep in her observations of the masked man, someone started speaking and her mentors gestured to a young man with his hair shaved off inside the fighting ring. At first glance Natalia saw that the man wore his muscles like a suit of armor, this made her smirk inward. Natalia was curious as to what this was about. She thought for sure that they would try to make her fight the masked man.

Without hesitation, Natalia swung herself into the ring. She had never seen this man before or how he fought, but she could tell by the look of easy confidence in his eyes said it all. His eyes scanned over her and she was used to the look of lust that men give her. Good. She thought to herself and batted her eyelashes at him for an extra precaution. Her opponent smirked and winked.

I’m going to make you hurt. Natalia thought giving one last saccharine smile before running. Her opponent never saw her coming. He thought he was a wolf among sheep, I guess no one told him there’s only one wolf here.

He was quick to respond to her attack, and while he was taller and stronger than she was, Natalia knew how to use that against him. She was a lot faster than him and dodged most of his punches at first. She was forced to put her guard up. Smart, she thought watching her opponent. He’s trying to tire me out. That won’t do.

Natalia waited for her opening, and without hesitation, she wrapped her hand tightly around his fist and twisted it until there was a satisfying crack. She was then able to use that arm and his body mass against him by jumping and wrapping her legs around his neck and taking him down his face was flat against the floor. Natalia was left standing on top of the man she had pinned to the floor. She heard him give out a weak cry of pain, Natalia’s eyes went to her mentors in search of approval. With a nod of Madam Irene’s head, Natalia had claimed victory. 

“Very good Natalia.” Madam Irene said stepping into the ring. She was elegant when lifting the ropes to enter. Her heels clicked perfectly against the concrete creating a haunting echo. She ignored the man on the ground lying next to her as she went to pet Natalia’s hair. Natalia only nodded in response, knowing better than to speak unless asked a question.

“As you can see after only a decade of training she can already take down one of your most effective soldiers, she’s the perfect candidate.” Her mentor told the other men in the room. She ran her hand through Natalia’s hair, grooming her.

Natalia pushed the bile taste down in her throat at that thought. Focusing on her surroundings Natalia’s eyes found the shadowy masked man’s figure. His mask and goggles made it impossible for her to tell where he was looking. He stood back from the rest, his stance was rigid as if he was constantly alert by the way he held himself. 

Natalia was many things, however a fool she was not. These people wanted to see her fight yet it was clear that her real opponent was standing in the shadows, the true threat in this room.

“She’d make the perfect Black Widow.” Madam Irene said snapping Natalia back into the conversation. The men dressed in fancy suits looked back over at Natalia studying her. Natalia saw the appreciative glance he gave her body and refused to let it intimidate her. Her body was a weapon, and if push came to shove it was very easy to replace a man wearing a nice suit.

“Perhaps a trail run is in order.” A short man said walking into the room. He was quite odd-looking with a face just perhaps a little too large for his body and glasses a bit too big. His accent wasn’t Russian that was for sure. His eyes, however, are where the true terror came in. When he studied Natalia there was nothing sexual about his cold calculating gaze.

He looked at Natalia as if she were a specimen under a microscope, to be picked apart and studied piece by piece. Natalia found that she preferred the men who only saw her sexually any day; at least she could tell what they wanted. An uneasy feeling took hold of her, however, she refused to let it show.

“What do you mean by trial, Dr. Zola?” Madam Irene asked. Natalia has never heard of this man, and she quickly took note of it for any possible future need of intel. 

“If she can do exactly what you say she can do, then she should be able to stand several amounts of training without the serum.” Dr. Zola said and she could feel her instructor’s posture stiffened.

“She should be able to survive 8 weeks of training with our asset, and if she survives then we shall give her the serum. Call it, shall we say extra practice.” Dr. Zola continued his voice haunting in the silent room. Natalia stayed silent in this whole affair.

“You can’t mean that she’s our most advanced student. You must realize that we can’t possibly risk our best chance-“ Madam Irene began however Dr. Zola cut her off.

“Yes, well you can easily train another girl like her, that’s why you have your academy. We only have a limited amount of the serum. You can take up our offer, or leave it. There are always other girls.” Dr. Zola argued. Natalia tried not to flinch. She could feel the neatly concealed anger she felt start to bubble to the surface again, however, she pushed it back down. She dug her nails into her palms until she could feel blood dripping.

Her mentor was clearly at a loss from the way this argument was going and decided it was for the best if Natalia was taken back to her room. Natalia wanted to argue, this was about her life, however, her training refused to let her as she gracefully walked out of the room.

Pure panic took over Natalia as she was back in her room. What had she gotten herself into? Natalia was thinking of exit escapes, and what to take with her when her door opened a couple minutes later.

Madam Irene walked in and for once she didn’t look in pristine condition. Her blond hair that was always held into a tight bun had the tiniest amount of hair falling out. Natalia didn’t take this as a good sign.

“You are to report to the same room every single day at dawn for the next 8 weeks unless told otherwise understood.” She stated and Natalia only nodded her head.

“As for my other classes?” Natalia asked hesitantly and Madam Irene faulted slightly.

“Canceled until further notice.” She said walking out of Natalia’s room with the same grace and pose that she had on the dance floor. Natalia had no way of accessing or finding out anything that was going on. What was going on? At the moment, Natalia wasn’t sure if she wanted to know.

.

.

.

When Natalia woke up it was still dark. Her heart was racing from another nightmare she couldn’t remember. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she leaped out of the bed. Her feet froze when they hit the concert, but she didn’t care.

Natalia needed a distraction; she needed a reason not to sleep. She looked over at the time and the bright red numbers staring back at her showed 4:57. Close enough. Natalia thought to herself as she started to prepare for her day.

She was dressed in the standard issued all black and escaped out of her room silently. Her training bag hung loosely from her shoulders and she attempted to put her hair up into a messy bun. She was quickly able to find the gym where she was told to report to however she was expecting to be alone.

Her eyes widen as she watched the shadowy figure from yesterday jump from the rafters to the ground with a sudden thud. His mask was still on and something shiny caught her attention. Her blood ran cold as she suddenly put the pieces together of who this man- no- soldier was. She’s heard the legends whispered at night. Natalia was never one to be afraid however at the sight of his metal arm gleaning she understood why Madam Irene was so afraid to have her fight him. 

But when the proof is right in front of her staring her in the eyes, or what she could tell are eyes, it’s hard to tell yourself there just ghost stories whispered in the children's rooms late at night.

“So you're the Winter Soldier,” Natasha stated and she wasn’t sure what she was expecting as a response, but she was met with silence. She waited patiently for him to make any signs to indicate what she should be doing. Instead, he studied her, or at least that’s what she thought he was doing. 

So she decided to start her day how she normally would, with dance. However when her feet so much as crossed onto that side of the room the Winter Soldier was there blocking her path. His arms folded across his chest and she looked up at him. 

She normally wasn’t considered a hothead, in fact, she was praised for her eased temper. But something about the Winter Soldier put her on edge in all the worst ways. 

“What would you like me to do…” She trailed off not knowing what to call him. He had no name that she was aware of. He pointed to the track and Natasha wondered if he just couldn’t speak with the mask on. 

“How long do you want me to run for?” She asked and he just sat down in a chair by the ring. She could feel her self control start to break as she started to run around the track with no goal. It was impossible to pace herself when she wasn’t sure how far she even had to go. 

The most infuriating thing was the entire time that she was running he just sat there and sharpened his knives. Natalia could feel her muscles start to ache after running for so long and when she felt as if her body was about to give he stood up from his chair and jumped into the ring. 

She slowed her pace to see what he was doing. The Winter Soldier made a hand gesture for her to hurry up and she grumbled something. If this was day one with the Winter Soldier she was going to hate week 2. 

She hastily entered in after him and within a second of her entering the breath was knocked out of her. Suddenly her vision was blinded by the light in the room. 

She watched him make a hand motion towards her telling her to get up. Natalia, however, was in a daze and was left wondering when they even started to fight. She got herself back up and he was instantly attacking her. She could do nothing to defend herself as she was once again taken out. 

She let out a painful groan as she got up again and his metal arm bent her arm back in an unpleasant manner. After hours of being beaten to the ground, Natasha was left wondering if he even spoke Russian. 

She didn’t find her answer out until the next day. All that she received as any indication of what to do was a hand signal. Which she apparently also had to translate. Natalia hated him and everything he was making her do. She hated the way he pushed her to run constantly and the way he threw her to the ground like she had no fighting skills whatsoever. She hated feeling weak and that was exactly how he made her feel. 

By the end of day two with him, all Natalia wanted was to curl up in a ball and breakdown. But she wasn’t allowed that sort of luxury. She would be forced to spend the next eight weeks with him whether she liked it or not. 

As Natalia curled up into a ball in her bed she decided that she was done playing the dotting student. If he was going to treat her like a nuisance then she was going to show him what a big pain in the ass she could be. 

.

.

.

On the third day, she arrived an hour earlier than normal. The academy was pitch black and she almost stumbled into at least three walls that she was almost positive weren’t there before. 

His back was turned to her as she entered the room. Once again he didn’t even acknowledge her existence. She didn’t even know what to call out to get his attention. Calling him by his title the Winter Soldier felt wrong. 

“Would you prefer for me to call you Winter Soldier, or something else?” Natalia asked cockily. She refused to let the fact that he could kill her at any second faze her. She grew up hearing stories of the Winter Soldier, however, she always thought they were just that, stories.

“Have it your way Comrade,” Natalia said and his response was just the same. He made a motion towards her bag, which she took as a sign meaning they were starting now. She let herself get excited, she wouldn’t have to run today. 

Quickly putting her bag on one of the benches Natalia calmly joined the Winter Soldier in the ring when he stopped her.

“What?” She asked and he pointed towards the indoor track. Her excitement died instantly. 

“Really?” She asked and he nodded his head before turning his back and sitting down. She gave him an incredulous look before she started running around the track. After every lap, he gave a hand motion that meant again.

Natalia had no idea what to think, wasn’t he here to train her or something? She was never a fan of running long distances for no reason. Maybe she could ask him to chase her around. At that thought, Natalia shook her head and took the time to start analyzing him. 

If she was ever going to beat him in the ring then she needed to find a weak point. There weren’t enough warm showers in the world to soothe her aching body. 

The Winter Soldier is known for being a God on the battlefield, and although she’s never seen him in a true fight with the mask along with his towering height it’s easy to tell he easily intimidates others.

After an hour of pure running, the Winter Soldier nodded his head at her, and she walked into the ring with him again. His mask was still on which always seemed to throw Natalia off at first. He didn’t give her any chances to think before he was right in her face flipping her over.

Natalia grunted in pain as her body hit the floor with a loud smack. Her vision blurred, and when it started to clear again all she saw was black combat boots. She almost spit on them. Instead, she looked up at the owner and put all her anger and embarrassment into one glare.

She was met with her reflection due to his goggles. She hated that she couldn’t see into his eyes. Maybe it was because he didn’t even seem human at that moment and Natalia wanted something to just snap.

“Get up.” He said. His voice was deep and cracked like an old record player. She blinked and wanted to hear him speak again, but shook that thought from her head standing up. He gave her a couple of seconds to recover before attacking again.

This time she didn’t go down within the first attack, but she still went down within minutes. Her mistake was going for his arms; it’s clearly a strong point. She learned that after her fourth go at him when she tried to land a blow to his head, and within a second he was able to block the attack while using his metal arm to grab ahold of her ankle and flipped her down to the ground again.

Natalia was starting to regret her choice of not staying in bed. The floor was cold as she panted trying to catch her breath. She knew the second she got up again it would start. It was an endless cycle, which she found herself in.

Much to her displeasure, the Winter Soldier hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“Again.” He said in a thick foreign accent. Natalia was getting tired of constantly having to look up at him from the ground. Taking in a deep breath, she stood up however in a hasty and possibly brash decision she decided to strike first.

She avoided the arms as they quickly whipped around trying to grab her. She wasn’t able to land a single blow on him however she was yanked at his hair. Something hit the floor with a bang and she could feel the Winter Soldier tense as he kicked out her legs.

Natalia landed right beside the thing that dropped, a pair of black goggles with her reflection staring back at her. She blinked in confusion before picking them up. She grimaced at her bloody hands that smeared the crystal lenses. Her hands were shaking with anticipation as she was finally able to get to see more of the legendary ghost.

When she looked up his back was turned to her and his shoulders were tense. Natalia realized that she should have gotten up without ever touching the glasses however she couldn’t tame her curiosity. 

“Comrade I think you dropped something.” She said and he turned his face only halfway to look at her. She kept her face neutral since his dark hair hid half of his face. He moved so quickly that Natalia’s eyes could barely register him moving at all. Suddenly all Natalia could see was ice-blue eyes staring back into hers.

She blinked in surprise, and for some reason, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. They were stunning and he lacked the telltale signs of wrinkles that revealed that he was closer to her age than most of her instructors. She felt chills go down her spine as she wondered how young he was when Hydra first started to experiment on him.

As fast as he came he was gone with the goggles snatched out of her hands as he wiped them off with a towel before putting them back on. Natalia just kept staring at him wondering just what the rest of his face looked like.

.

.

.

“Again.” He said and Natalia was really getting tired of hearing that same word over and over again. It’s been a week since they first started training together and she hasn’t improved at all. Natalia wiped the blood off her lip from where he last punched her, apparently the Winter Soldier was given no instructions to keep her face pretty. In a way, it made her almost respect him despite how much it hurt.

She could feel the blood just spread on her face more and looking at her reflection in his black goggles she couldn’t help but remember the other girl with the dripping blood red smile. She internally shivered, and something on her face must have given away how she felt. Since the Winter Soldier turned his back to her, he took a towel and poured some water on it.

Natalia was trying to use her sweat to get the blood off her face however he returned handing her the towel. She looked up at him almost surprised at the gesture before taking it. She wiped her mouth and grimaced at the stinging feeling she got on her lip.

When she thought she got it off she was surprised when she felt a very human hand brush off a spot on her lips. Her eyes widened, caught off guard by the sudden gentle touch. She wished that she could see his face, to understand what was going through his head. He wasn’t supposed to understand human emotions. She knew this, yet his hand was warm and rough, and that was all she could think about.

Almost a second later it was snatched away as if he finally snapped out of whatever trance he was in, and grabbed his bag and quickly made his way to the exit. Natalia was left standing there alone in the gym blinking in confusion.

She looked down and saw the bloody towel in her hand with a new emotion that she couldn’t identify just yet. Now she was more determined than ever to get through these eight weeks and do more than just get beat up. She already knew she was lethal, but she needed to become something greater. She needed to become his equal. 

.

.

.

That night Natalia couldn’t sleep. She kept thinking about what she could be doing better. So far she’s tried every attack she knew, but he moved fluently as if he were a machine. Natalia guessed that in a way he was one.

He never held back his punches because he knew that the enemies wouldn’t either. Natalia knew that she needed to be able to land a punch on him, and at least hold up her own. She did not go through ten years of training to prove she learned nothing.

So how do you beat a super-soldier without any weakness? She thought back to herself. His legs were definitely weaker than his arms. She had been trying to go for them however after a couple of rounds he caught on pretty quickly what she was trying to do and made it virtually impossible for her to land a blow there.

Natalia screamed into her pillow in frustration at the Winter Soldier. She punched her pillow and realized that it wasn’t enough. She quickly got changed and headed to the gym to blow off steam.

Natalia ignored the fighting ring where she sparred with the Winter Soldier every day and moved onto the open area. She practiced the drills that she used to do every day. She could feel her body going stiff with being beaten all the time.

Natalia was tired of being beaten. To go from someone who was always number one to going to someone on the floor constantly wasn’t a good feeling. She remembered when she was younger, always wanting to be the strongest, now she was being beaten by a super soldier and didn’t even know how to learn from him with his constant silence.

She started to get angry again. Silence terrified her; she couldn’t stand not being able to see his emotions or being able to look into his terribly cold blue gaze. Natalia would take yelling and scolding any day over the uninformative silence she was suffering under. She shivered wishing she had gotten a longer look, that maybe if she saw his face she could get a clue on his weakness or whoever he was.

Her hands were on the punching bag, and she beat at it for the better part of an hour. Her hands had gone numb, and all she could hear was the sound of beaten raw flesh against the sturdy leather bag. Her breathing was steady; so when she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder she went into attack mode and tried to use the offensive hand to flip over whoever disturbed her training. Only to be cut off by being put into a chokehold. She struggled against her opponent.

“Calm down Natalia.” He said and Natalia shivered. Of course, it was him, she didn’t even realize how much time had gone by until now. Natalia was tired of staring at his mask, she wanted to learn how to win not learn how to be beaten up.

“Teach me.” She said and they stared at each other for a little longer before she heard a deep sigh from behind his mask.

“What do you think I’m teaching you right now?” He asked. His voice sounded different from normal, he almost sounded intrigued as to what she was asking.

“How to get beat up! Do you think that constantly beating me up will teach me how to fight against people like you!” Natalia yelled. She went pale, never had she lost herself like this before, but something about him just made her lose it.

“If you go against someone like me on the battlefield I recommend running.” He said. His voice was light and she blinked. Did he just joke? She raised an eyebrow.

“Is that why you’re making me run all those laps every day? So I can learn how to run away?” Natalia asked as she could feel her annoyance take over. He didn’t respond, and she decided that she had had enough. She lunged forward with a startling battle cry and attacked him.

She shoved him on the ground, however, he winded up dragging her down with him. She tried to punch him in the chest but was blocked by his metal arm. He twisted her arm and flipped them both so that she was on the ground with him on top holding down her arms. His legs were against her sides, and pinning her legs down in the process. She still struggled trying to break free failing her legs but it was no use against him. 

“Natalia stop.” He said and she froze.

“You're not training me, I don’t know why, but you're not training me like they want you to.” She said to him struggling to hold back her anger. He took a second before answering.

“Because they’re going to turn you into me.” He said his voice filled with despair and vile. Suddenly the full picture came into play.

“They’re going to do it whether I’m prepared for it or not.” She said back spitefully. He was silent after that and quickly pushed himself off of her. He offered his human hand to her, which she ignored and picked herself off the damn ground like she’d been doing for the past week.

“You can either train me like you were told to do, or I will be forced to get creative in my training.” She said and she thought she could hear him scoff.

“Alright, Ms. Romanova what do you suggest?” He asked, folding his arms across his broad chest. 

“You train me to be your equal.” She stated, and she could hear him sigh.

“You’ve trained enough today, come back tomorrow well-rested, you’re going to need it.” He told her before walking out of the gym. She was left standing in the gym alone again confused with whatever the hell just happened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys here is chapter 2! I did have a little inspiration for a couple of scenes from Vampire Academy. Also I would like to continue to update every Wednesday.

Natalia showed up to the gym an hour earlier than normal due to her anticipation. She was nervous about today. Yesterday was officially the longest conversation she had with him, and she wondered if he would keep his promise to her.

When she opened the door she was greeted by her teacher’s back as he pummeled the routinely beaten punching bag that she was just using yesterday. However, his punches were sporadic with none of the control or elegance she would usually see him fight with.

When the doors closed he tensed and whipped around to see her standing in the doorway. Natalia’s eyes widened at the sight that greeted her. Natalia had been right, he had to be only a couple years older than her.

His face didn’t match what the stories said it would be like. Several claimed that Hydra had sharpened his teeth and that he would only eat the raw flesh of his enemies for food. Others claimed that piece-by-piece the Winter Soldier had become less and less human, till he was entirely replaced by metal. 

Natalia didn’t quite know what she felt when the initial shock wore off after finally seeing his face she started to study it. He was very attractive with his nice eyes and strong jawline. Natalia almost allowed herself to blush; she refused and shook that thought out of her mind. Instead, she wanted to get back to her goal. She needed to become the next Black Widow but even deeper down she needed to prove herself to him. Natalia needed him to see her as his equal. 

“Where do you want me to start Comrade?” She asked him in a mocking tone as he silently studied her. She could feel his eyes roam over her face and body before nodding his head.

“How we always start Natalia.” He said back and she huffed in annoyance before dropping her bag to head over to the track. However, when she went to start running he joined her. Natalia blinked in surprise however with his presence next to her she pushed herself to do better. He set a pace a little bit faster than what she was used to, and she pushed herself to go faster. It continued like this until finally, he decided to stop and move on to their next activity.

She placed her hands on her knees, struggling to take calming breaths that could slow down her heart rate. Natalia still hated running, however with him joining her, she realized she hated it just a little less now.

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“Lucky for you there is only one of me.” The Winter Soldier said as Natalia was thrown to the ground. Her muscles screamed at her to stay lying on the floor, however, she ignored them and stood up. 

“I hate you.” She sarcastically said and he laughed rolling his eyes. She watched as his whole face lit up when he laughed. It did funny things inside her chest however she pushed those feelings down.   
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It’s been two weeks since he officially started to train her and some things were different. Like the fact that he now ran with her however, other things like the fact he could still beat the shit out of her weren’t. They were also doing more than just sparring, he was going to teach her how to fight with weapons, but only when she was able to thoroughly hold her own in a fight against him. 

Natalia was getting better; she finally landed a blow on his stomach, however, it seemed to have hurt her more than him. When she got back up again she initiated the fight tired of waiting for him to come to her. Natalia managed to avoid his arms and she kicked and punched him. He was finally on the defense, she continued her various assaults against him.

She ducked down and spun swiping his legs out from underneath him. He fell on the floor and she was left standing.

“Holy shit.” She cursed.

“Did you see that!” She yelled in triumph. She looked down to see the Winter Soldier looking up at her. Whatever expression had been on his face before was gone now, and back with the neutral robotic expression. She wished she had been able to see that look, figure out what he was thinking for once. He got up quickly and nodded his head. 

“You're improving just fine.” He said and Natalia glared at him.

“Fine? That’s it? Just fine?” She asked, looking at him incredulously. He looked back at her with those piercing blue eyes and raised an eyebrow in response. 

“What would you like me to say that you’re an excellent student with amazing fighting skills ?” he mocked and Natalia smirked and made a hand gesture telling him to go on.

“Yeah, I want you to say all those things.” She said looking at him. Even though she was playing this off as a joke, there was a part of her that needed to hear from him that she was learning. That she was improving, that one day he would even consider her a threat. However, none of that was said instead and he shook his head.

“Let’s move on.” He said, turning his back to pick up his water bottle. Natalia, however, was not going to let him get away with that. This is the most emotion she’d seen him with and she wasn’t sure she wanted the conversation to end that quick.

She got his attention the only way she knew how, with a threat. She ran at him with a warrior’s cry and unlike last time he seemed almost as if he was expecting it. As quickly as she ran she was back on the floor again with her legs pinned down in the same position they were a couple of days prior. Natalia looked up at him fighting back a smile as his metal arm pinned down her wrists. His face wasn’t closed off like it normally was; he almost appeared to be having fun. He also smiled, Natalia didn’t care if she found herself on the ground again, she may have lost this battle, but she won an even bigger one.

She didn’t have to look into black goggles anymore, and he started to talk to her more. He stopped playing the part of the Winter Soldier when he was with her. Natalia took this victory and smiled up at him laughing.

“I totally thought I had you.” She said jokingly and he shook his head.

“Next time you might not want to shout your battle cry when trying to sneak attack, someone.” He said playfully. Natalia liked him when he was like this. It’s like he was someone else, so much so that it felt wrong to call him the Winter Soldier. She wished she had something else to call him besides her nickname for him.

“So if I didn’t scream I would have had you?” She asked him and he chuckled. Her eyes flew up at him. When he laughed Natalia felt as if she won a whole different kind of war when she heard it. She analyzed his face hoping to memorize what he looked like with a smile because she knew that it wouldn’t happen again anytime soon.

“No, but nice try. Keep trying with those surprise attacks they’re good for the both of us.” He said and she laughed, hoping to be able to keep that promise. With only silence, she finally realized just how close they were together and from the looks of it, he was able to realize the same.

There was a moment that went by where they were just staring at each other waiting to see what would happen next, however with a shake of his head he started getting off her. When he got up he walked away to the other side of the room. Natalia got up off the floor wondering what just happened.

Shaking her head she went back into action and they continued their dance of ignorance, pretending that whatever happened wasn’t going to be mentioned. They were both very good at hiding their emotions. For a second Natalia thought he was going to put on his mask again.

Much to her relief, he kept being the dutiful mentor and even coached her harder on hand to hand combat skills. He told her at the end of their session that they may start knife training tomorrow since she was finally able to manage to defeat him.

The night was well underway, yet she still could not get a wink of sleep. Every time she closed her eyes flashes of icy blue eyes haunted her. She opened her eyes every time, not letting herself dwell on what it meant. You’re from the Red Room, and it’s an impossible wish.

Any of Natalia’s childhood dreams of a family and a happy ending died the second she was signed away to the Red Room. She didn’t have a choice about going into the Red Room; however, it was her choice on if she made it through it or not. Natalia closed her eyes shoving away images of beautiful icy eyes and forced herself into a dreamless sleep.

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“You’re going to need more sleep if you plan on keeping up.” The Winter Soldier said, throwing a punch that she blocked. He was right; she was exhausted, the forced sleeping plan hadn’t gone very well and the reason for her lost sleep was standing right in front of her.

“Are you saying I have bags under my eyes.” Natalia teased to change the subject; she even batted her eyelashes at him. He wasn’t even fazed as he twisted her arm effectively disabling her.

“We have five more weeks together until they decide to inject you with the serum or not, you have only successfully managed to defeat me once, my goal for you by the end of the week is to get two more wins in, you're going to have to get creative.” He said in her ear and she tried to hold back the shivers that went through her body as he let go of her.

She turned to face him and before he could even begin to process anything, she attacked. She wrapped her legs around his body using it to her advantage as she was on top of him and hit him over the head over and over again. She used her legs to squeeze his neck, in another circumstance she lets herself think, this would have been considerably sexy.

She lets that thought distract her and in that moment his metal arm grabs her by her shoulder and tosses her off of him. She pants before getting up and striking again, this time he’s trying to catch his breath.

She can’t overpower him and much to her disadvantage he’s quick. She dodges his punches while she kicks. She manages to land a couple blows to his side however it’s a blow to the leg that takes him down.

“One.” She said, smirking in victory. He’s on the floor looking up at her in amazement, she almost wished that time could freeze. She felt so much pride in being able to earn a look like that from him.

“One.” He nodded his head before picking himself off the floor. However, he didn’t turn around and attack her like she thought he would. Instead he went to pick something up out of his bag.

He pulled out two knives from his bag and Natalia almost squealed. They’re starting their knife work. She could barely contain her joy. It wasn’t just because they were starting to use knives, she grew up using them to fight. It was because he thought she was able to handle herself against him in a fight with knives.

“Calm down Red we can’t have you getting too excited over these.” He said in English. Natalia blinked at his accent and the nickname. He didn’t even seem to notice the language switch up or the fact that he called her by a nickname. She decided not to comment on it because she didn’t mind; in fact, she kind of liked that he came up with a nickname of his own for her.

Fighting with him using knives was a whole other energy. The stakes were higher and she was proud of the way she was able to hold her own against him. Did he win almost every time? Yes, but at least she was able to put up a fight. Once she got the serum then she would truly become his equal.

So, for now, Natalia got a taste of his true skill while fighting him. She memorized his moves and learned how to use them against him. Suddenly they were working together almost as a routine.

In the Red Room, there were no friends, no attachments, no weaknesses. Love is for children, she knows her duty is to serve her country and that getting into a comfortable schedule with the Winter Soldier should be unheard of. But the more time they spent together the more human he became. Suddenly Red was all he called her and when they’d fight his hands would linger just longer than appropriate to fix her formation, she found herself constantly in need of his help with her stances.

She liked the consistency of them. Every morning no matter what he was there, some days if she managed to wake up early enough she would beat him to the gym, but he always showed up less than ten minutes after her. He cracked jokes and spoke in English sometimes and Natalia couldn’t help but smile at the change. 

Suddenly she was dreading every day that passed because it brought them closer to the day when they would have to part, suddenly she had something to lose and she wasn’t sure she would be able to let it go.

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Natalia was happy; no she was practically giddy as she walked outside to see the Winter Soldier standing next to a motorcycle. Natalia let herself think of this in a different situation where they weren’t just doing this because he was given orders to train her to be able to ride a motorcycle.

Natalia let herself ignore this because it meant that they got to leave the premises together. She barely gets to leave unless it’s for a mission. When she reaches the Winter Soldier he’s holding two helmets in his hands. He held one out for her and she looked at him.

“Put it on Natalia.” He said and she smiled up at him.

“No way in hell am I getting helmet hair on an amazing hair day,” Natalia said, flipping a part of her fiery red hair. She pretended not to notice his eyes lingering on hair. He stared at her for a long time before crossing the distance to her and for a second Natalia thought he was going to touch her face until she noticed an added weight on the top of her head. She scolded him, as he made sure to buckle her chinstrap.

“Well there goes my ability to charm people, I officially am unsexy.” She says and he scoffed putting on his helmet.

“I don’t think adding a helmet will take away anything.” He said turning around to get on the motorcycle.

“So you think I’m sexy?” Natalia asked and he shook his head

“Get your ass on the bike Red.” He said and Natalia smirked.

“Yes, sir.” She said sitting behind him wrapping her arms around his torso. She tried not to think about how she was able to feel his body or the fact that he smelled really good. No Natalia refused to allow herself to become distracted. She let those thoughts drift away as he started up the bike and they were off.

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“No, don't squeeze the clutch yet.” The Winter Soldier scolded at her as she was sitting down on the bike while he explained everything to her. He drove them to an abandoned park, about a half-hour away from the Red Room’s headquarters. It was a freezing day outside and Natalia just wanted to drive already.

“Comrade you’ve been explaining this for hours now, I know what to do,” Natalia complained and the Winter Soldier raised an eyebrow at her. She quieted down and paid more attention as he went over again the importance of being able to balance and break.

“Point to me where the break is.” He asked and she did, finally, he nodded his head and got on the back of the bike behind her. He loosely wrapped his arms around her hands to use as a guideline in case anything went wrong. Natalia was suddenly very warm and almost allowed herself to move closer to the source of heat.

Instead, she focused on the task at hand and squeezed the clutch. When the bike roared to life everything kind of zoned out and suddenly they were off with her driving. She could vaguely remember the Winter Soldier commenting about her speed however she ignored him. She was caught up in the high of riding.

She drove them around the park for a little before he deemed her ready enough to hit the main roads back to the Red Room. Natalia was focused on the road that she hardly noticed that they were back at the Red Room. With a sinking disappointment, she stopped the bike and got off.

“Get your fix in Red.” The Winter Soldier said and she shrugged.

“I wish we had more time.” She said and he nodded his head. She struggled with the strap on her helmet and was about to just cut it off when he was there in front of her removing her hands away to get it herself.

He had to lend down to get the strap due to the height difference. He was so close to her that she could feel his breath ghost her face. Natalia looked at his face. She never was able to study it this closely, she noticed how stupid things like how long his eyelashes were or the fact that his ice-blue eyes had hints of grey in it.

She let herself get caught up in the moment that she almost forgot where she was. With a twist, the strap came undone and Natalia was free from the helmet. The Winter Soldier looked up at her and his gaze was intense. Natalia wanted him to close the distance between them so badly but suddenly he started laughing.

“I think you were right Red helmet hair definitely doesn’t do you justice.” He says putting his hand in her hair and ruffling. Natalia watched as he smiled and laughed and decided that even though the moment was over she still got to make him laugh.

“Ugh, there goes all my sex appeal.” She told him, while trying to fix her hair.

“I don’t know, I find safety to be a real turn-on.” The Winter Soldier joked with her and she wiggled her eyebrows.

“So you found me sexy in the helmet?” She asked and he shook his turning away from her.

“Goodnight Natalia.” He said but Natalia wasn’t going to give up that easily. Without a second thought, she attacked. She must have stomped down on the ground to loud because he heard it coming and instantly was able to deflect her attack.

Much to her displeasure, he didn’t pin her down like he normally did only flipped her so she landed on the snow. She started laughing and he held out to help her up however he wasn’t expecting her to pull him down next to her.

“Great now we're both wet.” He muttered to himself.

“You don’t like the snow Comrade.” She teased and he went silent. She looked over at him. He wasn’t looking at her instead this head was facing up and he stared at the sky as if it had all the answers. She wished that she could follow him into his mind; she wondered what he was thinking about. Suddenly he closed his eyes and winced.

“Comrade you ok.” She was afraid to touch him when he was like this.

“Yea just give me a minute.” He said as his hands opened and closed, his breathing slowly became steady again and when his eyes opened they were filled with sadness.

“What happened?” Natalia asked and the Winter Soldier sighed.

“Sometimes I get flashes, I’m not sure what they are but I think they're memories of before.” He said and Natalia understood what he wasn’t saying. He didn’t choose to be like this, just like her.

“Can you tell me what you saw?” She asked him and he winced. She at first thought he was going to ignore her question however he nodded his head.

“I felt like I was holding something heavy and then I couldn’t feel anything at all, I could hear someone calling out something, It sounded like a name but then I remember the feeling of falling and a pain in my arm. Then I wake up.” He said and Natalia nodded her head. She boldly put her hand on top of his metal one. She took it as a tiny victory when he didn’t move his.

“Before I was here I can barely remember anything about my past. I do remember the winters the best though. I remember, well I think it was my mom and I at every first snowfall would make snow angels.” She told him.

It was stupid he probably didn’t care about it however suddenly he moved his arms. Natalia took that as it meant he wanted her to let go however when he tried he reached out and grabbed on to it. He laced their fingers together and moved their arms back and forth to create a snow angel.

Natalia smiled at his gesture and followed his lead. When they both got up they were careful not to mess their angels up. Natalia looked down and smiled at the two of them.

“Yours is so tiny.” He said and she laughed.

“I think you’re just abnormally large, old man,” Natalia said and he raised his eyebrows.

“Are you calling me fat?” He asked and she shrugged.

“Well, I guess I better add another mile onto our run tomorrow. Can’t be a fat old man.” He said and she gasped.

“No I take it back I totally take it back,” Natalia said and he laughed, shaking his head.

“Too late better get some rest Natalia with that extra mile tomorrow.” He said and she shoved snow in his face. He blinked at her incredulously before smirking and shoved snow into her hair.

They wound up having a full-fledged snow fight until Natalia surrendered. She claimed that her hair had had too much mistreatment for one day. He laughed at her and they walked back to the compound together as their forgotten snow angels lay next to each other slowly being covered by the wind.

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Today’s lesson was a different kind, her Comrade had taken her into the ring and this time was instructing her on what to do if she was ever trying to escort someone to where they were supposed to go.

“What’s the first thing you do when you get this mission?” He asked, any sign of fun and games died after the run, this was something he was serious about.

“Scout out the best routine on where to get from one place to the other.” She said and he nodded.

“Where is the best route?” He asked.

“Ideally not through major traffic or crowded areas however still quick enough that it’s not too out of the way.” She said.

“And one that you can use to take many other routes from.” He added on and she nodded his head.

“What’s the most important rule when you’re doing this?” He asked and she looked confused.

“Always be on guard?” She asked and he shook his head.

“That’s important yes however the most important one is they come first no matter what, if you can get them there safely however feel that you will be compromised in doing so you will do it because they come first, do you understand Natalia?” He asked and she nodded her head. This is what she was trained for; her life was meaningless without her work.

When you grew up in the Red Room they didn’t sugar coat anything. They told everyone that their life expectancy rate was around thirty at best and maybe forty if you were really good. People often make the mistake of trying to settle down, never realizing that that’s what their enemies looked for.

“What do you do if you’ve been compromised?” He asked.

“I go off the grid and determine where the problem occurred.” She said and he raised an eyebrow.

“As for your mission?” He asked and she smirked.

“Feed them occasionally depends if I like them or not.” She said and he sighed before putting his head into his hands.

“Natalia.” He said her name as if it were a swear word, and maybe in his mind, it was.

“Look Comrade I get it they come first, the Red Room already trained me for missions like this, so can we skip this lesson plan for today and move onto something more interesting like that knife trick you did the other day.” She said wiggling her eyebrows at him.

He took a deep breath both shaking his head. It was going to be a long lesson for the both of them.

“Fine Natalia but since you’re so well versed every time you make a move at me you have to say the procedure for this with every step.” He said and her mouth dropped.

“You expect me to talk about that and fight?” She asked and he nodded his head.

“Yes you talk during a fight anyway, might talk about something more productive.” He said and she thought that when she talked she was being very productive towards his social skills.

When she went to argue with him about it he held up a hand.

“Take it or leave it.” He said and she glared at him before standing up and making a bring it on motion.

He attacked and she said the first step. “Secure route.” She said aiming for his legs, he moved and blocked.

“Don’t tell anyone your assignment’s name or details, come up with a cover.” She said as she punched him in the stomach, it didn’t even faze him.

“Talk to contact and drill them till they get all the information right.” She said taking a jab at his lower stomach. There was a tiny wince however he retaliated by throwing his punch, which she blocked. However, he did get a kick on her, which she winced at.

“Pick up and deliver.” She said and he nodded.

“If there’s trouble?” He grunted as she delivered a blow to the gut.

“They come first.” She said and he nodded his head before completely wiping her out. She landed on the ground next to his feet with a solid thud.

“Ow.” She groaned.

“Did you learn a lesson?” He asked cockily. 

“Don’t forget you have a fucking bionic arm.” She grunted and he chuckled. 

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“How long?” She asked him as he paced the room. She felt coldness sweep over her. Finally, the time had come when the routine had ended. They had made it to week six before he got called to another assignment.

“It should only take a couple of days.” He said and she nodded her head. She didn’t know what to say, he was only doing his job, no, his mission. She was just another mission, train her to be successful. It didn’t mean anything to him, he was the Winter Soldier, and only a handful of people knew he existed. She needed to remind herself who she was and why she was here. There was supposed to be no attachments in the Red Room. Natalia scolded herself.

“When do you leave?” She asked keeping her tone as neutral as possible. She turned her back away from him so she never saw the way her change of tone made him flinch, she never saw the way he looked at her, the way he longed to hold her. Her back was to him and he knew that it was to protect herself; they both had a lot to lose if anyone figured out that whether they admit to it or not something was going on.

“Tonight.” He said and she only nodded her head.

“I suppose I report back to my normal classes.” She bitterly said and he shook his head only to remember that she couldn’t see him.

“No, I wrote down a set of instructions for things you need to work on for when I get back.” He said and her shoulders tensed, he realized his mistake. He just made her a promise he wasn’t sure he would be able to keep.

“If.” She says in reply, her voice was cold. He knew he could offer no comfort to her, he had no idea what he was being sent to do, he had to become the Winter Soldier again, not her Comrade.

“Take the time to think about what you want.” He told her and she turned around whipping her flaming red hair around. There was a burning fire in her eyes that he’s seen only once before. 

“What I want?” She asked with a calm voice. They both knew the line they were going to cross. They couldn’t ignore what was happening any longer. Her eyes burned brighter with every passing second of the Winter Soldier thought he’d never seen anything more beautiful. He wanted her to be angry and passionate; it wasn't her nature to be calm. 

“You have a choice on whether you want to become like me, I would think carefully.” He told her and she laughed, it didn’t reach her eyes. He couldn’t fool her into thinking that he felt nothing. 

“Did you have a choice on whether they turned you into the Winter Soldier, Comrade if you’re worried about me not being able to handle it, I can assure you that I wasn’t the Red Rooms number one asset just because I’m the only one with red hair.” She said coldly. The Winter Soldier flinched at this.

“I can promise you that whatever that serum does to me it’s already been done. I’ve survived in the Red Room because I’ve had to do whatever it takes to survive. I’ve killed people, I’ve burnt cities to the ground, and I’ve slaughtered children all because I was ordered to. I know you think that you're trying to protect me from becoming a monster but I can promise that there’s already enough red in my ledger that I’ll never be able to wipe clean.” She told him and before she could talk anymore he was across the room kissing her.

It wasn’t gentle at all; in fact, it was rough that Natalia could feel her lips bruising with every passing second. His fingers were in her hair tangling them in it as if he just wanted to bury himself in her. She never wanted this moment to end. There was a spark that continued to burn brighter the longer it lasted.

He kissed her as if he was a dying man coming back to life. She was up against a wall and they couldn’t get close enough to each other as he untangled one of his hands to lift her legs allowing them to wrap themselves around his waist. 

This was a dangerous position to be in, they both knew the consequences of their actions yet there was a hunger between them that only each other could satisfy. Natalia was ready to take the next step and pulled up on his shirt however he slowly broke away their kiss.

He pressed his forehead to Natalia’s and shook his head. She stayed silent and enjoyed whatever intimate time with him she could get. She wanted him to stay with her in this room and ignore the rest of the world. They were compromised and there was no going back.

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When Natalia woke up the next morning she let a part of herself hope that he would still be there, that he said fuck the mission and came back to her. Natalia smiled, shaking her head at the thoughts of her Comrade. Natalia passed by some other girls in the hallway, they ignored each other like always but Natalia could feel something has changed.

It wasn’t announced that Natalia would be working with the Winter Soldier to everyone. It was only her supervisors however to explain her absence in the Red Room it was said that she was on a special assignment. This made the other girls extremely jealous and resentful. Natalia knew they wouldn’t touch her. Partially because they knew to go after the Red Room’s number one asset would be death, however, it’s mainly because they knew that Natalia was the best and that she wouldn’t go down without a fight.

After a month of training with her Comrade, it was easy to forget how feared she was in the Red Room when she was working with a legend. Natalia walked into the gym that had become her home and when she glanced around out of pure hope the disappointment that washed over her was ten times worse. The only thing there was a schedule with sloppy handwriting leaving a list of instructions of what to work on, however, what made her smile wasn’t how terrible his handwriting was it was the fact that he signed it to Red from Comrade. 

She shook her head and went back to work. She felt numb doing the laps by herself again. It almost felt unnatural to not have her Comrade with her. He was always there; it made her feel weak and Natalia hated this feeling.

The Winter Soldier had told her to think about what she wants and right now all she wants is him. She didn’t care if they put the serum in anymore she was compromised, she cared about something and that wasn’t allowed. Natalia knew their time was running out together. They only had a month left together and with his new mission how much time would they lose?

Natalia shook her head and focused more on her laps, she hated running however the pain in her lungs was a good distraction. The pain in her hands as she hit the punching bags also helped. Suddenly working out became a way to distract. She felt nothing as she punched and kicked that bag.

After a decade of fighting the bruised and bloody hands didn’t bother her. She looked over her list of things to do for the rest of today and was surprised at how much she was able to accomplish. Her Comrade didn’t go easy on the load however everything he was asking her for were things that she was capable of.

“Gono?” She questioned squinting her eyes to make sure she was reading his terrible handwriting correctly.

“Oh, guns.” She said, shaking her head holding back a smile. When he got back they were going to have to have a conversation about his handwriting. At that thought, her smile vanished. In their line of work, it was never a when, always if. A feeling of dread washed over her as she picked out the gun and worked on her targeting.

The sound of bullets firing made up for the silence. Natalia watched as each one hit her mark, she even dabbled in a bit of bow and arrow however she was mostly successful in hand-to-hand combat.

As the long day came to an end Natalia looked over the list one last time before reading it looked like he was planning to be gone for three days at most. Natalia hoped this would be true as she drifted off into sleep.

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.

.

The next day turned out practically the same schedule wise. Natalia missed him and she hated a part of herself for that. She used to go months without saying a word to anyone, now all she wanted to do was talk to her Comrade. All she wanted was to be sparing with him, she didn’t even care if she was getting the shit beaten out of her.

Much to her annoyance she saw that he added on another 3 laps to their routine and wished he was there so she could argue with him, or at least try to get to lower it to two. However, now it was just her and she decided to be a good student and do those 3 extra laps. It made time go by quicker so she wasn’t complaining. 

Not that she would ever admit it but the running helped her stamina when fighting. She was able to fight him a lot longer and get up quicker. She pushed herself on that last run as if pretending to outrun her Comrade, even though he wasn’t there.

Natalia pushed herself to her breaking point with every punch and kick she threw at the punching bag however she missed having a challenge in front of her. Suddenly when she went to start her yoga end of the day session she realized that it truly was the end of the day. Natalia was surprised at how fast the day went.

She stayed late to finish her training, turning the lights off. She didn’t let herself become eager at the fact she only had one more day left until her Comrade came back. Instead, she flicked the lights off and retreated to her room. She didn’t pass anyone on her way back however could hear noise coming from outside.

She stuck her head out the window and the sight that greeted her was a long line of black SUVs. All were standard issue with tinted bulletproof windows. Natalia studied the people who she didn’t recognize arguing with her mentor.

For the first time Madam’s blond hair wasn’t kept uptight in a bun but flowing down just below her shoulders. Her mentor was angry that much Natalia got out of it but then that odd doctor came out of the black van that had arrived. Natalia quickly moved closer so she could try to listen in on what they were saying. 

“I understand your concern doctor however I can say with hundred percent certainty that your missing soldier isn’t here.” She said and Natalia felt her heart stop beating.

“We went to take it in for reconditioning and the soldier refused.” Dr. Zola started with a closer glance Natalia saw that Dr. Zola had a nasty looking wound on top of his head.

“And why would you think it would come here?” Her mentor asked.

“It seems to have a fondness for the girl. We discovered this weakness when its target had red hair, it hesitated.” The man next to Dr. Zola said.

“And you think that it’s because my Natalia has red hair that is why your soldier hesitated on killing its target?” Madam Irene said. Her voice was neutral however Natalia could hear the doubt in her voice.

“Well not exactly however we still don’t understand why it responded so negatively when we talked about reconditioning. It may be best that when we find it we put it on the ice again for a little while.” The man said and Dr. Zola shook his head.

“I don’t believe putting it on ice is the solution, I do believe it needs to be reconditioned. There is a bug in the system somewhere, we just need to find the Winter Soldier and ensure that we get at least twenty-four more hours with him.” Dr. Zola said.

“And what of the Black Widow project? I don’t like Hydra wasting my number one asset’s time.” Her mentor said and Dr. Zola smiled.

“Oh, I do believe she’s ready for the serum, when we received her weekly reports it seems as though she is quite ready. I’m not even sure we have to wait another two weeks before injecting the serum in her.” Dr. Zola said and Natalia was so caught up in the conversation that she didn’t hear the footsteps come up behind her.

She went to scream however a hand covered her mouth. Natalia struggled until she realized that it was a metal arm.

“Natalia it’s me.” her Comrade said in English. Natalia calmed down and nodded her head.

“Where’s your room?” Her comrade asked and Natalia led the way back to her room. When the door was closed her Comrade was instantly on her. His mouth came down on hers and Natalia felt whole again. She responded instantly missing this feeling.

Natalia loved the way his fingers ran through her and the way his metal arm lifted her up allowing her to wrap her legs around his waist. They kissed as if it was their last night together, and for all, they knew it could have been. Her Comrade once again slowed things down to take a second to breathe. 

“You're done already Comrade?” She teased him, which he responded with a playful nip at her neck, he was careful not to leave a mark. They both ignored what they just heard outside her door. They ignored the fact that Hydra refused to call the Winter Soldier a person, they ignored the fact that anyone could come in here right now to take him away.

They ignored their basic instinct to get all the information and to first to take care of each other. Her Comrade took one look at her beaten hands before picking her up over his shoulder and taking her into the small bathroom she had in her room. He sat her down on the toilet while they caught up on the small things. He kissed every bruise on her hand as if trying to make a silent promise to her he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep.

When he was done patching her up she would have returned the favor however most of his injuries had already healed due to the serum. Natalia just settled for kissing him in bed trying to make another promise of her own.

“They’re going to take me away from you.” Her Comrade said and Natalia froze. They couldn’t ignore the topic any longer.

“They're going to make me forget you and make me remember to be a soldier.” Her Comrade said and Natalia held back the sadness that wanted to consume her.

“How much time do we have?” Natalia asked.

“Were already using borrowed time Natalia, we ran out of time when I hesitated to pull the trigger on that woman.” Her Comrade said and Natalia understood the unspoken words, the target reminded him too much of her. Natalia held him a little bit closer as he kissed the top of her head. 

“There’s a chance I won’t remember you.” He said and that was when Natalia lost it. She had just gotten him back only to have him taken away. Her Comrade was lost on what to do so he pulled her closer to him as if trying to make them one.

“I need you to do me a favor Natalia.” He said to her using his hand to lift her face. She stared into his icy blue eyes and for once felt as if she could trust someone with her life.

“I want you to promise me that if you ever get the chance to get out of here take it, even if it means leaving me behind. I want you to live, you need to forget about me and run like hell.” He told her and her eyes watered.

“No, I can’t leave you.” She said, shaking her head.

“No, listen, they've already taken too much away from me. I won’t let them take you away.” He said with tears in his eyes.

“Comrade please.” She said and he shook his head.

“Promise me, Natalia.” He said and she looked down.

“Only if you promise me the same.” She said looking back up into his eyes. He looked as if he wanted to argue however nodded his head.

“I love you.” He whispered, kissing her forehead before opening the window.

“Where are you going?” She asked.

“I can’t get you in trouble for my mistakes, I need to go back to them.” He said and she didn’t have time to think about what he was saying as she watched him jump from her window. She almost screamed as she watched him and ran to the window only to find that he disappeared.

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He didn’t even wait to see if she would say it back to him, he already knew. Madam Irene told her the day after that the Winter Soldier’s mission had gone south and that he was going to go in for reconditioning. She then congratulated Natalia on becoming Black Widow. She was told that the procedure would take place tomorrow and that she was to follow the normal guideline procedures for surgery.

Natalia didn’t even let it phase her as she just went with the motions. She locked herself in her room for the rest of the day refusing to eat or drink anything. Her mentor thought it was the nerves and told everyone to leave her alone.

Natalia didn’t snap out of this dream-like state until there was a burning feeling surrounding her. She felt hot and there was a light so blinding it made everything go dark.

When Natalia woke up again her whole body felt like a burst of energy. She woke up desperately seeking something cold. She was dehydrated and she felt someone lift her head and force her to drink water. She choked it down however the hand that was supporting her head was freezing. She grabbed that hand and put it on her face.

She looked and saw a metal arm and her eyes went to see the Winter Soldier. Not her Comrade, he could never be that when he wore his mask and goggles. However he kept his hand on her cheek and never left her side as long as she was awake. When vision began to blur again she thought she could feel his forehead touch hers.

“I love you, Natalia.” She could hear him say before it all went dark.

The next time she woke up the burning feeling was gone and when she looked to her left there was no soldier in a mask. For a while, she thought that she had dreamed the whole encounter until she saw something shiny caught her eye. There was a glass next to her beside and a knife that she remembers using to spur her Comrade with.

She reaches out for the knife and plays with it in her hands. There’s nothing extremely special about this knife except the memories it held. Natalia remembers how he still would be with her now. They would have had another two weeks together. She mourns for their lost time together and the fact that it's impossible to love a ghost.

This whole encounter strikes her as odd though. He would have gone through re-calibration yesterday, his memories would have already been taken from him. That’s she sure off. Suddenly the knife dropped from her bed and onto the floor with a shattering bang as that thought crosses her mind.

He remembers her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow can't believe we are already up to chapter 3! Thanks for all the positive feedback on the last couple chapters and I hope you guys enjoy this next one.

2002

The bar was crowned at this time of night. Natalia sipped on her vodka and winced at the taste. It clearly had been watered down. There was a blond at the end of the bar eyeing her up. She hoped that he wouldn’t come over.

However, judging by the way he was talking to his friends and took one last swing of his beer it was clear that it was going to be one of those nights. Natalia grimaced hoping that she was wrong although she knew she wasn’t.

It hadn’t been a good night. Her black wig was itchy and her heels were just a bit too high even for her, however her target had a type and this blond boy was about to get in the way of her mission.

“Hello there.” The blond boy says and she looks up at him and man did she forget to mention that contacts are killing her eyes.

“Hello.” She said, taking another sip of her vodka not even trying to look at him. 

“Come on now babe don’t be like that, I bet I can make your night.” He said and Natalia swore to whoever was up there that if he tried to touch her she would break his hand.

“I’m not interested, sorry.” She said politely and the blond guy just really didn’t get the hint. When he reached out to grab her shoulder she was surprised to find another hand stopping him.

“I believe the lady said she wasn’t interested.” Ah, there he is. Natalia hid her smirk as she watched her target intervene. The blond man backed off instantly walking back to his friends angrily.

Now the real work began for Natalia.

“Thank you so much.” She said adding in some playful battling of her eyes lashes. The man took one look at her and slid right into where the blond man was previously sitting at the bar.

“So what’s a beautiful girl like you doing at a bar like this?” He asked and she scoffed internally, really this is how you get a girl? Instead, she giggled acting like she may have had too much to drink instead of cheap watered down vodka.

“I guess looking for a little trouble tonight.” She replies cheekily and he smirks at her.

“I’m Dimitri.” He says sticking out his hand which she shakes making it look as though her hand was a bit unsteady. 

“Nina.” She said and he smiles saying her name again as if he’s trying to memorize it. Natalia guessed in a way he was since he’s already been with two other girls today that all had long black hair and dark brown eyes.

In an unfortunate realization, she saw when reading Dimitri’s profile that he had a twin sister with the same kind of dark brown hair with brown eyes. Coincidence, maybe however it wasn’t her job to give men like him the benefit of the doubt.

She got her answer only a week ago when she gathered intel to see just how close these twins were. She found out that brother and sister shared a lot more together than a womb. However, that wasn’t the reason he was her target; she wasn’t even told why. In the Red Room, they train you to follow orders with no questions. Natalia was the best for a reason.

Natalia played the part as a dotting girl that may have had just a bit too much to drink. Many men have fallen into her trap before. She was the Black Widow after all and the Black Widow always finishes off her targets.

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.

“Excellent job Black Widow.” Madam Irene comes into her office. Natalia only nods her head waiting for her next task. After the serum had been injected into her she was in training for a month until they put her on active fieldwork, and she hasn’t stopped since.

“We have a new assignment for you.” Madam Irene said sliding a large folder with big red words that spell out classified on it. Natalia picked up the package and she didn’t react to the content.

Her next target goes by the name of Alexei. He was a wealthy sponsor of the Red Room however it appears that he’d started to trade secrets with an American organization that was relatively unknown to the KGB. In his later years, he had become a professor at a well-known college.

“We don’t particularly care how you kill him, we're doing it to send a message.” Her mentor said and Natalia nodded her head. No questions. Natalia went to get up and get started on gathering intel.

She cringed at the thought of having to wear another wig so soon however in her line of work having fiery red hair wasn’t the best when you were a spy. According to Alexei’s previous history, he happened to like blond women that were half his age, and well Natalia wasn’t even halfway yet. Still, she played the part of the dotting student.

It was the fall semester and Natalia no Nina just happened to find herself taking two of Dr. Abramov’s classes however he told all of his students to call him Alexei. He says it makes him feel old when he gets called by his title. From what Natalia could tell all of his students loved him however it was clear that other students, some that looked quite like her were a bit too involved with their overly friendly professor.

Natalia wasn’t a stupid girl however to get her mark to make the first move she needed to find a way to get attention on her. Failing a couple of assignments should do.

It was quite easy to catch the good old professor's eyes, even better when he offered her to come by his office after hours so he could help her with extra credit. If the after office hour wasn’t subtle enough the old man had to add in a good smack on her ass. Natalia held back her disgust as she winked at him and wished him a good day.

Natalia had to take a scalding hot shower to get his words to erase from her mind. Things like this came with the job; Natalia knew she couldn’t let it get to her however she let her mind wander which was a dangerous idea.

Flashes of icy blue eyes haunted her every time she closed her eyes. She tried to block it out knowing that only pain was waiting for her however she welcomes being able to feel at least something for once. In the last two years, she had gone quite good at being able to place him in a box however at times like these she wished he was here.

After she woke up from the hospital she had tried to gather any information she could about his whereabouts however turned up unsuccessful. It was impossible to track a ghost. She wasn’t even sure if they put him on ice. Natalia had given up after a year of trying.

She still held out hope that one day they would find each other again however with as much time that has passed she is not quite sure if he even will remember a time when he was her Comrade.

She heard her alarm go off on her phone and hastily got changed into a pencil skirt and blouse that she knew showed off her figure. She grabbed her coat and put on her heels as she went.

When she stepped outside that was when an uneasy feeling set in. Her guard was up the whole way to Alexei’s office, she felt as if someone was trailing her however when she did a quick check on her perimeter it was clear.

Natalia let herself relax realizing that it could just be nerves. She let it go for now however didn’t let herself forget.

When she reached Alexei’s office the light was still on and almost everyone had left work for the night. Natalia knocked on the door and waited for him to answer however he didn’t. Natalia knocked again and there was no response. She scanned the area around her to make sure no one was paying attention as she pulled a bobby pin from her hair. 

However, when she touched the doorknob it opened and with a brute force, Natalia was yanked inside. Caught off guard she tried to gather her wits however next thing she knew lips were being forced on her. 

Natalia’s eyes flew open as she shoved her attacker away. Icy blue eyes met hers and suddenly Natalia was lost. All of her emotions came back and hit her. She felt angry at first however that was soon replaced by sadness but then the reason for all of her grief was standing right in front of her and with a side glance she noticed her target laid dead in the room with a slit throat and his hand cut off. 

“So do you want to tell me why my target is already dead?” She asked him and she saw anger in his eyes. However, they heard a noise outside the door.

“Not here.” He said and she nodded her head. Two people arguing with a dead body in the room tended to attract attention. The Winter Soldier led her out using the window and it reminded her of one of the last times she saw him jumping out of her window in the dead of night.

She couldn’t stop the flashes going through her head as they walked silently back to her apartment off-campus. She didn’t even lead the way back which means he must have been following her for a long time. They walked up to where she resided for the past two months as an undercover college student.

Once the door was closed, Natalia started to ask questions however he put a figure to his lips and placed something on the table. Natalia raised an eyebrow at the frequency jammer.

“You can never be too safe.” He said and she nodded her head.

“So do you want to explain to me how you’ve been gone for almost two years and now suddenly wind up killing one of my targets?” Natalia asked, crossing her arms across her chest. 

At first, he was just staring at her. Natalia shivered under his intense gaze however she couldn’t forget the fact that it’s been two years since she last saw him. He’s changed; there are more scars on his body and his eyes weren’t filled with as much light as they used to be. Natalia wondered what they were doing to him these past two years.

“Comrade what’s going on?” She asked, coming closer to him worried that he may have had a flashback to the past again. He shook his head.

“I was sent here to receive you for the Red Room as it appears they want us to work together on a joint mission.” He said to her and her heart dropped.

“So if they hadn’t sent you here you would have never shown yourself to me again.” She asked him and he bent his head, his hair was getting long again. Natalia made a note to see if she could give it a trim.

“I asked to be the one to retrieve you of your mission, I told them that since you knew me you were less likely to be suspicious of me.” He said and she nodded her head.

“And have you heard anything new about our assignment?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Natalia there are other things I want to talk about other than our new assignment together.” He said and Natalia ignored him. She instead went into the kitchen to make herself coffee.

“Coffee?” She asked him and he thought about it for a moment before nodding his head.

“Natalia I know you are just avoiding the conversation.” He said to her and when she didn’t respond he sighed.

“I wanted to reach out to you so badly but I couldn’t put you at risk, I knew that if I played my cards right eventually I would be able to see you again however I needed to be able to prove that I wasn’t compromised.” The Winter Soldier said and she sighed.

“I get that Comrade but it doesn’t mean that these past two years have been any easier on me. The last time I saw you was you jumping out a window and then you visited me in the hospital room when I was still under the effects of the serum. I wasn’t sure if they had gotten you yet or if they were going to put you on ice again. It was terrifying because there was no way to find out information on you. After all, you don’t exist.” She told him and she’s done something she hasn’t done in a long time, she told him the truth.

“I’m sorry Natalia but I had to do this to keep you safe. I had to act as if you were nothing more than a girl I trained. I knew that one day they would have us team up one day.” Her Comrade said Natalia didn’t quite know what to see to him. She nodded her head and turned to finish making the coffee.

“I’ll forgive you if you let me cut your hair.” She said to him and he blinked as if not quite sure he heard her correctly. He then shook his head and walked up to her kissing her on the forehead.

“I’ve missed you Red.” He said and she laughed as he picked her up and spun her.

“Good now get in the tub.” She said, smirking at him.

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.

.

“I can’t believe you were serious.” The Winter Soldier said sitting in the bathtub facing away from Natalia.

“Don’t you know this by now Comrade, I’m always serious.” She said and he scoffed.

“What?” She asked trying to part his hair the best she could.

“Says the girl who wanted to slash another car tire because they didn’t let you merge.” He teased and she yanked at a piece of his hair. He turned around to give her a look.

“That wasn’t very nice.” He said and she batted her eyelashes at him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She said and he sighed, turning his head back around knowing when he’s fighting a losing battle against her.

“Don’t move, we wouldn’t want to have any accidents.” She told him and stayed still as she brushed through the rest of his hair. They were silent in this affair just enjoying the fact that they were able to be with each other.

Natalia had the Winter Soldier turn and face her now and then so that way she didn’t make it uneven. She carefully measured each length and smiled at how soft his hair was after a decent shower.

After two years of endless killing and war doing something as human as this made her feel odd. She wondered if this is how life could have been for her if she hadn’t been trained in the Red Room.

She shook her head and focused, if she had never gone to the Red Room then she would have never met her Comrade. She instead wondered what life would be like if it was just the two of them.

She left herself to play a dangerous game as she thought about what they would be doing if they were to have a normal life. Natalia found herself lost in a trance as she pictured them never having to worry about being separated, being to leave for work without having to constantly worry if the other was coming home every night.

She felt her heart get heavy because she wanted nothing more than to be with him. She wanted to know what it felt like to be able to be with him in public without it being a cover or to be with him and not be on the run.

She shook her head; those were children’s dreams. She needed to enjoy the tiny victories in the battles she faced now to win the war in the end. She had been compromised, they both had been. They had something to lose and it terrified them both because there could be a day when they are on opposite sides of the war.

She didn’t let her mind drift much farther than that. She had just gotten back her Comrade; she needed to take this chance and run with it. She was almost finished with his hair when she remembered a question she had forgotten to ask.

“Comrade, why did you kill my target?” She asked and he stiffened. She finished the last of her trim and put the scissors back on the table and she played with his hair. It was still long however it wasn’t to his shoulders anymore.

“He touched you.” He said and Natalia’s hands froze in his freshly cut hair.

“I can handle myself.” She said and he turned around.

“It’s not about that, believe me I know you are more than capable of handling yourself Red, I just can’t stand it when I see other people touching you.” He said and she nodded her head. They were silent after that just sitting in the bathroom together.

The Winter Soldier had finally had enough of the silence and picked her up. When she protested saying she needed to clean up the mess he only threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the bed tossing her on it.

“Comrade.” She said and he smiled crawling next to her. In the morning they would have to get up and leave, they would have to become Black Widow and Winter Soldier but for tonight they were Comrade and Red.

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2003

Natalia was running as fast as she could up the steps. She could hear the footsteps running to catch up with her. Natalia thanked whoever was up there that she kept up with the running exercise every morning. What was it with Romanians and their steps?

The steps were getting narrowed the higher she went and suddenly there was someone in her path. Without hesitation, Natalia attacked the man. He was strong however Natalia was faster as was quickly able to toss him over the railing. Maybe she even took out a few men that were chasing after her. 

Natalia didn’t have time to stop and check. She kept moving to the top of the tower until she finally made it and shoved the door to the roof open. Natalia ran to the edge to see if she could jump but she could tell just by looking that the height was too great of a distance even with the super serum running through her veins. 

She heard the door behind her slam open and ten men joined her on the rooftop. Her target was in the middle of them all and he smirked at her.

“Hello, boys.” She said stepping down from the ledge.

“So this is the famous Black Widow?” He said, claiming victory. He looked around to all of his men.

“I thought she would be smarter but thus just another pretty face it seems.” He said and Natalia held back her scoff.

“You really think I’m pretty?” She asked and the man smirked.

“Not after I let my men have their way with you, what would you prefer as your method of interrogation?” He asked as the men started to gather around closer to her.

“Can I get a minute to decide?” She asked before pouncing.

The two men didn’t see her or her widow bites coming as she was able to quickly take down the two without an issue. She was able to throw her first victim’s body at another guy as they both fell off the edge.

Seven left. She quickly punched the next man constantly in the ribs hearing a satisfying break with every punch. In the distance, she could hear a gun being taken off safety and used the man she was beaten up as a shield when the shots were fired.

The man she was holding cried out in pain as a bullet pierced through him. Natalia automatically went for the man holding the gun and kicked it out of his hands. She then broke his arm as he tried to reach for it before punching him right in the face. He went down with a sickening thud.

Five. Natalia watched as the four of them circled her. Looking at the various weapons Natalia throws herself at the man pointing a gun and quickly tries to disarm him. She used his own body against him and shot the guy standing next to him in the kneecaps.

Four. She finished off the man with the gun by shooting him in the head. Blood splattered on her face however it didn’t even faze her anymore as she looked at her last three opponents. 

She quickly analyzed them before striking. She was in the middle of them and was caught up between dodging and throwing punches. She grabbed the one to her right arm and pulled him slamming him into the one on the left and then shoved both of them off the ledge.

One.

She went to turn around to see the CEO had a gun trained on her.

“Shall we start again dear, I fear I have seemed to underestimate you, my dear. While you are quite beautiful, I fear that to take you alive might lead to more consequences then pleasures. It’s such a shame I have to ruin such a beautiful face.” He said and a bullet rang out.

A body dropped to the ground with a painful moan. As it turns out there wasn’t just one wolf anymore, there were two.

“You couldn’t have done that sooner?” Natalia said into her earpiece. She lifted her hands to block the sun from shining in her face so she could see where the Winter Soldier was from the rooftop. He was holding his rifle and Natalia thought that things would have gone a lot faster if he had just shot them all, it would have only taken at most ten bullets, the Winter Soldier never misses.

“Good training for you.” He says and she scoffs at him as she starts to clean up the mess she’s made on the rooftop.

“Please you just like getting all hot and bothered as I beat up other men.” She teased him and he dutifully ignored that comment, she expected no less.

“Did you find the USB?” He asked her and she was searching through the now-dead CEO’s pockets.

“With my luck today it will probably be shoved up somewhere unpleasant.” She cringed however when her hands felt the cool USB in his left jacket pocket she felt relief wash over her.

“You owe me a nice bath tonight.” She said and she could hear him laughing on the other end.

“Do I?” He said and she grinned.

“Absolutely, I had to do all the heavy lifting on this one.” She said.

“And what about that time in Spain when I had to take out a room full of armed guards while you were stuck at the elevator?” He questioned and she smiled remembering that mission very well. She also remembered how they celebrated afterward and she had shivers running down her spine as she remembered the way they touched each other that night.

“I treated you very well that night if I remember correctly.” She said, as she exited the door and groaned, as she would have to walk down all those steps again.

“I take that back you owe me bubbles and red wine along with that bath.” She said making it down the first flight before feeling the knots in her feet and back form.

“Possibly a massage.” She said along the way down.

“The first three things I can guarantee however I’m not quite sure how I’d do giving a message.” He said and she laughed.

“Just rub my shoulders and well call it a deal.” She said as she had one more flight of steps to go.

“Deal.”

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When Natalia had gotten back to the apartment they had been using for the past couple of months she was surprised to see the sun was slowly setting and smiled as she walked up the steps to the apartment she shared with the Winter Soldier.

She was a little late because she had to stop somewhere to try and get the blood off her face. Drawing attention like that after a famous CEO was killed was not the best way to fly under the radar.

Natalia loved the little apartment they shared. It may have been small but the window shows great views of the sunsets and sunrises in Romania. She knew her Comrade was worried about the windows and it possibly being an issue for them; however, she was able to convince him enough that just pulling down the blinds should be efficient enough.

She was sore from this mission but couldn’t wait to come home. She froze at the top of the steps. She knew that home wasn’t referring to the apartment; she knew that it was referring to the person currently inside the apartment waiting for her.

Natalia wasn’t sure why she was so surprised that she found a home in the Winter Soldier. She knew she loved him and he loved her. But the feeling of permanence didn’t quite set in until now. Natalia slowly walked to their apartment door and fiddled around finding her key before unlocking it.

She looked around and smiled. It felt as if she could finally breathe again and she shed her wig and took off her boots. She placed them by the doorstep where she found the Winter Soldiers boots already there.

She smiled at that as she began her journey to find where her soldier went off to. There were two bedrooms in the apartment and to make it look as if the two were being used he kept his stuff in one room while she placed her stuff in the other.

Natalia first walked into his room to find it empty, however did take note to all of his weapons sprawled across his bed. Natalia smiled and thought about how much easier it would be to undress him without all the weapons attached.

She laughed at the memory of the first time she tried and it wound up taking a lot longer than she thought it was because the man kept no shortage of weapons on him. She also took note of the fact that his mask and goggles were on his nightstand and smiled. She walked over to pick it up however realized she wasted enough time on the walk home.

Natalia quickly walked into her bedroom to find the bathroom lights were on and walked inside to where her soldier sat shirtless next to the tub as he was stirring in the bubbles into the bath.

“Hey, Soldier.” She said coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Natalia smiled to herself, as he didn’t even flinch. There were moments in the beginning where she couldn’t touch him for long periods.

At night when he was thrashing around in his sleep from a nightmare she made the mistake of trying to shake him out of it however he pounced. Luckily he was able to snap out of it before any serious damage had occurred. He couldn’t bear to touch her till she insisted that she was all right.

They have been working through his issues slowly but surely. The worst times were when he’d be sent on a solo mission and Natalia had no way of finding out if they’d take him back for recalibration or worse, put him on ice.

Those were the nights where Natalia found herself unable to sleep or rest until he was back home. At first, any progress they had made was destroyed however slowly as the months went on they were able to get him to adjust to her constant presence.

Those, however, weren’t their only problems. While their companies were at a steady alliance there was nothing to say that would last forever. There was also the possibility that they would be discovered.

They have been really lucky together these past nine months with the constant moving around in missions it made them impossible to keep up with. Their missions were always successful and when they were called to go on a solo mission they left without hesitation.

However, they weren’t meant to fall in love. They weren’t meant to be anything more than a soldier and spy. The Winter Soldier was just a toy in the eyes of Hydra and for him to be anything more would mean that they would have to give him human rights.

Despite all the problems they face there were good times. There were times when Natalia would wake up to her soldier listening to American music while making eggs and pancakes. He would speak in English without even noticing and she would watch him and smile. When he finally noticed her he swore in English and they’d lost a pancake to the ceiling. 

“Hey Red.” He said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her forehead. His eyes slowly looked up and down her body making sure that she wasn’t injured. She found herself shaking her head before stripping. She could hear him take a deep breath as she stood in front of him.

“Are you going to join me?” She asked, stepping into the tub. Without hesitation, he stripped and joined her. They were sitting across from each other and were quiet.

“I don’t understand why you enjoy these things,” Comrade said, lifting some of the bubbles. Natalia laughed as she blew some at him.

.

.

.

Her Comrade was lazily tracing patterns on her back. It was dark outside and they could only see the outlines of each other. Natalia had to keep from giggling when he would pass over a particularly sensitive spot. His hand traced up and down her bare back as she faced away from him.

He had just gotten back from another solo mission. He had been quiet when he got home and it took everything in Natalia not to run over and hug him. Instead, she gave him space and let him come to her.

When he finally did she held him and he squeezed her so tight that she could feel her ribs bruise. She didn’t care because he would do the same for her. Natalia managed the best she could with cooking and attempted to make grilled cheese and soup, however, she wound up burning both the bread and by some miracle the soup. Her Comrade finally decided to send her out of the kitchen before she sent off the smoke alarm.

When she peered her head back in he was sizzling steaks on the stove and she smiled as he turned his jazz music back on. He was wearing simple black pants and a loose grey shirt and she couldn’t help but think about how lucky she was to have him.

As if he heard her thoughts he looked over and smiled at her. He gestured for her to come in and she sat at the table watching him make the steak.

“If I give you a task for cooking do you think you’ll be able to handle it?” He asked jokingly. She gave him a worried look.

“It depends on how you feel about your life.” She said and he laughed before tossing her a loaf of bread and carefully placing the knife next to her.

“Cut up some slices without harming yourself.” He said and she glared at him.

“I may not know my way around the kitchen however I know my way with a knife.” She said and he scoffed.

“Believe me I know Red.” He said brushing over a tiny scar on his cheek that she had given to him when they were training.

“Well, at least I didn’t give you a black eye.” She responded.

“No, but you almost broke my nose the first time I had you try rope climbing.” He said and she looked down and started cutting up the bread, that she couldn’t deny.

“It was an accident.” She said and he laughed.

“Steaks are almost done, why don’t you grab some plates, while I fix up a salad.” He said and she nodded.

“Natalia.” She heard her soldier say and she snapped out of her thoughts.

She turned around to face him in bed and could barely make out his face.

“Where were you just now?” He asked.

“About four hours ago when I attempted to make grilled cheese.” She said and he laughed.

“They weren’t thoroughly brunt so I’d call it an improvement from other times.” He teased her and she kicked him.

“That wasn’t very nice.” He said and she kicked him again however he grabbed her leg and pulled her on top of him and kissed her.

“I really missed you.” He told her and Natalia smirked against his lips.

“I can tell.” She said rolling her hips and he groaned. 

“Fuck Red.” He said rolling them over so he was on top and she laughed letting him take over.

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.

.

As nice and quiet as their evening was it, unfortunately, didn’t stay that way. Her soldier has nightmares constantly and while they have been improving on it slightly on a method on how to wake him up which didn’t involve any damage to Natalia.

She could feel his jostling as he kicked and ran, Natalia wanted to touch him so badly but knew that it would only set him off. She watched his expression turn into a pain one before she called out to him.

“Hey, Comrade,” Natalia said, not touching him however it wasn’t enough to snap him out of it. She tried using his nickname again refusing to call him anything else. She knew that if he woke up thinking he was being locked up again that it would ruin any progress they made together.

He started to jostle and she was practically kicked out of bed with how violently he was moving. She watched in horror as he started to scream in despair.

Natalia did the only thing she could do and ran to the bathroom and tried to find a bucket to put water in. She filled it up using the bath because the faucet in the kitchen would take too long. When there was just enough in there she ran back into their bedroom and threw all the water on him.

He jumped awake but stayed on the bed, he was breathing heavily on the bed and Natalia gave him a moment to remember where he was.

“12-16-91.” He muttered to himself again and again. 

“Comrade?” She asked quietly, in another case she probably looked ridiculous wearing his shirt that looked like a dress on her and holding a big bucket, maybe if they were a normal couple it would have looked like she was playing a prank on him.

However sadly when he looked up at her and his eyes looked completely broken she realized that they could never pretend that it was one of those times. She waited for him to do or say something, to tell her if she can approach.

He gave a nod of his head and she dropped the bucket ignoring how some of the water spilled on to their wooden floors. She just wanted to make sure he was okay.

She pulled him into a hug and she held on tight. He hides his face in her shoulder and hugged her so tight as if she was going to disappear at any moment. They didn’t talk for the longest time after them. Natalia just held him and when she tried to get up to grab a towel he grabbed her arm and shook his head.

Natalia stayed in bed with him as they shivered together in wet blankets and just held each other. She knew not to push him until he was ready to talk to her about what happened, and maybe he never would be but she would be ok with that.

They stayed up together and when the sun finally started to crack through the curtains did he start to talk.

“I hurt you.” He said holding her. He put his head on top of hers and she just listened to him, she knew better than to stop him, he needed to get this out.

“We were both sent on the same mission however I was ordered to kill anyone that was in my way.” He said and she heard the words he didn’t want to say.

“I couldn’t stop myself. I was told what my mission was and I couldn’t stop myself from carrying it out. It felt like I wasn’t even in control of my own body anymore.” He said and for the longest time, he was silent.

“When they wipe my memories they take a part of me away and bury it deep below the surface so that I can never reach it, hell they make me not even care about it. This time however I saw you and looked at you as if you were a target and no matter what I did you were always the target.” He said and Natalia stayed silent just listening waiting for him to finish.

“There are still people that want to wipe my memories again, they want to make me more like a machine then I already am and Natalia we got really lucky last time that I remembered you but I’m not sure if we’ll ever be that lucky again.” He said

Natalia felt a terrible sadness sink in, them taking away his memories was their greatest unspoken fear. It was a constant even in their happiest moments together, because they both always thought what if this was the last time they had a moment like this.

He reached up and grabbed her chin. Natalia looked into his heartbreaking eyes and wished there was more that she could do to take his pain away.

“Natalia I need you to promise me something else.” He said and she looked up, concerned about what he may ask her to do because there’s a possibility she might never be able to keep that promise.

“If they wipe me again and I don’t remember I need you to promise me you won’t try to talk me out of it, you won’t try to get me to remember at the expense of your life.” He said and her eyes widened.

“You can’t ask me that Comrade.” She said and he shook his head.

“When I become the Winter Soldier I’m not the same person I am now Natalia, if they take away my memories I’m an empty shell, I won’t be able to recognize you and even if I do it wouldn’t be enough to stop the programming.” He said and she knew that he wouldn’t be able to sleep until she promised.

“If they decide to recalibrate me, you have to treat me as if I died.” He said and that was the final cord for Natalia as she started to cry. There was something that she couldn’t handle and the thought of losing like that terrified her. Would she be able to turn her back on him?

“Please Natalia.” He said, wiping away her tears.

“I promise.” She said and a look of relief washed over his face as he held her in his arms kissing away the tears.

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.

“You’re going to have to hit harder than that, love.” Her soldier teased and Natalia was exhausted. These past couple of weeks have been grueling with missions and on their final day off together, he wants to go to the local gym.

Natalia wanted to stay in bed and do other things however her soldier got her out by forcefully dragging her from the bed, which led to a broken bedpost, it wouldn’t be the first time for that..

After a long-ass run and a small breakfast later they were at the local gym renting out a room that they could practice in without having to worry about other people's stares.

Instead of hitting him higher like he expected her to do she hit him in the knees and he went down.

“Are you still upset about the bedpost?” He asked on the ground and she scoffed. Her soldier got up again and this time was more of a challenge to beat. Natalia fought him and was mainly on the defensive side of things trying to find an opening however he was relentless in his attacks.

She was able to back away enough to twist her body on to his and hit him on the head a couple of times however what she wasn’t expecting was the sudden taps against her legs signaling defeat.

Natalia was instantly off him and went to make sure he was okay. The Winter Soldier had gone deathly pale and stared at her blankly as if he couldn’t see her anymore. Natalia tried calling out to him however without any luck he slowly fell to the ground clutching his head in pain. Nothing came out of his mouth and Natalia had no idea what to do as she watched him suffer.

She tried to get close to him however he made a motion with his arms, telling her to keep away. Natalia respected his demand and watched from afar waiting for the signal to see if he needed help.

“James.” He suddenly gasped out and Natalia ran to him and picked up his head to make sure he was okay.

“What did you say?” Natalia asked, trying to get the hair out of his face. He was still pale however slowly gaining color. She waited for him to respond to her question. He was shaking his head and closing his eyes as if trying to remember more.

“Comrade.” She tried again and he opened his eyes. Natalia watched the war going on in his eyes.

“My name is James.” He told her and her eyes widened.

“Do you remember anything else?” She asked and he shook his head.

“You have a mean hit Red.” He laughed out and she couldn’t find the will in her to smile.

.

.

.

Natalia smiled down as she watched James sleep peacefully. When he was asleep he looked vulnerable and Natalia wished he could be like that more. 

“You know watching me in my sleep is creepy right?” James asked her and she blushed slightly and put her head back down on the pillow next to his. 

“No, I think it’s romantic.” She said and he chuckled. His eyes opened and Natalia found herself breathless as she stared into his icy blue eyes. He smiled softly at her before kissing her. Natalia grinned from ear to ear as she tried to deepen the kiss. 

He gave her a goofy grin and ran his hand through her hair. She wondered if this was how other couples spend their mornings most of the time. His other arm wrapped itself firmly around her waist. She ran her fingers down his toned stomach and enjoyed the feeling of the way he shivered the lower she got. 

His eyes opened to stare at her and she shivered at the need in his eyes as he moved away from her lips to kiss and nip at her neck. She moans as he bites on that one spot that always seems to drive her crazy. She rolls her hips on his in retaliation. 

He smirked against her neck and he marks her again as his. She brought his face up to meet hers and she quickly flipped them so that she was on top. He let her dominate over him and the hunger in his eyes sent a burning fire throughout her whole body.

She trembled in anticipation at the dirty promises he was making with his eyes as she attacked his neck. She would make sure to let everyone know that he was hers as she kissed and nipped at his neck. He groaned and both his hands fell in place on her hips as they squeezed them slightly. 

She rolled her hips down on his growing bulge right as her stomach rumbled.His eyes flew to hers and he raised an eyebrow as he tried to keep from laughing. He bit down on his bottom lip and Natalia glared at him. Don’t do it. She told him with his eyes but he just shook his head. 

“When was the last time you ate?” He asked her and she placed her head on his amazing stomach that she wanted nothing more than to get back to where this was going. 

“I don’t remember.” She muttered knowing that there was no going back from here. He lifted her face and the hungry was still in his eyes and Natalia hoped that maybe they would continue as he reached out and kissed her.

She shut her eyes and gasped as he bites down on her bottom lip. He used that as a way to slip his tongue into her mouth and she moved her hands to his hair to yank on it and he moaned into her mouth. Natalia suddenly flipped and her eyes widened as she was now on the bottom while he was hovering over her. 

He smirked looking down at her and she glared at him. 

“Unfair.” She said and he chuckled. 

“Breakfast first then we can continue.” He told her, kissing her cheek one more time before sliding off her. She was suddenly left feeling cold alone in bed and pouted. This was not how she wanted her morning to go. She watched him as he walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. 

Her eyes traced over his back which much to her pleasure had her claw marks running down it. She smirked slightly thinking of a way to possibly make breakfast much more enjoyable. She quickly left the bed and to look through some of her drawers trying to find the outfit she specifically saved for moments like these. 

Finally, Natalia’s hands found something black and lacy. She grinned to herself as she rushed into the bathroom to put it on. She looked at herself quickly in the mirror before smirking. Natalia touched up her hair a bit before existing. 

“Hey Red do you want scrambled eggs or pancakes?” James called out and she rolled her eyes. She wanted something off the menu. She was quiet as she walked into the kitchen and positioned herself perfectly. 

“Natalia?” James asked as he turned around and his jaw dropped. He blinked slightly and cleared his throat. If Natalia wasn’t so desperately horny for her boyfriend she might have tried to tease him more. She may have even laughed at his reaction however he left her in the bedroom needy and desperate measures had to be taken. 

“What did you want to know?” She asked him innocently and he blinked and opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He gulped slightly as his eyes traced down her figure and she stepped closer to him. 

He was completely entranced by her and she smirked as she was finally standing tall and proud in front of him clad in almost nothing. She slowly moves her hand up and down his chest as she slowly brings her mouth on it. He tenses as she kissed him up and down all of his stomach leaving marks where she pleases. 

Much to her surprise, he shows a great deal of restraint even with the growing bulge in his pants. He lets her have her fun however Natalia wasn’t looking for soft this morning. 

“And I thought there were two wolves here.” She whispered in his ear as she traveled down and kissed his neck. In one motion everything on the countertop was thrown off as he tossed her on it and then climbed on top of her. 

Natalia smirks in victory at her lover’s loss in control and she enjoys every second of it. She didn’t know how many more of these victories were left to come.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey as promised chapter 4! It's been a rough week but I really hope you guys enjoy this next chapter I had a lot of fun writing it.

The night was dark however within seconds flames lit up all around her. With how bright and high the flames burned if you were looking from afar they almost appeared to be touching the sky. Natalia watched with blank eyes as bodies jumped out of windows. 

They wouldn’t survive the fall and they knew it. She watched from afar as they dropped one by one, some were burning on the way down, like a shooting star across the sky. Only Natalia could never convince herself that was what was really happening. 

Some of them weren’t even shaped like humans anymore. Their bodies were mangled however they still burned all the same. She watched each of them fall as if they were being cast out of the sky. 

Their piercing screams would haunt her till the end of her days. The fire was in her eyes as she heard children cry out in pain as the fire engulfed them. Some of their screams didn’t even sound human anymore. She could do nothing but watch as they burned. Natalia couldn’t close her eyes. She refused, she needed to remember just how many people died by her hands tonight. 

She stayed and heard every scream, she wondered if Department X truly thought these people were being put out of their misery. She’s done this before, it never gets easier. In the Red Room, they taught her that the only way to survive was to follow orders. 

Even when her orders led her down this dark path. Natalia didn’t hesitate, she couldn’t not when she had so much to lose. When there was a cracking sound she watched as the floors to the hospital started to give in. She stayed even after the night became quiet and the air was filled with smoke. 

Every moment she stayed because she was the monster in the night. Finally, she let a single tear slide down her face as she closed her eyes to the terrors around her. 

She was forged by fire. 

Natalia could still hear it being whispered around her. She could still see the fear in people’s eyes even from a young age. Natalia knew what she was being created to be and she had accepted it until everything changed. 

Suddenly there was something for her to lose. Something that she fell in love with. She imagined that he was here and wondered what his reaction would be, watching this fire happen knowing it was all her doing. She pictured the disgust in his eyes as he looked at her and more tears fell. 

She took a deep breath trying to calm herself down when suddenly something cold and metal was pressed gently on her face. Her eyes snapped open and she thought for sure that the smoke must have gotten the better of her. 

He was standing there in front of her with gentle eyes. No look of disgust or hatred. He was silent as he took one last look at her before holding her. Ashes surrounded them as the rest of the building finally gave out and Natalia was numb as his strong arms held her tight. 

He was silent as he just held her. No explanation needed to be said. She didn’t wonder why he was here or how he found her. There was silence around them and they stayed like that. It wasn’t until the flashes of red and blue came did they run and he took her hand pulling her to come with him. 

Because she was weak and he needed to be strong for her. Natalia watched over him every night and sometimes he forgot that they were in the same business and she remembered all of it. He looked at her in a different light with this discovery. 

James thought that he would still never be good enough for her. No one ever would be. However, if he could take care of her and be there for her then maybe that would be enough. His lover stayed silent throughout this whole ordeal. 

She didn’t ask where he got the car or where they were going. Her eyes that usually hold a burning flame were dimmed. He observed her in passing glances remembering to keep his eyes on the road. He kept one hand on the steering wheel however laid his other hand out to her. It was her choice if she wanted to take it. 

He came to her as soon as he got wind of what kind of mission she was being sent on. James wished that she had told him and he could have gone with her, no one should have to do that alone. A part of him, however, knew why she didn’t tell him and he loved her more for that.

She didn’t want their blood on his hands. He looked over at her and knew that she would have to be the one to get out of this. He made a promise to himself that he would get her out. This life was poisoning her and he refused to let the same thing that happened to him, happen to her. 

He knew that their days were numbered in that moment. He knew he would have to say goodbye because there was no way that they were both getting out. James made a promise that it would be her to be set free. 

James found himself studying her closely trying to memorize every curve in her face. Anything he could see from his position driving he would take and he loved every detail of her. 

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When they finally made it back to their apartment after a day of traveling they were both exhausted. James had switched cars already multiple times and he parked the stolen car right outside the city limits. He looked over to see Natalia fast asleep. He didn’t want to wake her as he quietly shuffled out of his seat. He closed his door softly and went to open hers. 

He tried his best not to wake her as he went to unbuckle her and pick her up. She tossed slightly in her sleep however with a couple of hushed words from him saying she was alright she went back to sleep. James made sure he had a good grasp on her before using his leg to close the door, he didn’t bother to lock it. The more damage done to it the harder it would be to trace it back to them. 

James kept her close to him as he started their journey back to their small apartment as the sunset on the horizon. James held in a chuckle wondering how this may look to the people passing him by. He held onto her a little tighter when he felt the temperature start to drop with the sun setting. 

When he finally made it to the apartment complex James looked down at his sleeping lover in his arms and knew that all those steps he was about to take were worth it. So he made sure that her head was never hit and luckily he didn’t run into anyone on the narrow steps. 

His final challenge would be opening the door. James glared at the doorknob that was so inconveniently placed at a time like this. He gently tried to shift Natalia so that way he could try to hold her up with only one hand while his other reached into his pocket to pull out the key. 

He searched and with a sigh, in relief, he pulled it out of his pocket and with a twist they were back inside their home. James went right to the bedroom and sat her down on the bed. She instantly curled up on his side of the bed and he smiled softly. 

He sat down next to her and undid her shoes. He took them off and placed them by the bed before getting off the bed to make them something to eat. James glanced at her one more time before leavening the bedroom. 

James opened the fridge and looked around to see what he could make for her. His eyes landed on fresh strawberries and he smiled to himself knowing exactly what he could make her. Crepes were one of her favorite french cuisines and it just so happened he knew how to make her a strawberry one. 

Quickly he checked the fridge for ice cream and frown when he realized that they only had peanut butter cups. He shrugged his shoulders knowing that he would just have to make it work. It was once of her favorite flavors anyway. He slowly got to work on making her crepes. 

He was putting a thin layer of batter on the pan when he felt someone’s arms sneak around his waist from behind. He didn’t freeze as her scent engulfed his senses and turned his head slightly to see her fiery red hair buried into his shoulder. 

He smiled at how cute she looked, she changed into one of his black t-shirts and her leggings. She stayed like that until finally, she met his gaze and he was entrapped in them. The war going on between her eyes was heartbreaking and he couldn’t help but lean down and kiss the top of her head. 

“Thank you.” was all she said and James nodded his head and grimaced slightly when he turned back around to see he burnt his first crepe. She furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Pancakes?” She asked looking at the ingredients. 

“No, I’m making crepes,” James told her and her eyes lit up. 

“Strawberries?” She asked, almost with a child-like innocence and he chuckled. 

“Only for my girl.” He said and playfully winked at her. She grinned up at him, it didn’t quite reach her eyes however James knew that this was a step in the right direction, at least she was talking. 

“Do you want to clean up and take a shower?” He asked her. 

“Are you telling me I smell?” She asked sarcastically and he shook his head. 

“Just a little Red.” He said and she flicked him as he poured the batter to make a crepe hoping that he wouldn’t burn this one. She sat down on the island and helped him by cutting up the strawberries, they both knew better than to let her anywhere near the stove. 

“How’s the strawberries coming along?” He asked as he flipped another crepe on its side. When he didn’t get a response he turned his head to see her staring down at the knife in her hands. He frowned slightly and tried again. 

“Natalia?” He called out to her and she snapped out of the daze she was in. The haunting look in her eyes shone again and James knew that it was going to be a long time for her to be able to come back from something like this. 

He crossed the room towards her and bent down on one knee so that they could be eye level. Natalia looked over at him with a curious gaze as he wrapped his arms around her. The smell of burning crepe filled the air but it didn’t matter, he would let it burn for all he cared. They already had enough for dinner tonight. 

She tensed as he wrapped his arms around her however eventually she loosened up and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. 

“Natalia, look at me.” He told her and when she shook her head, he used his human hand to lift her chin. 

“You aren’t alone.” He told her softly. James won’t chastise her for doing what she did, he’s burnt cities to the ground before he knew what it’s like to have to follow orders. 

“I’m with you till the end no matter what.” He told her and her eyes widened slightly. James's head started to spin as the words coming from his mouth felt foreign, almost as if he'd said them somewhere before or at least something like them. 

“You can’t promise me that,” Natalia said, finding her voice and he grimaced.

“Then how about this promise, I will always no matter what. I’ll find you again in this lifetime or the next I will find you and I will remember you because I don’t want to live another day without you in my life.” He told her and her eyes widened as she laughed slightly. 

“Careful James one might think you are proposing to me.” She told him and he realized that he was bending down on one knee. James looked at her and realized that he wanted that life with her but he held himself back. 

“Not today.” He told her teasingly however that wasn’t something possible at this moment and it might never be. He can’t promise her a life with him, only that no matter what he’ll come back to her because he never knew when they were going to take him away again. 

“Not today?” She teasingly asked him and he sighed. 

“I don’t think we need a piece of paper to tell us when we feel.” He told her and her as she broke out into a smile. 

“I love you.” She told him and closed the distance between them. It wasn’t bruising or forceful but it still held the same passion in it since their first kiss. She was fire and he ignited it. 

“Umm James, you know the crepes on fire?” She asked and he was in a daze from their kiss that he didn’t fully process what she said until his head whipped around to see a fire. 

“Shit.” He muttered as he ran to put it out. His curses and her laughter filled the room. 

.

.

.

The cover of the night protected them from any wandering eyes as they laid together on top of their apartment building. Things had been peaceful between them ever since James had been able to help her conquer her demons. To say the least she learned to appreciate walks more. She had just gotten home from a mission and James spoiled her with a homemade meal and a bubble bath waiting for her. 

They now lay quietly on the roof together as they look up and study the stars. She was nestled into his arms and all she could think about was how she was surrounded by him. Natalia couldn’t help but let herself feel happiness. It was a strange feeling having a partner after being alone for so long. 

“Tell me about your past.” He asked her and she froze. Natalia could have sworn he was asleep however his blue eyes stood out against the darkness surrounding them and she found herself hesitating to tell him all the horrible things she’s done. 

“Do you think that there’s anything that you could have done to scare me away?” He asked her as his hands ran through her hair. She wanted to argue to say that she’s bleeding red however she realized he understood all the terrible things she’s done. He already knows the guilt that comes with waking up every day. 

“What do you want to know?” She asked not sure where to start.

“The beginning.” He told her and she tried to remember. She came to the Red Room at such a young age it was hard to remember what life was before it. 

“I remember two figures, their faces are completely blurred together however I remember my mother always having bruises covering her and my father always reeked of alcohol. There’s very little I remember before the fire.” She explained. 

“The fire?” He asked her in confusion. 

“I’ve tried to remember that night so many times. That was how they found me. My house was set on fire one night in winter in Russia, I remember it being the warmest night as the fire tried to reach out to me only my mother tossed me out a window to get out. I remember reaching out to her only to watch as my dad pulled her back. They burned together and I watched from the snow.” Natalia explained to him and he rubbed her back as if trying to soothe her pain. 

“It was a long time ago.” She said feeling empty as she watched her mother and father burn. She remembered her mother was the one to start it after her father tried to attack her. Natalia flinched as she remembered reaching out for her mother only to have her whole body be snatched into the flames. 

“You still remember it,” James said and she shook her head. 

“I can’t even remember their names. I went back one time when I was in the Red Room. I was sent out on my first mission, it was something standard however I went back to see the house was still a pile of rubble. I found two unmarked graves next to the rubble. I left some flowers for them and never looked back.” Natasha told him as he kissed her forehead. He didn’t offer her any apologies or words of comfort because that wasn’t what she needed, she just needed someone to be there for her. 

“You don’t have to tell me anymore.” He told her and she shook her head. 

“It feels good talking about it with someone.” She told him and he listens to her talk for hours about the Red Room and what it was like growing up in a fiercely competitive environment. 

“I remember one girl was caught putting glass in another girl's dance shoe. You quickly learn not to trust and to constantly be looking over your shoulder. The instructors did nothing to the girl that put glass in the one girl's shoe and as for the girl with an injured foot, she was never seen again.” Natalia stated. James knew exactly what happened to the girls that were sent away from the Red Room. 

He didn’t tell Natalia that he remembers hearing their screams as several doctors tested on them. Teaching them that their imperfections could be cured only they never did. They were constantly searching for the perfect super-soldier serum that was used on him however they never received it until 1991. He was the one to retrieve it and James flinched at the memories of that night. He remembers hearing that women cry out for her husband. 

“James, are you alright?” She asked, putting her hand on his face he nodded his head. 

“Have you remembered anything else since your name?” She asked and judging by the frown on his face she assumed not. 

“No it’s like I can see bits and pieces of missions I’ve been on but I have no clue how old I am or where I come from. I remember snow and blood on the ground and someone shouting ‘Bucky’ but anything before that is blank.” He told her and she furrowed her eyebrows together. 

“Could Bucky have been a name someone called you?” She asked and he winced slightly and let out a hollow laugh. 

“I hope I wasn’t called Bucky.” He said and she smiled teasingly. 

“I think it has some charm to it,” Natalia told him and he scoffed. 

“For me to let someone call me Bucky I must have had to be close to that person,” James told her and she raised an eyebrow. 

“How close?” She asked and he smirked. 

“You jealous Red?” He asked her and she shrugged it off. 

“Not at all.” She told him and he laughed. 

“You are.” 

“Am not.” She told him although he could see right through her. 

“Red you're the only one for me. Plus I think the way you say James is much sexier than the guy shouting Bucky.” He told her laughing and she punched him in the chest.

“You didn’t tell me it was a guy.” She scolded him but he was laughing so hard that his face turned slightly red. 

“Your face.” He said and she gave him another wack on his shoulder. 

“You aren’t getting any tonight.” She said and he immediately stopped laughing. 

“What no Red come on it was a joke babe. I love you.” He said and now it was her turn to be the one to start laughing as he desperately tried to convince her not to go on a sex ban. 

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.

.

“Do you ever want to remember your past?” Natalia asked later in the night as they laid in bed together. She rubbed patterns into his chest as she watched his chest rise and fall. 

“Sometimes.” He told her honestly. 

“Why wouldn’t you?” She asked and he shrugged. 

“I had a life before this, I had friends and family at some point however I don’t even know if they're still alive at this point. Whenever I try to figure out how long I’ve been trapped it’s always felt like it’s been decades.” James told her and she froze. 

“You're afraid to find out what happens to them.” She said and she could feel him take a deep breath. 

“Yes.” He admitted to her. Natalia knew that wasn’t an easy thing to say. She knew that fear wasn’t an option with his corporation. Any emotion wasn’t welcomed when it came to them, especially love. 

“What if we could try and investigate into your past would you be willing to try it?” She asked and his eyes widened.

“I’m not sure if that’s a risk I’m willing to take Natalia.” He told her and she looked at him. 

“Why not all you want to do is remember the past if we investigated then maybe we could find something that could help you.” She tried and he shook his head. 

“I’m not willing to risk any possible future I have with you to try and remember the past Natalia. If we get caught and believe me we will be, I’ll be wiped and put on ice till their positive you aren’t around anymore.” He explained to her and she frowned. 

“So all the memories have to come to you naturally.” She said and he had a mischievous look in his eyes. 

“I was thinking about that….” James said trailing off and her eyes widened and she glared at him the second she realized what he was referring to. 

“Absolutely not.” She started sitting up and he frowned. 

“I think cognitive recalibration works great. It’s effective and it doesn’t let them know what we’ve been doing.” James told her and sat up and leaned his head against the bedpost. 

“Is that what we're calling it. What was it, cognitive recalibration? James, I’m not hitting you on the head that hard again!” She snapped and he pushed his lips together. 

“I wouldn’t have even known my name if you hadn’t hit me.” He said pleading with her and she shook her head. 

“No it’s dangerous and we got lucky.” She told him. 

“Just a second ago you wanted to help me try and remember things!” James said and she glared at him. 

“Yes but not by hitting you in the head hoping to shake something loose!” Natalia shouted and they froze. 

“I won’t hit you like that not when it’s without a purpose,” Natalia told him shaking her head at him, all she could see was her mother covered in bruises and her father’s drunk face smiling down at her mother like he created a work of art. 

He stared at her silently. This was their first fight and Natalia needed to get out; she needed space. She slowly stood up and walked out of the bedroom. 

“Where are you going.” He called out trying to follow her and she put her hands on her forehead. 

“I need space.” She told him and he stared at her. This was their first fight, Natalia realized and she had no idea what to do. She needed to get out of here, all she wanted to do was run away from it. 

“No Natalia we need to stay and talk about this.” He told her and she shook her head. 

“I need space.” She repeated staring at the door counting how many steps it would take for her to be gone. Air she just needed air. 

“No you want to run and you can’t run away from this and expect it to come back and be fine Natalia that’s not how this relationship works,” James called out to her down the hall. 

“How do you know what I want!” She yelled at him again and she watched him as his eyes closed and he took a deep breath. 

“You're not your father Natalia.” He told her and she froze. He stared at her with sad eyes as he approached her. He kept his hands up almost afraid that she’d pounce at any moment. He knew he needed to be the calm one right now, he needed to be responsible. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered to her as he was finally a foot away from her. He looked into her stormy eyes and hoped that she wouldn’t run. She stared at him for another thirty seconds before nodding her head and he sighed in relief as he finally closed the distance between the two of them. 

“I’m sorry too.” She whispered as she wrapped her arms around him and he held her tighter. They were silently standing in the middle of the hallway and Natalia took deep breaths and the walls didn’t feel as if they were going to trap her. 

“You're not your father, you never could be. I’m sorry I didn’t think about it like that, it was selfish.” He told her and she shook her head. 

“No you want to know your past and I support you completely. I want to help you remember your past however we're talking about me causing some sort of damage to the point where you remember everything? I’m not sure that’s something I want to put you through. I’m not willing to take that chance that something goes wrong.” She told him and he understood that a part of him loved her that she was growing up and becoming more responsible. 

Sometimes he looks at her and he sees the changes from when they first met. Still a little reckless at times but she’s grown up in the past couple of years and he wished he could have been there for those years, to watch her grow and experience those life lessons. 

“We’ll figure it out as we go okay? Like I said I’m not going to risk my future with you for my past.” He told her kissing her on the forehead. She held onto him tighter and he breathed in the scent of her. 

“Let’s go back to bed.” He said looking as the sun started to break through the curtains. 

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Natalia woke up to her burner phone ringing and groaned as she reached around searching for it in her pile of clothes on the floor. She could hear James shift on the bed and she turned to see him rub his eyes. Adorable she thought to herself before pulling her phone out of the pocket of her pants. 

“Hello?” She asked, her face completely void of all emotions. 

“Natalia darling how are you this fine morning?” Ivan asked her and she rolled her eyes. 

“What’s my next mission?” She asked him and he sighed.

“Always the impatient one Natalia. I’m doing great by the way.” He told her. 

“Ivan.” She told him in a warning tone, he just interrupted every great dream she was having about her and James. 

“Alright, alright I should have known you weren’t a morning person. You flew out to Germany tonight at 8 a cab will be by to pick you up at 7.” He told her and she hung up the phone. Another mission so soon. Natalia knew that she shouldn’t feel this surprised but she couldn’t stop herself. 

“Another mission so soon?” James asked, taking the words right out of her mouth. 

“Yea tonight.” She told him and looked over at him to see a frown on his face. 

“I’ll go make breakfast.” He said getting up out of bed and walked out of the bedroom leaving Natalia alone. She sighed thinking about their fight last night and wished they had more time together. Natalia shook her head the assignment might only last a week at most. 

She walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen where James was making his signature pancakes. 

“Chocolate chips or peanut butter chips?” He asked and she smirked. 

“Both.” She said and he shook his head. 

“I don’t know why I bother asking anymore,” James told her in a slightly better mood then he was a couple minutes ago. Natalia went and started to make the coffee which was something she could do. Maybe it was because she needed to function. 

“Here you go,” James said, placing a plate in front of her and she grinned digging in. She tried not to look at the time as a countdown started until 7. She didn’t want to spend her day with James constantly wondering how much time they had left. 

James abruptly got up from his chair and walked into the bedroom. Natalia looked over confused as he brought out their boots and coats. He grinned at them as he placed them beside her.

“We’ve lived here for over a year and we have never explored the area once, your leavening tonight and the day is still young.” He said and at first, Natalia was surprised by his suggestion. She wanted to say that it was risky but realized that after their fight last night getting out might be what they needed. 

Quickly she grabbed one of her many black baseball caps and placed it on his head. She grabbed her favorite pair of sunglasses before giving them a one over and smiling.

“Do you think I’ll need a wig?” She asked and James hesitated for a moment.

“For what we're doing the baseball cap should be fine plus it will be a little odd if I called you Red when you’re wearing a wig,” James said playing with a strand of her hair. She nodded and smiled at the thought of not having to wear one of those insanely itchy wigs. 

“Ready?” She asked excitedly and he smirked leaning down to give her a quick peek on the lips before grabbing her hand and leading them towards the door.

Romania in the fall was beautiful. They stayed away from major tourist attractions and instead stayed with the simple beauty of the city. They walked around from street to street holding hands, though they were sadly also constantly on guard. They walked through a food market and picked up some fruits for lunch.

James grabbed a plumb and Natalia grabbed a couple of strawberries. Slowly they moved farther and farther from town and were exploring the vase arranges of hills and mountains before finally settling

“You must like plumbs?” Natalia teased as James bit into his second one.

“So much better than strawberries.” He states and she rolls her eyes.

“Let’s agree to disagree.” She said and he laughed looking out in the scenery.

“It’s nice in Bucharest,” James said and Natalia looked over at him.

“Yeah, I just wish we were able to explore more countries without having to be on missions.” She said.

“Like a vacation?” He asked and she nodded.

“I know it's impossible in our line of work.” She said and he shrugged.

“Every time I’m with you it feels like a vacation.” He said and she hit him over the head.

“When did you become such a sap?” She asked.

“I was bored one day and picked up one of those sappy forbidden love books.” He said casually and Natalia burst out laughing.

“It wasn’t quite for me however I may have to give it another try being that you’re going to be gone for a bit.” He said sadly.

“It should only take a week plus you’ll probably be going on an assignment soon anyway.” She said thinking about how they don’t like to give their main assets a lot of downtime.

“My handler contacted me today to set up a meeting tomorrow.” He replied and she nodded her head as a spike of panic went through her.

“Have they said anything about your condition?” She asked almost too casually for how much it really would affect them if they were to decide to freeze him again.

“No, although I’m expecting them to get a bit antsy about it. With Dr. Zola gone they haven’t found a replacement for him yet. They’ve never had me out for this long without recalibration and so far I’ve been the perfect soldier however there’s talk about a new leader moving up in an American organization. They may try to move me closer to wherever the new base is.” He told her and Natalia nodded her head.

They couldn’t stay much longer on the hill due to Natalia’s flight time and the fact that she wasn’t able to pack due to their sporadic decision to explore. The walk back was silent. There was a heaviness in the air surrounding the two of them. When they finally made it back to the apartment when the tension finally broke.

“What if I missed my flight?” Natalia asked and James looked at her oddly not understanding.

“You would have to notify your handler.” He said and she shook her head.

“What if we never left James? What if we decided once and for all we were done and ran away?” She asked, hoping that he would say yes, almost pleading with him to say yes. There was a storm going on in his eyes and she could tell he was tempted.

“You know what they would do to us if they found us, Natalia? You aren’t protected from them.” He said and she closed her eyes.

“We should be able to manage on our own James if we never try then we’ll never know.” She said, however, she knew that James wouldn’t let go of his duty, partially because of the brainwashing but mainly because he’s worried about them being found.

“Natalia I’ve been trapped with these people for a very long time. I don’t think they're just going to let me escape. Natalia, there will be a manhunt and I want you as far away from that as possible.” He said and she nodded her head and headed into the room.

“Natalia don’t walk away from this.” He said and she ignored him packing her bag.

“Natalia you’re being childish.” He said and she just kept packing her bags. He sighed and pulled the bag away from her.

“Stop.” He said and she glared up at him.

“Natalia I want nothing more than to run away with you and never look back, however, our actions have consequences and call me crazy but I’d rather have you in my life like this than none at all.” He said and she shook her head.

“But you're not even trying to have something better.” She said and he looked at her. James looked just if not more exhausted as her. He was very tight-lipped about the missions he was being sent on however Natalia knew they were taking their toll on him. 

“This is the best I could ever give you. I can’t have a family or have kids. I can’t get married or retire one day. I’m a machine Natalia to them, they're never going to let me go. I know this isn’t the life you wanted and I wish I could give you more but there’s nothing left I can give you. I don’t want to risk what we have now for a life on the run constantly afraid.” He said and Natalia knew that what she was asking was impossible. She fell in love with a man still wearing armor and he was trained to never take off that armor. 

“We're already constantly hiding James! We can’t be together in public but call me crazy but I want a life where we’re free.” She said and he gave a tiny smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Natalia knew that he was never going to run away with her.

He didn’t understand that there were ways for them to be free even if they were on the run. To her, they were living a life of constant fear playing the waiting game. If they left they would at least have more control of the situation. 

“Look can we just talk more about this when you get back. I don’t want to have you leaving with us on a bad note.” He said and she nodded her head, it was a dangerous promise to make. She truly did love him and that was the problem. Natalia wanted him to be free; she wanted them both to be free from fear.

He helped her finish packing and they lay down on the bed for the longest time just holding each other. He would run his fingers through her hair and she would run her fingers over his face trying to memorize the shape of it.

Eventually one of them would make a comment that made the other laugh before silence took over again. When Natalia’s timer went off they both looked over at each other unsure of what to do. He grabbed her chin and kissed her as if this could be the last time they saw each other. For all, they knew this would be.

He helped her bring her bag downstairs and to the cab waiting to take her to the airport. He didn’t kiss her goodbye like he did in the apartment however he did open and close the door for her. He also watched as the cab took her away and stayed there for a long time after she was gone.

James walked into their apartment and with every step, he took farther away from her a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach grew. Suddenly the door to their apartment didn’t hold the same security it once did. James felt coldness sweep over his body. He realized that he didn’t want a life without her. That he was ready to leave Hydra for good. 

James promised himself that his next mission would be his last. He promised himself he would be better for Natalia and that they would run away together. As soon as she got back he would have the bags packed and they would run away. 

However, as soon as he opened that door reality washed over him as he was greeted by a room full of Hydra men waiting for his return. James cursed at himself for being so reckless. He looked over to see someone having a smoke in the center of the room.

“Soldier.” He said as if scolding a child. James wished he could take it all back and run away with Natalia however he was happy that she was safe and far away from danger.

“It seems that Dr. Zola wants to meet with you.” The man said. His bright white teeth almost sparked as he smiled and James felt the urge to punch whoever this man was in the face.

“Dr. Zola is dead,” James said plainly.

“Not quite I’m afraid. I do believe we haven’t had the pleasure of meeting, I’m Alexander Pierce.” He said, however, didn’t offer his hand. James looked around the room and without hesitation he attacked.

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.

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Natalia woke up to bright lights and shut her eyes again not quite ready for lights that intense. She could feel a pounding in her head and fogginess for where she was and reaching for the last thing she remembers.

“Come now Natalia it’s rude to keep us all waiting.” She could hear Madam Irene say. When Natalia finally opened her eyes again she could see she was back in a familiar-looking office that she had been in several times before.

“I’m surprised that you were taken out so easily, but then again what have we taught you? Love makes you weak.” She said standing up and Natalia’s eyes shot open remembering the cabbie filling the back seat with some gas and then nothing.

“You are supposed to be made of marble Natalia, not glass.” She scolded her and Natalia felt a raise of panic wash over her. James. She thought desperately hoping that he was as far away from here as he could be.

“Where is he?” She asked and her mentor scoffed, the past few years have not treated her well from the looks of it with the streaks of grey coming through in her fair blond hair.

“There was no he, it was a soldier, Natalia. It’s not a human, it can’t love you and you can’t love it.” She said and Natalia felt rage boiling in her.

“Where is he?” She asked again, slightly more frantic. Her mentor just looked disappointed before shaking her head.

“I was hoping you’d be better than this Natalia, you were perfect. I’d hope that maybe when the reports came in that you were just playing around trying to get more information out of the organization however with more and more information coming in it was getting harder to deny the facts.” She said crossing the room to lean on her desk.

“We can’t kill you for your betrayal, you're too valuable to us whether you're broken or not. However, we can make the problem itself disappear.” She said with a dangerous glint in her eyes and Natalia looked over her shoulder as her mentor made a gesture with her hands.

Two men grabbed a hold of her shoulders and held her up out of the chair and when she tried to fight they would shock her. Natalia was taken into one of the labs and the sight that stood before her had her scream out in terror.

James was strapped down to a chair completely beaten and bloody. He didn’t see her at first but when he heard her scream he looked up and his icy blue eyes met hers.

She watched as the panic set in and he struggled against his restraints trying to get to her. She cried out for him, however, it was too late as they started the recalibration process. Everything was quiet except for his screams of pain as they dug deep into his mind, trying to make him inhuman again, the perfect soldier. Her eyes completely frozen on the imagine of him so thought about how just hours ago he was smiling, they were happy. Ever second felt like an hour and suddenly the screaming stopped.

The two men holding down Natalia dropped her and she ran over to James and tried to release him from his restraints however she felt something cold clamp down around her neck and toss her away from him.

She gagged as she looked up to see James staring down blankly at her as if he had no idea who she was. Any hope of him being able to remember her died as his eyes were void of any emotion. Any progress they had made with each other had been wiped; any memory of her was gone.

Natalia knew that their stolen time ran out at that moment and wanted nothing more than for death to take her. She saw him approach as a predator was about to slaughter his prey and she welcomed it. There was nothing left for her here.

When there was a sudden shout from the commander the Winter Soldier froze, like the perfect soldier he was, waiting for the order to kill. Natalia still had her hands around her throat from where he strangled her and was gasping for air. She looked up knowing this may be the last time she ever sees him hoping to memorize his face.

“Comrade.” She choked out trying to reach out to touch his face.

However, when she met his empty blue eyes she realized this wasn’t her Comrade. This was someone’s soldier, their Asset. She shivered at that thought and suddenly she was back to dance class lying down in a puddle of her blood.

There was that raw rage that found its way to the surface and unlike before, she didn’t push it down. There was a fire in her eyes and she made a promise that brick by brick she would destroy everything that they loved most in the world, as they did to her. She looked at everyone in the room and burned their faces into her memory.

Natalia watched as other officers commanded the Winter Soldier like he was a lap dog. Natalia made a promise that they would know that he was a wolf wearing sheep’s wool.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a heartbreaking week for the Marvel community. I'm not sure I've completely processed Chadwick Boseman's death. I just want to take a moment to acknowledge what an amazing and thoughtful man he truly was. Please keep his family and friends in mind and I hope you guys are all doing well in these crazy times. Anyway here is chapter 5 for you, this is the second to last chapter of the origin part for black widow before we start moving into the mcu timeline.

2004

There was always a legend in the Red Room. In the hallways, you could hear soft whispers of tales of a spy and a soldier, tales of a forbidden romance that had gone terribly wrong. The younger children listened closely as their elders told them stories of a soldier who screamed at night for his lost love slashing out at anyone who touched him and a spy who spent her days seeking vengeance to those that wronged her.

They would never get very far in the story due to one of the mentors noticing them talking and shushing them. The children would soon forget about the tales as something new and shiny caught their attention.

All the children grew silent outside as they watched the women with fiery red hair return from a mission. Several rumors were surrounding, some claim that she’s the spy in the story, which others scoff at saying that the Black Widow isn’t capable of love. Others would tell gruesome tales to back their claim by telling tales of how her hair was bathed in the blood of her enemies. Someone else would claim that she was in a terrible fire that killed her family and that the fire had gifted her with her bright red hair as a memory of their sacrifice. Many claimed that the KGB named her Black Widow because any man she slept with she would kill brutally, even if he wasn’t the target.

A girl mistakenly fell in the path of the infamous Black Widow and when she looked up in terror she saw bright green eyes filled with sadness. The little girl was in shock and awe at how painful her eyes looked. She smiled up giving the Black Widow a toothy grin before being dragged off by her scared friends, scolding her for not apologizing. 

The child’s attention was quickly taken over by her friend that she never noticed how the Black Widow’s eyes followed the child before shaking her head and turning away. At night the Black Widow lies awake repeating the names of those who wronged her and the promise she made to each and every one of them.

“Brick by brick.” She told herself as she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

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.

Natalia watched as the blood poured around her. She knew her face was also covered in it however she couldn’t find the will to care as she wiped her blades against one of the men’s shirts. She had gotten all the information she could before killing them.

She looked around and cringed at the mess she made. She made her way to the door where a perfectly placed bottle filled with gasoline was and she grabbed it. Natalia started to pour it over all the bodies, remembering to drench the ones she tortured the most.

She needed to erase all DNA evidence that could potentially link her. She made this look sloppy enough to be a gang attack. It was a shady area to have a business; she knew the cops wouldn’t look much further than to point the blame at the local gang.

It was impossible to blame a ghost for a crime. Over the past years, she’s perfected becoming a ghost. She watched as the gasoline fell and when the time came watched as the place burned.

There was a dangerous glint sparkling in her green eyes as the fire reflected in them. Her handler called her shortly after the fire had started. They would meet up at a local café and play the part of terrified tourists who watched as the fire department and police were called to put out the fire.

As she turned to walk away already knowing that police was on its way and would be there in around seven minutes. She sighed walking to her all-black car hidden in the shadows.

She pulled off her black wig and tossed it in the backseat of the car. Natalia pulled out a mirror and grimaced at her reflection. There was blood splattered on her face. She grabbed the water bottle in the seat next to her and splashed some on her face trying to scrub the blood off.

Natalia looked back in her reflection and shrugged it would have to be good enough for now. She changed her shirts and grabbed a spare pair of boots from the black seat realizing that hers were covered in blood.

By the time she was finished changing she disposed of the wig, her old shirt, and her favorite pair of boots into a dumpster. She was really going to miss those boots. She thought one last time before throwing them out with the rest of her things.

Natalia’s mission had been simple really; gather intel about the new organization in America that was sending over spies to Russia. Natalia had gathered enough to realize that these spies were untrained and went into attack and gathered more information however it seems as though this new American organization was playing it smart.

Natalia wasn’t able to get anything out of these men except that their Russian was horrible and they weren’t trained to see anyone as a threat, even a beautiful lost Russian. I mean really who would be lost on these streets? She thought to herself shaking her head.

So then plan b had to happen. She was given the orders and she took them and felt no remorse for anything, but then again there was little she felt now. Her burner phone buzzed in her pocket and a simple location was listed. Turning the phone back off she made her way to the local café.

There was nothing special about this café and that’s why it was chosen. Sirens and police cars were racing by and Natalia managed to hold a look of concern as she sat by the window drinking her coffee.

“Hello, Nina so sorry I’m late.” A man said coming up to her table. He gave a little peck on her cheek and when he went to sit down grabbed her hand. To the world around them, it looked like a happy couple with a clumsy boyfriend.

What they didn’t see is him whispering in her ear is good work compliments of madam. No, they most certainly didn’t hear or see that he grabbed her hand so he could place a flash drive in the palm of her hand.

They didn’t see the way her face tensed as he kissed her cheek. Not all the outside world saw was just an ordinary couple having a quick cup of coffee.

Ivan had been Natalia’s handler for the past couple of months since she’s been allowed on active field duty again. He was young compared to past handlers however was able to come up with a lie right on the spot. Natalia was almost always amused by the extravagant stories he was able to pull off.

Like Natalia, he had to change his appearance often. The first time they had met he had been wearing a very formal suit and had dark black hair with brown eyes. This time he was dirty blond with stubble and casual clothes to fit the settings. Natalia believed from his profile that he watched many James Bond movies.

“Oh, man Nina you won’t believe the day I’ve had I almost missed my train at 7 because I couldn’t wake up early enough and then when I went to the station I found out that I left my briefcase at home and it was all a big mess.” He said starting the act. Natalia paid attention to the details of what he was saying.

“Yea the headquarters said that they wanted me to head back however decided to put me on another case.” He said.

“Where are they sending you this time Josh?” She asked him to give her “boyfriend’s” hand a concerned squeeze.

“To Switzerland can you believe it? They haven’t told me anything about what to do, I feel as if I’m going in there naked.” He said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“How long will you be gone for?” She asked and he sighed.

“I know we have our first anniversary coming up on Tuesday but it seems like I might not be back in time till then.” He said and she nodded her head.

“I feel like they're always overworking you Josh. You need to stand up for yourself, you let your boss push you around too much,” Natalia said, starting to stand up to leave the café sighing and shaking her head, she had gotten everything she needed from him.

“Nina, wait I know it seems as though my work is taking up all my time but there’s a lot of competitors also going there and my boss really needs me to be able to land the deal.” He said and Natalia was able to express heartbreak on her face.

“Look Josh we’ll talk when you get back but I think it’s best if we take a break. I need to give myself time to think I want this kind of a relationship.” She said giving him one last goodbye before walking back to the car with the flash drive in hand.

She shifts gears and goes back to the safe house she’s been using as a bunker. It’s not until she opens the door and quickly locks it behind her does she think about the information Ivan has just given her.

She leaves for Switzerland on Tuesday by train. She already knew what train station it was because there’s only one that takes you to Switzerland. It was only Sunday so that gave her only a day to prepare for what she needs.

She also realized that she would be going in without backup which is standard for this kind of mission however she had gotten one more sliver of information that wasn’t normally in the script. Whatever it was that they wanted her to do. She wouldn’t be the only one going after her target.

When Natalia finally logged on to her computer and plugged in the flash drive she memorized the face with platinum blond hair and bright blue eyes that stared back at her. She raised an eyebrow at the name below the picture.

Alexander Pierce.

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.

.

Natalia watched her surroundings. Her golden dress shined when the light caught it capturing the attention of many, just what she was looking for. If the dress didn’t catch people’s eyes then it was slit in the dress that showed the perfect amount of leg that was just enough to make you want more. Natalia politely smiled and danced when asked, however now she was standing by the food watching her target from afar.

She made a note of whom he mingled with and who he talked to. Everything in Natalia’s body had her in high alert. Before even entering the facility she’d been met with 3 hitmen.

The first one was on the train ride to Switzerland, someone must have gotten wind of the KGB sending a spy and tried to attack. Natalia knew how the game worked, many companies were interested in the American organization that they knew very little about, what was their goal? Were they a threat?

She’d dealt with the assassin very easily, it was the body however that proved to be difficult. She knew that there couldn’t be any blood so she decided to snap his neck would be the best choice.

For the next part of what to do with the corpse, she realized that the train was going to stop at another station later this evening, giving her the perfect opportunity to dump the body without anyone noticing.

She easily slipped a hat on the guy and sunglasses and walked off the train holding most of his body weight laughing as if she was completely wasted. It was so late and dark that no one asked questions. She dumped the body on a bench making it look like he’d fallen asleep and with an easy hack into the train security system she was able to put the camera on a loop while dropping the body.

Natalia’s next assassin was there to greet her in her hotel room and their body was easier to dispose of, tied down by rocks and hidden in a wide lake. However sneaking the body down the steps of a hotel, that was the tricky part. 

When the bellboy tried to pick up her suitcase as she walked off to grab her car he could barely pick it up.

“What’s in this Miss, a bunch of rocks?” He asked and she laughed batting an eyelash at him.

“Just a dead body.” She said and he laughed at her before walking off. People always said the truth will set you free.

Well, the third one was on her way in and was now locked up in the janitor’s closet. She was lucky that her curls hadn’t fallen loose in that struggle. She’d spent a lot of time making herself look presentable; she’d hate to have it ruined.

She was brought out of her daze when she heard the song she’d been waiting all night for. She quickly spied the man that had been looking at her all night and blushed. She added in a little giggle behind her hand just to make sure he’d come to her.

He fell right into her trap, they all did. He asked her to dance where she shyly said yes. He grinned at her and she allowed for his eye to run up and down her figure. He was just a tool for her to get her real target, the one that was dancing right next to her about to fall into her web when they changed partners.

Until then she had to smile and pretend to be a ditzy model. She managed to keep her composure from cracking as once again her partner managed to step on her foot. The only thing stopping her was the change in tone symbolizing the change in partners. She winced as again this man tripped over himself and stepped on her toe again. Just like that, her eyes were met with bright blue that widened slightly before dancing.

“On behalf of men everywhere, I’d like to apologize for that man’s clumsiness.” Pierce started and Natalia laughed.

“Thank you my feet greatly appreciate that you aren’t quite as bad of a dancer as him.” She said, giving him a wide smile.

“I don’t believe I’ve seen you around these events before. What is your name?” He asked and Natalia smiled.

“Rushman, Natalie Rushman.” She said not bothering asking for his name, he knew she already knew it.

“Right well how did you find yourself here tonight with a bunch of stuffy old men? I’m sure there would be several other enjoyable things you could be doing.” He asked and she laughed.

“And what would you rather be doing Mr. Pierce?” She asked answering a question with a question, she already had him tied up and he didn’t even know it yet. She had placed the smallest tracking device on the inside of his jacket the second she started dancing with him.

“Well, I would rather be at home reading a book. I'm afraid that parties like these are much too stuffy for my taste.” He said and she laughed. He didn’t even notice his unanswered question and by the time it was over they bowed their heads at each other before joining their old partners.

Natalia quickly found an excuse to leave and go to the restroom. She quickly looked around and made sure no one was in there before climbing up and grabbing a black duffel bag. She headed into the stale and took off her silk golden dress for something a bit more practical for hunting.

Natalia almost swooned at the sight of her black boots finding her feet to be a bit sore after being stepped on so much. She quickly changed into her all-black outfit and stashed her duffel bag outside the window where her car was parked right by.

Natalia sat in her car with all the lights off except for the tracking device telling her when and where her mark was heading. When she finally saw the red dot begin to move she waited a couple of seconds before following.

She tracked him although the way to the hotel he was staying at and instead of entering she took a lesson out of her old mentor's book and went high instead. Natalia hid her car in the alleyway next to the building and used the fire escape to reach the top.

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.

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2003

“Why do you always go high Comrade, afraid of a little hand to hand combat.” She said in her earpiece as she finished taking down the last guy. She smiled looking around in satisfaction at her work.

“You and I both know that’s not true and behind you.” He said calmly and Natalia whipped her head around to see her assailant however he was already falling over with one bullet in the chest, a syringe was in his hand.

“I believe the words you're looking for are thank you.” He said and she rolled her eyes.

“Alright, Comrade thank you however I still don’t understand why you like being up high so much,” Natalia said as she continued to download all the files off the hard drive. 

“Join me.” He said and she raised an eyebrow before realizing that he couldn’t see her. She looked over her shoulder and looked at the building next to her and she at first could barely even see him however since she was looking for him she could see the slight shine of metal coming from his arm.

“Be there in five.” She said as she unplugged the flash drive and deleted all the files on the computer giving it a mighty virus and just to make the job look as if it was done by a newbie she threw the computer.

“Did I ever tell you how sexy you look destroying things?” Her soldier asked and she shook her head flipping her hair and giving him a little wink over her shoulder knowing perfectly well he’d be able to see that.

“Tease.” He muttered and she laughed opening the door and exiting to the stairs, she passed by several people on her way down and she smiled acting as though she had a successful business meaning, and she guessed in some ways she did.

Placing the flash drive in her hidden pocket she walked over to the next street over and discreetly walked around back to take the fire escape up. She paced herself not wanting to be out of breath by the time she got up there.

When she reached the top he was there waiting for her. He kept his mask on but Natalia didn’t mind it as much anymore, as long as he did take it off at some point. She couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face as she watched life move around them.

He grabbed her and pulled her close to him. He tenderly grabbed her arm and lifted it.

“You were right there.” He told her she could see everything in that room, which was well filled with dead bodies but Natalia chooses to ignore that fact considering she was the one that did the killing.

“When you're up high Natalia you get a better perspective than when you do when you're in close range, there are not as many distractions when your opponent isn’t standing right in front of you, you truly see everything.” He said and Natalia looked around and well she could see the appeal of it.

“I don’t think I could ever just sit here away from the action.” She said and he chuckled.

“Oh no much to impatience.” He said and she smacked him on the shoulder, she would have gone for the head if he weren’t so god damn tall. 

“We should get going though.” He said as he started to pack up his items and Natalia stood on the rooftop a little bit longer to hear all the things he wasn’t saying. When he was here, he had control of the situation but most importantly he had his freedom.

.

.

.  
2004

There was a sense of uneasiness that came over her as she was on the rooftop next to the hotel. The lights just seemed a little too bright and the air had become cool. Natalia had a gut instinct that something wasn’t right. She didn’t feel the control she once felt up on the rooftop in Romania. Maybe it was because she let herself think of him, maybe it’s because of the fact she hasn’t eaten since she got off the train.

Her target turned out to be a quiet man with not much to do; he was on his computer for a majority of it and even went to change into sweatpants. However there was a sudden shift in body posture, something had changed from where he was however due to the hotel’s small windows she couldn’t see anything.

Pierce walked over to turn off the lights however when they went off something caught her eye. A metallic glint had caught the light as it went out. Natalia’s feeling of uneasiness grew. Pierce didn’t go to sleep like she thought he would with the lights out and instead he poured himself a cup of milk.

Natalia didn’t understand why his lips were constantly moving; someone must have been in there with him. She didn’t like the feeling she got when he turned off the lights to have a conversation with this whoever else was in there.

Natalia couldn’t make anything out because it was too dark however after ten minutes or so Pierce was on his laptop working talking to someone on the phone. Natalia kicked herself for not thinking to add in a hearing device also, however, there was also a chance it would be too heavy.

She watched him for about another five minutes as he just simply worked on his computer before finally shutting it down for the night. Natalia was exhausted however, the second she closed her eyes all her other senses kicked in and that was when she heard it. 

Natalia’s eyes flew open as she whipped her head around just in time to block an attack. Her assailant had a knife in his hand and she kicked it up and heard it clatter to the ground somewhere. It was completely dark outside and Natalia couldn’t make out a single feature in the man wearing all black. Natalia almost thought he looked like a shadow that just detached itself from the darkness to drag her down with him.

Natalia was on the defense as he relentlessly attacked her, only once has she ever faced an opponent so strong. She pushed that thought of her head, not when there was a real and present danger in front of her. Finally, it seemed as if he gave her an opening and she took it.

She punched him in the spot where she knew it would hurt because her mentor trained her well. Suddenly he was on the defensive side with her relentless attacks, luckily for her, the serum would help keep her from tiring quickly.

Suddenly his arm came down with a ferocious speed that almost seemed inhuman-like. He managed to take a swing right at her head however she blocked but she wasn’t prepared for the immense strength it had.

Her eyes suddenly flashed up to her assailant's face with a sinking realization, her reflection shown in the Winter Soldier’s dark glasses and her horrified face stared back at her. She needed to get out of here now. She managed to punch him right in between his shoulder blades, right where his metal arm ended and the skin began. She knew her spider bites would be able to do damage.

He backed off away from her when he felt his arm start to freeze up due to the electric shock. Natalia took this as her opportunity to escape however when she jumped onto the next building with a sinking realization she could hear him following her, like a predator hunting its prey, she thought bitterly to herself.

She heard a shot and a bullet flew just centimeters away from her head. Natalia didn’t look back as she dodged for cover; she knew he wouldn’t miss again. That was a warning shot to her; she knew that he was angry with her for pulling that trick on his arm.

Natalia managed to find cover however knew she couldn’t be there longer than thirty seconds or he would find her. She needed transportation, she needed to get out of the country.   
Natalia calculated a plan to escape and set her trap, she just needed him to fall into her web. She could hear herself in a recording on her phone that she set up for emergence on the other side of the building. She could hear her voice go off.

“Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.”

Natalia watched as his head snapped in the direction of the voice and as he took a step in that direction something made him freeze. Natalia thought for sure that he figured it and was planning her escape route however with a thud to the ground Natalia saw as he clutched his head, his mask muffling his screams of agony. 

Natalia's heart stopped as his screams grew louder and she almost jumped from her hiding spot however something stopped her. 

“Promise me Natalia.”

She was frozen in her spot as slowly his cries were muffled. She couldn’t leave him like this but she knew no matter that she promised the man she loved, and he died a long time ago. Or at least that was what she told herself as she dropped down from the building, leaving him there knowing they would both be dead if found together. 

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.

When Natalia woke up the next morning her whole body was aching. She’d been up for most the night running off pure adrenaline however she finally allowed herself two hours of sleep to make sure she was still functional for her train ride tonight.

It was around 5 when Natalia woke up and started to get ready, her small go bag was already packed however Natalia just needed a shower. When she moved at certain angles her whole body ached. She turned on the facet to warm her that way her muscles could relax.

She didn’t let herself think in the shower, those were times when the dangerous thoughts came. She made sure she was quick about it despite her body’s protests to stay in the warmth.

She didn’t even give her body a glance over until she was standing in a full-body mirror and she froze. She was covered in bruises, which didn’t faze her however the one on her hip did. She’s had this mark before in the mornings, however, they were from a different style of fighting.

Natalia’s hands ghosted over a hand print on her hip from where he tried to grab her in the fight. There was a perfect hand print from his metal hand. She placed her hand on it and she pressed down on it to see if it was real. When she felt a slight pain she almost started sobbing, instead, she quickly got changed and grabbed her bag. Without another thought of him, she turned off the hotel lights and left. 

Natalia wore a black baseball cap and shaded sunglasses over her red hair because she didn’t feel like hiding her hair color today. Her boots clicked against the pavement as she walked across the street.

She found herself tracing her steps from last night. Natalia wasn’t sure what she was expecting as she climbed up the fire escape to the top of the building she was at last night.

Natalia let herself hope that he would be sitting there waiting for her, telling her he was ready. Tell her that he wanted to run away and never look back. She wanted nothing more than to go back to that night in Romania before this whole mess happened and convince him to run away with her.

However, she knew that he had made his choice and when he was with her she would never take his choice away from him. If she drugged his coffee and took him with her she would be no better than the people that made him a slave in the first place.

When Natalia reached the top she could feel whatever tiny hope of him possibly remembered her die. All she saw was a dirty rooftop. She let only a small amount of tears fall from her face.

Natalia didn’t want to admit it but a tiny part of her heart died leaving him there like that. She found him once again and he had no idea who she was and it took everything in her all night not to run back to grab him and go. Another part of her wondered if James would have wanted her to end his suffering. She shook her head at that thought, as selfish as it was if he was still alive there was always a chance to save him.

But she remembered her promise to James; he told her that her version of him would die when they wiped him. She knew that what was left was only the Winter Soldier, the one who attacked her and only stopped because he was commanded to.

All night she dreamed of him there on the ground clutching his head, every time she closed her eyes she saw him clutching his head. She wished James didn’t make her promise, she almost wished it were anything other than that.

It was too late for them, their borrowed time ran out. She knew that she was chasing after a children’s dreams, love was a child’s game. The KGB had been brutal on Natalia this past year with her training. They truly turned her into the monster they wanted, the perfect spy.

She’d become unrecognizable to the point when she looked into her reflection she wasn’t even sure what she saw staring back at her. They were erasing her memories of what love felt like with nothing. Natalia felt a coldness wash over her.

As much as they turned her into a monster there was always a part of her that would remember what love feels like. She gripped onto that every night when she went to bed. She remembered all the people that took her away from the only good thing in her life.

Those were the good nights, the worst when her mind would play games on her acting like James was there. Only to wake up to the sinking realization that he was gone and wasn’t coming back.

With that sudden coldness that washed over her, she decided to flip off her emotions once again to become the KGB’s perfect spy. She walked back down the steps without a second glance.

And maybe if she took that second glance she would have noticed that her phone she used as a distraction with her voice recording was gone.

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.

.

“Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.”

“Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.”

“Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.”

He’s heard this voice before. The way she said compromised was familiar to him, it was almost as if he’s heard her say it before in person. He touched a scar on his cheek. He couldn’t remember where he had gotten it from.

There was a list of ways that he’d been injured before yet none of them said anything about his face. It was the tiniest of lines sometimes when he woke up he didn’t even see it, yet for some reason, he felt it.

Getting back to base had no issues along the way. After he passed out to find her missing on the roof he felt an emotion he could depict at that moment. He wasn’t supposed to have any emotion that was something he knew, he never felt something like this before, everything was originally hollow.

Everyone was pleased that his mission had gone well and had asked for his mission report. However he’d done something he’s never done before, he lied. 

He told them the women had dark brown hair and that she vanished, he told them the reason he passed out was because she got a good shock in where his arm met metal causing a shortage.

The doctors looked at his arm and confirmed his story. He sat with the doctors for hours as they fixed his arm. He was lost in trying to find out why her red hair stuck with him so much. There was also the way she fought him felt so familiar to him almost as if it were a routine, she knew where to hit him like no one ever has before.

When they put him back in his cell and left him alone he took out the phone that she had used as a distraction. He applauded her for that and even felt a little proud. He shook his head; he had no idea who this woman was.

He stared a hole into the simple burner phone in his hand and for a while just played with it. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to happen as he just held it in his hands however he finally found the will to open the phone. There was practically nothing on it of any use however he did find one thing, the voice recording.

He listened to her voice and his muscles relaxed listening to her. He hated this feeling of the unknown. He played it over and over again trying to figure out who she was or why he couldn’t get her out of his head.  
There was a sudden pain bursting in his mind that sent him running to the bathroom where he spilled his guts into the toilet. His whole mind went white and all he could see was white and red.

He’s had those dreams of falling and only seeing white and red however this time it was different. He didn’t see a bloody arm half attached to his body and a name being called as darkness took over.

Instead, he felt nauseous all over again as he lay there on the cool bathroom tiles he smiled as her face flashed in his head. It was in a different setting she was laying in the snow and the only thing he could think about was one word,

Red.

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2007

At 219 West 47th Street, New York, New York, the streets were crowded as people rushed home to see their families after a long day of work. Unfortunately for the people sitting in this room watching as the people scrambled from workplace to home, this was not the case, in fact, their work was just beginning.

Nick Fury’s eye moved from the window to the people in front of him. They were all seated down trying to figure out the best way to approach this next case.

“With all due respect sir this case is something we’ve left ignored since 2003, they clearly aren’t going to stop. They’ve already made it a point that they’re going after S.H.I.E.L.D.” Coulson said. He looked very tired after all the long hours they’ve had to be working recently.

“So the infamous killer has been around for what 4 years now and we still haven’t been able to get our hands on her?” Fury asked and Coulson nodded his head.

“She’s been at large for many years now, always changing her appearance. None of our agents can describe her, believe me, sir I once had someone tell me that she had electric blue hair and bright red eyes,” Coulson said cringing slightly.

“Sir, I think the best way to handle this situation is by getting a small strike force together and attacking her by setting up a trap.” Maria Hill spoke up.

Fury sat silently deciding what to do. The infamous assassin has been a throne in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s side for almost half a decade and yet is still at large. Fury has been trying to gather information about her from the KGB however they were tight-lipped about their protégée. 

“Every attempt we’ve done using a team like that has come back to us in a body bag we’ve tried several times before and it was impossible,” Coulson said.

“What about the team we sent to Italy and Brazil?” Fury asked and Hill shook her head.

“Were still not even sure if it was her that killed them, my best guess was that she has someone else from the KGB protecting her,” Hill said and Fury raised his eyebrow.

“Why are we not certain that she killed those two teams?” Coulson asked.

“They didn’t fit the pattern of how the rest of them were killed, most of them were up close and she was able to attack them however the ones in Brazil and Italy were all from afar, shot dead by a rifle,” Hill said.

“Any ballistics on the rifle?” Fury asked and Hill nodded her head.

“Soviet-made completely untraceable,” Hill said and Fury nodded before sighing and rubbing his eye. He was at a loss for how to handle a spy that was protected on all fronts. It was clear that sending another batch of agents would just be a waste.

“You two are dismissed for the night.” Fury said and Coulson looked as if he wanted to argue however one look from Fury had him nodding his head as he walked out the door with Hill who didn’t question him.

“You know I have you in these meetings to help provide answers to problems, not lurk in the shadows.” Fury said as Barton emerged from the corner he’s been watching the interactions from.

He slowly sat down in the chair Hill just occupied. Barton was S.H.I.E.L.D’s most successful black ops agent. Fury kept his face in check as he observed Barton.

“Don’t give me that look you already know how you want to handle the situation,” Barton said and Fury laughed.

“A whole group of people anyone can see coming from a mile away, an assassin that good would see it from a world away.” Fury said.

“But one man might be a different story,” Barton said, finishing his trail of thoughts.

“We don’t know where she’s going just yet however if she does have back up like Hill claims then they might see you coming.” Fury said and Barton nodded his head.

“Good thing we both shot from afar,” Barton said.

“I’m afraid there’s not much I can give you about your next target except a code name.” Fury said and Barton nodded his head.

“And what’s that?” Barton asked, raising an eyebrow, kids these days came up with more and more interesting names. 

Fury slides a thin file of all they had about her to Barton. On the cover, it read in bold red wording classified. When Barton picked it up he flipped open the first page.

“Black Widow.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys exciting news we are almost finished the last of the origin section in this story! I know last week I said that this would be the last chapter of it however I was looking through the chapter and decided to split it in half. As for the second half instead of updating the next Wednesday I plan to post it sometime on Friday so that next Wednesday we will start heading into the mcu plot line. Alright well that's it I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! (Also warning there is torture in this chapter.)

_ 2007  _

Natalia’s mission had been simple, or at least that’s what she thought it would have been. Break in, steal a file or two, get out. Entering was always the same at this point in her career it was a simple equation she just needed to know who the variables were. 

A questioning elder who has never seen her around before, she just politely smiles and says she’s dropping off her boyfriend’s suitcase. A desk clerk who says he doesn’t see her name on the lists. Most could be won over by a smile, the harder ones she had to sneakily undo a button or two.

This time it was nothing, she simply was able to walk in and find the room that held the files on S.H.I.E.L.D. she was looking for. As it turns out companies in Russia were turning on the KGB in favor of the S.H.I.E.L.D. and well the KGB had to send a reminder on who they should be loyal to.

When the door closed however Natalia felt shivers run down her spine as the whole room filled with a gas. Her first instinct was to go to the door, however, within a second she already knew that wouldn’t work.

She looked for a window or vent; she knew that her time was limited. Natalia could already feel her bones begin to tire. She quickly ran to the window and threw a chair at it. The glass didn’t so much as crack.

By this point, Natalia's eyes started to drop and vision began to blur. She didn’t even feel her body drop to the floor, but suddenly all she could make out were parade heels and she felt herself groan and look up however only to be met with darkness.

.

.

.

“Soldier.”

“Ready to comply.” A soulless voice answer. The laboratory was empty except for only a couple of scientists that watched in amazement at just a couple simple words and the Winter Soldier was completely ready for duty.

“Your next assignment will be in Russia.” The doctor said and the Winter Soldier said nothing waiting for the rest.

“You will be ready in 20 minutes to be flown in.” He added.

“Targets name.” The Winter Soldier stated.

“Irene Petrov.”

The Winter Soldier was sent back to his cage to pack suitably. When he went to pull out his guns a piece of paper dropped to the floor. In English, it said  _ under the desk _ . There was no signature however the Winter Soldier knew it was his own.

Putting the gun down on his bed he walked over to where his wooden desk was and when he reached his hand under it he found something tapped to the bottom. Then yanked it out from under there and was left staring at a tiny burner phone.

He stared at before turning it on; the first thing that appeared was a short voice recording which he hit play.

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.” _

The Winter Soldier felt a burning pain in his mind as he listened to that voice over and over again when he started to remember something else he had kept hidden. There was a journal hidden in the vents. The Winter Soldier rushed to it knowing that he was running out of time.

The first couple of pages were just the same thing written over and over again,

Red.

The Winter Soldier blinked as the voice played again, suddenly a flashback of Switzerland came back to him and he remembered the women with red hair, he remembered her being his equal on the battlefield. 

But there was more to that, he remembered her at other times he remembered looking down at her as she was beaten and bruised and wondering if she was going to get back up.

Next, he remembered her sweeping him off his feet as she came at him like a wolf hunting its prey. He remembers never once having that feeling that he was the prey in a situation. This time he watched as she stood above him exclaiming in victory, an easy smile fell to his lips.

He remembered her red hair against the snow as she laughed at something he said. When he pushed even deeper in his mind he remembers holding her in bed at night tracing her body trying to memorize it.

Then there was another burning sensation in his head that made him dig his hands in his head as he fell to the floor.

_ “I want you to promise me something.” The Winter Soldier could hear himself say. _

__

_ “I want you to promise me that if you ever get the chance to get out of here take it, even if it means leaving me behind. I want you to live, you need to forget about me and run like hell.” The other him said. The Winter Soldier couldn’t quite make out what she had said he only watched the storm of emotions dance in her eyes and he could feel the love in them. _

__

_ He knew that he had been compromised; he had fallen in love with a spy. He also knew that if he had something to love, it might have something to lose. He couldn’t live with himself if something were to happen to her, he needed her to live. _

__

_ “Comrade please.” She spoke softly, the Winter Soldier closed his eyes trying to memorize how that voice sounded. _

__

_ “Promise me, Natalia.” _

__

He was snapped out of whatever the hell that had been. The Winter Soldier blinked trying to grasp onto reality. He slowly started to sit up again to process what he just saw. His hands quickly found a pen as he began writing in the journal about the new memory.

He flipped through a couple of pages previously and his head started to hurt when he read about a tiny man always getting in a fight. The Winter Soldier raised his eyebrows at this before turning another page, this time it was about the women he’d been dreaming about.

__

“Natalia.” He muttered to himself liking the way the name sounded. Not quite sure of what it meant however he slowly put everything back in the spot he had found it earlier knowing that they could do another mind swipe when he got back. 

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.

.

“Wake up.” There was a screech and a burning sensation against Natalia’s cheek. Natalia could feel the blood starting to drip down her face from where nails had clawed into her skin.

Natalia blinked trying to regain her vision. She sensed the situation around her before she opened her eyes. She was in a chair with her hands and legs tied down to it. Much to her displeasure, it was a metal chair. Whoever was holding her knew she would be able to get out of a wooden chair with ease.

It was the Prada shoes and Chanel perfume that gave it away however the motive didn’t make sense. As Natalia opened her eyes she wasn’t surprised when the aging face of Madam Irene greeted her.

Since Natalia became a part of the KGB her visits and any information she’d heard about from the Red Room had been kept at a minimum. Madam Irene’s brittle hair was kept in its tight bun however it appeared disheveled. Her classic uniform of a tight pencil skirt and blouse was wrinkled.

She looked old and Natalia wondered how old she really was, and more importantly why she brought her here. Madam Irene’s ice blue eyes look frantic and as she stared at Natalia she could feel a deep sense of hatred embedded in it.  _ What had happened?  _ Natalia thought to herself as her once cool and composed mentor stared at her as if she was the devil.

Natalia would have scoffed at that thought. She knew she wasn’t a complete victim however she was well aware that it was either survive in the Red Room or die on the street. There was only one way to survive in the Red Room.

“Ah, so I see that our little spy has finally woken up.” Madam Irene spoke, her tone of voice was stone cold. Natalia’s face was roughly grabbed and inspected.

“Shame it seems as if the serum is starting to kick in already.” Madam Irene before slapping Natalia in the face. Natalia’s face flew the other way and she could feel the bruise starting to form.

“It’s such a shame, you were supposed to be perfection, where did I go wrong?” Madam Irene said and Natalia tried to find a motive for her former headmistress to kidnap her.

“You were supposed to be made of marble Natalia, I taught you better, you were supposed to be better.” Madam Irene said backhanding her. Natalia winced; Madam Irene wasn’t against keeping her rings on in a fight.

With every slap Natalia could feel the rings dig into her skin, the healing process had already kicked in much to Madam Irene’s disappointment.

“You ruined my career, I had everything but you took that all away because you had to go out and fall in love with a machine!” Madam Irene cried out shoving Natalia.   


She groaned as her chair flipped backward from the sudden movement. Her head slammed against the concert and her eyes went black, she couldn’t see or hear anything. She tried blinking but slowly her vision came back along with a pounding headache.

“Get her up, I want to see her hurt.” Madam Irene said and suddenly two strong arms picked her up on each side and grabbed her out of the chair. Vaguely she could hear the sound of ice going into water and her vision started to clear so she could see a large tub. She struggled against him but it was no use as he roughly shoved her down on her knees.

Natalia’s vision started to come back and all she saw was a reflection of herself before being shoved into the freezing water.

Natalia felt the burn in her lungs for oxygen and she could feel her head being yanked back up again. She gasped for air and caught the cold gaze of Madam Irene before being dunked underneath again.

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“Marble Natalia, not glass.” She said, delivering another blow to Natalia’s side. Her pointed heels packed quite the punch as she beat Natalia who was chained down. Natalia could only guess that she’d been kept prisoner here for less than a week.

“You ruined my career when the KGB found out that you tarnished their perfect soldier and they wanted my head for it. They kicked me out of my home and I became an outcast to society. My work stripped away from me.” She screamed and she kicked Natalia again.

“But no, they couldn’t punish you, you were too valuable, broken or not they told me. Then they proceed to tell me that I was the cause for your failures as they cast me out.” Madam Irene finished.

Natalia felt herself cough up blood; she spat it at Madam Irene’s feet. She refused to cry out in pain, she refused to let Madam Irene have that satisfaction. Instead, Natalia glared up at her.

Natalia felt a burning anger like she did once as a child dancing until her feet bleed. The only way she could fall asleep at night was to say a list of names of her enemies. Her green eyes met stone blue ones of Madam Irene, the first person she named every night. She vowed that she would kill this woman for all that she had done to not just Natalia but for James as well.

She wanted nothing more than to follow through with that promise. Madam Irene looked at her in disgust before slapping her again, however Natalia expected that and with whatever energy she had left clamped down on Madam Irene’s hand with her mouth and bit down until the metallic taste of blood filled her senses.

She gasped in pain as Natalia bit down. She could feel Madam Irene’s blood drip down her mouth painting her lips as she bites down harder. Madam Irene’s scream motivates her to clench her jaw as she hears a satisfying crack. She looks into her stone blue eyes hoping she understands that this is only the beginning of the amount of pain that Natalia will cause her. 

Her monster of a bodyguard came in quickly at the sound of his name being called and yanked Natalia's mouth off his master's hand. 

She cradled her hand glaring at Natalia as if she was some kind of animal and Natalia was sure she looked like it. She’s sure her lips were painted red and Natalia smiled up at her with such deep hatred that Madam Irene froze.

“Alexi.” Madam Irene called out as her bodyguard stood in front of her waiting for a command. 

“I think Natalia needs another bath, she seems to be making quite the mess.” Madam Irene spoke softly. She had gone deathly pale and was trying to regain control.

Natalia was yanked up off the floor and she didn’t resist. She needed to save her strength; the food quantity here wasn’t exactly three times a day. Most of the time she was lucky to be fed once a day.

She knew they were doing it to decrease her strength so she’d be less of a threat but Natalia was already formulating a plan to escape this place. Before leaving the room Madam Irene’s voice called out.

“Also when she returns since she insists on acting like an animal fit her with a muzzle.” Madam Irene said before walking out of the room.

Alexi was quickly making his way onto Natalia’s list of names as he brought her to the room where they laid a giant tub that was filled with water. Natalia’s head was quickly shoved underneath the water; the burning in her lungs had become familiar.

She was quickly allowed up before gasping for air only to have her head once more shoved under. She struggled trying to get out but her body was too weak. Natalia was put under again and again and she tried to stay conscious however the black dots forming were welcomed as she was shoved under the water again.   


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“Look at you.” Madam Irene said walking into Natalia’s holding cell. Natalia was lying down on the concert floor. She looked up at her with a burning hatred.

“Oh my, I see you're enjoying your muzzle.” She said as she reached to grab Natalia’s face. Natalia had the satisfaction to see that she did damage to her former headmistress hand.

Natalia had lost count of the days that she’d been here. The constant torture had weakened her body to the point where even the serum couldn’t help with the damage that was being done.

“You know that when they first told me that they suspected that the Winter Soldiers programming may be a risk because of you I laughed and told them that you were perfect, you were marble. You were the Black Widow.” Madam Irene said and Natalia kept her face neutral as she listened.

“It took months before I was convinced everyone took me to be a fool, they called me weak and that my bias was blinding me from the truth. After all the work I’ve done in the Red Room, they kicked me out and gave the position to someone with a better handle on emotions.” She continued.

“Was it worth it Natalia? Do you think your beloved soldier would still love you if he saw everything you’ve done for the past 4 years?” She asked and Natalia froze.

“I’ve seen your record Natalia, it’s quite impressive I’ll give you that. How many people have died at your hands, hundreds? No, it’s more like thousands. Your bleeding red Natalia it’s a wonder how you’re still breathing.” Madam Irene said petting Natalia’s hair like she used to do when Natalia was a child.

“You were the perfect Black Widow until you had to fall in love with a monster no better than yourself, tell me something Natalia what was it that drew you to him? Did he force himself on you? Did you grow to love the beast?” She asked and Natalia tried to keep all of the anger off her face, this was her game. Madam Irene wanted to see her break.

“You lived together for a year. I wonder if you thought that things were going to stay that way? Did you truly think a soldier like that would leave it all behind for what? Did you truly think that it loved you? Natalia, a machine like that can’t feel. It just had desires which I’m sure you allowed for it to walk all over you.” She said cruelly. She smirked as she watched Natalia flinch at her words. 

“You were in love weren’t you?” She said and Natalia felt old wounds reopen, the box that she’d buried deep down was starting to resurface and Natalia wasn’t sure she had the strength to push it back down.

“Oh Natalia, the first lesson you were ever taught in the Red Room was that love makes you weak, maybe you need a reminder of those lessons.” Madam Irene said with a smirk before hitting Natalia over the head with her gun.

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Natalia’s whole body was scourging. She screamed and cried out in pain as she felt as if her body was burning from the inside out. Sweat drained out from every part in her body and the lights felt as if they were going to blind her. She was tied to an examination table and the coolness of the metal on her skin felt like it was the only thing keeping her alive.

“How much did you give her?” She could hear someone ask.

“Just enough to make it hurt. She’ll be like this for hours.” She could hear someone else say.

Natalia closed her eyes as she let a single tear fall from her face. All she saw was herself covered in blood; her hands covered in it as if it was soaked into her skin. She tried to rub them against the table trying to get the red off her skin. 

She tried closing her eyes. Her heartbeat was the only thing she could hear as it rang out in her ears. She tried to scream but slowly darkness took over. 

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“Hey Red.” She could hear a voice call out. She refused to open her eyes. It was a trick she knew. Natalia felt light as if nothing was holding her down. She moved her fingers and was surprised to feel her wrist free from the shackles. Slowly a cool hand touched her burning head and she couldn’t help but lean into it. 

“Wake up.” The voice said and slowly she opened her eyes, blinded by the light hanging over her. Slowly she looked around and James' warm face came into the picture. 

“James.” She gasped looking at him in utter shock. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked him to reach out to touch him only he moved away. 

“Why did you leave me Natalia?” James called out rage poured through him as she whimpered. 

“I didn’t want to, there was no other choice.” She called out sobbing as he turned away from her. She tried to reach out to him but he was always untouchable. 

“You selfish little bitch, how many men have you fucked since me.” He called out his face was cruel as he smiled down at her. She froze looking up at him. 

“This isn’t you.” She called out and his eyes shifted. 

“No this is what you made me, you turned me into a monster just so you could sleep around with as many men as you liked.” He said coming closer to her. He grabbed her by the hair yanking her up off the ground. Slowly his human hand touched her face. She flinched. 

“Your bleeding red Natalia, who could ever want a dirty little whore like you?” He asked her as his metal hand dug into her head and she cried out in pain as blood dripped from her where he clawed into her head. 

“But I’m not the only one, look around you Natalia look at all you’ve done.” James shouted as he placed her on her knees and she looked around at all the faces she killed. Her eyes widened as mangled child half burned to death stared at her. People bleeding with bullet holes in their faces and cut throats. 

“Look at all you’ve done, do you really think I could have ever loved you?” He whispered in her ear before shoving her to the ground. Her vision was filled with her victims as they all surrounded her. Slowly they appeared to get closer and closer, there was nowhere for her to run. 

She screamed as they started touching her. The child came up drenching her in gasoline before lighting a flame and another came up with a knife. Flames surrounded her vision as each one of her victims passed through her, she felt each and everyone of their death. 

She struggled to breathe, everything in her told her to give up, surrender and die the way she's killed. She was lying on the ground begging for everything to stop. Slowly she looked up and a pair of icy blue eyes met hers. His eyes showed disgust as he watched her suffer. 

No this wasn’t her James, he was never this cruel. She tried to reach out only to be pulled back and have a gun put to her head. Her feet yanked back to the horde of people that she had killed. She reached out her hand and he only laughed as slowly everything went dark. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright Happy Friday guys I hope you enjoy this last chapter of the origin story before we move on and head into the mcu. Let me know what you guys think!

_ Brick by Brick _

__

Natalia opened her beaten eyes. She looked down at her body and winced, as all she saw was black and blue. Her ribs were becoming more apparent each day. 

Natalia grimaced at the sight of her ribs, some didn’t look right. She lifted her body and the chains clicked against the ground. She needed to get out of here and she needed a plan. With what little alone time they were giving her she looked for anything that she could use as a weapon or to help break her loose.

Natalia's eyes scanned every corner of her prison. They were constantly making her change rooms in order to prevent her from being comfortable. She was also forced to wear a hood whenever they moved her around so she had no clue where she was or where an exist was. 

This room was unlike the other ones. It seemed older the stone floor was uneven and the door looked as if it had seen better days. She wished her chain allowed her to examine the room properly but she was only able to move no more than five feet. She examined the door with her eyes trying to find something. 

If she was stronger she would have been able to break the door with no issues but now she could hardly lift the changes that held her down. Her eyes almost missed it but a rusted screw head was partially sticking out and Natalia lunged for it, only to hear the rattle of the chains as she was pulled back. 

She crawls for it trying to reach out with her hand only for it to come so close. She held back her tears, she had to think. She tried reaching out with her foot and when her toe felt rusted metal she almost cried out. Slowly she was able to wrap her toe around the screw ignoring the pain as it dug into her flesh. 

With any strength left she could muster she gave one final yank before the screw flew right by her face. Natalia quickly snatched the screw with her hand and stared down at it. 

Her eyes went to the door and she listened for anything that could give any indication that someone was coming. Natalia quickened her pace trying to get the shackle to come undone. She shoved the screw under the bolt and with a sickening pop her hand is free for the first time in weeks.

She reached up to free her face from that damn muzzle and it slid down her face to the ground. Natalia took a deep breath of the air around her enjoying the sliver of freedom. Natalia traced the bruises on her wrist and ankles wondering if they would leave a permanent mark. Her peace was interrupted by the sound of the door unlocking and Natalia shot up turning to face her next opponent.

She watched as Alexi’s eyes widened at the sight of her free, however Natalia only smirked, she was tired of being the one beaten constantly. With all the energy she had, she ran at Alexi.

Using his slowness to her advantage she jumped and tackled him. He moved his arms around trying to get her off of him. Natalia wrapped her hands around his head and she dug her thumbs into his eyes and smiled as he wailed in pain. Blood was pouring out of his eyes but she wanted to hear him scream louder as she pushed harder hearing a satisfying crack. 

Her enjoyment only lasted so long as one of his pinned arms came free and punched her in the ribs. The blow sent her flying off him however the damage was already done. Alexi was crying out grasping his eyes unable to see. Natalia could feel the pain engulf through her however all she could do was see red. Her hands were covered in his blood and Natalia couldn’t help the smile that crossed her face as she stared down at the man who tortured her for weeks. 

However as she stalked towards her blinded prey Natalia knew that she was running short on time 

Slowly she strode to her blinded prey and picked up a fallen knife of the ground. She looked at her reflection in it and shivered. Natalia could hardly recognize herself anymore. Her blooded hands smeared the shiny blade. She walked up to the man in agony and she brought the knife down creating a cut from ear to ear and watching him bleed. It was a quick death, more than deserved but he wasn’t the one who she was here for. His body stilled beneath and slowly the blood stopped flowing to the injury. Natalia searched Alexis' body for any weapons she could find before walking out of her cell. 

_ Brick by brick. _

__

She reminded herself as she searched for Madam Irene, she repeated her name every night before she went to sleep. It was finally time to check a name off a list. The hallways were emptied which led Natalia to believe that the only people in the facility were Alexi and Madam Irene.

Natalia smirked as she walked down the poorly lit hallways. She had been starved, beaten, and drugged but now, now she was angry. With everything already taken away from her she had nothing left to lose.

A list of names circulated in her head and she repeated each one bringing her closer to that door and she kicked it open forgetting all the grace and poise she had been taught in the Red Room.

Madam Irene looked shocked to see her out and before she could say anything Natalia was they’re knocking her head down against the desk. She put a knife through her hand when she tried to reach for a gun under the desk. 

“You don’t deserve a quick death,” Natalia said, grabbing a fist full of Madame Irene’s hair dragging her out of the room. Madam Irene yanked and cried out for help as Natalia dragged her to the room she was tortured in. 

Madam Irene’s cries had fallen deaf to Natalia as she grabbed the chains used to hold her down and wrapped them around Madam Irene’s body. The heavyweight on the ends made it impossible for her to sit up as Natalia dropped the woman into the tub she was tortured in. Natalia grabbed her feet and tied her to the tub faucet and turned on the water. Madam Irene pleaded with Natalia to let her go however Natalia was long past forgiveness.

“Madam Irene don’t you know I have red in my ledger?” Natalia asked innocently before turning on the second facet to make the water come out quicker.

“Please Natalia.” Madame Irene said panic in her eyes as she watched the tub fill up with water.

“Please Natalia don’t do this!” She cries out in last-minute desperation.

“I’ve known you since you were a child!”

Natalia turned her back away and walked out of the room. She could hear her headmistress screams, as she exited the building. She continued to walk on even after they had fallen silent.

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The Winter Soldier stood in a puddle of water as the corpse of Irene Petrov laid in front of him. He watched the water flow in the overflowing tub where Petrov had been drowned.

He had already found the bodyguard locked up in a cell. The Winter Soldier walked out of the room where Potrov’s body was and went to investigate her office. There was blood on her desk,  _ Sloppy _ , he thought before looking into things further.

He turned to Irene’s computer which was password protected however he was easily able to decode an old ladies computer.

_ Now, why would you have your supposed bodyguard locked in a cell? _

__

The Winter Soldier dug into the security files for this morning. They were in black and white yet he could have sworn he could see the color of red in her hair shine through.

He watched her in all her glory as she took down Irene’s bodyguard and couldn’t help but smirk as she used the techniques he had taught her. The buffoon was taken down within seconds however instead of making a break for it he watched as Natalia smiled at the camera making her way to the room he was in now.

He looked up at the door as if expecting her to appear however shook his head. The Winter Soldier had finished watching the footage on the security camera for that day to see how Natalia dragged Petrov down the hall and drowned her.

However, what he wasn’t expecting was to see the footage from the last couple of weeks. The Winter Soldier destroyed the laptop and the first site of Natalia’s torture.

“Come in Soldier.” The Winter Soldier’s handler had said into the earpiece. The Winter Soldier ignored it. He crushed the earpiece up before walking out of the room. He only had one mission at the moment and he guaranteed it wasn’t on Hydra’s agenda.

He walks right out to the exit and followed the trail of blood knowing exactly where it will lead him. 

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Luckily for Natalia, Madam Irene kept most of her money in cash. Natalia was barefoot and bruised to the point where purple looked like her natural skin color. She winced as people stared at her giving worried glances.

If she wanted to make it to a motel she needed to hide her face. She quickly found herself in a thrift store where she was easily able to buy a pair of dark sunglasses and a plain baseball hat.

Natalia sighed looking at her shoe options, there wasn’t much to pick from. She longed for the comfort of her black boots however instead just picked the simple black converse.

The cashier gave her a strange look but as expected didn’t ask any questions as she paid in cash. Natalia hastily put on the hat and glasses before leaving the store. Now that she didn’t have to worry about the odd looks being held as she mapped out her next move.

Natalia knew that she needed to find a place to rest so she could let the serum take over and help heal her body. Her stomach growled in hunger however Natalia had been starved enough in life to know that she needed to play the food card carefully.

She approached a fruit stand and she froze. Plums and strawberries were next to each other, almost taunting her. She could hear the lady at the stand ask her something but all Natalia could see was the last day she had with the Winter Soldier.

She let that box open and images flooded in. Natalia thought of the rooftop in Switzerland and she thought about the dreaded what ifs. She imagined where they could be now, maybe they moved away from Russia and Romania; they always had fun in France together.

She remembered the way they held each other on the hill, how peaceful it was back then. The only thing they feared was discovery. She thought about how much progress they've made together. They started a routine and as simple and silly as it sounded it meant the world to Natalia.

Coming back out of her thoughts she tensed as she felt someone’s hand on her back. A voice snapped her out of it and her eyes were trained on a sharp jawline that she’d know from anywhere.

Her eyes widened as the box came flooding open. It’s been four years since she last saw him, even longer since she last saw his face. Natalia was in a state of pure shock that anything she was thinking just stopped. All she could do was just stare.

At first glance, he looked exactly the same, strong jawline, icy blue eyes with long eyelashes, and hair that almost always seemed to find its way into his eyes. Natalia almost convinced herself that this was a dream if not for the metal arm grabbing a hold of her waist to keep her from running.

“I’m sorry about my wife. She's always half-dead if she doesn’t get her coffee in the morning, she’ll have a couple of strawberries.” He said not even looking at her. Natalia was tense as the elderly women nodded in sympathy at Natalia before grabbing a couple of strawberries.

The Winter Soldier paid for them like James used to whenever they went out. He always insisted that she shouldn’t pay on their dates. Natalia would roll her eyes and call him an American under her breath. She always found ways to pay him back.

He squeezed her back and Natalia smiled at the vendor and took the strawberries. She cursed at herself for not finding a hideout quicker. His hand never left her back as he guided her to the outskirts of town. She was trapped; there was no way to get away without causing a scene for both of them. She couldn’t outrun or fight her way out of this situation, not with her injuries.

He hadn’t killed her yet; in fact, he hasn’t so much as looked at her. He kept his face straight and his eyes constantly looking over his shoulder. They kept at a normal pace to blend in with the people around them.

No one paid them any mind as they made their way to a surprising decent looking hotel away from most things. However, as Natalia was forced to walk beside her he grabbed her arm but as she looked over her shoulder she saw a man on the rooftop.

He had a black hood covering most of his face and Natalia couldn’t help but stare at him in suspicion. James' metal hand locked tightly onto her arm that she yelped, bringing her out of her trace with the stranger on the roof. She turned back to see that he was gone and Natalia thought it was just a figment of her imagination.

Suddenly she was being shoved into the dark motel room. Natalia winced as the bright lights were turned on. For the longest time, they just stared at each other.

Natalia had no clue what to say to him, he was the Winter Soldier probably here to kill her. She needed to find a way out of this situation; she needed a plan to escape. She looked at the door, which was currently being blocked off by her captor. Her eyes scanned the rest of the room and her eyes landed on the windows.

“The windows won’t open.” He said, almost sounding bored. Natalia winced at the sound of his voice; it was empty of any sort of emotion her mind went back to the room and she wondered if this was all another hallucinogenic. She shook her head, this had to be real, she couldn’t take another failure. 

“So how long are you going to keep me here? Or am I leaving in a body bag?” Natalia asked, wincing at how her voice cracked.

“Take off your hat and glasses.” The Winter Soldier said ignoring her question. Natalia complied, keeping them at her side.

“Happy?” She asked. His icy blue eyes never left her face and Natalia wished she could figure out what was going on in his head.

“You have a ten-minute shower, if you try anything I will come in, if you are still in there until after ten minutes I will come in do you understand?” He asked and she was confused.

“What?” She asked and he raised an eyebrow before shaking his head and roughly pulling her to the bathroom. He tossed her in there and yanked the door closed.

“Ten minutes.” He said the door between them muffled his voice. Dazed and confused Natalia didn’t quite know what to make of his strange behavior. However, this was the first time she’d been allowed to shower since she was kidnapped.

She didn’t even bother to lock the door. Natalia knew that it wouldn’t be a simple lock on the door that kept him from her. She’s seen him rip a door off its hinges with his human arm alone. She decided it was best to just take whatever time she got.

She stripped quickly, wincing as she pulled her tank top above her head. She didn’t even spare herself a look in the mirror before hopping into the semi-warm shower. She held back a moan as lukewarm water touched her skin.

She cleaned every inch of her body with the soap that was provided. She scrubbed the skin so much that there were red marks from wherever she rubbed her skin raw with the soap. Natalia was covered in dirt and blood and her hair desperately needed to be washed.

She scrubbed the shampoo into the roots of her hair and smiled as red natural bright red hair started to appear again. Conditioning her hair felt like a tiny slice of heaven. Her hair didn’t feel as brittle and started to gain it’s smooth texture back.

Sadly she was on a time limit and she turned the shower off. Her body protested missing the warmth already however she bundled her body in a fluffy white towel right as the door to the bathroom opened.

If he was fazed by her body at all he didn’t show it. His gaze never left her face as he held out a long-sleeved shirt. She grabbed his shirt suspicious of what game he was playing at.

“It’s the smallest thing I could find.” He said, shrugging his shoulder, closing the door again. Natalia took a moment to examine her body. While she could still be compared to as a purple blob she could already see some of the purple bruises fading into yellow.

She pulled her jeans on and winced slightly as she pulled the Winter Soldiers shirt over her head. She knew it was his, after all these years she still remembered what he smelled like. She smiled as she played with the sleeve. 

The dark grey shirt was huge on her, however, Natalia reminisced in times when she always would wear his clothing. She closed her eyes breathing in his scent and maybe she could trick her mind into thinking these past couple of years had been a dream.

When she opened her eyes she was standing where she’d stood only a moment ago with the sinking realization that she would never be able to go back and change time.

She pieced herself back together and walked out of the bathroom to where she found him sitting on the edge of the bed tossing around a simple black burner phone in his hand.

He didn’t look up at her, in fact, he did everything to avoid her gaze. When he finally opened the phone Natalia panicked thinking that he was calling his supervisors however what came out of it shocked her.

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.” _

__

“How did you get that?” Natalia asked in her voice laced in panic.

“Switzerland 2004 on a rooftop after I fought you.” He said calmly to her.

“Is that all you remember?” She asked cautiously.

“No.” He said and she took a deep breath. They were silent for the longest time and he finally looked up at her. Natalia shivered under his intense gaze, his ice-blue eyes studying her every move and reaction. 

“James.” Natalia started her heart felt as if it was breaking and when she tried to approach him he shook his head. Natalia stopped and he let out a single pained laugh.

“I didn’t even know that was my name, I barely remember you.” He said and she looked down.

“I have so many blanks to fill in, I’m not even sure what’s real or what’s fake.” He said and she tried to keep her face neutral.

“Why take me?” She asked and he froze his hands gripping the phone. He looked at it before standing up and closing the distance between the two of them. He was so close that Natalia could feel his breath ghosting her skin.

Every bone in her body wanted to close the distance between the two of them; it felt right being close to him. However there was a dangerous look in his eyes that set her on edge. He looked like a caged animal finally finding freedom, Natalia knew that the second someone tried to take that freedom away they would attack.

His hand reached out and out of pure instinct she flinched. Madam Irene’s abuse had done a number on her mind rather than physically. A flash of sadness passed through his eyes and she grabbed his metal hand without thinking. He tensed not expecting that but she held it.

The coldness pressed against her face was refreshing. She guided it to her face before letting go. He slowly moved his hand from her face to her hair; he played with some of the strands in it.

Natalia knew that James loved her hair. He hated any mission where she was forced to wear a wig or anything else that would change her features. When she asked about it he said it was the same as him wearing a mask, they weren’t who they were, they were playing the part of someone else.

“For the past couple of years I’ve tried ways to constantly remember you, I set up plans so that I will always remember you and I write it down in a journal. I can never remember enough though, so much time is missing.” He said and Natalia was quiet. 

“What were you to me?” He asked and Natalia’s gaze softened.

“Your equal.” She said and his hand froze in her hair. His eyes met hers and Natalia thought that his eyes were truly heartbreaking to look at. His hands found her face again and Natalia wished that he ran away with her, that they were never separated.

“How long were you held, hostage?” He asked and her eyes widened.

“Three weeks at least.” She said and he nodded his head. He pulled away from her and Natalia couldn’t help the sinking disappointment she felt. Life could never be that easy.

“You need to run away.” He said and she looked at him strangely.

“What?” She asked, confused.

“Me finding you was a mistake. I should have kept my distance again, they’ll track us and find us again, they’ll know what I’ve done to protect you.” He said and Natalia was so confused

“James, what are you talking about?” Natalia asked but he was shaking his head.

“James.” He muttered to himself and Natalia realized this was the first time he probably relearned his name.

“I was smart, keeping my distance only interfering when I knew you were in danger, I just wanted to keep you safe however when I saw you get tortured and that you were out there somewhere I couldn’t stop myself from finding you.” He said and Natalia turned away from him.

“Natalia please I need to get you somewhere safe.” He said and Natalia knew he was right however she couldn’t find the will to care anymore. She was tired of running from every battle she never liked running alone.

“Come with me.” She said, trying to correct the past. He looked up at her and she knew with a sinking feeling his answer hasn’t changed yet.

“I can’t. If I run away they’ll never leave us alone. You’ll constantly be in danger and I can’t do that to you.” He said and Natalia spun around to look at him.

“James we’ll at least be together!” She shouted and he shook his head.

“I hope that one day you’ll understand that you need to live, I need you to live because that’s the only thing keeping me alive.” He said and Natalia froze about to ask what he was talking about when he rushed to her and before she could even process what was happening she felt something prick her skin and the world went dark.

“Forgive me.” She heard him say as he brushed the hair out of her face.

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.

.

“James.” Natalia gasped waking up. She was in a safe house that she’d never been to before. She was tense and in full attack mode. Her eyes looked over the whole room, she quickly moved knocking over something to the floor that lay next to her. A familiar-looking knife that was once given to her before and a sheet of paper folded in half.

With shaking fingers Natalia opened the note.

_ Natalia, _

__

_ I don’t blame you if you hate me; in fact, I welcome that hatred. I knew you would never leave me alone however I’m asking you, no begging you to forget about me. After this mission, they will search my room and find my tricks as a way to remember you. _

__

_ This will be my second strike of showing signs of emotion making me an imperfect soldier, and they will not be as lenient as they were the last time. Please, Natalia, I beg you to run away and forget about me because I know that I will be forced to forget about you. _

__

_ I fear that the next time we meet we will be on opposite sides of the battlefield and I wish for nothing more than for us to walk away from all this. I shouldn’t want this; it shouldn’t be possible however they never factored a Natalia Romanova into their calculations. _

__

_ You have been the only one to ever make me feel human and for that, I will be eternally grateful for. Due to this, I can’t bear the thought of them getting their hands on you. If we were to stay together then I know they would have found us. _

__

_ As I watch you sleep peacefully I know you won’t wake till long after I’m gone however I can’t help but wish that we were in another life. One where I could be the man you needed me to be and not the perfect soldier, the man who would have run away with you without a second thought. _

__

_ However as you are well aware of sadly we don’t live in a world with happily ever after, however you can still run away and be safe. I belong to you there is no one else in this whole world that could fill the hole left by you, and that is why the memory wipes keep failing. I’m in love with you and they will never be able to truly get rid of it. So maybe I feel that if you are still alive and breathing then my human side will still be alive as well. _

__

_ And because I think I love you, it sounds crazy right, loving a complete and total stranger? I don’t remember everything about our history together but I remember that you were important to me and that you were important enough to force myself to remember you over and over again. _

__

_ Every time they wiped my memory I would find myself lying on the cold tile floor with a terrible pain in my head trying to remember you. Every time I wonder to myself is it worth it but then I get a flash of your face and I know that I need to remember you. _

__

_ Because of these feelings, I need to protect you from what I am about to become. I won’t let you be a part of the monster they are making me. I won’t let them do the same thing to you. I want you to live Natalia. _

__

__

_ James _

__

__

Natalia felt the tears fall as they dripped over the paper smuggling some of the words. She picked up the knife that once symbolized hope that was now destroyed. They weren’t just going to take his memories away, they were going to put him on ice.

Natalia couldn’t hold back her tears as they poured down her face. She couldn’t bear to be stuck in this room anymore so she ran. She bolted out the door without even a place in mind.

It was pouring rain and the knife was digging into her flesh however she was numb to the whole world, everything was dull to the pain she was experiencing. When she finally found herself in the middle of the park Natalia dropped to the ground. She sobbed his name trying to call out for him only to know that he was already long gone.

She stayed frozen on the ground clutching the letter and a knife That was how he found her. She recognized him from the roof; she knew he’d been following her. His hood was down letting his short brown hair show.

He was equipped with a bow and arrow and Natalia knew exactly what he was here for. However Natalia couldn’t feel anything, something inside her was completely broken. All she could see was icy blue eyes that when a pair of dark blue eyes came into vision she barely registered it. Natalia found herself staring into his eyes for the longest time and she watched as something changed in them.

She watched him shake his head and pried the knife digging into her flesh out of her hands.

“My name is Clint Barton I come from S.H.I.E.L.D.” He said and Natalia looked at him dressed in all black, he was holding a bow and arrow.

“You’re here to kill me,” Natalia stated. They both knew the truth of why he was here. She’d been avoiding these guys for a long time however it seems like her luck finally ran out.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said and Natalia almost scoffed what other damage could he do that she didn’t feel right now.

“What’s your name?” He asked, bending down to the ground. She didn’t say anything just stared blankly at him.

“Look kid we can stay here as long as you want to let you mop over whatever it is that’s caused this or we can do something about it. It’s your choice but just know that I won’t wait forever because I know that I need to get back up when things get hard.” He said and Natalia stared at him. He sighed standing back up and turning around.

_ I want you to live. _ Natalia realized that this man was right. There was nothing left for her here. She looked at the man’s retreating figure and sighed.

“Natalia Romanova.” She said and he turned around to look back at her. With caution, he approached her and when Natalia thought he was going to place her in chains, instead he offered her his hand.

“Why are you helping me? You were assigned to kill me?” She asked, staring at him in the eyes.

“We all do things we don’t want to do. You aren’t a killer by choice.” He said and offered his hand again to help her up.

This time Natalia took it. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I can't believe how far we are already in this story! I know we might be only on chapter 8 but I can't wait to share the rest of what I have written. Well we are officially going into the mcu so we will for the most part follow the same timeline however I added in a couple of my own details that I thought would be cool. Anyway I hope you guys enjoy.

_ 2009 _

__

Natasha felt warm and something heavy on half of her body. She discreetly moved some of her fingers to try and get a sense of where she was. She could vaguely hear someone shuffling around the room and she tensed up.

“Did anyone ever tell you you're horrible at fake sleeping?” Clint stated and Natasha relaxed instantly.

“That bad?” She asked before coughing, her voice was completely cracked and when she opened her eyes familiar-looking fluorescent lights were there to blind her. She closed her eyes quickly, wincing at the light.

“No, I just know you.” He said and Natalia smiled and let out a painful laugh. Clint handed her a cup of water and she nodded her head in thanks. She winced at how sore her throat was as she swallowed the cool water.

Clint took something out of his pocket and handed it to her. She raised an eyebrow at him and he just shrugged his shoulders. Natasha took the piece of paper that was folded closed and laughed as she opened in.

The piece of paper held a get-well card with a bunch of, well it looked like wolves on it. She smiled at the red-colored wolf sitting next to a pack filled with brown ones. Scribbled at the top was ‘Get Well Auntie Nat!’

Natasha smiled and knew that Laura had helped with the spelling. She looked at the bottom of the page and she smirked at the little L.B. signature.

“The kids overheard Laura and I talking about visiting you and Lila wanted to make you something,” Clint said and Natasha smiled. It would be another one to add to the collection on her fridge.

“Tell her I said thank you,” Natasha said as she ran her fingers over the drawing. Lila always loved drawing Natasha pictures of wolves and in return, Natasha would tell her stories about how important it was to remain in a pack, no matter what.

“Or you could tell her yourself, being that you might be out of commission for a while,” Clint suggested and Natasha was about to disagree when she realized that there was a reason she was in a hospital. Suddenly her memories came flooding back in about why she was the patient instead of the visitor.

“The engineer?” Natasha asked with a flitting hope that she had been wrong. Clint shook his head and Natasha took a deep breath, it was with a sinking realization that her past has come back to haunt her.

Her mind went down a path that was left untouched for two years until now. She wondered if he recognized her. She was still alive so that had to mean something right? She could hear Clint talking to her but couldn’t pay attention to anything he was saying.

Natasha needed to get out of here, she needed to find him. He recognized her, he knew who she was. Natasha flipped over the covers not even paying attention to the fact that she was only wearing a hospital gown.

However, when she got up her side burst into pain and she groaned feeling the stitches tear.

“Hey, hey, take it easy Nat what’s going on you’re on bed rest,” Clint said and Natasha shook her head.

“I need to find him.” She said and Clint gave her a confused look.

“Him? Who are you talking about Nat? You're not supposed to be up and moving.” He said trying to put Natasha back into bed however couldn’t stop where her train of thoughts had gone; maybe she’d given up too quickly the last time she went searching for him.

“Natasha,” Clint said, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her slightly. Natasha looked at him and for a second saw how worried he was.

“I’m sorry.” She said and he just nodded before helping her get back onto the bed.

“Are you going to explain to me what happened? First I heard from Fury that you had been shot while on a mission and now your hear rambling like a crazy person after being out for almost three days. Now, are you going to explain to me what’s going on or not?” He asked. While he kept his face natural Natasha could hear the concern in his voice.

“Three days?” She exclaimed wanting to jump out of bed again to get moving but Clint’s glare kept her on the bed.

“Yes, and before you ask there’s been no new information on the shooter.” He said and Natasha shook her head.

“You won’t find anything.” She said letting out a painful laugh. Clint looked at her in confusion.

“Do you know something, Nat?” He asked and she shook her head.

“I know who shot me.” She said and his eyes widened.

“Fury could be here any minute if I give him a call, we can focus the search. I need you to tell me what you know,” Clint said already on the phone but Natasha just shook her head and grabbed the phone out of his hand. She could feel the tears start to form as she stared down at the tile floor.

“Natasha, we need to tell Fury this guy bad news and if you know who he is it could help us track him down.” Clint said and Natasha looked up at Clint and he froze. Natasha doesn’t cry but yet here she was almost being torn apart by a secret she’s never spoken to anyone. 

Calming down Clint sat down on the bed next to her just held her as she let it all out. She looked as if all the color had drained from her body and her eyes had dulled.

“Nat you have to tell me what’s going on with you,” Clint stated as he put their foreheads together. Natalia nodded her head.

“You have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone. Promise me, Clint.” She said and despite his training, he nodded his head.

“Do you remember when you found me?” She asked and he nodded his head remembering watching her fall to the ground in the pouring rain. He had no idea what had happened. He thought he almost lost her until he saw her red hair come shooting through the park.

“I wasn’t running away from a kidnapping.” She said and Clint looked like he wanted to argue with her but she held up her hand.

“I was kidnapped by Irene Petrov, my former headmistress in the Red Room and escaped, that much is true. However, when I was in the process of running away someone found me. Most of the intelligence community doesn’t believe he exists, however, those that do call him the Winter Soldier, he’s been credited with over two dozen assignations in the last fifty years.” She said and this time Clint looked over at her.

“Natasha I’ve heard about the tales of the Winter Soldier before. He’s a ghost story, Nat, there’s no proof he even exists. How could he still be alive for so long?” Clint asked and Natasha looked at him.

“They put him on ice and freeze him whenever he’s not on a mission. To make sure he doesn’t form any attachments to others they wipe his memories away after each mission.” Natasha said and Clint looked at her as if she was crazy.

“Clint, remember two years ago when I was brought to S.H.I.E.L.D. and Fury questioned me about the two hits sent on me that were shot by a rifle?” She said and he nodded his head.

“They were Soviet-made completely untraceable.” He said and she saw it when the pieces started to come together.

“How do you know all this?” He asked and Natasha couldn’t look at him as she let the next words escape from her mouth.

“I was his equal.” She said and she could feel Clint’s eyes flash over to her and when she faced him his whole face stayed neutral as he listened to the story of how a spy and a soldier fell in love.

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.

.

_ 2007 _

__

“Now correct me if I’m wrong Barton but you not only ignored my orders to kill but you also brought your mission back here to our base without fully knowing where her loyalties are..” Fury stated.

Natalia had never been to America before. She was fluent in it however noticed that she had a semi accent. After Barton had found her in the park they moved right away realizing that she was still a possible target for other corporations.

“Correct,” Barton said with complete and total confidence in what he believed in. Natalia felt terrible for lying to him however she never lied to him about her new alliance. She was done killing for the KGB; it was time for her to start cleaning her ledger in red. Natalia wasn’t sure how much longer she could take that feeling that sets in whenever she looked in a mirror. All she could see was the dancing flames in her eyes and the sound of screams.

Nick Fury turned his gaze to Natalia as he studied her. Natalia didn’t quite know what to do under his intense gaze, most men in his position wore fancy suits and looked at her as if she were either an object or a weapon.

Nick Fury didn’t even bat his eye; yes one eye, Natalia thought to herself. Nor did he dress in a fancy suit. There was something different about Fury that drew Natalia towards him.

Fury stared at her blankly clearly at a loss of what to do because his number one asset brought home his mission and she wasn’t in a body bag. 

“Miss Romanova, are you well aware that you have been on our radar for quite some time correct?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow, this was a test.

“Yes and I’m also aware of the teams you sent to kill me on every mission except for two, thanks for the break.” She said and Barton shot her a warning look. Natalia ignored him; she wasn’t fully guilty in this situation.

“You lied.” Fury said and Natalia looked at him with a raised eyebrow. She felt Barton tense next to her. Fury pulled out a large folder that was practically bursting and slammed it down next to her. On the cover, bold red words spelling out classified were written.

“This is what we have on you, everyone who we can connect you to now that we know your name and it shows exactly how many teams we sent out to kill you. The ones in Italy and Brazil were killed by a rifle, Soviet-made and completely untraceable.” Fury said as Natalia looked over the photos.

Natalia felt her throat tighten as she looked over at the photos, only one person had this type of weapon. She kept her face completely unfazed at this new evidence. She refused to let another stranger see her break, especially one that’s deciding the pros and cons of keeping her alive.

“Probably just a KGB hitman hired to watch my back, I was their number one asset, they were aware of your organizations going after me. They probably just sent someone so that way S.H.I.E.L.D wouldn’t get in the way.” Natalia said playing it off. Her story made perfect sense and from the looks of it, Fury believed her.

He looked over at Barton and a silent conversation happened between the two of them. Natalia watched as Barton nodded his head the slightest way before getting up.

“Where are you going?” She panicked. He looked at her before looking at Fury.

“I have to go get your paperwork done.” He said and Natalia held his gaze for a second longer before nodding her head. He walked out of the room and with that it was just her and Fury left in his office alone.

“Natalia Romanova.” Fury said and Natalia looked at him weirdly.

“That’s my name, yes.” She said and he shook his head.

“Not anymore your new name will be Natasha Romanoff.” He said and Natalia blinked confused. He held his hand up to silence her.

“You need to cut ties with all your former life, any family or loved ones you will never see again. Agent Barton has decided to vouch for you so all your training will be done through him. You will be watched and monitored for the first couple of months until we deem you loyal. Are we clear?” He asked and Natalia nodded her head.

“Good welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D. Miss Romanoff.” Fury said with a dangerous glint in his eyes and Natalia no Natasha felt as if there was the sound of chains dropping to the ground.

.

.

.

_ “No please don’t,” Natalia screamed as she watched them freeze James. She watched as his icy blue eyes stared at her with no emotion at all as the container around him froze. _

__

_ Everyone around her disappeared as she ran to where James was being kept on ice. She slammed her fists onto the gas trying to break him out. She screamed to the point where she couldn’t even recognize her voice anymore. _

__

_ Her hands were beaten raw as blows sparred all across the glass as she tried to break him free. With one last punch to the, she was able to break it open. Not caring that her hands were freezing she pried the doors open. _

__

_ “Your bleeding red Natalia it’s a wonder you're still alive.” She heard Madam Irene tell her as she stared down as her hands as the blood dripped from them. Everywhere she looked there was red and Natalia screamed clutching her head as her victims approached her surrounding her.  _

__

_ All she needed to do was get to him nothing else mattered anymore. She could feel herself shiver as the coldness touched her skin and when the doors opened she blinked in confusion, as there was nothing there. _

__

_ Natalia turned around only to see him standing behind her. Natalia at first felt a sense of relief wash over her until she saw the gun he had aiming directly at her. She called out to him trying to break through to him however it was too late. _

__

Natasha jumped out of bed. She was gasping for air as she claws out under the covers finding it much too hot for her. She was shaking at her nightmare and shivered at the thought of James holding a gun to her.

Natasha’s never one to have dreams however for the past month since she’s joined S.H.I.E.L.D all she could do was dream about him. Natasha needed to get out of this room and escape. She wrapped herself in a thick black blanket and headed up to the only place she knew would give her the privacy she needed.

The roof overlooked all of New York and the sights of cars passing late at night brought Natasha comfort. When she looked up at the night sky no stars were shining through due to the pollution however that didn’t bother Natasha.

Ever since she came to S.H.I.E.LD. Natasha’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop. She never unpacked her things and isolated herself away from everyone, well almost everyone.

Clint Barton aka Hawkeye has been babysitting her ever since she started training with S.H.I.E.LD. While Natasha hasn’t been allowed on any missions she has been allowed to train and after taking out several of their field agents Barton finally left his nest and joined her in the ring.

“Are you always so incredibly vicious when fighting?” He asked her. Natasha watched his every move waiting to see what he’d do. After a couple of seconds when it was clear he wouldn’t make the first move she attacked.

He was faster and stronger than the other agents she’d gone through. However, she shouldn’t be surprised by everything she’s read about him in whatever files she could get.

Natasha had been curious as to why Barton was so persistent to get Fury to allow her to go on missions with him, he barely knew her. She went high and he blocked however he left his legs wide open in the process.

He was good, yes, but she was better. With one fatal blow to the knees, he was down for the count. Natasha was breathing heavily with a light sweat and she took that as a good sign.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” He groaned from the ground. Natasha shook her head and offered him her hand, she remembered being beaten to the ground often, it was never a good feeling. However, when he went to grab it he yanked her down so she was right on the ground next to him.

“I hate you.” She said as the breath was knocked out of her from the impact. Barton started laughing and she stared at him as if he was a crazy person.

“Can’t believe you fell for that one kid, your mentors probably had a stick up their ass the whole time.” He said and Natasha smiled at him even though on the inside a little piece of her broke.

“On most days.” She said and he nodded his head getting up and offering her his hand. She raised an eyebrow at him and he nodded his head. She took his hand and he helped her up.

“Your routine is the same every single day, wake up at the crack of dawn, run a couple thousand miles, and work out till you breakdown, then repeat,” Barton said and Natasha shrugged.

“I have to stay active.” She said casually and Barton looked at her and she knew he could tell she was lying.

“Alright, this time tomorrow I’ll spur with you again since you seemed to have scared everyone else away,” Barton said and Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“And what will make you run away?” She asked and he laughed.

“Nothing your cable of.” He told her to walk out of the room.

The sound of a horn blaring brought Natasha out of her thoughts from earlier this month. She wrapped the blanket around her tighter as she watched the traffic start to slow down a little more as the night grew older.

“Can’t sleep?” She heard a voice from behind her ask. She didn’t jump or throw the knife she had hidden in her blanket. She knew that voice after a month of being at S.H.I.E.L.D.

“No.” She said turning her head slightly to see Barton climb up the steps. He joined her towards the ledge and for the longest time, they sat in silence watching as cars went by.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow.

“About what?” She said and he gave her a knowing look. There weren’t many things in life that threw off Natasha Romanoff however Clint Barton always managed to. She’d only known him for around a month yet he already seemed to understand her as if he’s known her for years.

Natasha stared deeply out into the night and she heard him sigh. She thought he was finally going to give up and leave however what he said next shocked her.

“You know I wasn’t always considered a good guy too, you know that right?” He asked and she looked over at him.

“So is it nightmares or what?” He asked, trying to reach out and help her. Natasha was never big on accepting help however as she looked into Barton’s honest eyes she knew that this may be her only opportunity to let someone in.

“A little bit of both.” She said and he looked relieved that she actually said something to him.

“Alright which topic do I not have to yank your teeth out to get a response for?” He asked and she let out a laugh, she paused, she’d almost forgotten what her real laugh sounded like until now.

“Fury wants me to keep the title Black Widow,” Natasha said and Barton gave her a curious look.

“But you don’t want to keep it.” He said, filling in the information she didn’t tell him. Natasha turned away from him. She thought about her nightmares of all the people she killed for the KGB, she wondered how many were innocent.

“It just doesn’t seem right to try a start fresh with a name dripping red.” She said and he hummed.

“Is that the reason why you don’t want to keep it? Your reputation with the name?” He asked and Natasha nodded her head. She kept her eyes on the passing cars even though she could feel his gaze on her.

“You know a name is only bad if the things associated with it are bad, however luckily for you, you’ve been given the chance to change what the name Black Widow means when people hear it. Would you rather it stay a name that parents tell their children to get them to behave. A name that strikes fear to thousands that stand against it or would you rather it change to a name that others inspire to be like? One that people look up to and say I want to be exactly like Black Widow.” Barton asked and Natasha had no idea what her response would be after hearing all that.

“So you want me to keep the title Black Widow?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Oh no, only you can choose that I’m just telling you that if your reasoning behind changing your name has to do with the fact that the reputation that comes with it is bleeding red doesn’t mean that it can never be changed.” He said and she nodded her head.

Truth be told Natasha wasn’t even sure herself if she even liked Black Widow. The KGB had given her the name after being injected with the serum. It was her last tie to her past. Natasha thought about everything that’s happened to lead her to this point and wondered if she could ever truly start again.

“Alright kid, I don’t know about you but I have a mission tomorrow, well today actually and I need to get some sleep. Don’t stay up late worrying about all this.” Barton said and Natasha finally looked over at him with her decision made.

“Thanks, Barton.” She said and he laughed.

“Clint’s just fine Natasha.” He said walking out the door leavening Natasha alone with her thoughts. She let herself think about James for the first time since she came to S.H.I.E.L.D.

She wondered if he would think she was making the right choice. Natasha thought about where he was now, could it be possible he remembered her? Would she ever see him again? Natasha knew that her best chance at that wouldn’t be to start from the ground up, she needed something that he would know, in case he ever did remember her.

As daylight took over and the city grew louder Natasha left the rooftop with the blanket still hanging over her shoulders. She walked down the steps to get back to her room however ran into Fury along the way.

“Agent Romanoff.” He said nodding his head.

“I’ll keep it.” She said and Fury nodded his head. His gaze swept over her face one last time before walking away wishing her a good day. Natasha let a rare smile take place it seems as if Fury thought she made the right decision as well.

.

.

.

“You’re not pulling back enough,” Clint said sneaking up behind her. She jumped, dropping the bow and arrow completely. He laughed and she glared at him.

“Asshole.” She said. It was around 4 a.m., after six months of being at S.H.I.E.L.D. she would think that she would be able to get a grasp on the fact that Clint was about one out of three people that could sneak up on her.

“Why were you shooting with a bow and arrow?” He asked and she shrugged her shoulders. He raised an eyebrow and took a seat, she sighed. He always did this when she wouldn’t respond to one of his questions.

“I’ve never used one before I guess I just wanted to know if it was like throwing a knife.” She said and he laughed.

“You still feel it.” He said and she looked over at him.

“Feel what?” She asked and he shook his head getting up and walking towards her.

“I’ve been there before Natasha it doesn’t matter if you’re up close with your victim or far away, you still feel every kill.” He said sadly. She looked down at the ground; there was no way for her to escape the nightmares.

“Hey, you need to give yourself time Nat, this process is going to take a long time to recover from.” He said and she let out a bitter laugh.

“I’ve killed thousands Clint, I can’t even remember all their names but I still hear their screams when I close my eyes.” She said and he put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, let's try again.” He said and she shook her head.

“Oh no, I think guns and knives are my things and you can keep your bow and arrow.” She said and he gave her that look and she knew there was no arguing with him. She slowly got back up holding the bow and arrow. She let him guide her throughout the process yet she still couldn’t focus enough to hit the center.

“You're never going to hit the center until you focus.” He said after an hour of practicing with her. The sunlight was starting to fill the room and Natasha’s arm was stiff.

“You're letting your nightmares get the best of you, Natasha. You need to change your mindset about weapons.” Clint said and she nodded her head, she would do anything to silence these nightmares.

He lifted her arm again however instead of telling her to release it when she felt like she had it lined up he told her to wait.

“The heart is an arrow Natasha, it demands to be aimed towards true land.” He said and she felt her body stiffen.

“Think of where you feel at home and then shoot.” He said and all she could think about was a pair of arms around her, in a tiny apartment in Romania. She could think about the metal one wrapping itself a bit too tight around her. What she would do to be back in those arms.

Without even realizing it she had let go. The arrow went soring and found its way, not to the center of the target like she thought it would, but instead, she watched it soar and almost hit Rumlow in the ass.

Clint burst out laughing dropping her arm and she grinned and tried to look a little apologetic when Rumlow came over to yell at them. However, Clint couldn’t keep himself together and was dying on the floor.

When Rumlow finally realized he couldn’t win the argument he threw the arrow down on the ground. Clint picked himself up again wiping a tear away from his eyes.

“Thanks for the backup jackass,” Natasha said and Clint’s face was bright red from laughing so much.

“That was amazing.” He said and she sighed. As it turns out the bow and arrow just weren’t for her. They spared a little since every time Natasha so much as picked up the bow and arrow Rumlow would come over and check on them.

When Clint claimed that he needed food to keep up with her Natasha couldn’t help herself but ask something that’s been bothering her all morning.

“What do you think of Clint?” She asked him, everything in him stiffened. She didn’t expect an answer out of him, not yet anyway.

“Missouri.” He said and she raised an eyebrow wanting to ask what was in Missouri but he didn’t give her the chance. He was already out of the room to the kitchen leaving her standing there in the training room. 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys just giving a heads up so I did a chapter count as to where I’m up to. I have almost 40 chapters written at the moment so I’m expecting to write at least another 5. Before finishing the story so around 45 chapters total. Anyway these next chapters and the past one written is dedicated to Natasha and Clint’s friendship since I truly wish we saw more of it throughout the MCU. Let me know what you guys think I love hearing from you guys!

_ 2008 _

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“Clint, where are we going I thought Fury said that we didn’t seem to have any missions for the rest of the month,” Natasha said as she walked with Clint to his jeep.

“We don’t, however, you need to learn to trust people and that’s never going to happen without help,” Clint said and Natasha froze as he put her only bag filled with everything she owns in the backseat of his car.

“What do you mean?” She asked playing the oblivious card; she knew it wasn’t likely to work on Clint however she was out of options. He didn’t even spare her a glance as he kept packing up his jeep. She watched as all her stuff got buried under his things.

“You haven’t unpacked a thing yet and it’s been over a year since you’ve joined S.H.I.E.L.D.” He stated and she shrugged her shoulders.

“So?” She asked not seeing the big deal.

“Every time you walk into a room you analyze everyone to see who you should take out first and before every meeting you have an escape route planned with several backups.” He said and she was able to maintain composer.

“I’m good at my job, it's hard to turn it off.” She said downplaying it. She refused to act defensibly that would only prove his point.

“Don’t think I don’t know about the off grid account you set up right after Fury let you lose, you're always ready to run at a moment's notice the second that you feel as if you might be in danger.” He said and she couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“I’m prepared.” She said weakly and he shook his head.

“No, you're ready to run when things go bad instead of reaching out to someone. I don’t blame you for that, I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through and I’m not going to pretend that I do. I’m just here to show you that there are other ways to live than constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.” He said and with that last statement, the car was completely packed.

“Look Nat I get it you're scared, but I’m scared too. If you come with me and show me that you trust me enough that wherever my little journey takes us it won’t be somewhere that will harm you then I promise to trust you with something even bigger.” He said and Natasha looked up at him. She only once again saw honesty in his eyes.

She’d joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to start over again. How could she start over if she never stopped running? For the past year, Clint has never given her any reason to doubt or distrust him. She sighed nodding her head as she headed to the passenger seat.

Clint looked relieved and smiled, joining her in the car. With one fluent motion, the car was on and they were off. Natasha felt a panic start to rise as she watched from the mirror as the compound got farther and farther away. She stopped herself from memorizing the path they’d taken to get here.

She needed to learn how to trust. She needed to learn how to move on and stop running. Natasha watched as the trees started to take over her line of vision. She just listened and waited as Clint blared his rock music.

When they finally stopped somewhere the sun had set and Natasha gave Clint a nervous look at the sight of an airport.

“Clint I don’t have my id on me,” Natasha said and Clint shrugged his shoulders.

“It is a S.H.I.E.L.D. private jet, for where we're going you won’t need it.” He said and Natasha only nodded her head, she needed to learn to trust her partner. There was an airplane charted for them ready for lift-off.

Natasha stretched her aching bones from the long car ride and helped Clint unpack the bags out of the back seat. She finally picked up her bag and joined him as they walked to the plane together.

The captain gave a wave to Clint and Clint made his way over to the pilot. Natasha stood back to watch their interactions. It seems as though Clint has known this pilot for a long time and she watched as they smiled and laughed easily.

With a wave of his hand, Clint introduced Natasha to the pilot. She smiled and shook his hand; he was on the older side with shocking white hair. He wished them goodbye and a safe journey. She turned a confused eye to Clint as the pilot then walked off getting in his car and leavening.

“So who's going to fly this thing?” She asked and Clint laughed.

“I am.” He said and she raised an eyebrow saying nothing more, she followed him onto the plane that only held the two of them.

“Any reason why you feel the need to fly this?” She asked and he nodded.

“Where we’re going it needs to remain between us, Clay allows S.H.I.E.LD. or more so me to borrow the plane now and then for missions like this.” He said and Natasha nodded her head as she joined him in the cabin.

“So how long is the flight going to be?” She asked and he gave her a sideways glance.

“What I think I have a right to know at least that.” She asked and he laughed.

“Alright two hours long so get comfortable.” He said and she nodded her head as she watched Clint flip certain buttons and speak into the headset to make sure they were good for take off.

“When did you learn to fly a plane?” She asked and he laughed.

“On a mission when one was crashing down.” He said and Natasha’s eyes widened. She looked over at him to see if he was actually being serious and gulped tightening her seat belt.

“Relax Nat I’ve flown since then, that was just my first time.” He said and she just kind of looked at him oddly. The plane ride was also pretty silent with Clint constantly communicating with the people in the air and Natasha was left alone with her thoughts.

She tried to remember the last person she trusted. She left a ghost smile pain over her face as she let herself drift off to sleep where he was always there to greet her.

_ She was back in their apartment in Romania and the sun was just starting to set. She looked around with a sad smile on her lips as she touched the worn down red sofa. She walked into the kitchen that she’d set on fire several times. _

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_ Her fingers brushed across a burn mark on one of the stoves when she tried to make pasta one night. Natasha watched herself running around trying to put the flames out as James came running in with a fire extinguisher. _

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_ She watched as he put the flames out and when she thought he was going to yell at her he came running to her side asking if she was all right. Natasha’s heart ached as she watched him kiss her forehead talking about how much he loved her. _

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_ The scene changed to a sadder one, the times when either of them would leave on a mission. This time it was James leavening her. Those were the worst ones because even if the mission was successful there was no telling if they would try and wipe his mind afterward. _

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_ She watched as he kissed her one last time. It was a shorter one that left her wanting more however she watched as James touched his forehead to hers. His hands were entangled in her hair and he closed his eyes as if trying to savor this moment. _

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_ Natasha watched herself as she wished him well before completely breaking down when the door shut. She watched herself crumple to the ground holding herself. Those were the times that hurt the most. _

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_ She trusted James with her life and she trusted that he would do everything in his power to bring himself home. James was the only person she ever let in and trusted until now. _

__

“Nat?” Clint asked, calling out her name. Natasha awoke with a start, a hollow feeling forming in her chest. Clint was looking over at her with concerned eyes and Natasha realized that she was crying.

“Fuck.” She said wiping them away.

“Everything alright?” Clint asked and Natasha nodded her head, she was ready to trust Clint however there was something that she wanted to bury. Her ghost was one of them.

Clint wisely chose not to comment or ask anything else as he told her that they would be landing. Natasha watched as the ground got closer and closer. She gripped her seat and closed her eyes. She hated the feeling of falling; she hated putting her fate into the hands of other people.

“You can open your eyes, Nat,” Clint said and she opened them to see that they were starting the process to slow down. They had touched down and Natasha was relieved.

“You really are a control freak.” He said and she laughed hitting him on the head.

“Hey, should you really be doing that to your captain?” He asked and she did it again rolling her eyes. Clint rubbed the back of his head and unbuckled his seat belt. Natasha followed suit and they quickly grabbed their bags.

Natasha looked around to only see a black SUV waiting in a parking spot. Every bone in her body told her to run away however this was all a test. Clint wanted her to try and she owed him a life debt. The least she could do was try to trust him.

The airport they were at was off-grid completely as Natasha looked around to just see trees and hills. She wanted to ask him where they were, however, knew that she needed to be patient with him.

She joined him in the car and they drove off leaving the plane at the airport. Their drive only took about a half-hour and there were only trees as far as the eye could see. A small part of Natasha wondered if he was planning on killing her and hiding her body. She got that thought out of her head instantly, this was Clint he’s had many chances to kill her before but never had before.

Natasha saw the tree start to thin out and they were on a gravel driveway leading to a giant farmhouse. Natasha gave a confused look to Clint who only put the car in park a couple from the house. Natasha could feel the nervous energy surround him and she realized that this journey wasn’t just for her benefit; it was for his as well.

“What I’m about to show you, only two other people in the whole world know about.” He said and Natasha’s eyes widened, nodding her head.

“I’m doing this to show you that you can trust me because I trust you with something more precious to me than my own life,” Clint said and she nodded her head as they stepped out of the car.

The walk up the steps for Natasha felt like a weight being added constantly dragging her down. Clint didn’t even hesitate as he opened the door for her allowing her to walk first.

Her first glance was that it looked like a normal house. She saw toys sprawled out everywhere and her eyes widened as she turned to Clint only to hear stomping and ball energy came flying at Clint.

Clint knelt and picked up the child who just called him dad. She watched as Clint’s face lit up at the sight of his son and when Natasha looked back when she heard even more footsteps coming she turned away from the scene to see a beautiful woman a little older than Natasha holding a little girl.

“Hello, you must be Natasha I’m Laura, Clint’s wife,” Laura said, holding out her hand for Natasha to take. Natasha blinked, pulling herself together and shaking her hand. She blinked several times after that trying to wrap her mind around the situation.

“Fury helped me set this up when I joined S.H.I.E.L.D.” Clint offered some information as background. Natasha watched as Clint walked over to embrace his wife and daughter.

This was the Barton family. Natasha felt a small pain in her chest knowing that she would never be able to have that. Clint looked over at her and she smiled at him nodding her head, he could trust her with his secret.

“Nat this is Lila and Cooper,” Clint said introducing his kids to her. She knelt to take a better look at Cooper. They were both so young and tiny that Natasha was worried that she was going to squish them. Cooper’s eyes widened at the sight of her and he blushed. He held out his hand to her, which she took.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you. Natasha Clint’s told me all about you, it’s nice to have a face to match the name,” Laura said and Natasha smiled.

“It’s nice to know you guys exist,” Natasha said and Clint laughed. Laura smiled at her as she looked down at her daughter. Natasha followed her gaze and smiled softly.

“Would you like to hold her?” Laura asked and Natasha's eyes widened as she looked over at Clint. He just shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head in encouragement.

“Sure,” Natasha said, praying that this baby doesn’t start screaming and crying in her arms. Much to her surprise, Lila rested perfectly in her arms and Natasha felt as if she was carrying the weight of the world.

She held Lila and when her eyes opened to show that deep trusting blue Natasha knew there wasn’t anything in this world that she wouldn’t do for that baby. She watched as Clint interacted with the rest of his family and realized that she not only gained one person to trust in life but four.

When they headed back to New York together after a month of living with the Barton’s she had been given the title as aunt and she adored his children. She watched with sad eyes as they left his secret house in Missouri to head back to work.

Barton talked to her about his kids the whole ride back and what a pain they could be sometimes, however, the look in his eyes showed just how much he loved them. Natasha wondered what that felt like. She wondered what that life would be like, no matter how impossible it was for her to have it.

For now, however, she was content to play the aunt and watch over his children like any aunt would. She fell in love with the Barton family in their time together. When they finally were back in New York and reached the compound Natasha finally unpacked her duffle bag.

She was here to stay.

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_ 2010 _

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“So what are you feeling for dinner tonight?” Barton asked before shooting an arrow straight through someone’s heart. Natasha grimaced as the blood splattered on her face, just a normal day for them.

She turned back to her opponent on the ground and quickly disabled them from moving. She looked around the area to see if there were any more threats. Things were starting to become a routine at S.H.I.E.L.D.

“Were not getting Chinese food again Clint,” Natasha said and he groaned.

“I swear you women plan on killing me, I have one at home and one at work that denies me of Chinese food,” Clint said and Natasha laughed, shaking her head.

“Clint, we've had Chinese food for the past week if I so much as look at another box filled with Kung Pao Chicken I might be sick,” Natasha said and Clint sighed.

“Indian?” He asked and she grimaced.

“Alright, I give up, why don’t we figure it out in the car.” He said and she nodded her head making it back to the car before him. She waited patiently for him by the passenger seat and frowned at her cracked nail.

“Why do you look as if you think you're driving?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow.

“Because it’s my turn.” She said and he shook his head.

“Oh no, no, no, the last time you drove we almost hit at least 12 cars and we even drove under one,” Clint said and Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“And?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Your rights to driving a car are revoked to only desperate times.” He said and Natasha glared at him kicking him in the shins. He groaned holding his leg up and Natasha snatched the keys away from him. 

“I hate you.” He wheezed and she rolled her eyes and laughed. She opened the driver seat door and turned the car on.

“Get in.” She said and he flipped her off before limping his way to the passenger seat door. The car’s music was blasting with some top 50 music stations but Natasha paid little attention to the music knowing that Clint would eventually change it to some rock station he always likes.

“Oh please, I did not hit you that hard.” She said rolling her eyes and he gave her a look that held a very clearly meant  _ fuck you. _

“Tell that to the bruise forming on my shin.” He snarked and she laughed as she put the car in drive. Clint buckled up as soon as she sped up.

“Easy let’s not get a ticket when we literally look like we walked out of a horror film Nat.” He said as his eyes widened, as the dial for the speed’s numbers kept increasing. She let off the gas just slightly to please him.

“Happy?” She asked keeping her eyes out for any decent looking food places. Although they may just be limited to drive thru’s because well Clint was right, they really did look as if they stepped out of a slaughterhouse.

Natasha’s face, for the most part, was fine however she could feel the cuts on her hands with every turn of the wheel. There were also the bruises forming all over her body.

Clint’s injuries were a bit more noticeable since they were mainly on his face. He seemed to be sporting a couple of new scratches on his face from knives that seemed to come a bit to close. He was also bleeding slightly from his shoulder.

“Alright, compromise how about McDonald’s?” He asked and Natasha shook her head.

“I’m in the mood for a real milkshake, not the fake ones.” She said and he laughed.

“Fine we can go to Chick-fil-A but we're getting large and I’m not opposed to ordering at least three 12 piece nugget meals,” Clint said and Natasha laughed as she searched for the closet Chick-fil-A.

Natasha watched as Barton tried to sneakily change the radio station and smirked when he found his favorite station and started to sing along.

Just like every other day.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! Honestly this chapter was one of my favorites to write. I love the Clint/Nat friendship and also side note we are starting to really go through the movies. I'll be taking bits and pieces of some of the movies that I think are relevant to the plot. I'll try to make sure it's not super confusing by having the years in there but let me know if there is anything you think I should be doing to make it more clear. Anyway that's all I hope you guys enjoy!

_ 2011 _

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“Rule number one never take your eyes off your opponent.” A sweaty man said by the name of Happy. Natasha rolled her eyes, turning back her head. He was slow and clearly out of shape. Sadly for him, Natasha was in a bad mood that day.

Fury assigned her to watch over Tony Stark after finding out that he was ill. To say that she was pleased… Well, that was the understatement of the century. So when Happy’s fist got a bit too close to her face she snapped just a bit.

With a simple technique, she was able to use his body weight against him as he brought him to the ground in less than a second. She could feel him struggling for air as she blocks his airway crushing it between her legs.

She’s taken many men out like this. If she just squeezed a bit harder he would be dead within seconds. However, she was on a mission and well she didn’t need her cover blown right away.

Maybe on a better day when she didn’t have to deal with Tony Stark would she be nicer to Happy. However. maybe this will be a bit of a wake up call that just because a woman's pretty doesn’t mean they can’t be lethal in a fight.

Natasha could hear Pepper yell as she released Happy from the choke hold and smoothly got up. She raised an eyebrow as Happy muttered something under his breath and she secretly rolled her eyes.

Natasha quickly got out of the ring and back to Stark trying to get his fingerprints, which he was quite annoyed about giving.

“Will that be all Mr. Stark?” Natasha asked and Pepper looked at her kindly however Natasha could see through that act. She knew Pepper was worried about Natasha’s influence over Stark. Natasha wished she could sit down with this woman and tell her she could do so much better however she was undercover as Natalie Rushman.

“Have a good day.” She said hoping that this mission might be wrapped up soon enough.

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_ 2011 _

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“I want all eyes watching out for this man.” Fury said. Natasha watched as Hill scolded the women for letting Captain America escape.

“I want to know who thought it would be a good idea to play a baseball game?” She said itching to chew someone out, much to Natasha’s pleasure, Rumlow. Hill was shouting at him as she watched him try to explain his logic to her only to come off a stuttering mess  _ Good,  _ Natalia thought to herself.

“Romanoff.” Fury called out and Natasha tore her eyes away from the glorious scene in front of her. She would have to tell Clint all about it when it got back from his mission in New Mexico with Coulson.

Natasha allowed herself to be amazed for one more second imagining Coulson’s reaction when he gets told that his precious Captain America has finally woken up. She pictured the look of disappointment when he found out that he had missed it and then the look of pure rage when he found out that it was Rumlow that let him escape.

If she thought Hill was pissed she couldn’t imagine what Coulson would be like, especially with his idol completely lost in New York. She wondered just what shade of red his face would turn.

Fury had an amused glint in his eye as he watched her take pleasure in the downfall of others but that slowly turned back to business. With every minute that passed that Captain America could was getting further and further away from them.

“I need you on the ground patrolling the areas, he may be a super soldier but he couldn’t have gotten that far before the shock hit him.” Fury ordered and Natasha nodded her head happy that she remembered her guns.

She may not have been dressed in her usual mission gear however it might be better to dress a little more on the casual side for a tracking mission. With a nod of her head, she was off on her motorcycle throughout the busy streets of New York.

Natasha watched as several other people took off along with Fury himself in SUV’s. Natasha took the more heavy trafficked area due to her being able to maneuver through it easier.

“Any sign of him?” She heard Fury ask and Natasha kept her eyes peered out, she put herself in the perspective of Captain America, completely lost. Natasha’s eyes widened as she made a sharp turn, cars beeped at her left and right but she didn’t care.

_ Where is the one place you’ll always end up in the city? _ She asked herself as she went straight to Times Square, the heart of New York. And what does she know right in the middle of things is Captain fucking America, aka Steve Rodgers looking completely lost as to where he was. She watched as Fury took over the scene Natasha took her place in the shadows in case things turned ugly.

“At ease Soldier.” She heard Fury say and Rodgers turned and looked at him. He was surrounded by tinted black cars and Natasha cringed at the thought of making that man feel like he was being put in a cage, not the best move on Fury’s part.

Fury stepped out of the car and traffic control was working on keeping the people out of the way. Natasha watched as Rodgers sized Fury with a lost look in his eyes.

“Look I’m sorry about that little show back there, we thought it would be best to break it to you slowly.” Fury said, choosing his words very carefully. She watched as Rodgers's face turned even more confused.

“Break what?” Rodgers asked with frantic eyes looking all around him at the bright lights. Natasha pitied the man who was lost in time.

“You’ve been asleep Cap for almost 70 years.” Fury said and Natasha watched as Steve’s face went from confusion to processing the information he had just learned. She saw the look of pain cross over his face as the realization struck with him.

“You gonna be ok?” Fury asked and Natasha tensed at those words. Fury was worried that Rodgers was a time bomb about to go off. She clipped her gun from her belt as she waited for the signal. 

“Yeah, yeah, I just, I had a date.” He said brokenly and Natasha’s eyes widened and froze as she watched Rodgers look all around him. Fury wasn’t very good at handling emotions such as these and offered Rodgers some information.

Rodgers allowed Fury to guide him off the streets and back to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s headquarters. Natasha kept her distance in the shadows as she watched Rodgers make his way into the car with Fury.

Before he entered, however, his eyes made contact with her for the briefest second. Natasha didn’t let any emotion show on her face as his broken eyes poured into hers. She held back her pain and suffering. She watched as the car drove away with Rodgers in it, the feeling of emptiness haunting her as she imagined piercing blue eyes staring into her soul.

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Natasha smiled as she walked into a familiar-looking bar. It was almost always empty with only the regulars that showed up for a drink and a smoke after work. Natasha weaved her way through the bar to her usual table.

Her eyes widened in surprise to see that Clint was actually on time for once. They were both dressed casually not wanting to draw too much attention to themselves. Clint hopped off the stole to give her a hug, which she smiled at, she hasn’t seen her best friend for the past couple of months.

“How are the kids?” Nat asked smiling as the waitress brought them their usual beer, nothing too flashy for a place like this. He looked exhausted but at the mention of kids his eyes lit up and he reached for his phone to show her pictures of Cooper and Lila.

“They’re getting so big,” Natasha said feeling like it was only yesterday that they were celebrating Lila’s 4th birthday and not her 6th. She looked at how much Cooper seemed to shoot up height wise even though Clint wasn’t extremely tall.

“I know Cooper’s 7 it’s crazy to think about the times when he turned into a teenager. I'm not sure I’m ready for that,” Clint said and Natasha laughed.

“Clint if you're worried about Cooper you’re going to be a mess with Lila, look at her she’s going to be a heartbreaker,” Clint said and he groaned. Lila got the best features of her mom and dad, plus she didn’t have Clint’s nose, which was always a positive.

“You don’t think she’ll keep saying the only man in life she needs is her daddy?” Clint asked and Natasha gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

“Enjoy it while you can, big guy, all the guys are going to go after her one day,” Natasha said, speaking from experience. Clint took a big gulp of his beer.

“If any of them want to date her they have to survive a weekend hunting with me,” Clint said with a fierce determination in his eyes. Natasha rolled her eyes shaking her head. She had a feeling that when Lila hit the double digits she would be getting a lot of texts from her niece about her father.

She was already starting to get secret phone calls from Cooper on the best way to win a girl over that was a grade ahead of him. Not that she would ever tell Clint that, what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

“The kids want to know when you’ll be able to stop by again?” Clint asked guilt-tripping her by bringing up the kids. He used this tactic when he either felt that she was trying to isolate herself again or if he desperately needed some alone time with his wife.

“I’ll stop by for Lila’s birthday this month.” She promised and he nodded his head knowing that this is the best he would get out of her. Natasha felt like she intruded sometimes in the Barton family no matter how many times Laura and Clint went out of their way to make her feel welcomed.

The truth was Natasha longed to have that kind of experience. It was always an impossible dream that never went away, having something to come home to. The last time she felt that was almost a decade ago. She shook her head trying to get away from those memories; she was with her best friend who she hasn’t seen in a long time.

As much as she tried to ignore those memories a sinking feeling made its way to her mind,  _ where is he now?  _ She tried to shake these thoughts by taking a sip of her beer and changing the subject.

“So how did your last mission go?” She asked and as if sensing her need for a new topic he went along with it and smirked at her.

“It was a crazy one.” He said shaking his head as if not quite sure what to make of it. Natasha raised an eyebrow, he was paired with Coulson the most extravagant thing that normally happens on those missions is Coulson possibly having to taser someone.

“I know the feeling.” She said thinking about chasing down Captain America. Clint shook his head at her taking another sip of his beer.

“Trust me on this one Nat, even this mission would shock you,” Clint said and Natasha raised her eyebrow at the challenge.

“What’s the stakes?” She asked and he smirked holding up his almost finished beer. 

“Whoever loses has to pay for the next round. Go.” He said and Natasha smirked at him reencountering her tale of having to chase down Captain America in New York. She didn’t leave out a single detail about how she watched Hill chew out Rumlow. By the end of it, Clint looked like he was smirking in victory.

“Man that is a good one Romanoff and I think any other week that story would beat mine however it just can’t compare,” Clint said, his smirk grew even wider.

“What, you think that you have something that could beat chasing down Captain America? You were with Coulson in New Mexico, how good could it be?” She asked and Clint shook his head.

“I was sent with Coulson to New Mexico to guard a hammer that dropped out of the sky that was like Excalibur stuck in a stone, only someone worthy could lift this hammer.” Clint started and Natasha wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion but Clint just held up his hand and she let him continue.

“Anyway it turns out that this hammer belonged to the God of Thunder, his name is Thor by the way blond good looking, nice abs who was kicked out of his realm which is called Asgard. He was sent to Earth as a punishment by his father to live a mortal life. Then his evil brother Loki, the God of Mischief attacked Earth, fought Thor and took the hammer with him and well no hammer means nothing for me to protect.” Clint finished with a completely straight face.

Natasha blinked waiting for him to crack and start laughing. He was joking right, nothing this good happened on Coulson’s missions.

“You’re joking right?” She asked and he shook his head.

“Next rounds on you.” He said and Natasha sat there completely dumbfounded as Clint signaled the waitress for another round. 

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_ 2012 _

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He had his handler slap her again for glaring at him. She winced as it made a loud sound in the quiet room. Much worse people than some generals bodyguard and those people kept their rings on to have slapped her.

She let herself get captured. That was the most important thing is that these morons didn’t even seem to understand. In Natasha’s case that was a good thing. She was tied down to a wooden chair that was just by the ledge of an unfinished platform.

“This is not how I wanted this evening to go.” The older general said with a look of lust still in his eyes. He gave her body an appreciating glance and she stopped herself from cringing in disgust.

“I know how you wanted this evening to go. Believe me, this is better.” She said as she wiped his smirk off his face. She kept her face neutral so needed to get all the information she could out of him.

“Who do you work for? Lermontov, yes?” He asks and Natasha hides her joy.  _ Finally, the interrogation can begin.  _ She thought to herself while waiting for the perfect moment. 

When she didn’t respond right away the general gave a nod at the bodyguard. She let him push her chair back threatening over the edge. She wasn’t terrified. However, she kept all these emotions off her face.

“Does he think that we have to go through him to move our cargo?” He asked and the bodyguard let the chair fall back onto the ground. Natasha raised an eyebrow at the new information in front of her. S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t aware of the new change.

“I thought General Solohob is in charge of the export business.” She stated and he sneered at her.

“Solohob, a bagman, a front. Your outdated information betrays you.” He said with a look of disgust passing over his face before he turns to face her. He walked closer to her and she let the vile rise up in her throat as he placed his hands on her face.

“The famous Black Widow.” He stated and she still said nothing, this guy was giving her everything. She smirked inwardly.

“It seems that she is just another pretty face.” He said rubbing his thumb across her lips. She almost bites his thumb, she was told that her teeth are pretty sharp when they need to be.

“You think I’m pretty?” She asked, batting her eyelashes. He laughed and smirked down at her. In the corner of Natasha’s eyes, she saw the bodyguard make an appreciative hand gesture.  _ He’ll go down first.  _ She thought darkly to herself.

“Tell Lermontov we don’t need him to move the tanks. Tell him he is out. Well… we might have to write it down.” The elderly man said with a dangerous glint in his eyes as his hand hovered over the pliers. Natasha was just about to make her move when someone’s phone rang.

They all blinked in surprise; they hadn’t been expecting that either. Natasha held herself back from making her move to listen in on the conversation.

“Hello?” The bodyguard asked with furled eyebrows. He turned around to his boss holding out the phone.

“It’s for her.” He said and Natasha tried to think of who would be calling for her in the middle of a mission. She stayed still and watched as the older man swiped the phone out of the bodyguard’s hand, angered that his perfect night had been interrupted not once but twice. 

“You listen carefully.” He started only to be interrupted by a voice that Natasha has grown to know very well. She raised her eyebrows at the sound of Coulson’s voice along with his threat to blow up the block.

Begrudgingly he put the phone on her shoulder for her to hole using her chin. Natasha felt worry build up inside her, Coulson has never called her up in the middle of a mission like this before.

“We need you to come in.” He started and Natasha was on edge; this mission was so close to being done.

“Are you kidding? I’m working.” She said trying to figure out by the sound of Coulson’s voice what exactly had happened that he needed her so desperately.

“This takes precedence.” He said and Natasha raised her eyebrows. 

“I’m in the middle of an interrogation. This moron is giving me everything.” She said trying to reason with Coulson that she was so close. The older man looked offended at that statement.

“I don’t give everything.” He said and she just looked at him. 

“Look you can’t pull me out right now.” She said there was still a chance to save this mission even now.

“Natasha… Barton’s been compromised.” He said and she froze.

“Let me put you on hold.” She said as the color drained away from her face. She nodded her head at the guy to take the phone away. When he reached to grab the phone she kicked him right below the belt making him fall to the ground in agony.

She quickly made her next move, which was tackling the two bodyguards knowing that the older general would be done the rest of the fight. She was able to dodge and kick however she needed to get out the chair and she needed to be smart about it.

She found her opportunity when she spun around and hit one of them with the chair taking him down. Dealing with the other one she was able to break the chair on him while crushing a few toes and breaking his nose.

The next moves were simple ones that were designed to use her opponent's weight against them and they easily fell. She heard groaning and smirking,  _ so apparently, the old man can get up.  _ She let her smirk show as she grabbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and wrapped it around the old man.

She shoved him off the edge and took no pity as she heard the snap of his leg-breaking. She looked around to see that she was the last one standing before hurriedly grabbing the phone and shoes.

“Where’s Barton now?” She asked, keeping the panic out of her voice. Panicking would do nothing she needed to get him back; she was his partner.

“We don’t know,” Coulson said.

“But he’s alive?” She asked, needing to know, she wasn’t sure what she’d be able to tell Laura if he wasn’t.

“We think so. I’ll brief you on everything when you get back.” Coulson said and Natasha calmed down.

“But first, we need you to talk to the big guy.” He said and Natasha laughed at the thought of her having to deal with Stark. Fury told her about his reaction to her analysis of his character.

“Coulson you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me.” She said and he laughed on the other line.

“Oh, I’ve got Stark. You get the big guy.” He said and she froze.  _ He couldn’t possibly mean… _ She let her thoughts trail off as he confirmed that that was exactly what he meant.

She gulped and took one last glance at the scene behind her. She’d take this night over dealing with the big guy any day of the week. She reminded herself that it was for Clint and kept walking. She’d given up on running away a long time ago.

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone I hope your having a good day today!

_ 2012  _

She watched him as he sat around in his cage for a long time. Fury was right, Loki wanted to get captured the only reason is why? She peered at him waiting for him to notice her. She peeled herself away from the shadows and his whole figure straightened up.

“There aren’t many people who can sneak up on me like that.” He says turning around to face her. His face lit up at the sight of her. She’s been watching him in this cage ever since they captured him.

He had Barton and that was all that mattered, she owed a life debt to Clint and his family for taking her in. She needed to bring him home to Laura. Natasha still felt the coldness that swept over her as she called Laura to tell her what happened.

She asked the frantic wife on the other line if she needed to head down to Missouri however in the middle of Laura’s breakdown she froze. She told Natasha that she and the kids would be all right and to just focus on finding Clint.

She knew not to make Natasha promise anything that she might not be able to keep. Laura was calm for the rest of the call and told Natasha that if there was any news to inform her as soon as they got the chance.

Natasha observed the man keeping her from her best friend. She watched him as he mocked her and she knew that Thor would never be able to get information out of Loki. Anyone could tell that he still loved his brother and they needed someone who Loki thought that he could take advantage of and intimidate.

Fury automatically went to Natasha knowing she would know exactly how to play the helpless romantic trying to get her best friend back. Even though there was only friendship between her and Clint she’s heard the rumors circulating about them. She knew many people thought that they were romantically involved and Natasha just let it roll off her shoulders.

The only people that knew the truth about her and Clint’s relationship were Fury and Coulson and that was all that mattered. In fact, she used that information to her advantage. She used it to keep other men from trying to pursue her. She had already given her heart to another; she would never be able to stop loving him, even if he would never be able to remember her love.

It was her true weakness yet Natasha found herself never wanting to get rid of the parts of her that loved her ghost because it made her feel alive. That pain reminded her what it’s like to feel and to turn that off would mean to turn off her feelings in general. She had people that she cared about now. She became a part of a family and people were counting on her. She needed to be alive to be there for them.

“But you figured I’d come.” She said holding her head up high she needed to get this information. She needed to know why he let himself get captured.

“After whatever tortures Fury can think of you would like to appear almost as a friend and think that I desperately need an ally, thinking I’d corporate.” He said smiling however Natasha could see that his friendly smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. It appears that even gods have the same body language as humans. 

“I want to know what you’ve done to Agent Barton.” She said. Keep it focused to the point, the less she talked the more he would show.

“I would say that I’ve expanded his mind.” He said, acting open and honest. His voice was calm however she saw the twirl of chaos playing behind his eyes.

“And once you’ve won, once you declare yourself king of Earth, what happens to his mind?” She asked, folding her arms across her chest as she moved closer to his cage. She needed to draw him out and make him think that he was getting the drop on her.

“Is this love Agent Romanoff?” He asked and she let the neutral mask on her face slip. She showed a fraction of the pain she felt as she watched her lost love get torn away from her. 

“Love is for children, I owe him a debt.” She said. The best way to fool a liar is by telling them the truth. Everything she said was the truth. She watched as his excitement grew, he thought that he was a wolf finding his prey, getting ready to pounce but not just yet.

“Tell me.” He said and she knew that he’d want more information to confirm his theory that she was in love with Clint. She made it seem as though she thought that she still had control of the situation, unaware of what he was trying to do. She took a seat and told him how they met.

“Before I worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. I worked for the KGB and made a name for myself. Whenever the title Black Widow was whispered they would know fear. They taught me and trained me in a specific skill set and I used it on whoever they wanted. I got on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s radar in a bad way and Agent Barton was sent to kill me. He made a different call.” She said keeping it short and simple.

“And what will you do if I vow to spare him?” Loki asked and Natasha smirked inwardly, they were finally getting to the part of the interrogation.

“Not let you out,” Natasha said, acting like she was in complete control.

“No, but I like this. Your world is in the balance and you bargain for one man’s life.” He said, smirking at her.

“Regimes fall every day I tend not to weep about it, I’m Russian, or at least I was.” She said and she let her old name come back to her mind.

“And what are you now?” Loki asked and Natasha knew that this was where he would try and flip things over on her she needed to act defensibly.

“It’s really not that complicated. I got red in my ledger, and I’d like to wipe it out.” She said getting up and bringing herself closer to his cage.

“Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? The hospital fire, the countless murders staining your hands. Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping. It’s gushing red and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything?” He asked and Natasha froze, she wasn’t ready for him to know all this information about her, but suddenly she felt fear, not for herself but Laura and the children.

“This is a child’s prayer. Pathetic! You lie and kill in the service of liars and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your code, something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you. And they will never go away.” He said coming closer to her. She let fear display on her face and shock along with it. She’s heard all these things before. Flashbacks to Madam Irene and being put on LSD. She shivers at the memory of burning children lighting a flame.

Suddenly she was transported back to her childhood. She remembered the stories that children made up about her. Of how her fiery red hair was bathed in the blood of her enemies. 

Suddenly he slammed his hand on the glass and she reflexively went into a defensive position. He was finally making a pounce on his prey if only he knew that that was far from the truth.

“I won’t touch Barton, not until I make him kill you. Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear. And then I’ll wake him up just in time to see what he’s done. To watch the light fade from your eyes and then I’ll split his skull.” He said and the joy he was getting out of making her feel fear made Natasha turned around.

“This is my bargain, you pathetic human.” He said but there was more. Natasha knew that she could get more out of him.

“You’re a monster.” She said waiting for it. She could hear him chuckle to himself thinking he defeated her.

“Oh no. You brought the monster.” He said and Natasha smirked. He walked right into her web laid in front of him. Apparently, it is possible to play a god.

“So Banner that’s your play.” She started watching his excitement die and was replaced by confusion. The realization of what he’s done hit him and his eyes widened.

“Loki means to unleash the Hulk, Keep Banner in the lab, I’m on my way. Send Thor as well.” She said into her earpiece to Fury before turning and walking away. Just out of spit she turned around when she was at the door.

“Thank you for your cooperation.” She said smirking as his jaw dropped and he glared at her.  _ Didn’t he realize there was only one wolf in this room this whole time?  _ She thought to herself before turning away. She learned everything she needed to know. More importantly Barton was alive, for now. 

.

.

.

“I swear on my life, I will get you out of this.” She tried telling him. She knew it was already too late as she watched the green coloring spread throughout his body.

“Your life!” He exclaimed and she could hear the roar of the Hulk take over. She was able to finally free her leg out from under the pipe however she made a grieve error. She stayed watched as the Hulk took over. She saw the light in Dr. Banner’s eyes go out and pure rage took over.

She ran for her life thankful that she kept maintained that as part of her exercise routine however it wasn’t enough. She couldn’t outrun a Hulk, no one could. As the glass came crashing down around her and his thundering footsteps got closer she knew there was no way she was going to make it out alive.

Her whole side was in pain as his large hand swatted her away and she went crashing into a concert wall. She landed with a sickening thud. She wasn’t dead just yet.

Natasha wondered how many times she evaded death.  _ One to many. _ She thought to herself. She let her eyes close, the hulks face was not the last thing she wanted to see before she died.

Instead, she thought of icy blue eyes that haunted her dreams. She thought of an apartment in Romania. She found herself in bed with James staring at her. She reached out to touch him yet her hand could never reach him. She found herself wishing that she could finally be at peace in his arms.

_ “I want you to live.”  _ She could hear him say. She smiled at that statement, didn’t he know a part of her died the day he was taken out of her life.

She kept her eyes closed even when the thunderous footsteps stopped. Even when there was a burst of wind that came flying through the air. The feeling of safety washed over her as she once again evaded death. However Natasha kept them closed not wanting to stop looking at James. She couldn’t move because she was lost in her happy place. Natasha wanted to stay there, she wanted to be home.

“It’s Barton, he took out our systems. He’s heading towards the detention level. Does anybody copy?” She could hear Fury say into her earpiece. Her eyes snapped open at the sound of his voice. Reality washed over her at Barton’s name. She still had a place on this Earth, she still had people who she cared about. 

She was up and moving before her brain could even process what she was doing.  _ The heart is an arrow. _

“This is Agent Romanoff. I copy.” She said. It had to be her because she knew that if it were anyone else he would be killed on the spot.

She found him walking towards the detention center, she needed to surprise attack him. She dropped silently from to ground and mimicked his step patterns until she made one wrong move.

The second she heard the clicking of a bow meeting the arrow she knew that she had to act quickly. She moved to the side and forced the bow away from her. She knew that the bow and arrow at close range would be useless against her.

Fighting with him was difficult; he knew all of her fighting moves like the back of his hand. She had to be able to constantly surprise him or else he could easily push her far enough away to be able to attack with his bow and arrow.

She surprised him by swinging her body under the pathway. When she saw his shadow bend down to snatch her she came back up and kicked him from behind. He was far enough away that he grabbed his bow and Natasha had just enough time to push her body under the pathway again. The arrow just missed.

She moved just close enough again and it seemed as if he had decided to use the bow as a baseball bat. He constantly swung at her like she was a spider he wanted to squash.

She managed to disarm his bow however when he pulled a knife to her throat she panics. Flashes came back to her as she tried to keep the knife from digging into her neck and a blood-red smile came to mind.

She bites down on Clint’s arm enough to make him drop the knife. While he was distracted enough by the pain in his arm she flipped over him and slammed his head into the metal pole.

He goes down with a groan. His eyes flickering from bright blue to dark blue as he looked at her in confusion.

“Natasha?” He asked and she felt something stir up in her as she looked into his changing blue eyes. The bright blue ones brought her back to James and she remembered how he remembered his name. She punched Clint in the face with all her might. His dark blue eyes took over as they closed. Natasha watched as her best friend’s body fell to the floor and hoped to someone that it worked.

.

.

.

Natasha watched him groan and struggle. He tried to move his arms however they were chained to the bed. She wanted to release him right away however she had orders from Fury to make sure Loki was out of his system first. 

He was shaking his head and when dark blue eyes opened she moved towards him trying to calm him down. She took a seat by the bed when he tried to get out of the cuffs.

“Clint.” She said but he shook his head, she waited a couple more seconds before trying to reach out to him again.

“You’re going to be alright,” Natasha said. He had to be, she would have no idea what to tell Laura if he wasn’t.

“You know that?” He asked and she felt relieved at the sound of his voice back to normal. He was talking like himself and not some mindless puppet. Natasha took this as a good sign.

“I have to get him out,” Clint said. His voice was hoarse and Natasha went up to grab him some water.

“Have you ever had someone take your brain and play with it? To pull you out and stuff something else in? Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?” He asked, leaning his head back against the wall. Natasha froze at his words.

“You know I do.” She said and he looked at her. He nodded his head as she undid the cuffs before handing him the water. She took a seat beside him. 

“Why am I back? How did you get him out?” He asked, rubbing his wrists from where the cuffs had dug into his skin. A smile ghosted her lips at his question.

“Cognitive Recalibration,” Natasha said the words felt foreign to her. She hasn’t used that term in a very long time. Natasha almost laughed at his confused and concerned face.

“I hit you hard on the head.” She explained and he nodded his head and let out a painful laugh.

“Thanks,” Clint said looking down at his hands. 

“Natasha how many?” He asked and she froze.

“Don’t, don’t do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki, monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.” She said and he nodded his head. Natasha could tell that Clint didn’t believe her however he also knew that he would never get that information out of her.

“Did Loki get away?” He asked and she nodded her head.

“I don’t suppose you know where?” She asked.

“Didn’t need to know. I didn’t even ask.” He said, shaking his head. Natasha got up to check and make sure no one was coming.

“He’s going to make his play soon though, today even,” Clint stated and Natasha froze.

“We have to stop him,” Natasha said and Clint laughed.

“Yea whose we?” He asked and Natasha suddenly remembered that it almost seemed like there was no one left.

“I don’t know whoever is left.” She exclaimed.

“Well if I put an arrow through Loki’s eye socket I suppose I’ll sleep better,” Clint said and Natasha laughed. Being here and talking to him reminded her of what normalcy looked like. Not this whole crazy mess filled with things she never dreamed of.

“Kind of like how I almost put an arrow in Rumlow’s ass,” Natasha said and Clint burst out laughing remembering that moment. “You're starting to sound like you again Barton.” She said sitting down next to him again.

“But you don’t. You are a spy, not a soldier. You used to laugh and make fun of those who dove right into battle and now you want to do just that. What did Loki do to you?” He asked, staring her in the eye. Just like usual, only with a twist. His words stung when he mentioned the soldier part.

“I’ve been compromised. My ledger is bleeding red and I’d like to wipe it out.” Natasha told him. She knew that all the work was done with S.H.I.E.L.D. would never be enough.

.

.

.

By the end of it, the battle had destroyed half the city. She had been a part of a war and she had been on the good side, for once in history. People didn’t whisper the name Black Widow out of fear; instead, it was shouted in joy.

Natasha was at a loss for words the first time she saw Black Widow appear on the news in a positive light. Clint came up to her and patted her on the shoulder and she held his hand.

The shawarma restaurant was in pieces around them. The only reason why they were able to get food was the check Stark wrote with several zeros after it. Natasha normally wasn’t a fan of using money to get her way however she was so hungry that she didn’t care. They would probably need that kind of money with all the damage.

She caught Rodger’s eye as he quickly avoided her gaze. He was still a mystery to Natasha. She fought beside him in the battle and even trusted him enough to give her a boost onto the alien ship.

Clint took his hand off her shoulder and gave her one last smile before taking another bite of his food. Natasha knew that Clint wanted her to come back to Missouri with him however there was too much here that Fury needed help with.

As she dropped Clint off at the airport deep down the reason why she didn’t go was because that was going to be a family moment. As much as the Barton’s argued that she was just as much of their family as anyone else she felt as if she was still an outsider looking in. 

Natasha helped carry his bags to the airplane. He dropped his bags and brought her into a tight embrace.

“There’s something you need to know, Natasha,” Clint said slowly, pulling out of their embrace.

“What’s up?” She asked with furrowed eyebrows, he was too serious for a time like this.

“Fury informed me that I have to go through an evaluation period before I can get back to fieldwork,” Clint said and Natasha looked at him oddly.

“I don’t see the big deal you’ll be back in no time,” Natasha said and he shook his head.

“Fury told me that the minimum amount of time for this evaluation would be a year.” He said and her eyes widened.

“They can’t do this to you, Clint. They know you're good, hell I’ll go talk to them if they need a reminder.” She said and he shook his head, grabbing her shoulders.

“Calm down Nat it’s ok. I wasn’t expecting to get off easy, I know what I did.” Clint said and she was about to argue with him but he just held up a hand.

“There’s nothing we can do this goes above even Fury’s head. Look you can visit me whenever you want there letting me do my evaluation close to home.” He said and she looked down at the ground.

“So I guess I’ll be flying solo on missions for a year.” She said, trying to think positively.

“Fury said a minimum of a year, however, I had a god in my head. He thinks it might be around two.” He said.

“Two years I can handle that.” She said and he shook his head.

“Nat they’re not going to let you go into every mission alone, you're going to need a partner,” Clint said.

“I already have one,” Natasha said and he smiled down sadly at her.

“Well, I’m afraid you might have to accept a substitute till your old one comes back.” He said and she smiled sadly. He brought her in for another hug and she wished that this didn’t feel like goodbye.

“Nat you learned to trust me, I know you’ll be able to do it again,” Clint told her and she nodded her head. She wasn’t sure that she was ready to trust that many people.

“Don’t be a stranger.” He said and she shook her head.

“Cooper’s birthday’s coming up. I'll be up for that weekend.” She said.

“Oh no Cooper’s birthday is now a week-long fiasco.” Clint joked and she smiled.

“I guess there’s no chance of me trying to convince you to come with me?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Well since you insist on being so damn stubborn I have something for you.” He said, pulling out a tiny black box. Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“You do know it’s illegal to have more than one wife Barton?” She jokingly asked before opening it. Her eyes widen at the necklace.

“The girls picked it out for you. I wanted to go with a gaudy gold one but they said that silver was more your style.” He said and she stared down at the simple yet elegant arrow-shaped necklace. Thinking back to the shine of metal in the sunlight she smiled down softly at the color. They were right, silver really did suit her better.

“If you don’t like it I won’t tell them.” He said rubbing the back of his neck. She shook her head and brought him into another hug.

“Thank you so much.” She said and he smiled against her head.

“Anytime Nat.” He said kissing the top of her head. She allowed him to put the necklace on her and she reached to feel the arrow. She smiled, it was perfect.

“Remember the heart is an arrow and you are always welcomed in the Barton household.” He said and she held back the tears with a smile.

“Even if I refuse to get you Chinese food?” She asked.

“I think that might be up for debate.” He cheekily replied and she punched him in the shoulder.

“Go see your family Hawkeye,” Natasha said and he rolled his eyes climbing the steps to get on the plane. With one last wave from the captain’s seat, he was off. She let the tears fall when she was in the car driving back to the compound.

.

.

.

By the time Natasha had gotten back to the compound all she wanted was to be left alone. She had just lost her partner inevitably and with her luck, S.H.I.E.L.D. might try and stick her with Rumlow.

She was quiet as she entered the building. It was completely dark however she was familiar with it enough to find her way through. Instead of going to her room like she should have, she made her way to the roof.

Natasha opened the doors to find Rodgers with his back to her. She wanted to just close the door and head back to her room however he turned around. His eyes lit up in surprise at the sight of her.

“Is that you Romanoff?” He asked, stepping closer towards her.

“Yeah, I was just coming up here to get some fresh air but I’ll leave you alone.” She said and he shook his head.

“There’s enough air for us both up here.” Rodgers joked and she, despite her better judgment, joined him. Things were tense; they both had no clue what to say to each other. Rodgers was holding a compass in his one hand and Natasha started to play with her new necklace.

“You didn’t go with him?” Rodgers asked looking over at her. His eyes on the necklace in between her fingers,  _ He’s heard the rumors. _

“No, too much work to be done here. I’m not sure about you but the whole alien thing is new territory for me.” She replied and he laughed.

“Yea apparently when you're around a hundred years old you really don’t know all that much.” Rodgers joked and she surprised herself by laughing.

“So what does Captain America have in mind after this whole fiasco?” She asked him casually and he sighed.

“Honestly I have no idea. Fury wants me to join S.H.I.E.L.D. and work for them however I don’t think he realizes just how far behind I am with technology. I also got an offer to take up my old acting career and create some videos for high school students.” Steve said holding his simple flip phone. Natasha almost burst out laughing at the sight of it.

“Laugh all you want Romanoff but at least this one is easier for me to figure out,” Rodgers said and Natasha just smiled and scooted a little bit closer to him to explain to him her phone.

“I just don’t get the whole apps thing,” Rogers stated and Natasha gave him a sympathetic nod.

She observed him go silent as he looked down at the streets in confusion. It is so easy to get caught up in things that she’s completely forgotten that Rogers has only been out of the ice for less than a year.

They were both silent. Natasha wasn’t any better at the whole moving on thing these past six years. How could she possibly get any better when every time she wanted to find peace, James was there? Natasha knew that there was no getting over him at this point.

But looking over at Rogers she realized that maybe she wouldn’t be the only one suffering from the past. Maybe she could learn to have more than one friend, even one as self-righteous as Steve Rodgers.

.

.

.

_ 2013 _

__

Natasha had just gotten back from another solo mission. She was exhausted and just wanted to sleep however Fury requested to see her. Natasha made her way up to Fury’s office, it was probably just a quick debrief of the mission.

“Agent Romanoff, sit.” Fury said and she took her spot in her normal chair by his desk. Fury was looking over some paperwork and she thought that maybe they were planning on sending her on another mission.

“Were assigning you a new partner.” Fury stated and her mouth dropped.

“Why?” She asked before she could stop herself. Fury looked up at her, she could tell he didn’t appreciate the backtalk.

“Because you are a valuable asset to S.H.I.E.L.D. and some of these missions are much safer with two people rather than one.” Fury stated and Natasha objected.

“Fury I’ve made it already a year without a partner. I make it another one without one.” She said and Fury only shook his head.

“Natasha, you know that if I could Barton would have never been sent away however it is not my decision. This one was my decision: you can either take my pick at who your partner will be or you can take someone else. My guess is you really won’t like who they’re going to set you up with.” Fury told her and she knew that he was talking about Rumlow.

“And who did you pick for me? Hill?” She asked not completely hating the thought of having to work with Hill, for a year at least. Fury shook his head and Natasha sighed this year was going to be a rough one.

“Alright, then who? There’s no one else in S.H.I.E.L.D. I get along with people other than Barton and Hill.” Natasha stated and Fury just smiled and shook his head. He handed her over a file and she froze.

A picture of none other than fucking Captain America greeted her. It was a whole file on his background. Her eyes found the bottom of the page and she saw what appeared to be Rodgers only smaller.

“We thought that maybe a soldier and spy dynamic might be our best shot at recreating a partnership like the one you and Barton had.” Fury said and his words stung her.

“Soldier and Spy.” She repeated bitterly to herself. Natasha couldn’t blame Fury he didn’t know but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

“I assume he’s my best option.” She stated and Fury confirmed it by nodding his head.

“What training has he done? He’s not exactly up to date.” She asked and Fury laughed.

“Oh, he's learned a lot this past year. We were able to upgrade his phone even.” Fury said and Natasha smiled slightly. She remembered the last time she even spoke to Rogers was about a year ago.

“Natasha we’re not asking you to become his best friend we think that pairing you two together might be something for the best.” Fury said and Natasha knew there was no arguing with Fury.

“Does he already know?” She asked.

“Yes, we informed Rogers that we thought you two would make a good match when we first started to train him. He’s not completely comfortable with the spying part yet but he makes for a great soldier.” Fury stated.

“Which is where I come in it at,” Natasha said and he nodded his head.

“I really have no other options do I?” She asked and Fury didn’t pity her. She was thankful for that.

“I believe this is your best option, Natasha.” He said and she nodded her head.

“Ok.” She agreed and walked out of Fury’s office. She left behind the file on Rodgers. If they were going to be partners she wasn’t going to read a file on him, she needed to know him to work with him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday! This is the start to the Winter Solider and it will probably follow the movies the most however I hope you guys enjoy!

_ 2014 _

__

Natasha ran like she never had before. She woke up from another nightmare and needed the distraction. Clint wasn’t available anymore for her to try and talk to. She felt a burning in her lungs and she ignored it to do another lap.

Every part of her body was on edge. She hadn’t had a nightmare in a long time however this one had her shaking. She dreamed of James and his letter to her that she still kept stuff in a drawer.

Only this time in the dream they were on opposite ends of the battlefield. She remembers the way he fought her. His black goggles filled with her fiery red hair. Natasha still felt the way her body chilled at the thought as she rammed her knife into his heart as he shot her.

They fell to the ground together and she watched the blood smeared across his shirt as she tried to reach him. Only to be stopped by the pain in her chest where a bullet was lodged attempting to kill her.

Natasha kept running, she was going to be assigned another mission with Rodgers later this evening. She needed to get her shit together, now was not the time for her to be dreaming of James.

She added on another lap just to make sure that the nightmare was pushed aside for later and checked the time. Her phone showed that it was 5 a.m. and she finally let herself relax.

She did a short jog back to her apartment building to shower and grabbed a cup of coffee. She desperately needed that coffee. She made herself wait however till after her warm shower.

The water hitting her back relaxed her tense muscles and it felt good to have just a moment to think about nothing. She let her mind relax and what she did think of the thought about visiting the Barton family for Laura’s birthday. She was excited to see her friends again.

Mostly she only comes around for the kid’s birthday however Laura called her in desperate need of some girl time for her birthday. Natasha only laughed and promised that she would visit soon.

Barton and her face-timed at least once a week however it wasn’t the same. With S.H.I.E.L.D. gaining more and more momentum it was getting hard for Natasha to visit Missouri a lot.

The absence of her partner took her to thoughts of Steve. Natasha smiled slightly; their relationship was far from trusting and friendship, however the past year it has improved greatly.

Natasha took on another demanding job, which was focusing on getting Steve a life. It may be a bit hypocritical of her however he didn’t need to know that. She was trying to get him some sort of love life but he was quite stubborn. Sadly for him, she was also very stubborn.

She finally got out of the shower when she was sure that if she stayed in there any longer her skin would peel off. She grabbed some clothes and got changed not being picky because she was going to have to change into her suit later.

She laced up her boots and finally grabbed her much needed coffee. She looked at the time and frowned when she realized she had to pick up Steve soon. Natasha didn’t even bother asking him where he was, she already knew.

She sent a quick text telling him that she’ll pick him up at the corner. She added a smiley face at the end just for the hell of it. He didn’t respond however she was practically already there. Her apartment building wasn’t too far away from his running place. It also helped that her speed limit was twenty at best over the actual limit but Natasha considered them to be guidelines more than anything else.

She sped up to the curb and with a sudden purr of the engine she stopped and rolled down the window. She raised an eyebrow Steve had made a friend while running.

“Hey, fellas. Either one of you knows where the Smithsonian is? I’m here to pick up a fossil.” She said smirking at Steve as he walked over to her car. It still amuses her to watch him try to fit into her small sports car.

“That’s hilarious,” Steve said sarcastically and she smiled. His sarcasm has improved greatly since they first started to train together. He manages to fit into the car and his friend bends down to take a look at her. 

“How are you doing?” Steve’s friend asks her and she only smiles at him.

“Hey.” She said, trying to play nice. Luckily for her, Steve thought he understood her position.

“Can’t run everywhere.” He said to bring the focus back to a more humor related topic.

“No, you can’t.” His friend said and Natasha rolled up the window and drove away.

“A little bit slower Natasha,” Steve said, gripping the handlebar. She laughed and dropped the speed just a tiny bit. She thought that this was her way of saying thank you to him for keeping away interested parties in her.

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“Secure channel seven,” Steve said.

“Seven secure,” Natasha said back. Their mission was a simple one however she could tell that Steve didn’t appreciate being uninformed. Natasha tried her best to try and get his mind to focus on something other than the fact that Fury wasn’t the most giving man when it came to information.

“You doing anything fun Saturday night?” She asked him and he raised an eyebrow at her and paused slightly what he was doing.

“Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so no, not really.” Steve said, putting in his earpiece. Natasha smirked at him shaking her head.

“Coming up on the drop zone Cap.” She heard the pilot say in the earpiece. Rodgers opened the door and Natasha winced at the ocean wind hitting her face.

“You know if you ask Kristen out from Statistics, she’ll probably say yes,” Natasha said. She remembers getting a lot of evil eyes from the girls around the office when it was announced that she and Rodgers would-be partners.

“That’s why I don’t ask,” Steve said, putting on his helmet. Natasha was grateful that she wasn’t forced to wear one of those.

“Too shy or too scared?” She teased.

“Too busy!” He said jumping out of the plane.

“Coward.” She said as she followed him out.

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“What about the nurse that lives across the hall from you? She seems kind of nice.” Natasha asked him as she undid her buckles on her parachute.

“Secure the engine room, then find me a date,” Steve said and she smiled.

“I’m multitasking.” She said jumping off the ledge to where the engine room is.

“Hey, sailor.” She said to the one man. He took one look at her and he was completely entranced by her. She let the spell break by kneeing him in the balls and choking him with her grappling hook.

She took out all the men she saw on the way down. She landed on one of the man’s dead bodies and could hear some footsteps beneath her. She put two bullets out and two loud thuds later she smiled making her way to the engine room.

“So much easier than the stairs.” She told herself.

“Engine room secure.” She said before moving on to her real task. She could hear Rumlow talk about her to Steve but she ignored it. She had her mission to complete.

She focused on breaking into the computer and downloading all the S.H.I.E.L.D.’s files. Natasha knew that Steve was going to be pissed at her however she needed to follow orders. Not everyone could be the soldier that the public adored; someone had to be the one doing the dirty work behind the scenes.

She jumped when she saw Steve and Georges Batroc come breaking down the door. Natasha wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or worried that it was Steve that came out on top. 

“Well, this is awkward.” She said, trying to finish downloading all the files. He looked over at her in surprise and annoyance.

“What are you doing?” He asked her, walking towards her.

“Backing up the hard drive. It’s a good habit to get into.” She said and Natasha could tell that Steve wasn’t very pleased with her at the moment.

“Rumlow needed your help. What the hell are you doing here?” He asked, staring at the computer screen.

“Your saving S.H.I.E.L.D. intel.” He stated and she was surprised, he has learned a lot these past couples of years.

“Whatever I can get my hands on.” She said and he looked at her. He was more than annoyed he was angry.

“Our mission is to rescue hostages.” He said and she sighed. While he’s learned a lot he still hasn’t learned everything.

“No that’s your mission, and you’ve done it amazingly.” She said patting him on the shoulder. He grabbed her arm to hold her back from walking away.

“You just jeopardized this whole operation.” He stated and Natasha rolled her eyes.

“I think that’s overstating things.” She said calmly to him. She needs them to get out of here. However, she heard the sound of a pin clicking and Batroc running away she curses.

Steve grabs a hold of her and she shoots the window into the next room. They get thrown into the next room as the blast goes off. Natasha groans as glass shatters on her face.

“Okay, that one’s on me.” She admitted and he just looked over at her shaking his head.

“Your damn right.” He said getting up and walking away from her. She sighed, he was a little more than angry. He was pissed but there was nothing she could do. She had her orders and he had his.

However, she couldn’t help the sinking feeling in her gut that took over as she watched him walk away. Natasha had a feeling that any strides towards trust or friendship just went out the door.

She knew that she couldn’t let that bother her. Not everyone from work she could turn into a friend. What happened between her and Clint was under a completely different circumstance. They understood that while they may be partners it doesn’t always mean that their missions were the same.

Natasha just wished that Steve would understand that one-day.

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Natasha had already received a call from Fury explaining that Steve had gone to him. Fury didn’t sound too pleased with the fact that she was caught however he didn’t blame her. She was back at her apartment relaxing for once. Fury told her that the next mission would be more at the base.

She changed into a simple pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt. She was trying to read a book when Clint’s messages for facetime showed up. She smiled and answered it.

“Hey, Nat,” Clint said coming onto the screen. Natasha smiled at him. She really did miss her best friend.

“Hey, partner how’s it going?” She asked him and he laughed.

“It’s been crazy this week someone tried to ask out my little girl! Can you believe it, Nat? She hasn’t even hit the double digits yet! But I was so proud! She socked him in the eye as a response.” Clint said and Natasha just facepalmed.

“Clint! We do not approve violence like that.” She could hear Laura scold somewhere in the background.

“Let a father have his moment. His little girl’s first big fight.” Clint said in a dreamy tone and Natasha only laughed. It was just another ordinary night at the Barton house.

“What happened to Lila?” Natasha asked and she could hear Laura groan on the other line. Clint’s smiles only widen.

“Well she got suspended for the rest of the week so I took her to an amusement park the first day and the second day we stayed at home and binged watched all her favorite movies,” Clint said and then got a pillow thrown at him. The phone was snatched out of his hands and Laura’s face took over the screen.

“Feel free to come over and take him whenever. I think he’s ready to be back in action.” She joked and Natasha smiled.

“Oh, yea Clint how did that last evaluation go?” She asked.

“Pretty good I haven’t gotten the results back yet however the doctors were pretty confident that I’ll be allowed back on the field again,” Clint said and Natasha smiled.

“Thank god, I’m not sure our marriage would survive another year of him being home all the time,” Laura said and Clint made a face.

“I think we’d be just fine.” He said kissing her temple. Laura blushed. Natasha was about to say something when Hill’s face popped up on the screen.

“Hey, guys I have to go, Hill’s calling.” She said and they said goodbye and to come to Missouri soon.

“We need you to come down to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s medical center now,” Hill said and Natasha paused what she was doing. 

“Is everything ok Hill? Did my results not come back alright?” She asked worriedly. Hill’s voice was empty.

“Nat it’s Fury something happened. He might not make it.” Hill said and Natasha almost dropped the phone. She hung up without saying anything else to Hill. Natasha put on her boots and was out the door running to her car.

She’s never driven so fast in her life. Her eyes stung as she held back the tears. Natasha didn’t even bother to park her car. She barely remembered to put the car itself in the park as she ran into the hospital wing. 

“Where’s Fury?” She panicked. The lady blinked at her and Natasha slammed her hand down on the desk.

“Where is he?” She asked again. Natasha wouldn’t ask a third time. The lady stammered the room number before Natasha was off again running down the hall. She barreled her way into the examination room where Rodger’s back was turned to her.

Slowly she walked up beside him to where she watched Fury get operated on. He looked so different from the man she met when Clint brought her back to S.H.I.E.L.D. Natasha watched them slice him open and remove a bullet. She didn’t even flinch at the blood anymore.

“Is he gonna make it?” She asked Steve. Much to her credit, she was able to keep her voice under control.

“I don’t know,” Rodgers replied and Natasha found herself grateful that he didn’t lie to her.

“Tell me about the shooter,” Natasha asked him. She could feel Steve tense up beside her however she needed to know. If Steve gave her a decent description of the shooter then it would be easier to track him down.

“He’s fast and strong,” Steve said pausing but Natasha needed more. Anyone could be fast and strong. However, the next words that came out of his mouth froze her.

“Had a metal arm.” Natasha’s mind went blank to process this information. Hill walked up beside her.

“Ballistics?” Natasha managed to choke out.

“Three slugs, no rifling. Completely untraceable.” Hill said, keeping up a calm composure.

“Soviet-made.” She stated. Both Hill and Steve turned to look at her when she said that but she couldn’t deal with that fact right now.

Her whole world was crashing down at her in the wake of Fury’s killer. Her eyes watched the scene unfold as Fury’s heartbeat dropped.

“Don’t do this to me, Nick.” She whispered.  _ Don’t make him the reason you're dead.  _ Is what she wanted to say. Natasha wanted to cry out in agony as the pronounced Fury dead. Everyone was at a loss on what to do or even where to start.

She held the tiny piece of information that would blow this case wind open. The problem is that she would have to choose her dead boss or her former lover. 

Hill and Steve walked out of the room. She couldn’t find the will to move as she watched them take care of Fury’s body. She was escorted out of the room and led into another where she could take a closer inspection of Fury’s body.

She stared at the man who had become a mentor figure to her these past couples of years. She felt sorrow that it was the man that she loved that had taken him away from her.

She couldn’t leave her past behind her anymore. She needed to find James. More importantly, she needed to find out why Fury was a target on the Winter Soldier’s hit list. She heard Hill tell Rodgers that they needed to take the body away.

“Natasha,” Steve called out cautiously. Natasha let one tear for her dead mentor fall as she placed a hand on his head.

“Goodbye.” She said softly to him. Everything going through her mind screamed that this was her fault. Fury was just another one of her victims, all because she couldn’t find the will to kill the Winter Soldier on that rooftop years ago.

She walked out of the room not saying anything to Steve or Hill on her way out. She needed to get to work. She needed to go off the grid.

“Natasha!” She heard Steve shout after her as he followed her into the hallway.

“Why was Fury in your apartment?” She asked and was very careful to study Steve’s expressions. He wasn’t trained to be able to lie like she was.

“I don’t know?” He asked and she studied his face.

“Captain, they want you back at S.H.I.E.L.D,” Rumlow said cockily. Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. She wished she could wipe his smug grin off his face.

“Yea give me a second,” Steve said politely but Rumlow only rolled his eyes.

“They want you now.” He demanded and Steve just nodded his head.

“Okay.” He said before turning his head back to Natasha but she wasn’t going to make this easy on Steve.

“You’re a terrible liar.” She told him walking around the corner however she paused to watch his movements. He watched the vending machine and put something in it before walking off with Rumlow. Natasha knew she has to go off the grid but before she did she needed more answers that sadly it seemed like only Rodgers knew the answers to. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the second part to winter solider movie out of 4. These next chapters do follow the movie the most because most of the scenes are important for future chapters. Plus I like to show friendship development between characters. I promise that future movies that I do will be more broken up. Anyway as always enjoy and lmk what you think.

She’s been waiting for him ever since he left. He owes her about four dollars but the price of the expression on his face was worth it as she blew a large pink bubble right next to his head. 

Steve turned around in shock as he pulled her into a room. She was slammed against the wall and groaned slightly as her head hit it. Natasha heard about what happened at S.H.I.E.L.D. She sent Clint a heads up to stay home and hidden before destroying her burner phone.

Natasha was already off the grid and ready to hunt down the Winter Soldier. However her biggest obstacle standing in her way was staring her right down in confusion. She needed to know whatever it was that Fury told him. She needed to know why Fury had given Steve the intel on S.H.I.E.L.D.

Natasha had to come back for him. It was a risky move however she needed to know everything before she went on her hunt for the Winter Soldier. Steve was the key to this information. If she could find it anywhere else she would already be long gone by now.

“Where is it?” He said.

“Safe.” Was her reply.

“Do better.” He said it was clear

“Where did you get it?” She asked letting him know that this was her interrogation just as much as his.

“Why would I tell you?” He asked and that stung. She had it coming. Natasha has given Steve no reason to trust her so far. She’s done nothing but lie to him.

“Fury gave it to you. Why” She asked staring into his eyes. They weren’t as blue as everyone made them out to be. There seemed to be green in them.  _ Finally one imperfection.  _ Natasha thought to herself.

“What’s on it?” Steve asked and she felt relieved that Fury didn’t tell him that much. Steve wasn’t a spy; he didn’t know how to handle information without giving it away.

“I don’t know.” She replied. Fury didn’t tell her what was on it either which was the issue.

“Stop lying!” He shouted and Natasha flinched and glared at him. Lying to him once did a number on his trust. Not that she blamed him for that, she was the same way.

“I only act like I know everything, Rodgers.” She said trying to hide the fact that she hated it when Fury didn’t tell her things as well.

“I bet you knew Fury hired the pirates, didn’t you?” He accused her and she opened and closed her mouth before responding. Didn’t Steve see that he and Natasha were on the same page? Both picking up the broken pieces that Fury had left behind.

“Well, it makes sense. The ship was dirty.” Natasha said, picking her words wisely. Fury hadn’t told her anything and that’s what stung.  _ Why this mission. Why did you choose to not tell me anything on the one where it counts?  _ Natasha asked herself.

She tried to place herself in the mindset of Fury. He wouldn’t tell anything to someone he didn’t trust. He didn’t trust her. That thought hurt, she’s been with him for years. She was going to hunt down his murder.

“Fury needed a way in, so do you.” She explained how she came to that conclusion about Fury. Steve stared at her in disbelief.

“I’m not gonna ask you again.” He shouted and Natasha realized that she needed to tell Steve something. He was out of control, not knowing whom to trust. When you place an animal in a cage they lash out and Natasha did not want to be on the end of his anger. 

So she told him a piece of the truth. She could never tell him the whole picture, it wasn’t relevant, her past was too messy, too complicated for him to understand. 

“I know who killed Fury.” She said and Steve froze. His eyes calmed slightly and the expression on his face wasn’t as crazed. He backed up slightly and she continued. She needed him to trust her; the only way to do that was to share information with him.

“Most of the intelligence community doesn’t believe he exists. The ones that do call him the Winter Soldier. He’s credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last 50 years.” Natasha said never breaking eye contact with Steve. She needed him to believe her after this she wasn’t sure if there was anything else she could provide for him.

“So he’s a ghost story,” Steve stated he was confused about the relevance of this information.

“Five years ago, I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran. Somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff. I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer so he shot him straight through me.” Natasha said, lifting her shirt to show the only scar that remained on her body.

“Soviet slug. No rifling. Bye-bye bikinis.” She added towards the end and he laughed.

“Yea, I bet you look terrible in them now.” Steve joked and Natasha took this as a good sign.

“Going after him is a dead end. I know. I’ve tried.” She stated however she didn’t tell him how many times she tried to go after him. She didn’t tell him that she blamed herself for Fury’s death. Natasha didn’t tell Steve that she used to hold the Winter Soldier in his sleep when he would have a nightmare.

“Like you said, he’s a ghost story.” She said holding up the flash drive that Steve was looking for. His eyes widened and he took it out of her hands. She offered him a truce; it was up to him if he wanted to take it.

“Well, let’s find out what the ghost wants,” Steve said and Natasha nodded her head. She wasn’t prepared for Steve to offer this as a chance to work together. She weighed it out quickly in her head however she needed the flash drive. As much as she hated to admit it, she wanted Steve to trust her.

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The mall was crowded and Natasha found herself thankful that she stopped at her and Clint’s safe house. They needed to be in a public spot where they could easily get away if they were going to find out what was on the flash drive.

She looked over at Steve and it was clear that he desperately needed her help. He looked tense and even with the glasses and hat, he held himself in a way that screamed ‘I’m on the run!’.

“The first rule of going on the run is don’t run, walk.” She said and he gave her a sideways glance before trying to match her pace. It was an improvement however it would be nice if he learned to look relaxed before getting ready to strike.

“If I run in these shoes, they're going to fall off,” Steve replied and Natasha smirked at him. They made their way into the apple store.

“As soon as we boot up the computer with the flash drive S.H.I.E.LD. will know exactly where we are,” Natasha said trying to get rid of all of the pulmonary stuff done and out of the way.

“How much time will we have?” Steve asked. He sized up all of the people in the room and Natasha sighed. If they survived this she made a promise to herself saying that she would teach Steve how to go on the run.

“About nine minutes starting now.” She said, pulling in the flash drive. Her fingers moved effortlessly across the keyboard.

“Fury was right about that ship. Somebody’s trying to hide something. This drive is protected by some sort of AI. It keeps rewriting itself to counter my commands.” Natasha said and Steve peered over her shoulder.

“Can you override it?” He asked her.

“The person who developed this is slightly smarter than me. Slightly.” Natasha admitted. She wasn’t thrilled with how much time they were losing because of the AI.

“I’m going to try running a tracer. This is a program that S.H.I.E.L.D. developed to track hostile malware, so if we can't read the file, maybe we can find out where it came from.” Natasha said watching as a map appeared on the screen.

“Can I help you guys with anything?” A man with long blond hair and a beard asked. Natasha knew that Steve wouldn’t be able to handle this. 

“Oh no, my fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations.” She said wrapping her arms around Steve in a way most couples do.

“Right, we're getting married,” Steve said and Natasha wished she could hit him over the head.

“Congratulations. Where are you guys thinking about going?” The man from Apple asked looking onto their computer screen.

“New Jersey,” Steve said as it appeared on the map.

“Ah. I have the exact same glasses.” The man said and Natasha almost burst out laughing.

“Wow, you two are practically twins.” Natasha jokingly replied. The man from Apple scoffed and made a hand gesture at Steve’s body.

“Yea I wish. Specimen.” He said laughing and Steve raised his eyebrows in confusion.

“Um if you guys need anything, I’ve been Aaron.” He said and Natasha didn’t take her eyes off the computer screen.

“Thank you,” Steve said and watched the guy walk away.

“You said nine minutes, come on,” Steve said hastily checking his watch.

“Relax,” Natasha told him as her fingers moved as quickly as they could.

“Got it.” She said smirking at the damn computer. She turned her head at Steve when the location appeared on the screen. His face went pale and his eyebrows scrunched together.

“You know it?” Natasha asked.

“I used to. Let’s go.” Steve said, pulling the flash drive out of the computer. They were out of the store within seconds and down the hall. They could already see the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents standing out like sore thumbs.

“Standard tac team. Two behind, two across, and two coming straight at us. If they make us Ill engage, you hit the south escalator to the metro. ” Steve muttered to her and she rolled her eyes. 

“Shut up and put your arms around me. Laugh at something I said.” Natasha told him.

“What?” He was confused but she didn’t have time to explain to him that S.H.I.E.L.D. was looking for tense people.

“Do it.” She demanded and he followed through ducking his head in and laughing. The two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents passed them without a second glance. Steve turned his head around to make sure and Natasha hit him in the stomach.

They needed to take the escalators down before they were home free. Natasha saw Rumlow enter the escalator however if she got Steve to go along with her plan then it shouldn’t be a problem. She knew how to push Rumlow’s buttons.

“Kiss me,” Natasha demanded and Steve’s eyes widened.

“What?” He thought that he hadn’t heard her correctly. Natasha knew that this one she was going to have to use some explaining for.

“Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.” She stated and he still looked confused.

“Yes, they do,” Steve said but Natasha took his face in her hands and pulled it down to meet her lips. It wasn’t anything special, their lips didn’t even move when they met. She just had to keep his face close to hers long enough to get past Rumlow.

“You still uncomfortable?” She asked Steve to turn away.

“That’s not exactly the word I would use.” He muttered to himself following her out the doors to exist.

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“Where did Captain America learn to steal a car?” Natasha asked him. Normally it was Clint that stole the getaway vehicle and she was surprised when Steve offered to be the one to get it.

“Nazi, Germany.” He said and Natasha smiled. She almost let herself forget how old he was.

“And we're borrowing. Take your feet off the dash.” He said and she laughed, doing as he asked.

“Alright, I have a question, you don’t have to answer it, however, I feel like if you don’t answer your kind of answer it,” Natasha said and Steve sighed. Whatever she was about to ask wasn’t going to be pretty.

“What?” Steve asked just wanting to get it over with.

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?” She asked looking over at him. Steve could feel himself turning bright red.

“That bad, huh?” Steve asked, keeping his eyes focused on the road.

“I didn’t say that.” She said. If she was being honest with him she would tell him that she didn't even want to put anything into that kiss. Natasha would tell him that she was happy that he didn’t actually try to kiss her. That she hasn’t kissed anyone in a long time. Instead, she said none of that because he still believed that she and Clint were in a relationship.

“Well, it kind of sounds like that’s what you’re saying,” Steve said defensively.

“No, I didn’t. I just wondered how much practice you’ve had.” She said and he scoffed.

“Practice? You don’t need to practice.” Steve said and Natasha shook her head. This was clearly a man with vanilla tastes. She wondered if he knew that there were more sex positions then missionary. 

“Everybody needs practice.” She told him. Natasha smiled thinking that if they still keep in touch or if they lived after this, they would need to have coffee shop talks where she caught him up on all the things he’s missed.

“It was not my first kiss since 1945,” Steve argued and Natasha raised an eyebrow. Maybe he did take her advice and go on a date.

“I’m 95. I’m not dead.” Steve said and Natasha wondered if she should get that quote on a t-shirt for him on his birthday. Maybe he could join the 90-year-old and above club that still are trying to get it on.

“Nobody special, though?” She asked. Natasha wished that he had found a connection to life now rather than spend his days alone wishing he was back in the past.

“Believe it or not, it's kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience,” Steve said and Natasha’s gaze softens slightly before shaking her head. She couldn’t let that side of her show.

“Just make something up,” Natasha said shrugging her shoulders.

“What like you?” He asked and that hurt. Natasha let it roll off her shoulders though knowing that he still couldn’t let himself trust her.

“I don’t know. The truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people, all the time. Neither am I.” Natasha said. Steve’s eyes turned to her and she realized she made a mistake when he looked at her with sorrow in them.

“That’s a tough way to live.” He said and Natasha didn’t meet his gaze. She said too much and couldn’t go back.

“It’s a good way not to die.” She said thinking about how far she’s come since she first joined S.H.I.E.L.D.

“You know it’s kind of hard to trust someone when you don’t know who that someone really is,” Steve said and there they were back to the elephant in the room.  _ He doesn’t want to know. _ Natasha told herself as her mind went to that night where the sky was painting in ash and fire surrounded her. 

“Yeah. Who do you want me to be?” She asked him curious about what he might say. 

“How about a friend?” Steve asked. Natasha kept her face blank even though something inside her clicked. She laughed softly turning her head. Maybe if it wasn’t a mission that had hit her so close to home, she would have been honest with him. She would have told Steve that she wouldn’t have minded finding other friends.

“Well, there’s a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rodgers.” She told him instead. His gaze shifted towards amusement and she could tell that he didn’t buy what she had said. He didn’t push her, however, to answer truthfully. Maybe he finally learned how to pick and choose his battles.

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Natasha studied Steve’s reactions to coming back to this place. Based on the information she gathered it was an old World War II military base. Judging by Steve’s reactions he spent a lot of time here during the war.

She watched him stare at a dirt pathway for the longest time. Natasha wondered what it was that he was seeing. Suddenly she remembered the look on his face when he was first told how many years had gone by since he went under.

“This is a dead-end,” Natasha said snapping him out of whatever trance he had been in.

“There’s zero heat signatures, zero waves, not even a radio.” She said, studying her phone in confusion. They were back to square one. She had no clue where to go from now. They could try to access the flash drive again however they would have to wait weeks and Natasha wasn’t willing to wait weeks especially not with the Winter Soldier in the picture.

“Whoever wrote the file must have used a router to throw people off.” She explained to him why this could happen. Natasha was slightly pissed at how slightly smarter whoever did this was than her.

Steve wasn’t looking at her though. She turned her gaze to a building and raised an eyebrow wondering what captured Steve’s attention so much.

“Army regulations forbid storing munitions within 500 yards of the barracks. This building is in the wrong place.” Steve said and Natasha followed him. Steve broke the lock on the door with ease.

The whole place was pitch black and Natasha was worried about what kind of trap they were walking into. When Steve found the light switch her eyes winced at the sudden light. When they opened again she was surprised to find S.H.I.E.L.D.’s symbol on the wall.

“This is maybe where it started,” Steve said and they scanned the rest of the building. Steve stopped across a line of pictures and Natasha was surprised to have recognized one of them.

“There’s Stark’s father,” Natasha said.

“Howard,” Steve said and Natasha remembered hearing about how much time and dedication he put into trying to find Cap after he went under. However, Steve’s gaze wasn’t on the man focused on saving his life. Natasha traced his gaze to the women’s picture next to Starks.

“Who’s the girl?” Natasha asked Steve however he refused to answer her question. Instead, he walked away from Natasha. She studied the woman's face for another moment before following.

“If you’re already working in a secret office… why do you need to hide the elevator?” Steve asked, pushing a bookcase aside. Natasha was easily able to hack the elevator to take them to whatever secrets the founders of S.H.I.E.L.D. were hiding. 

Natasha had a sinking feeling that this room was never supposed to be found as the light flipped on automatically. A large computer sat in the center of the room and something about it drew Natasha to it.

“This can’t be the data point. This technology is ancient.” She said however there was something a part of the machine that was created within the last five years. She took out the flash drive and pulled it into the connector.

Suddenly everything turned on and the camera started to move. The computer asked to initiate the system.

“Shall we play a game?” Natasha asked as her fingered spelled yes. She went to explain to Steve what it meant however much to her surprise he already knew.

The computer flickered on and eyes that had haunted her since she was a little girl in the Red Room came on.

“Rodgers, Steven born 1918.” He said and then the camera went and turned to Natasha. Any sort of playfulness died the second that he came onto the screen.

“Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna born 1984.” It said and Natasha wasn’t quite sure what this computer was.

“This must be some kind of recording.” She said but then the computer got angry.

“I am not a recording, Fraeulein. I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me, prisoner, in 1945, but I am.” It said and her eyes widened. She’s never seen technology like this before.

She knew who he was, however, it would be impossible to explain to Steve how she knew him without giving herself away.

“Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull. He’s been dead for years.” Steve said and Natasha remembered a list she repeated in her head every night before she went to sleep. Sickness took away the death that Natasha was supposed to deliver.

“The first correction, I am Swiss. Second look around you. I have never been more alive.” Dr. Zola said and Natasha's eyes widened trying to process all the information that Dr. Zola was saying.

“Operation Paperclip,” Natasha said and Dr. Zola took over her explanation.

“They thought I could help their cause. I also helped my own.” Dr. Zola said.

“HYDRA died with the Red Skull,” Steve stated and the computer let out an inhuman laugh.

“Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.” Dr. Zola said.

“Prove it,” Steve said and Natasha wasn’t sure she wanted him to.

“Accessing archive.” He said and images started to appear on the screen.

“HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize was that if you try to take that freedom away they resist.” An image of Captain America appeared on the screen however there was a figure standing next to him that Natasha was drawn to.

“The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly.” He continued. She tried to look at the blurry standing next to Cap however the footage was cut off. 

“After the war, S.H.I.E.L.D. was founded, and I was recruited. The new HYDRA grew, a beautiful parasite inside of S.H.I.E.L.D.” He stated and Natasha's eyes widened.  _ No.  _ She thought to herself. Flashes of dripping red ledger that was never going to be wiped clean. If this was true, everything she worked towards these past five years was a lie.

“For 70 years, HYDRA has been secretly feeding the crisis, reaping war, and when history did not cooperate, history was changed.” He said and Natasha’s face drained of color. She felt sick as she watched James come on to the screen.

“That’s impossible. S.H.I.E.L.D. would have stopped you.” Natasha told herself trying to keep her world from crashing down.

“Accidents will happen.” He said and a picture of Howard Stark came onto the screen. Natasha looked at the date he died.  _ December 16, 1991.  _ Natasha's heart stopped as she remembered a night when James had a particularly gruesome nightmare all he did was repeat the numbers 12-16-91. 

If that alone wasn’t enough to confirm James’s involvement a picture of Fury came up right after. It was Fury who had discovered that something was wrong and they sent the Winter Soldier to kill him.

“HYDRA created a world so chaotic, that humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom to gain security. Once a purification process is complete, HYDRA’s new world order will arise.” He said and Steve muttered something.

“Project Insight.” He said and Natasha nodded her head. Fury put it on hold right before he was killed.

“We won Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your life. A zero-sum.” Dr. Zola said, showing them papers that had his death written on it. Steve punched the screen and Natasha thought  _ good riddance. _

__

However, just he acted just like HYDRA, cut off one head, two more shall grow back. He appeared on another computer screen.

“What’s on this drive?” Steve asked walking up to the computer.

“Project Insight requires insight, so I wrote an algorithm.” He said and Natasha peaked up for that information.

“What kind of algorithm? What does it do?” She asked and he only laughed. He sent shivers down her body.

“The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it.” He said and Natasha’s phone started to buzz like crazy. The elevator doors shut completely. His cold calculating gaze turned on to her and suddenly she was taken back to when she was 16 first meeting him. 

“Tamed any other monsters recently?” He asked and she paled staring down at her phone. 

“Steve, we got a bogey. Short-range ballistics. 30 seconds tops.” She said angry at herself for not realizing what was going on ahead of time. Steve tried to ask what Dr. Zola meant however Natalia distracted him. 

“Who fired it?” Steve asked and Natasha let a painful smile take over her face.

“S.H.I.E.L.D.” She told him to steal the flash drive out of the system.

“I am afraid I have been stalling Captain. Admit it, it’s better this way. We are both of us out of time.” Dr. Zola said, however, Steve had different plans than dying today. He pulled Natasha into a hole with him and used his S.H.I.E.L.D. to cover them both as the missile hit.

  
  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope you guys are having a good week, this is the next chapter and it was a fun one to write. There are two more chapters after this one till we complete the winter soldier segment and I'm planning to try and get the next update out for Halloween. That's all I hope you guys enjoy and tell me what you think!

_ “Red come on wake up.” Natasha stirred from her sleep. She never wanted to leave this bed ever again. She snuggled deeper into the warmth of the blankets. _

__

_ “Natalia.” A voice called out and her eyes flashed open. No one could say her name like that besides one person. The sight that greeted her was James sitting down on the bed beside her. He smiled down at her and it made her heart melt. _

__

_ “James?” She asked sitting up. He laughed. _

__

_ “The one and only.” He said and she lunged at him. _

__

_ “Whoa, I only made you cereal. If I would have known that this is the kind of reaction I’d get from that I’d stop it with those pancakes and the smiley faces on them.” He said and she squeezed him tighter. _

__

_ Everything about him was the same. His hair was running just a bit too long again. She found that she could care less even as it tickled her face. All she could think about was him, all she could feel was him. _

__

_ “Natalia, what’s going on? Did you have another dream?” He asked and she nodded her head. James only held onto her tighter and didn’t let go until she started to shift. _

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_ “I love you, you know that right,” Natasha said and James tilted his head in confusion. _

__

_ “Yea I know.” He said softly to her. He gently grabbed a hold of her face and brought his lips to meet hers. It was a simple kiss that meant the world to her. He slowly drew his face away from hers _

__

_ She finally let the tears she’s been holding back fall and James was silent as he wiped every one of them away. _

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_ “Natalia, what’s going on?” He asked and she shook her head. If she tried to speak she would start to sob. _

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_ “I don’t want to go back.” She said and he smiled sadly. _

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_ “You have to, it's not your time yet,” James said and her eyes meet his lively blue ones. She missed the way they lit up when he was himself and not the Winter Soldier. _

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_ “I need you to hold on just a bit longer Red.” He said, pushing some stray hairs out of her face and behind her ears. _

__

_ “People need you,” James said and Natasha just shook her head. _

__

_ “I don’t have anyone James. Everything I’ve worked for these past couples of years has been a lie. My ledger will never be wiped clean and I’ll never be able to free you from your chains.” Natasha said and looked down. _

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_ “Hey.” He said using his human hand to lift her chin. Her green eyes met his blue ones and she studied his face. _

__

_ “Everything you’ve done has been because you were working towards something you believe in. You can’t believe in an idea or company you believe in people. You believed in Hill, Barton, and Fury. Everything you’ve done was to protect that belief.” He said and she stayed silent. _

__

_ “Do you remember back in those days before they ejected you with the serum when we trained together?” He asked and Natasha scoffed. _

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_ “You call that training? I call it getting my ass handed to me.” She replied remembering becoming best friends with the floor. _

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_ “Always so quick to be hard on yourself. Do you know why you caught my eye, Natalia?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow not quite sure where this was going. _

__

_ “My luscious hair?” She asked, batting her eyes at him he laughed. _

__

_ “Maybe later on however you were just this child being told to fight a monster never once did you complain about that fact. Every time I beat you down, no matter the injuries you always got back up again. There were times when I believed that you weren’t real.” James told her and she smiled sadly at him. _

__

_ “It always helped that I had an intimidating figure over me telling me to get up.” She said and he shook his head at her. _

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_ “Natalia, I need you to be strong just a little longer. You need to survive. You’re the last human part of me.” He said and her eyes widened. _

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_ “I’ll have to face you.” She said and he shook his head. _

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_ “It won’t be me that you're facing, it will be the monster that I’ve become,” James said but he still didn’t understand. _

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_ “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to kill you, James.” She said and he smiled down sadly at her. _

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_ “It’s unfair that it has to be you but you might not have a choice. I’ve become a monster, Natalia, there’s no saving me. There’s nothing good left.” He said and she shook her head finding a new motivation to live. _

__

_ “I’ll prove you wrong James, you're still in there. I was able to slam your head enough to make you remember the first time I’ll do it again.” She said and he just shook his head. _

__

_ “Stubborn as always.” He said kissing her forehead. She was ready to go back. Natasha had unfinished business left. _

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_ “I’ll save you.” She vowed taking one last glance at her lover before the whole world went dark. _

__

.

.

.

“Natasha.” She heard someone say shaking her awake. She groaned all she felt was a growing pain in her skull. Her whole body hurt, it felt as if several rocks had hit it.

“Thank god.” She heard someone say beside her. She opened her eyes to a moving road and remembered that several rocks really had hit her.

“How did we get out?” She asked him.

“I was conscious and carried you out.” He said and she looked over at him. She owed him a debt, without him she would be dead but she didn’t let herself say that.

“How long have we been on the road?” She asked and then saw the welcome sign for Washington DC.

“Am I missing something? Why are we going back to the place where everyone is trying to kill us?” She asked.

“You weren’t responsive and I didn’t know what to do. It’s not like I can bring you into a hospital.” Steve explained.

“Whose in DC?” Natasha asked him.

“Hopefully a friend,” Steve replied.

The rest of the drive was silent with Natasha thinking about her dream and her promise to James. Waking up didn’t hurt as much as it used to. She believed it was because she knew that it was all a dream.

They ditched the car a couple blocks away from Sam’s house and waited for him in his backyard. They watched him as he entered his house getting back from his morning run.

“Wait here.” Steve tried but one look from Natasha and he sighed and brought her along with him. Steve looked over at her and she nodded her head before he knocked on the back door.

“Hey man.” Sam Wilson said coming to the door. Natasha thought that she and Steve looked like a freight train had hit them.

“I’m sorry about this. We need a place to lay low.” Steve said and Natasha didn’t want to lie to a man.

“Everyone we know is trying to kill us.” She said and Sam’s eyes widened. He looked between her and Steve and she wouldn’t blame him for turning them away.

“Not everyone.” He said opening the door wide for them to get in. Sam showed them both to where the guest bathroom is.

“There is shampoo and towels here for you guys and if you need anything else let me know,” Sam said walking out of the room to give them privacy.

“Ladies first,” Steve said and Natasha eyed him warily.

“Natasha I promise nothing will happen while you're showering. If you want I’ll sit right here.” Steve said and Natasha shook her and walked into the bathroom closing and locking the door.

Natasha trusted him enough. She could hear Clint’s voice in her head and suddenly she wished that he were here. She really needed her best friend right now. She kept the shower cold not really wanting to spend a lot of time in there.

She scrubbed the dirt and blood off her skin. Running her hands through her hair with the shampoo and conditioner felt like a tiny blessing. She loved the way her hair softened as she turned off the shower.

She grabbed a towel and dried herself off. She changed back into fresh clothes that she had packed in her go-bag. When she put on her boots she missed the way they felt compared to those sneakers.

She exited the bathroom and while Rogers wasn’t where he originally was he did stay in the room.

“Your turn.” She said and he nodded his head. Natasha waited for him. She didn’t want to go rummaging through Sam’s house, especially when she didn’t know him very well. Natasha took her towel and decided to dry her hair.

Ten minutes later Steve came back and Natasha almost laughed. She wondered if Abercrombie and Fitch's hand makes his tank tops to fit him like that.

“You ok?” She asked and he smiled slightly nodding his head.

“Yea.” He said coming towards her to sit down.

“What’s going on?” He asked and she almost laughed. Her whole life imploded from the inside out. Instead, she grabbed her necklace that the Barton family had given her.

“When I first joined S.H.I.E.L.D. I thought I was going straight, but I guess I traded in the KGB for HYDRA. I thought I knew whose lies I was told but I guess I can’t tell the difference anymore.” She told him.

“There’s a chance you might be in the wrong business,” Steve said, throwing her words back at her from earlier. She laughed giving him an odd expression.

“I owe you.” She told him but he just shook his head.

“If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life – now you be honest with me – would you trust me to do it?” She asked him, staring him directly in the eyes.

“I would now.” He answered truthfully and Natasha nodded her head.

“And I’m always honest.” He said and that did make her laugh.

“Well, you seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing.” She said

“Well, I guess I just like to know who I’m fighting.” He said and she smiled, at least they had that.

“I made breakfast. If you guys eat that sort of thing.” Sam said Coming into the room. She and Steve made eye contact with each other by bursting out laughing. Sam just shook his head muttering something about heroes before walking out of the room.

“So the question is who at S.H.I.E.L.D could launch a domestic missile strike?” Natasha asked, taking a sip of her coffee. She watched as the boys ate their weight in food. Natasha couldn’t find the heart to join them after the dream she had.

“Pierce.” He said and Natasha nodded her head however when Steve said that something clicked back in her head.

2004 in Switzerland, Natasha had been tasked with an assignment to kill Pierce. The flash she saw when Pierce turned off the lights could have easily been a reflection of James’s metal arm. When he showed up only minutes later. Natasha scolded herself for not piecing things together quicker.

“Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world,” Natasha said letting her anger take over at the fact that they were using the Winter Soldier to play the part of a lap dog.

“He’s not working alone. Zola’s algorithm was on the Lemurian Star.” Steve said and Natasha replied with that mission in her head. She remembered Steve saying something that didn’t even make much sense to her.

“So was Jasper Sitwell,” Natasha stated, remembering that Steve commented about his presence even being on the ship.

“So the real question is, how do the two most wanted people in Washington kidnap a S.H.I.E.L.D. officer in broad daylight?” Steve asked and Natasha sighed while taking another sip of her coffee.

“The answer is you don’t,” Sam said walking away and then quickly coming back holding a file. He dropped the file down in front of Steve.

“What’s this?” Steve asked him.

“Call it a resume,” Sam said and Natasha opened the folder intrigued about what Sam could potentially bring to the table.

“Is this Bakhmala? The Khalid Khandi mission that was you? You didn’t say he was a Pararescue.” She asked, slightly impressed. Steve picked up the picture that came along with it. Natasha glanced at the two men in it and recognized one as Sam.

“Is this Riley?” Steve asked and Natasha felt as if she was missing a whole piece of this conversation. Due to Sam’s grim expression, she could tell it wasn’t one that should be rehashed.

“Yea,” Sam said and Steve looked back down at the picture.

“I heard they couldn’t bring in the choppers because of the RPG’s. What did you use? A stealth chute?” She asked, trying to change the subject.

“No,” Sam said and pulled out a hidden file at the bottom.

“These.” He said handing it to Steve.

“I thought you said you were a pilot.” Steve started taking another glance at the image. Natasha raised an eyebrow slightly more impressed.

“I never said, pilot,” Sam said chuckling.

“I can’t ask you to do this Sam. You got out for a good reason.” Steve said and Natasha thought it would be best to stay out of this argument. She went to refill her coffee and poured some cream into it.

“Dude Captain America needs my help. There’s no better reason to get back in.” Sam said and Steve looked over at her. Natasha just shrugged her shoulders and he just shook his head.

“Where can we get our hands on one of these?” Steve asked and Sam laughed.

“The last one is at Fort Meade. Behind three guarded gates and a 12-inch steel wall.” Sam said and Steve looked over at her again. She nodded her head, taking another sip of her coffee.

“Shouldn’t be a problem.” She said and Sam looked over at her with widened eyes and furrowed brows.

.

.

.

“Is this little display meant to insinuate that you’re going to throw me off the roof?” Sitwell asked.

“Cause it’s really not your style, Rogers.” He continued cockily and even raised his eyebrows at Steve.

“You’re right. It’s not.” Steve said, taking his hands off Sitwell who looked relieved not to be pressed up against the edge. He even threw a smirk at Steve and was about to say something before Steve cut him off.

“It’s hers.” He said and Natasha, without hesitation kicked him off the roof. She wouldn’t say she was a sadist; however, hearing him scream like that after kicking him off the roof of a building was satisfying.

“Oh wait what about that girl from Accounting, Laura, Lisa.,” Natasha said trying to remember her name.

“Lillian. Lip piercing right?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, she’s cute,” Natasha said, taking that he remembered her name to be a good thing.

“Yeah, I’m not ready for that,” Steve said and she sighed. Natasha tries to reply however a blast of air greets them as Sitwell screams crashing back down onto the rooftop.

Sam fly’s down onto the rooftop to join them after he drops Sitwell. It only took her and Steve walking up to him to get Sitwell to crack.

“Zola’s algorithm is a program… for choosing… Insight’s targets.” Sitwell managed to spit out trying to catch his breath.

“What targets?” Steve asked.

“You! A TV anchor in Cairo, the Under Secretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa City, Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, anyone who is a threat to HYDRA.” Sitwell stated and Natasha looked over at Steve in concern.

“Now or in the future,” Sitwell added and Steve looked down at him with an anger Natasha has experienced first hand.

“In the future? How could it know?” He asked and Sitwell started to laugh at Steve.

“How could it not? The 21st century is a digital book. Zola taught HYDRA how to read it. Your pant records, medical histories, voting patterns, emails, phone calls, you damn SAT scores! Zola’s algorithm evaluates people’s past to predict their future.” Sitwell painted standing up off the ground.

“And what then?” Steve asked. Natasha grimaced as she already knew the answer.

“Oh my god, Pierce is going to kill me,” Sitwell said as his face paled. Steve wasn’t having any of that, however. 

“What then?” Steve asked, he already knew the answers the pieces were displayed in front of him.

“Then the Insight helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time. ” Sitwell said softly. Natasha wasn’t sure if the confirmation that she was right made her feel better or worse. There was a sinking feeling in her gut about just how many people were on HYDRA’s list. 

.

.

.

“Insights launching in sixteen hours were cutting it a bit close here,” Natasha said, sticking her head out in-between Sam and Steve.

“I know. We’ll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the Helicarriers directly.” Steve said and Natasha could tell he was on edge.

“What are you crazy? That’s a terrible idea!” Sitwell screamed at them before there was a loud thump on the roof of the car. Natasha’s head turned upward as a sinking feeling grew in her stomach.

Suddenly a metallic hand came crashing through Sitwell’s window. The arm reached in grabbed Sitwell and tossed his body effortlessly into the oncoming highway traffic.

Natasha’s eyes widened as the footsteps continued and she knew what the Winter Soldier’s next move would be before he even made it. She jumped up the front seat on top of Steve.

In one fluid motion, she pulled Steve’s head towards the front and kicked Sam’s head out of the way as three bullets penetrated the vehicle where their heads once were. Steve pulls the emergency breaks and the car stops automatically.

The Winter Soldier’s body is thrown out in front of them. Natasha watches in horror as her worst fear comes to life.

The Winter Soldier turns his body so that his side takes the impact of hitting the ground before using his metal hand to stop him from sliding. His metal fingers digging there was into the pavement as they screeched and created sparks is a scene Natasha isn’t sure she would ever forget.

He slowly got up off the ground and Natasha watched as the mask that always represented her fears. It’s pitch-black goggles once again showing the reflection of herself in them.

She could hear Steve gasped at the sight of the Winter Soldier in all his glory. Natasha moved quickly however not having time to analyze her former lover before shooting at him.

But, before she could shoot at him a dark SUV collided with them pushing them closer to the Winter Soldier. She cursed as she dropped her gun not expecting the impact.

The Winter Soldier jumped back on top of Sam’s car and the force of his body landing on top of the car. Sam tried hitting the breaks while Natasha reached for her gun that had fallen to the ground.

She heard Sam cruse out as the Winter Soldier's hand came through the rough and grabbed the steering wheel and completely ripped it out. The Winter Soldier tossed it somewhere behind him and Natasha finally was able to grasp her gun.

She quickly shot at the Winter Soldier’s feet, trying to get him off of what was left of the roof of Sam’s car. She watched from the broken window as he jumped and landed on the hood of the SUV. The SUV hit them again and without a steering wheel, Sam’s car completely lost control.

Steve pulled her towards him as he held his shield to the door. He pulled Sam out from his seat and wrapped his arms around them both and screamed “Hang on.” before breaking the door open. Natasha watched as the car went flying ahead of them. She felt them skidding across the ground and Sam went flying away. The Winter Soldier was quick to get off the car and Natasha's eyes widened as several HYDRA agents joined him.

Steve shoves Natasha out of the way as the Winter Soldier fires at him. Steve holds up his shield just in time. Natasha watches Steve get blown off the highway. Natasha doesn’t get the chance to see if he is ok before Sam and her are being shot at again.

They run for cover behind abandoned cars however Natasha knew she had to get the Winter Soldier away from Sam and Steve. She couldn’t lose another person she cares about to the Winter Soldier.

She starts to shoot directly at him and when he fires at her she moves into the next lane almost getting hit by car however she rolls away from the car. The Winter Soldier shoots at her again and she’s forced to jump off the highway using her grappling hooks to help her stick the landing.

She runs underneath the bridge however right as she’s about to exit she finds herself at an unexpected advantage in their fight. She watches the Winter Soldier’s shadow as he searches for her waiting for her to come out.

She moves behind him and sneaks around him using his blind spot and watches as he looks around for her lowering his weapon. Natasha takes her shot and she hits those damn goggles.

She moved positioned when he ducked his head hiding from her assault. Natasha smirked as he shot with a deep anger at where she just was.  _ Good to know I can still piss him off.  _ Natasha thought to herself before shooting at him again.

She aimed them as more of a warning. She wanted him to chase after her and he did not disappoint. She smirked at him as she watched him drop from the highway landing on to a car with a thud.

Natasha knew she only had a couple seconds to lay a trap for the Winter Soldier and with not much left she used a technique that seemed to have worked before. She lays her phone out with a voice recording of her hidden behind several cars. She then positioned herself to be able to strike when the Winter Soldier attacked. 

It wasn’t even seconds later did he find her. Natasha didn’t know if she should be thankful or hurt that he underestimated her abilities in a fight. He fell right for her trapped and she raised an eyebrow as he rolled a grenade under the car.

She watched him as he watched the car explode and she made her move. She jumps from position and kicks his lowered gun out of his hands. She claws her way up his body as she landed a bit lower than she wanted to.

Natasha manages to lift her legs up and over his shoulder. She only had seconds before he would be able to overpower her. Natasha tried to strangle him using hidden garrote wire she wore as a bracelet.

She watched as her lover's face turned bright red and he tried to break the garrote using his metal arm. She yanked at the garrote trying however it pushed them back with him unable to find his footing. They were slammed into a car and she groaned upon impact. Her hold loosens and it was enough for the Winter Soldier to swing his metal arm up and grab her leg.

She was thrown off of him and tossed right back into another car. Natasha fell back onto the ground and when she looked up she saw that he had picked up his gun. On instinct, she threw her widow’s bit at him and ran.

“Get out of the way!” She cried out. The streets of DC were becoming a war zone for all to see. Civilians were injured because of them and while she was so focused on trying to get others out of their path of destruction she forgot to focus on the enemy who had no such morals about hurting the innocent.

Natasha heard the sounds of a bullet ringing before she could even comprehend the pain in her shoulder. Natasha went down gasping for air terrified at how close he was from actually killing her. She moved her hand to put pressure on the wound however it was already gushing blood. She tried to see where the Winter Soldier was, however, her question was answered when he jumped on top of the car behind her.

Natasha turned her head just in time and his cold calculating icy blue eyes met hers. He had no idea who she was. She couldn’t blame him for that; it was a miracle he was able to remember the first time.

She held his gaze as he looked at her as if she was nothing more than a target to him. While she looked at him as if he was everything to her, that selfish part of her wanted him to be alive because it always meant that there was a chance to free him.

He tore his gaze away from her as his metal fist collided with Steve’s shield. Her eyes widened.  _ No.  _ She thought as she watched them fight each other. They were perfectly matched against the other and she failed at trying to prevent this very thing from happening.

Natasha looked for a way to break up the fighting and her eyes landed on his grenade launcher. She quickly tried to rush over to it however due to heavy blood loss she was slower than she should have been and the fight went on longer than it should have.

She finally was able to reach it and picked it up when she heard a body slam to the ground. Natahsa turned to see the Winter Soldier’s mask on the ground and her eyes traveled up to meet his face. She was frozen at the look of hatred he gave them. It’s been seven years since she last saw his face.

It felt as if everything yet nothing’s changed about him. She turned her gaze to Steve who had also paused what he was doing however when he stood tall she heard him say a name that she’s heard before.

“Bucky?” Steve asked and Natasha’s eyes widened. There was no way, life was just not that cruel.

_ “I can hear a name being called. I think they're saying Bucky.” James muttered as he groaned in pain, Natlaia rubbed his back trying to get him to calm down.  _

_ “It’s ok James.” Natalia said and James shook his head.  _

_ “I just want to remember who I was close with enough to call me Bucky.” He said and she laughed.  _

_ “How close do you think you were with them?” She asked, teasing him slightly and he smirked up at her.  _

“Who the hell is Bucky?” The Winter Soldier asked before pulling his gun out of Steve. Sam came in just in time to kick the Winter Soldier down. He pulled his gun again at Steve and this time she didn’t hesitate as she shot him with the grenade launcher.

When the smoke lifted he was gone and Natasha didn’t know if she felt relieved that he was alive or disappointed as the police surrounded them.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween guys! As promised here is chapter 15 I hope you enjoy. Also shout out to the lovely crazyevildru for betaing this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think

“He looked right at me like he didn’t even know me,” Steve said, gazing down at his feet. Natasha couldn’t even look at him at the moment. She didn’t feel present in the truck they had been shoved in as all the pieces started to come together.

She remembered the snow on the ground and James telling her that he could hear someone shouting Bucky over and over again before he fell. She should have known, should have remembered. Natasha wished that she didn’t have such a code that forbade her to learn anything more about Steve than what he was willing to tell her.

If she had so much as peeked inside the file, she probably would have found a picture of Steve and James together in training, maybe even just one of James himself. All of her questions about who the Winter Soldier was would have been answered. She hated herself for that moral code because it cost her knowledge.

“How’s that even possible? It was, like, 70 years ago.” Sam inquired. Natasha stopped herself from answering him. The only thing Natasha told Steve about the Winter Soldier is that he’d shot her once, now twice.

“Zola. Bucky’s whole unit was captured in ’43. Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him and…” Steve just shook his head. Natasha looked at him. She could see the guilt in his eyes. It mirrored her own. 

“None of that’s your fault, Steve,” she told him, hoping he wouldn’t see the same empty look in his eyes reflected in hers.

“Even when I had nothing I had Bucky,” he said and she leaned her head back as the guilt consumed her. She closed her eyes hoping to get the flashes out of her head. A red painted smile. Icy blue eyes. A shot fired. And a pain consuming her. When she opened her eyes she could see Sam’s concerned gaze as her shoulder continued to bleed out without any pressure being placed on it.

“We need to get a doctor here. We don’t put pressure on the wound, she’s gonna bleed out here in the truck,” Sam said to one of the HYDRA agents. As he finished speaking the closer one brought out a taser.

Without warning, the agent turned and stabbed the other agent sitting next to them. Steve, Sam, and Natasha jumped in shock and confusion. Natasha could almost kiss Maria Hill as her head popped out of the HYDRA helmet.

“Ah, that thing was squeezing my brain,” she said looking over at all of them. Her eyes landed on Sam and she raised an eyebrow.

“Who's this guy?” she asked Natasha.

.

.

.

Steve helped Natasha out of the van and she grunted. He ducked his head and apologized as he slowed his pace to accommodate her.

“GSW. She’s lost at least a pint,” Hill said as a doctor came running to get them. Every step he took sounded like a shot being fired. Natasha tried to compose herself however everytime she closed her eyes she was met with cold icy blue ones. 

“Maybe two,” Sam corrected her. Hill turned and looked over at him and Sam just raised his hands in a surrendering motion.

Natasha was stumbling, the blood loss was too great for even the serum to help her. Her mind wandered as suddenly it felt as if she was being taken back into that very instant. She could hear the gunshot go off. She could remember the exact moment that where their eyes met. Natasha remembered the empty look they had in them, he didn’t recognize her at all. 

However what felt like hours of replaying that scene over and over again turned out to be a matter of seconds as the doctor’s hand inspected her shoulder, placing pressure on it. The suddenly pain snapped jher out of staring into James’s eyes and placed her back into the dark tunnel they had been walking in

“Let me take her,” the doctor said, trying to pull her aside from the rest of the group.

“She’ll want to see him first,” Hill said and Natasha looked at her wondering what the hell was going on. Hill led them to a room that appeared to be used as a recovery room. When Hill pulled back the curtain Natasha was almost positive that she was dead.

On the hospital bed was Nicholas fucking Fury. Natasha should have known. He lifted his head upto greet them. He looked the same, eyepatch and everything. Natasha wanted to hug him and kill him at the same time.

“About damn time,” he told them and the urge to kill him was strong but under the anger there was another feeling deep inside. Natasah stared at the man who had taken the spot as a mentor to her - who she was loyal to no matter what. All she could think was,  _ Why didn’t he tell me? _

“Lacerated spinal column, a cracked sternum, shattered collarbone, perforated liver, and one hell of a headache,” Fury told them all and Natasha winced as the doctor squeezed her shoulder together. She couldn’t even remember when she sat down. 

“Don’t forget your collapsed lung, Sir,” the doctor reminded him as he started to wrap Natasha’s shoulder. 

“Oh let’s not forget that. Otherwise, I’m good,” Fury said.

“They cut you open, your heart stopped,” Natasha said, not understanding how they could fake his death. Maybe she wasn’t in the right head space however all she kept thinking about was watching him die on that operating table. Natasha remembers the break she felt at knowing that James had been responsible. All that grief changed to hurt remembering that it had been Hill that had known and not her. Natasha thought that Fury knew her enough to know that she would always be loyal to him. A question just kept replaying in her mind,  _ Why didn’t I know? _

“Tetrodotoxin B slows the pulse to one beat per minute. Banner developed it for stress. Didn’t work so great for him, but we found a use for it,” Fury told them. Suddenly she was overcome with relief knowing that Fury’s death didn’t come at the hands of her former lover. 

Natasha froze thinkin about where James was. Did he get away? Was he back with Hydra? Did he escape? Questions played out in her mind and the secret part of her had hoped that he had recognized her and if not her then at least Steve. Natasha saw the confusion in James’s eyes. It wasn’t enough to get jhim to put the gun down however it was there. Or maybe it was Natasha getting her hopes up. Maybe he didn’t know them at all. Hydra had finally managed to break him and find the equation for the perfect soldier. 

“Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us?” Steve asked, looking at Maria. Natasha kept blinking trying to ignore the ache in her body telling her to rest. Trying to silence the thoughts playing in her mind. A part of her wanted to go after James in that very moment however another part of her knew that she wasn’t sure what she would find. 

“Any attempt on the Director’s life had to look successful,” Hill stated. Fury laughed. Of course he would be the one to find humor in a situation like this.

“Can’t kill you if you’re already dead. Besides, I wasn’t sure who I could trust,” Fury stated. Natasha turned her gaze away from Fury. Those words stung her. Natasha knew that she would never be able to replace Hill for Fury, but she would have hoped that after seven years serving him loyally it would have told him something. Natasha wondered if anything she did would ever be enough for Fury to trust her maybe even half as much as he trusted Hill. Seven years was a long time to be loyal to someone after this past week she wondered what it was all for?

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.

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_ “Sergeant Barnes,” Doctor Zola stated as the Winter Soldier opened his eyes for the first time. The scene changed too quickly for him to process anything. Suddenly he felt as if he was being blasted out into the cold. _

__

_ “Bucky no!” He could hear someone say. A man came into view, the man from the bridge. The Winter Soldier recognized him as the one who called him Bucky. Then all he could remember was the sensation of falling until he hit the unforgiving rock bottom. _

__

_ There was a pain in his arm and everything was white. However when he looked down everything turned red, and suddenly he watched as blood changed to hair. _

__

_ Green eyes stared back at him as blood-red hair mixed with snow. Her face was blurred and he had no idea who she was. _

__

_ “Comrade.” She called out to him as the scene faded into Dr. Zola’s lab. Everything was bright there. The lights hurt his eyes and when he looked down he saw the cut of pieces of his flesh. _

__

_ “The procedure has already started,” Dr. Zola announced and everything went black. _

__

_ The Winter Soldier could only hear Dr. Zola’s voice as he remembered seeing his metal arm for the first time. _

__

_ “You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. Put him on ice,” Dr. Zola directed and the air around him began to freeze. He tried reaching out but every bone in his body was frozen. _

__

Feeling trapped, the Winter Soldier lashed out and seized the person sitting beside him by the neck. In his metal grip, the man’s throat was malleable as soft clay. Guns were drawn all around him but the Winter Soldier didn’t care. He needed to not be surrounded for one second. He needed some form of space.

“Sir, he’s unstable.” He heard someone state as Pierce walked into the room. Pierce waved his hands and all the guns trained on him were lowered.

“Mission report,” Pierce barked, but the Winter Soldier remained silent. There were too many voices in his head. 

_ “Alright, Comrade.” She smiled at him - he’d never had someone smile like that at him before. Someone finally looked at him like he was a human.  _

“Mission report. Now,” Pierce growled before backhanding him across the cheek. The low smack was audible in the silent room.

_ “I’m with you ‘till the end of the line, Pal.” He could hear the man on the bridge say before patting his shoulder. He froze and could feel himself smile. He trusted this person. Who was he? _

“The man on the bridge. Who was he?” The Winter Soldier mumbled his eyes looking around the room unable to focus. Pierce initially looked relieved, but then motioned for a doctor to come over.

“You met him earlier this week on another assignment,” Pierce told him, but he just shook his head.

“I knew him,” the soldier said. Pierce took a seat in front of him. He couldn’t remember how long he’d known Pierce. All he remembered before Pierce was Zola.

He tried to dig deeper into his memory but all the pain started to hit him at once.

“Your work has been a gift to mankind,” Pierce said, “You shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society’s at a tipping point between order and chaos. And tomorrow morning we’re gonna give it a push. But if you don’t do your part, I can’t do mine. And HYDRA can’t give the world the freedom it deserves.”

The soldier picked up on the fact that Pierce never once said which side they were planning on tipping the scale to. All he wanted was to know the truth.

“But I knew him,” he repeated as flashes of red came to his mind; they were always in the background though never quite seen. The Winter Soldier knew that wasn’t what Pierce wanted to hear.

“Prep him,” Pierce ordered. 

The doctor objected, “He’s been out of cryo freeze for too long.” The soldier still didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed out of cryo for extended periods.

“Then wipe him and start over,” Pierce said and another man approached the Secretary. The Winter Soldier knew what would happen if he kept disobeying. A part of him screamed out to keep fighting however as seconds went by that part was being slowly taken over by the obedient side. He could feel his emotions disappear. The questions he once felt were slowly being forgotten as the mouth guard was placed in his mouth. Something sparked in him as one more question popped into his mind.  _ Who was she?  _

“For our sakes, keep the Black Widow as far away from him as possible,” he heard Pierce mutter to the man, who only nodded his head. He had no idea what the Black Widow was, only the fact that the color red flashed in his head whenever he thought about it.

He screamed and felt his mind warp as volts of electricity surged through him all at once. The world went black and the red grew smaller and smaller, however never completely disappearing.

.

.

.

“S.H.I.E.L.D., HYDRA, it all goes.” Steve's words haunted Natasha even hours after the meeting was over. She and Sam glanced at each other and he nodded his head as they followed Steve out the door. Sam trotted up next to Steve.

Natasha watched them from afar as he and Sam talked on the bridge. Her disguise was uncomfortable for the mission however she had worked with worse. Natasha reached for her arrow necklace only to find pearls in its place. She wished that she could wear it however it could jeopardize the mission if one part of her outfit was out of place. Placing her hand down at her side she continued to observe Steve and Sam. There were things that Natasha couldn’t leave alone. She needed to know more about the man that Steve called Bucky. She wanted to know if he was the same as the man she called James, and if they did manage to save the Winter Soldier, and if they weren’t the same, then who would he be?

“I know you're there,” she heard Steve call out shortly after Sam left him alone on the bridge.

“Old habits die hard I guess,” she offered, walking up to meet him. He turned to face her, his expression grim.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked. He was silent.

“I heard it helps. You’ll have to let me know,” Natasha said, trying again to get him to open up. He turned to her.

“Didn’t you read it all in the file?” Steve asked. Natasha shook her head.

“I don’t read my partners’ files,” she told Steve. He looked surprised, however he masked it within seconds. Natasha took pride in how he was learning to hide his reactions but a part of her wished he never had to learn in the first place. 

“Both my parents died when I was young,” Steve started, looking over the bridge railing as water tumbled under them. “Bucky’s family and mine were friends, but Bucky and I were best friends by choice. He was always there for me through thick and thin.” 

Steve’s tone softened, “You would have liked him. Before the serum, I was on the shorter side and an easy target for bullies. Bucky didn’t know about them at first but it got harder to convince him as time went on that I kept running into poles.” Natasha laughed.

“Doesn’t help that you’re a god awful liar, Rogers,” she chimed in. He smiled.

“No. Probably not. But after he convinced me to tell him what was going on, the next day the bullies came into school with two black eyes each and a battered nose. And Bucky...well he stayed at home that day because he was suspended. I yelled at him... but no one touched me anymore at school. They knew he would always protect me.” His expression fell again and his voice lowered.

“But when the time came that Bucky needed me, I failed him. I couldn’t reach him in time. When he fell, everyone told me he was dead. I believed them. I should have searched for his body. Maybe I could’ve found him in time,” Steve said, almost in a whisper. 

Natasha looked down. She could never tell Steve she was happy that he never found James. She would have never met him if Steve had found him. She would’ve never been standing here talking to Captain America about her lost love and his best friend.

She reached for her arrow necklace again however stopped when she could feel the pearls again. Steve saw the motion and his face soften a bit as he looked at her. 

“How’s Barton doing?” he asked her casually. She looked over at him, confused, before snapping back to reality and reminding herself that he still had no idea.

“I haven’t been able to reach hims,” she told Steve, which was technically true. Other than the warning text she sent to Barton, there been no communication between them whatsoever. Natasha hoped that everything was ok.

“I’m sorry. I know that it must be hard for you to be away from him for so long but I never really did thank you for becoming my partner,” Steve earnestly said. She laughed. He was always so sincere.

“I think it should be me thanking you for putting up with me, Mister-Moral-Compass,” she joked.

“I think that it’s a good thing you didn’t always let me go with my ‘moral compass’. You probably saved my life by doing that more than you think,” he elaborated. She just shook her head.

“Since we're both apparently in the wrong, why don’t we be friends,” Steve asked, holding his hand out. Natasha’s eyes widened. She didn’t think she could have a friendship with anyone besides Clint.

“I’m not a good friend,” she warned him. His hand didn’t budge.

“All the best ones aren’t,” he replied. She smiled, and took his hand.

“Just remember, you’re the one that asked for it,” she warned. 

He laughed, “I think I can handle it.”

She raised an eyebrow. “As your first act of friendship, I demand you take at least one of the girls I mentioned on a date.”

He rolled his eyes and sighed, “Alright, alright if we survive, I’ll let you find me a date.” She smiled brightly at him.

“Oh good. I’m glad you agreed because you weren’t going to get a choice,” she stated and Steve laughed.

“Is that so?” he asked and she nodded her head.

“Well I have a pretty big date I have to make, and I need to pick up my suit,” Steve said and she laughed.

“How do I look?” Natahsa asked. Steve looked down to see her wearing a very-professional-looking blue business suit.

“Now, that's what the young women wore in my days. I’d pick you up,” Steve said and she burst out laughing. 

“If you think this is sexy, wait until I show you what Wilson’s grandmother’s closet looks like,” she retorted. Steve turned and walked back to the base entrance. Natasha wondered if maybe she was setting the age range a bit too low for Steve.

.

.

.

“I’m sorry. Did I step on your moment?” Natasha asked Pierce with mock concern, peeling away the technology used to disguise her face. She was relieved to finally take off that horrid blond wig. It was nice to wipe that smug smirk off of Pierce's face for once. She stared into the eyes of the man who had been responsible for torturing the Winter Soldier for years. She would enjoy ruining him. 

As much as she wanted to take revenge for herself and for James, she knew that she still needed him alive at the moment. Natasha walked over to the computer terminal, knowing that the way to ruin a man like Pierce would be to tear down his reputation and reveal him to everyone for what he truly was: a monster. 

“What are you doing?” one of the men asked, while her fingers flowed effortlessly across the keyboard. 

“She’s disabling security protocols and dumping all our secrets onto the Internet,” Pierce answered, much to her annoyance. The mere sound of his voice only angered her more as she pressed harder on the keys than needed. 

“Including Hydra's.” She started running through another decryption.

“And S.H.I.E.L.D.’s. If you do this, none of your past is gonna remain hidden,” he said calmly. She paused. Her fingers hesitated for a second. Was she ready for everyone to see her? Dripping red and all? Natasha wanted to say that it wasn’t tempting to stop and retreat, but the world needed to know the truth. They needed to know about all the horror that had happened behind closed doors. They need to know - that way, there could be justice.

“Not Budapest, not Osaka, not the children's ward. Are you sure you’re ready for the world to see you as you are?” he asked, thinking that he had her, trying to play her and convince her that she had the only thing to lose.  _ Didn’t he know that there was only one wolf in this room? _ Natasha thought to herself and smirked. 

“Are you?” she responded. His face changed from confusion to anger as she started to add more to the files.

“Disabling the encryption is an executive order. It takes two Alpha Level members,” Pierce announced, panic settling in the back of his voice. Natasha only smiled. One day of torturing him wasn’t enough to satisfy her rage. 

“Don’t worry. Company’s coming,” she said, watching as Fury’s helicopter landed on the pad outside. To Pierce’s credit, he didn’t even flinch as his supposedly dead friend swept into the room.

“Did you get my flowers?” he asked. Fury wasn’t in a joking mood. He stared down his old friend who had tried to have him murdered. Natasha watched silently at the interaction between the two old agents.

“I’m glad you’re here, Nick,” Pierce offered again, and Fury raised his eyebrows. Natasha scoffed, thinking that sending an assassin to kill someone sent some mixed signals on the relationship. 

“Really? Cause I thought you had me killed,” Fury said walking up to Pierce.

“You know how the game works,” Pierce said and Natasha peeled her eyes away from the keyboard. She wanted to know if ruining lives was a part of the game? Holding a man captive for 70 years? Tearing him apart? Erasing who he is time and time again until he was the perfect plaything for Hydra? Natasha wondered how she could be blinded by this man for so long. The man kept James captive and she’d been working with him in the same building for almost a decade. Natasha wished that she had succeeded in killing him all those years ago. 

“So why make me the head of S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Fury asked and Natasha watched the scene from afar. Fury needed to hear this; he needed to see the monster HYDRA turned his best friend into.

“Cause you’re the best and the most ruthless person I ever met,” Pierce said.

“I did what I did to protect people,” Fury hissed, disgusted by Pierce.

“Our enemies are your enemies, Nick. Disorder, war, it’s just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow, or an EMP fries Chicago. Diplomacy? A holding action, Nick. A Band-Aid. And you know where I learned that? Bogota,” he said calmly. Fury stayed silent.

Pierce continued, “You just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of seven billion people by sacrificing 20 million. It’s the next step, Nick. If you dare to take it.” Fury seized Pierce’s arm. 

“No, I have the courage not to,” Fury said and Natasha pulled up the retinal scanning. She put a gun to Pierce’s head and was tempted to pull the trigger. 

“You don’t think we’ve wiped your clearance from the system?” Pierce asked, almost with a chuckle. Natasha smirked. 

“I know you erased my password, probably deleted my retinal scan.” Fury sighed. “But if you want to stay ahead of me, Mr. Secretary…” Fury lifted his eye patch, exposing the scarred, milky-white eye underneath. Natasha thought it would look more grotesque.

“...You need to keep both eyes open,” Fury finished. With the scan, the safeguards were removed. Natasha wouldn’t be able to hide anymore, but neither would Pierce. Every crime he’d ever committed would be exposed.

Without warning, Pierce made a grab towards his phone, left innocuously on the table. With the press of a button, all the counsel members went down as sparks erupted from just below their collarbones.

Natasha went for her gun, but Pierce was ready. 

“I wouldn’t if I were you. Unless you want a two-inch hole in your sternum,” he said and both Natasha and Fury froze.

“The moment you placed the ID tags on they were activated and with a press of the button… well, you just saw what happened,” Pierce said but his attention switched to what was happening outside.

“You still on the fence about Rodgers' chances?” Natasha asked as she watched the helicarriers destroy each other.

“Time to go, counsel woman, this way.” Pierce was visibly frustrated as he led Natasha toward the door. Natasha had a plan, but it was going to sting. 

“Come on, you're going to fly me out of here,” he said waving the phone and Natasha walked obediently, waiting for the right moment.

“You know there was a time I would have taken a bullet for you,” Fury called, and Natasha stopped. This would be the perfect distraction. 

“You already did,” Pierce responded. He didn’t notice Natasha activating her small widow bite on herself. She went down instantly as the electricity surged through her body, disarming the pin.

Pierce looked down at Natasha in shock and looked back at Fury in time to be perforated by two bullets. He dropped to the floor. Fury ignored his old friend and ran over to his fallen agent. He looked down at Romanoff in fear that he didn’t kill Pierce quickly enough.

“Romanoff?”

“Natasha.”

“Natasha, come on,” Fury said and Natasha’s eyes opened as she groaned.

“Ow...those really do sting,” she told him and he let out a tiny smile in relief before helping her up off the ground.

“It’s good to see you kid,” Fury said looking at her. She gave him a tiny nod.

“You don’t look too bad yourself. For being dead and all,” she told him and he chuckled.

“Still hurt about that?” Fury asked and she shook her head. “Well, I promise the next time I have to fake my death you’ll be the first to know,” he told her. She gave him a look of disbelief as they went to the helicopter.

“Alright maybe Hill and the doctor might know before you but you’re a solid third,” Fury stated and Natasha smiled. At least he was being honest with her.

.

.

.

“Hill, where’s Cap?” Natasha asked. 

“Rogers was still on the helicarriers as they were going down,” Hill confirmed and Natasha felt the panic set in. Her eyes scanned the water below, looking for any sort of sign of Steve or James.

Sam had radioed in and told them that the Winter Soldier had destroyed his suit and that Steve went to fight him alone. Natasha feared for the worst when suddenly there was a light shining in the trees.

“Is that morse code?” Sam asked and Natasha quickly went down further to investigate. When they were close enough the signals disappeared. She nodded her head at Fury as she jumped out of the helicopter and into the water.

She went down into the dark blue waters before coming back up. She gasped for air and swam to shore to the place where the light was coming from. Natasha saw red, white, and blue before she took off running.

She found Steve’s body beaten and bruised. He was deathly pale and at first, Natasha was scared to check for a pulse. However, when her fingers touched his cold skin, she breathed out a sigh in relief.

“Steve,” she said, trying to shake him awake.

“Steve,” she tried again to no avail.

“Natasha, what’s your status on Rogers?” Fury asked into her earpiece.

“Alive, but he needs medical attention immediately. How long ‘till you can get to me?” she asked and waited for a response.

“Medical assistance is on its way so stay where you are,” Hill’s voice broke through and Natasha looked over at Steve and took off her belt. She wrapped the belt tightly around the bullet wound in his thigh, trying to keep the pressure to stop the blood flow.

Her other hand moved to his abdomen trying to also stop the bleeding there. A morbid thought came into her mind that it seemed as though they were tied in how many times they had been shot by James Her pale hands glossed red and she tried to stop from panicking. Natasha managed to pull herself together and engrossed herself at making sure Steve stayed alive.

“You’re going to be ok. We’re going to be ok,” she told an unconscious Steve. Natasha was so caught up in Steve’s injuries that she wasn’t watching her perimeter.

She didn’t see the way a shadow froze in the distance the second she dropped from the helicopter into the water. Natasha never saw the way he gazed at her as she pulled herself from the water and never saw the pain that was in his eyes as he watched her take care of the man he’d just pulled out of water.

The Winter Soldier couldn’t calculate where this feeling was coming from at the sight of her. She was beautiful - there was no denying that - but there was something more to her than her looks.

Red screamed out over and over again in his head however when he saw a group of doctors appear at her side, he snapped out of whatever he was thinking. He needed to evacuate the area now. He refused to be taken in chains again. 

  
  



	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I hope you are all safe and having a great week! Here is the next chapter and final chapter that follows along in the Winter Soldier movies. As always thank you to my amazing beta crazyevildru. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think.

“Don’t you look all fancy,” Steve said from his hospital bed as Natasha appeared in his room. She never particularly liked hospitals, but she knew she needed to visit Steve. Sam glanced at her in acknowledgement.

“I’d say I just came back from a successful meeting at Capitol Hill,” She said. Sam stepped out of the room to go grab some coffee as Natasha bent down to give Steve an awkward hug, not quite knowing where he was hurting and where he wasn’t. She sat down in Sam’s chair.

“Yeah...I think mouthing off to them was a great idea, Nat,” Steve said sarcastically, referring to the congressmen who she’d just finished sassing on live television. Natasha could tell he was worried about what would happen next. Part of her was also anxious. Everything was out in the open - all of her crimes just a click away for everyone to judge. In that instant, though, Natasha could care less what everyone else thought of her. She had learned a long time ago that she would never be happy trying to please everyone around her. 

“Do you think they're going to try and lock us up?” He quizzed and looked at her. She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled. Natasha tried to imagine how quickly anyone would drop the second they tried to put chain up either of them

“I’d like to see them try,” She warned through a cheeky grin.

“I pity the person that tries,” Steve joked, suddenly wincing though due to pulling the stitches on his cheek.

“Thank you, by the way, for pulling me out,” He said. Natasha turned fully to him, confused.

“What are you talking about?” She asked, remembering him by the river side. She stopped and thought about how exactly they found Steve; she’d assumed that it was Steve who was flashing the code at them. Natasha’s heart stopped when she thought about the only other person that was down there with Steve in that lake. 

“You pulled me out of the water.” He said, almost asking now. She didn’t answer. as a numbing feeling set in. 

She leant in, “When I found you, you were already out of the water. Weren’t you signalling me?” He shook his head. Natasha’s hands began to tremble at the thought that it was James.  _ Did he remember something?  _ She thought and looked down; it was impossible. 

“I was completely out of it after I went under. I just remember shutting my eyes and then…” Steve paused. Natasha could feel her heart rate speed up, but consciously made an effort to keep her face blank as Steve slowly put the pieces together.

“And then?” She pressed, trying to conceal the desperation in her voice. 

“It was Bucky,” He concluded. She got up from her chair and sat down at Steve’s side.

“Are you positive?” Natasha asked, struggling to hide her need to know more. Steve looked at her bewildered. Why had she reacted that way?

“Yes. I remember feeling his arm pulling me out. He didn’t have to, but he went in after me and saved me.” Steve said, smiling sadly at his hands. “Even now, he’s still watching after me.” 

Natasha stayed silent and wished there was something she could say to comfort Steve.

However, Natasha wouldn’t lie to him. She couldn’t tell him it was going to get better when she was still hung up over a man she had met over a decade ago. She couldn’t imagine what Steve was going through, losing his best friend in such a way only to discover that he’s still alive.

“Natasha, could you do me a favor?” Steve asked, grabbing her hand. She snapped out of her trance and looked into his pained face.

“Find anything out that you can about the Winter Soldier program for me. That red star on his arm looks like a Russian emblem. Is there anyone there you could contact?” Natasha froze at what he was asking her to do.

“If it puts you or anyone in harm's way, leave it. I’ll find another way,” Steve trailed off. Natasha raised a hand to put him at ease.

“I do have someone I can reach out to. I’ll just need some time.” She said and Steve nodded his head.

“Thank you, Natasha,” He hugged her. Her chest ached again as she lied to his face. She couldn’t tell him the truth. Not yet. She needed to confront her demons before she thought about revealing that part of her life to Steve.

With one last goodbye and a promise to keep Steve in the loop, she left the hospital. She had nowhere to go for the first time in a long time, and it frightened her.

She found herself walking to her old apartment building to pack up what few possessions she owned. On the doorstep was a simple black box, a perfect cube about two feet in height, with a white ribbon around it.

Natasha looked around anxiously. With no one suspicious in sight, she glanced down at the box and picked it up. Inside her apartment, she examined the box and saw a perfectly cut card hidden behind the white ribbon.

_ ~To my darling Nina, with love - Ivan. _

__

Natasha smiled softly at Ivan’s taste for the eccentric. She placed the card down before pulling the ribbon undone. Natasha asked Steve to give her time to get the information about the Winter Soldier. The truth was that the moment the Winter Soldier had vanished after the battle, Natasha had gotten in touch with her former handler in the KGB.

As it turned out, she still did have contacts in Russia. With shaking hands, she opened the lid on the perfect black box. Blood red tissue paper greeted her and in the center of all the red was a folder, almost bursting in contents. Natasha’s fingers froze, as if an invisible force didn’t want her to touch that file just yet.

She scolded herself. If she couldn’t even touch the file, how on earth was she going to read it? Natasha was stronger than this; it was a file that held a history that could never be changed. All she was trying to do was change the future for James, even if that meant that she wasn’t in it.

She took the file out of the box and opened the cover. A picture of his frozen face greeted her. Natasha slammed the cover closed but the force blew out another picture that fell to the floor.

Natasha picked it up. Her eyes widened at the sight of James before HYDRA had anything to do with him. He didn’t wear a guarded expression and he looked so young.

Natasha always wondered when they started to experiment on him. She still remembered when she first laid eyes on him and saw how human he really was. The sight of the picture filled her with a rage that she hadn’t felt burning in a very long time. She had new questions that needed answers, but this time she wouldn’t do it alone. This time she had people that would help her no matter what. 

_ “The heart is an arrow.”  _ She could hear Clint’s voice in her head. She touched her necklace and felt a small sense of comfort. Natasha reached into her pocket and hastily pulled out her phone. She stared at the picture of James for another moment before softly tucking it back into the file. She needed time before she could open that again.

She scrolled through her phone; fewer than ten names cycled through her contact list. She tapped a familiar-looking one and much to her surprise, the other line was instantly picked up.

“Natasha, is that you? What’s going on? Are you alright?” She heard Clint’s panicked tone as he spoke. Natasha smiled to herself; she missed the sound of his voice.

“I’m ok. Relax, Clint. Take a deep breath and I'll explain everything soon enough,” she told him and Clint let out a sigh.

“Yes and soon is now.” Clint snapped. Natasha rolled her eyes.

“Or I could tell you what time to pick me up from the airport and we could talk about it then,” Natasha said.

“Deal,” Clint agreed without hesitating. She could hear him say something off the phone to Laura about her coming over soon, followed by children’s excited squeals.

“What time? And just so you're aware, I don’t think it will be only me picking you up. Be prepared for the whole Barton family.” Clint said. Natasha took a deep breath in.

“Sounds great. My flight leaves at 3 so expect me around 5:30,” Natasha said, then paused - she had to let her best friend know that her intentions for coming weren’t that simple.

“Clint, I also need a favor.” She told him. He was silent for a couple seconds.

“Always, and come hungry for dinner. Laura’s making your favorite,” he said, quickly hanging up the phone before Natasha could object.

She took another deep breath and picked up her duffle bag and suitcase, then stuffed the file in the latter. One last fleeting glance at the apartment around her was all she took before shutting the lights off and heading out into the busy streets of DC.

__

.

.

.

Just as promised when Natasha exited the airport, she saw a large sign in vibrant red letters that spelled out ‘Auntie Nat’. She smiled as the whole Barton clan came into view as Lila held the sign up high on top of her dad’s shoulder.

“Aunt Nat!” Cooper yelled, running up to hug her. She was prepared and hoisted him up with an exaggerated groan.

“When did you get so big?” She asked.

“I’m ten.” He said with a wide grin.

“Oh man, you're making me feel old.” She bemoaned as the rest of the Bartons approached them. Laura made her way over and embraced her tightly.

“I’m so glad to see you, Natasha,” Laura whispered in Natasha’s ear. Natasha hugged her close and noticed something felt just slightly strange. Natasha pulled away from the hug and her eyes lowered Laura’s stomach.

Natasha’s eyes lit up with excitement for her best friend who smiled and nodded. Laura gently grabbed Natasha's hand and placed it over her belly.

“I’m so excited for you two.” Natasha said as she gave Laura another hug. Lila called out for her aunt to notice her.

“Hey, munchkin,” Natasha said, lifting Lila off Clint’s shoulder. She held the girl tight to her chest and Lila squealed. She knew that she had made the right choice to come back to see Clint’s family. Natasha needed to be grounded, she needed something familiar.

The ride to Barton’s house was eventful with each kid yelling and trying to decide who would get to sit next to Aunt Nat. Laura and Clint tried desperately to break it up when Natasha just pointed out the fact she could sit in the middle.

All night, she could tell Clint was on edge, but he would never say anything in front of his kids. They were too young to hear about the number of times Natasha and Clint had barely avoided dying.

When the kids wanted Natasha to tell them a story after dinner, Clint drew the line and told them that she was tired from her long trip and needed some time to settle in.

“Another night,” Natasha promised. She didn’t say it would be the next day because she had a mission. Laura took the kids upstairs for bed and wished them both a good night. When the kids were out of listening range, she told Clint that nothing better be broken in the morning.

“You have a lot of explaining to do,” Clint said, producing two mugs of coffee. She thanked him as he slid one to her. Natasha took a sip before she began telling Clint everything she had been through in the past week.

“So your James is also Captain America’s long-lost best friend; he’s been brainwashed by HYDRA, which was S.H.I.E.L.D. and Fury was dead but now he’s not. Also your former lover turns out to be the Winter Soldier, who is the deadliest assassin in the world,” Clint said, staring down at his empty coffee mug. Natasha wasn’t glad for the aggravation in his voice.

“You already knew he was the Winter Soldier,” Natasha added and Clint glared at her. She took another sip without looking back at him.

“Yes, I’m just emphasizing that fact. You sure know how to pick them, Nat. And what’s with this whole shot-me-once-shame-on-you, shot-me-twice-shame-on-me?” Clint asked; he was unhappy. Natasha winced. Thanks to the serum, her wound was healing quicker than an average person’s would, but picking up the kids still made a little pain seep through the area. 

“Do you think I wanted to be shot?” She asked him. He closed his eyes taking in a deep breath.

“Of course not. I just wish I would have been there with you. You’re my partner, and I blame myself for not being put on active field duty quicker,” Clint said and Natasha shook her head.

“I’m happy you were as far away from that mess as possible. When I thought the Winter Soldier killed Fury, I was beside myself, Clint. I didn’t know what to do.” Natasha said and Clint looked at her and exhaled deeply.

“What’s the favor you needed,” Clint’s tone turned sarcastic, “besides putting you on house arrest?” Natasha picked up her briefcase and extracted the file that had been left on her doorstep that morning.

She dropped it on the kitchen table and Clint’s eyes automatically went to the front where bright red letters read ‘Конфиденциально’ - ‘Confidential’.

“What’s this?” Clint asked, eyeing up the folder.

“A lie to Steve,” she mumbled, staring straight ahead.

“I told Steve that I would need time to find the file on the Winter Soldier. As it turns out, my old handler Ivan had the file with him when he moved to the US five years ago. After Steve was taken to the hospital, I got in contact with Ivan and he gave me the copy.”

“Why lie?” He asked. Natasha paused.

“Steve can’t know of my involvement with the Winter Soldier.” She replied. If Clint disagreed with her at all, he didn’t show it. As selfish as it was to potentially hinder Steve in finding James, Natasha still couldn’t bring herself to tell him. There were some doors that she wasn’t ready to open. She knew one day that she would have to tell him but today wasn’t that day. 

“So what are we going to do with that file? Burn it?” Clint asked and Natasha shook her head taking out the black ink.

“We need to take out any mention of me,” she said and he eyed the file before sighing and reaching for more coffee.

.

.

.

Natasha watched Fury say goodbye to Steve and Sam with sad eyes. She clutched the file tighter to her body, as if she hoped that it might turn invisible. Clint and she had gone through the whole file page by page and erased any mention of her or the Winter Soldier’s connection to the Red Room.

She pulled herself together as Fury disappeared out of view. Steve looked good for only being a week removed from the hospital. When she stepped up to him, Sam gave them their space to talk.

“You should be honored. That’s about as close as he gets to saying thank you.” She told him. Steve smirked.

“Not going with him?” Steve asked, surprised. She shook her head. Natasha had her own mission this time. 

“No,” she stated hoping that Steve wouldn’t see right through her. “Not staying here?” 

She hated lying to him and hated the fact that she would be hurting Steve’s chances at finding the Winter Soldier but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth. Natasha wondered if she would ever be ready to tell people about her past. 

“I blew all my covers. I gotta go find a new one.” Natasha elaborated.

“That may take a while,” Steve teased her.

“I’m counting on it,” she said before looking down at the file. A part of her was disappointed that her will to make it disappear hadn’t worked. She only hoped that her and Clint’s thorough job did the trick at wiping away any memory of her, as if it had been in the Winter Soldier's mind. 

“That thing you asked for.” She handed him the file. “I called in a few favors for Kiev. Will you do me a favor and call that nurse?” Natasha needed reassurance that Steve wouldn’t let this drown him - that he wouldn’t let this take over his whole life like it did hers. It might have been too late for her but she could at least try to save Steve some of the heartbreak.

“She’s not a nurse,” Steve replied and Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“And you aren’t a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent,” Natasha shot back. 

He sighed. “What’s her name again?”

“Sharon. She’s nice,” Natasha answered. She didn’t give him her last name; that would be something that he would have to learn on his own. She realized that she probably wouldn’t be seeing Steve for at least the next few months and leant in for a quick goodbye kiss on the cheek before walking away. 

She couldn’t let it be, though. It wouldn’t be fair to leave him with so little, without even a warning. Ten years later and she was still trying to crawl her way out of this rabbit hole. Or maybe that’s what she was telling herself as she dug deeper. 

“Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread.” She said, her tone suddenly becoming serious and final. 

Natasha had read all the files and ever since she’d had nightmares about James and all of the things that had happened to him. The guilt consumed her every night, and she wished that they had left that one night in Romania. That he would have decided to leave with her and run away together. The what-ifs kept her up the most. But he made his choice and she resented herself for not convincing him that they would be able to hide. Natasha wondered what would have happened if Clint had found her sooner, if he would have been able to save James along with herself, and what their future would have been as agents of S.H.I.E.LD. 

Natasha scoffed, remembering that Hydra would have only gotten their hands on him quicker since Pierce would have direct inside-access to him. Another idea popped into her mind, one idea that hadn’t been blemished by S.H.I.E.LD… one where James was on a team with Steve and her in New York in 2012. 

Natasaha shook her head as an image passed through her mind of him as an Avenger. The Winter Soldier was MIA right now and as much as she wanted to go running after him to hunt him down, it wasn’t her place. She knew Steve needed this and right now she was too close. She couldn’t put herself in a position where her cover would be blown. 

Natasha’s phone buzzed in her hand and Clint’s face appeared on the screen. She grinned and answered it.

“Hey, what’s up?” Natasha asked.

“Good. Just wondering what time you want to be picked up from the airport?” Clint asked and Natasha told him her flight time. She was going back to the Barton’s to be with the people she loved, and who loved her back. With another Barton on its way, it was all hands on deck.

.

.

.

He needed to know who he was. It was a risky move. He knew that. However, no one knew he existed. He strolled through the Smithsonian, a faceless nobody, concealed by the black baseball cap so that security cameras wouldn’t be able to run facial recognition on him. 

When he got to the Captain America exhibit, he slowed down his pace.

He paused when he saw a memorial to a small squad of WWII-era soldiers being led by Captain America. He stood there in shock when he saw the face of the man directly next to Captain America - it was his own. He walked closer to the information board and found a name.

_ James Buchanan Barnes _

__

He then walked farther into the exhibit and his eyes met what looked like a younger version of himself. He studied the text on the board but there wasn’t enough information. He needed answers and it was clear he wasn’t getting them in a museum that told him he died in 1944.

Some flashbacks came to him when he closed his eyes. All he saw was the beautiful red-haired woman in the snow. She had to be a key to at least some of the turmoil in his mind.

He could only remember bits and pieces. They were fractions of a memory that he couldn’t piece together quite yet. There was a location in his head, one that held deep meaning to him. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see a red couch and the smell of burnt food.

He pushed himself to remember the name of the place and gripped the railing. People drifted by him without concern. He could feel his breath run short and his face turn red.

_ He watched as the sun kissed her body. Her hair lit up as the sun shone down on it. James thought that he’d never seen anything more beautiful. He ran his human hand through her hair trying not to wake her. _

_ “I know they say the sunrises are beautiful in Romania but they fucking suck when you're trying to sleep in,” she muttered and he laughed lightly kissing her forehead. _

__

_ He got up off the bed much to her protest and went to close the curtains fully to let her get more rest. _

__

_ “There. You can go back to sleep now, Red,” he told her and she sat up. _

_ “I’m already awake now,” she said, smirking slightly as he walked back towards the bed. _

__

_ “Oh, and what do you want to do now?” he asked, lying down on the bed next to her. _

__

_ “Oh, well, we can go out for a run. I could cook us up something for breakfast and by cook, I mean pour cereal into a bowl. We could watch TV, or read a book,” she said, teasing him slightly as he moved on top of her and slowly kissed up and down her neck softly. _

__

_ “Anything else?” he asked her and she smirked. _

__

_ “Not that I can think of,” she said, running her hands down his chest. _

__

_ “Not at all?” he asked and she laughed as he pounced. _

__

Suddenly he was brought back from his flashback when someone had bumped him walking by. Suddenly the Winter Soldier felt very much on edge and needed to get away from everyone.

He got what he needed. He knew where he was going next. He had his mission. 

  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man this week has been one big shitshow but I'm happy it's Wednesday and I get share the next chapter with you guys! Once again thank you to the lovely crazyevildru for betaing this chapter some scene would not have been possible without their input. Anyway I hope you guys all enjoy and let me know what you think!

_ 2015 _

__

Natasha took a sip of coffee as she watched outside as Cooper and Clint practiced throwing a baseball. All was peaceful and quiet. It put Natasha on edge.

The last few months had felt like an escape from reality. She hadn’t planned on staying with the Bartons for so long but one month slowly turned into three. Her plan had been to take a month off before heading on her own search for James. However, slowly, she had fallen into a routine here. 

A part of her missed the action and danger but another part of her knew that she needed time off after this past year. The first month Natasha had been plagued by nightmares. She remembered waking up screaming the first night. Her dreams were always the same; they were always about HYDRA getting their hands on James again. She remembered the way his eyes turned blank and he acted like a violence-capable sheep instead of the wolf he really was. Night after night she had to stare into his empty eyes as he was forced to do horrific things. She remembered Odessa and remembers freezing in the lake, she remembered the feeling of almost dying. 

And night after night Clint would come running into her room even though she almost broke his nose the first time he tried to wake her up. Slowly during her stay the nightmares reduced in frequency but Clint was always there. 

Recently the dreams had slowly become more bittersweet. She dreams of an apartment in Romania with an old red couch and the smell of burnt food. She remembered the idea of waking up in someone’s arms and the feeling of coming home to someone. Those were the worst ones because they showed a future that could never exist. 

Every day she fought the urge to go after him but the Barton family felt the stress of having two young children and a third on the way. So Natashsa stayed, trying to make it easier on the family by picking up Copper and Lila from school or taking Laura to her prenatal visits to make sure that everything was healthy.

Natasha knew that there were some complications having Lila so when it all came down to it, she knew that this was where she was most needed. 

However that didn’t stop her from at least helping in the search to find James. She had slowly been gathering as much research as to where he could have gone and sending bits and pieces to Steve without him knowing. 

The last time that she had actually talked to Steve was at Nick Fury’s “funeral”. There were a few texts here and there to check up on each other but he had been busy slowly trying to dismantle Hydra from within with Sam. She received updates about that as well and while they had been highly successful every lead that she had tried to find for them on the Soldier was a dead end. 

Natasha wasn’t surprised. They would never find James until he wanted to be found. Natasha was grateful that he was so skilled at disappearing because they weren’t the only ones looking for him. Hydra wanted their tool back and surely other organizations were trying to find him as well - now that they knew he existed. 

She heard a yell from outside that snapped her out of her train of thought. Natasha smiled as she watched Clint chase down Cooper before picking him up and tossing him over his shoulders. Natasha wondered if she would ever have a life like this. Her hand touched just below her stomach and she knew that it was an impossible dream. 

Natasha shuddered as the flashes took over. She remembered the cold feeling against her legs. She remembered being told that this was for the best. She remembered the numbing feeling that took over after the procedure was done. The bright lights that blinded her and the doctor's smile looking down at her, like he was doing her a favor. 

Natasha squeezed the coffee mug a little tighter, trying to take in a deep breath. She tried to escape her own mind but she was trapped in the past as everything around her faded away. When she closed her eyes, everything went dark. But then she could see a human hand reaching out to her. 

She grabbed it and was met with James’s warm face. Natasha could feel him wrap his arms around her waist in a protective manner and turn her around. Her eyes widened at the sight of the bump forming in her midsection. She wanted to believe that it was true. Natasha wanted to forget that there was just another part of her that was broken. 

Cooper screamed again and snapped her out of it. Natasha’s eyes opened quickly and she watched Clint find his son’s hiding place. Natasha’s hands were shaking so badly, she hadn’t realized she spilled coffee all over them. She put the mug down and went to grab napkins. 

Quickly cleaning up the mess, Natasha tried to take a few seconds to calm down. It had all felt so real to her. However, like most things in life, the one thing she wanted the most came at an impossible price. She could never have a life like that.She wondered if that hollow feeling would ever go away. 

Finally as her mind began to settle, the peace and quiet was broken as her phone buzzed at her side. Her eyes glanced down at the name that appeared across the top and suddenly she felt that these would be her last few moments of peace.

She answered it, “What’s up, Cap?” Natasha hadn’t heard much from Steve since the funeral; all she knew was that every lead turned into a dead end. As much as Natasha wanted Steve to find the Winter Soldier, another part of her - the selfish one - didn’t want him to. If she let herself reflect on that, she knew it was because she was afraid of what he would find. 

“How would you feel about going back to work for a bit?” He asked abruptly. Usually he was good for one or two lines of banter.

“It depends...what it’s about?” She inquired.

“Fury gave me a lead about HYDRA activity that’s been making ripples. He thinks they’re running illegal experiments using Loki’s scepter and we were able to pinpoint a location,” Steve said. Natasha was taken aback.

“This doesn’t sound like it’s a two-person job,” Natasha stated.

“It’s not.” He continued, “I'm trying to pull the team together and I wondered if you could talk to Barton about it.” She watched Clint play baseball with his son.

“Can I get back to you about this?” She asked as Laura walked into the kitchen.

“Sure, you know how to reach me.” Steve replied. Natasha hung up the phone.

“Everything alright?” Laura asked thoughtfully. 

Natasha sighed. “Clint and I were offered a job.” she told Laura and her eyes widened 

“Oh please get him out of the house, he can’t stand it,” Laura begged Natasha. The agent choked on her coffee.

“Get who out of the house?” Clint asked, emerging into the kitchen holding his giggling son upside-down by the ankles.

“You two. You guys are both miserable with a simple life. Go on and take that mission I’ll be fine,” Laura waived them off. Natasha opened her mouth to object but Laura held up a hand - she wouldn’t hear it. Natasha knew better than to argue with pregnant women.

.

.

.

“It’s time for some mind games,” Ultron told Wanda as she eyed her first target.

“Thor! Status?” Steve barked into his comm piece. Thor chuckled dismissively.

“The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay. Fortunately, I am mighty...” Thor trailed off, then was silent. Natasha focused on the fight in front of her but froze when she sensed a presence behind her.

Everyone had gone quiet. Natasha was dragged into the depths of her mind. Suddenly she was back in the Red Room walking down the great steps. The images of the dancers chilled her bones as she watched herself bleed out on the floor.

_ She watched behind glass when suddenly Madam Irene came up beside her. Natasha froze as she watched Madam’s soulless eyes stared into hers. _

__

_ “You’ll break them,” Natasha told Madam Irene as they were yelled at to practice more. _

__

_ “Only the breakable ones will break. You are made of marble,” Madam Irene whispered. The words chilled Natasha to the core. Suddenly the scene changed again and Natasha found herself walking down a long hallway. _

__

_ She found a door open for her and she tried to pull away from that door. She tried to run away from it as it pulled her in. Natasha found herself staring at the training room she went to every day in her last days in the Red Room. _

__

_ She watched as she and the Winter Soldier fought. He beat her up, constantly throwing her body to the mat with a deep thud that knocked the wind out of her every time. She stared in horror as the scene changed again, to him waking up after having his memory erased. _

__

_ Natasha saw the instant she had become nothing more than a stranger to him. She watched him toss her away from him as if she were nothing. The way he went to attack her if not for the commands of others. _

_ “Look at all you’ve done, do you really think I could have ever loved you?” He grabbed her by the hair and threw her to the ground as all her victims surrounded her.  _

_ “You’re going to burn for this,” He hissed down at her. She screamed as they all tried to grab her and pull them towards her. She pushed out and suddenly was in water. She clawed her way to the surface, gasping for air, when a shot rang out. She screamed and saw James' body fall to the floor.  _

_ She ran for him, trying to catch him before his body hit the ground. Bullets rang around them as the cold water froze her through. She reached him as fast as she could. She cried as she held his wet crimson body, trying to stop the bleeding only to realize that there was none. She looked up, confused, to see his eyes wide open as he grabbed her neck, choking her. She gasped, reaching out for anything she could use to defend herself as she felt the air slowly leaving her body.  _

_ Her hand felt metal and she stabbed him right in the chest. Blood splattered across her face as his eyes went glassy. He reached out and touched her face one last time before his arm dropped to his side. _

__

_ A look of horror contorted across her face as the light drained from his eyes forever. His body faded pale as she screamed out his name, begging him to come back to her. _

__

_ “The ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world,” Madam Irene whispered, almost maternally, as she kissed the top of her head. Her blood red lips smiled down at her.  _

__

_ “I have no place in the world,” Natasha replied, properly, as everything blurred. She could hear the things going on around her, however, she could still see the horrors of her past. _

“The whole team is down, you got no back up here.” She heard someone say and she was lifted off the ground.

.

.

.

“How’s the team?” Hill’s voice coming from a speaker pierced through the crypt-like silence of the Quinjet. Tony glanced around at the team and sighed. Natasha sat on the ground by Clint, eyes-shut completely frozen, her mind still trapped in the sea of nightmares.

“Everyone’s…” Tony paused, “We took a hit. We’ll get back up.” Natasha only started to become aware of her surroundings again. Blood red lips and chilled blue eyes became flashes in her mind and she felt as if she was drowning all over again.

“Well, for now, I’d stay in stealth mode, and stay away from here.” Hill warned. Clint rose and moved into the pilot’s seat to direct them to a safe house. 

Slowly Natasha was brought out of her head space by a warm hand in a leather archer’s tab nudging her shoulder. Clint’s dark blue eyes met hers and she had to snap herself out of it as his concerned face studied her.

“Can you stand?” He asked. She nodded her head and tried to get up, only to lose her balance. Clint caught her and pulled her arm over his shoulder to help her out down the jet’s ramp.

Natasha paused slightly bewildered by the sight that greeted her. Instead of an unfamiliar setting, Natasha saw a place that she had just left behind. She turned her head to look at Clint and he only shook his head. Natasha looked at the rest of the Avengers, all of whom shared the same confused expression. 

Stray toys had been left out on the yard where Cooper and Lila had been playing earlier. Natasha was still moving more of Clint’s will than her own, still in shock as red lips smiled at her and a metal arm grabbed her. 

_ Burnt faces stared at her and inhuman sounds could be heard as one by one bodies dropped to the ground like shooting stars.  _

“Honey, I’m home.” Clint announced, walking into the house. Laura made her way out of the kitchen and blinked at the people around the room in confusion and instinctively placed a hand on her stomach. Laura made eye contact with Natasha and gave her a concerned look as Clint helped her through the door before greeting his wife. 

“Hi. Sorry I didn’t call ahead of time about the visitors.” Clint apologized as he kissed and hugged his wife. He whispered something in her ear. 

“This is an agent of some kind.” Tony whispered to Thor, who was completely bewildered at who was the woman that Barton embraced. If Natasha's mind were in a completely different place she would have wanted to capture their reactions, would have laughed at the priceless face Tony and Thor were making as they looked at Laura and how their eyes narrowed in on the wedding band and baby bump. 

The next thing that Natasha only realized was that her cover was blown. Steve’s eyes suddenly found hers. He looked at her then back at the Bartons as he put the pieces together. 

“Gentlemen, this is Laura.” Clint introduced the team to his wife. Natasha winced at how tense the room was.

“I know all your names.” Laura said, trying to lighten the tension slightly, when there was what resembled the sound of a stampede. Natasha closed her eyes, trying to put herself together, not wanting the kids to see her like she was.

“Ooh no! Incoming!” Clint exclaimed as Lila and Cooper burst into the room just as Natasha opened her eyes. 

“Daddy!” Lila yelled, jumping into her father’s arms. Clint kissed the top of their heads and Natasha smiled weakly, one of her favorite things about Clint was how much he loved his family. 

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” Clint asked Cooper, completely ignoring the fact that all the Avengers were completely awestruck at this new revelation. Natasha turned to see Thor in a daze and Tony blinking multiple times as if trying to make the kids disappear. 

“These are smaller agents.” Tony mumbled, trying to reason with himself.. Natasha could hear Laura let out a small laugh. 

“Did you bring Auntie Nat?” Lila asked. Natasha smiled softly to herself. The red lips and icy eyes disappeared completely and she could see all the Avengers look at her. 

“Why don’t you hug her and find out?” Natasha asked as her hands finally stopped shaking, just in time for Lila to come running over towards her and wrap her arms around Natasha’s waist. 

“Auntie Nat!” Lila screamed in delight. All the Avengers’ attention was on her as she suddenly had both of Clint’s children in her arms. Natasha smiled slightly at everyone as she walked over to greet Laura while holding Lila. 

“Sorry for barging in on you,” Steve offered. Always so polite, Natasha thought, and Laura looked at her, concerned. 

“Is everything ok?” Laura whispered, as she was present for the nightmares and their effects on Nat. Natasha just shook her head slightly.

“Yeah, we would have called ahead of time, though we had no idea you existed.” Tony said. Natasha rolled her eyes and pulled away from Laura. 

“Yeah, well, Fury helped me set this up when I joined,” Clint revealed, “He kept it off S.H.I.E.L.D.’s files. I'd like to keep it that way. I figured it’s a good place to lay low.” Natasha stood by Laura's side, knowing that if anyone even tried to touch the Barton family in present company they would be dead in seconds. 

“How’s little Natasha?” She asked, gently tapping Laura’s stomach. Laura placed her hands on top of Natasha’s and smiled sadly at her.

“She’s actually Nathaniel,” Laura said with a shrug. Natasha’s jaw dropped in mock-rage and she glared at the bump.

“Traitor,” Natasha whispered. Laura laughed.

“Alright, time to try again, this time a girl please.” Natasha said to Clint. Laura's eyes bugged at the thought of having another child and Clint shook his head. 

“You had to tell her.” He said as Laura laughed. 

“Yes I won that bet, Clint. That boy is going to make a fine Natasha.” She dictated. Clint and Laura looked at each other, amused. The other Avengers were silent during the exchange, still trying to process the revelation of Clint’s family. 

“Boys can’t be named Natasha.” Cooper protested, and Natasha made a surprised face.

“Be on my side, please.” She said and Lila held on tighter to Natasha’s waist.

“I think Natasha would be a great boy’s name.” She said and Natasha smiled down at her in agreement. 

“That’s my girl.” Natasha said picking her up and kissing the top of her forehead. When she looked up at the rest of the Avengers, their faces were priceless. The idea of her being so sweet to someone was bizarre. There was only one person that stood out to her in that moment - as she met Steve’s eyes as he gave her a stare that plainly asked ‘Why lie about this?’ Great question, Natasha thought to herself. It was one she wasn’t sure she was ready to answer. 

.

.

.

_ She could hear it before she opened her eyes, she could hear his screaming, she could hear his pain. She knew it was just a dream, yet she couldn’t stop it. She didn’t know how to wake up, Natasha couldn’t tell dreams from reality.  _

_ Fingers attempted to pry her eyes open as Natasha tried to fight with every bone in her body, but she couldn’t move to defend herself. Soft elegant hands touched her cheek, almost trying to seduce her eyes to open.  _

_ “You must be made of marble, Natalia.” A voice whispered. She felt a kiss on the top of her head. Natasha refused still to open her eyes as agonized screams echoed around her. She could feel Madam Irene’s anger as her nails pried her eyes open. Natasha cried out and dropped to the ground. Slowly, she raised her head to witness the scene in front of her.  _

_ Her eyes didn’t meet his at first, her face was level with his beaten bare feet. Natasha watched them tremble from the electricity coursing through them. She stared at the different colors on his feet as there was almost no pale white color on them anymore.  _

_ Anger flushed through her as her gaze moved up; she could see the gashes on his hand and arm. She watched as both of his hands clenched into fists.  _

_ Natasha was shaking with rage as she tried to stand up and save him. Madam Irene slowly bent down and lowered her face next to her ear.  _

_ “We taught you to be better. We taught you not to love, how could you ever love such a monster?” She cooed, petting Natasha’s hair. Madam Irene moved the strains out of Natasha’s face and she finally caught a glimpse of his face, contorted in pain. She could see it all; Natasha could see all his suffering, _

_ “James,” she whispered. _

_ “A monster, a soldier, a ghost, more machine than human. You think it is capable of loving you? You think he wanted anything more from you than a warm body to use?” Madam Irene asked coldly. She grabbed Natasha’s jaw, roughly forcing her to keep his eyes on his face. But Natasha could see him, she could see the man she loved still in there. She saw the man behind the cowl.  _

_ Anger welled inside her as she finally broke away from Madam Irene’s hold. Standing tall, she spotted Madam Irene’s eyes widened, but Natasha ignored her as she moved to save the man she loved. She screamed his name. _

_ But the farther she ran the more she was unable to reach him. His screams got louder with every step that she took to reach him.  _

_ “He’s a monster, Natalia! Emotionless, cold, unable to love or want anything!” She could hear Madam Irene shriek from behind her, but Natasha knew only a human could make those kinds of noises when in anguish.  _

_ Suddenly, the whole world started to shake and Natasha looked at James one last time, whispering his name before everything went dark.  _

“Natasha” She heard and a warm hand was on her shoulder. Natasha was slowly getting better at reacting to other people, and when she looked over expecting to see her best friend and apologize for waking him up again, she was greeted by Steve, who wore a concerned expression. 

“Oh it’s you.” She groaned, completely out of breath. Flashes of the nightmare were fading and reality came settling in. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked. He frowned.

“I was in the room next door I could hear you tossing and turning, is everything alright?” Steve answered. 

Natasha hated the fact that he saw her like this. She hated to be seen as weak and hated that now two different Avengers had seen her completely helpless against her nightmares. 

“I’m fine.” She said dismissively. He stared at her. 

“Let's go for a walk.” Steve said and Natasha gave him a confused glance. 

“A walk?” She inquired. He nodded. 

“Come on, it helps me.” He said, walking towards the door. Before Natasha realized what she was doing, she was leaving the bed barefoot to go on a late night stroll with Steve. 

They were quiet exiting the house. Natasha wasn’t sure what to say to Steve; it had been so long since they just talked. 

“Did you ever call that nurse?” Natasha asked. 

Steve chuckled, “I did.” Natasha eyed him suspiciously.

“And?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.. 

“We went on one or two dates, but it’s been a little hard trying to schedule things while hunting down all of HYDRA.” Steve answered. Natasha frowned slightly; she wished that Steve would take more time for himself. 

“Sounds like you might owe her some flowers.” Natasha said. Steve rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. 

“I’m not really giving it a chance are I?” Steve asked. Natasha shook her head, though she didn’t have much room to judge. Natasha stared up at the sky, wondering where James was tonight, or if it was even nighttime where he was

Steve stopped walking. “Why did you lie to me about Barton?” Natasha paused; she knew it was coming at some point but she had no idea what to say. There had been such a web of lies spun she had no idea how to untangle herself from it. 

“I guess we're both like that in that way, never really giving anything else any chances.” She said and Steve gave her a curious stare. Natasha wanted to tell him everything right then and there but couldn’t, how could she even begin to explain everything in this moment? She decided silence was best, letting him think and come up with his own questions. The more she gave the harder it would be for her to hide the truth. 

“You lost someone.” Steve said, more a statement than a question. Natasha stayed silent. She continued to look up at the sky, thinking about her Soldier. 

“James.” Steve said after another moment of silence. Natasha’s head snapped down. 

“What did you say?” Natasha asked, trying to keep her tone flat as to not betray the panic that suddenly filled her. How would he know? Did they miss something in the file? Did Steve find out something when searching for him? 

“You called out for James in your sleep, I first heard it that night when you were knocked out in the old S.H.I.E.L.D. base a year ago. I wasn’t sure I heard it then, it was a whisper, but tonight I could hear it clear as day. You said the name ‘James’ tonight right before I woke you up.” He elaborated. Natasha saw an old pain reflect back into her own. 

Natasha had no words, she didn’t know what to say. How could she? She’d been lying to his face for a whole year. Who could say that he would believe her if she finally told him the truth. 

“Steve I’m-” He cut her off with a wave of his hand. 

“It’s ok, Nat, really, whoever this guy was you don’t have to open up to me about it till you're ready.” Natasha was confused at first about what Steve was talking about.  _ Why isn’t he getting angry?  _ She thought to herself. Then it hit her. 

_ He had no idea James was Bucky. _

Natasha almost broke down in laughter. He was so close to the truth, he couldn’t put the final piece in place. Maybe all those years of practice at hiding her feelings worked too well, because in this moment she thought she was being blatantly obvious. 

“But know that if you ever need someone to talk to. I’ll be there.” Steve said and Natasha gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. The night time air was slowly getting to her as the haunting cries of James’s pain filled her ears. 

She silenced them thinking that they had other problems to worry about. They had Frankenstein's creation gone wrong to deal with and she knew that James was safe, at least for now. 

.

.

.

Natasha walked around the brand new Avengers facility. She found herself in a training room surrounded by all-natural light and remembered one much similar. She smiled; her phone was on a constant buzz.

The inevitable had come to pass: Laura had given birth to a baby boy. Natasha watched her nephew in a video wave at her. She scrunched her nose up at the name, Nathaniel. 

“Fat.” She muttered to herself out of protest that he was a boy. Natasha knew that she would love that child and protect him with every bone in her body but for today at least, she could dream of one day convincing him that Natasha was a gender-neutral name. She wanted to visit soon, but work kept her busy upstate. Natasha knew that she couldn’t keep running away to the Bartons’, especially with a new baby on board.

The Avengers had to come first for the time being. She couldn’t hide anymore from her past. They needed to finish the battle that started in World War II. They needed to destroy HYDRA once and for all. 

“You want to keep staring at the wall, or do you want to go to work? I mean, it *is* a pretty interesting wall.” Steve said cheekily, practically materializing behind her.

“Sorry. I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes.” Natasha retorted. Steve snorted at her and they walked down the hallway together.  _ It’s nice being back here, in a weird way,  _ Natasha thought to herself. She was finally able to take some things into her own hands.

“So how do we look?” she asked him as they walked together down the hallway. 

“We still have to deal with Hydra but right now our goal should be training the new recruits,” Steve said handing her a tablet with a list of names of people signed on for the avengers.

“We’ve got some hitters,” Natasha said, pleased, though it wasn’t enough for Steve for them to be good individually.

“They're good but they're not a team,” Steve declared. Natasha smirked, thinking that that wouldn’t take long.

“Let’s beat them into shape,” she said, opening the doors that led them to where Rhodes, Sam, Vision, and Wanda were waiting. Natasha watched them turn and smiled. She was finally forging her path.

.

.

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_ 1991 _

__

The room was dark. The only light coming in the room was the low green glow of technology. The Winter Soldier screamed as HYDRA dug into his brain. They picked and pulled at it until they were satisfied.

He watched with broken eyes as they brought out the red book with a black star on it. He heard them say the words that made any soul left in the Winter Soldier vanish.

_ “Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car.”  _ The military man paused as he watched the light from the Winter Soldier’s eyes drain of any emotion. There was no pain or anguish in his eyes anymore. Only a deep void that nothing would be able to fill.

“Good morning, Soldier,” he said after a couple of seconds.

“Ready to comply,” the soldier said in a barren tone.

“I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses,” He said, laying a dossier next to the Soldier’s metal arm. And like the good soldier he was trained to be, he completed his mission without hesitation, not even when an innocent dying woman called for her husband that he had just killed. 

  
  



	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope you guys are having a great week! These next few chapters are going to cover Civil War before I split away from the films for a bit so not immediately going into Infinity War. Once again thank you to my lovely beta crazyevildru. Anyway I hope you guys all enjoy and let me know what you think.

_ 2015 _

The night was dark and the streets quiet. The air was cold and a hollow feeling lurked in James the closer he got to his destination. Apartment after apartment he’d hunted, none of them matched. But this...this felt familiar.

He’d walked this path before. He couldn’t remember much but his gut instincts were never wrong. Clutching his duffel a little closer to his chest, James journeyed towards a less populated part of Romania. It was late. Or was it early? He’d lost track of time, desperately searching for something, anything to help him remember. 

James didn’t have much but everything he did have was in a little black notebook. Every night, flashes would come back to him as he drifted in and out of sleep. He had to be quick enough to write them down when they jolted him awake or else they would be gone. He dreamt of the military. He dreamt of shredded flesh and blood where an arm should’ve been. He dreamt of red hair that glowed as the sun hit it. 

Never her face though, he could never see it no matter how hard he pushed himself. James woke up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor, completely unable to move, as he pushed himself to try and remember her. 

Finally he found the old, battered apartment building. It didn't look like much but he let his body take over as if it were on autopilot. The door was unlocked like always. This area wasn’t known for its building security.

He climbed up the foyer staircase and almost instinctively looked down at the floor. It looked as if it hadn't been cleaned since he last lived here. The night sky was fading away, replaced by a low glow, as James climbed flight after flight until he suddenly stopped and turned down a dim hallway. 

He eyed the double-door at the far end and quickened his pace. With his metal hand, he reached for the one facing the east side and opened it. 

James’s head ached at the familiar sighting. An old, battered couch was there to greet him. Slowly, almost reverently, he crept around.

The only change that had been made was turning it into two apartments instead of one. He moved into the kitchen and, for a second, James thought he could almost smell the haunting scents of burnt food. He turned and was momentarily blinded by a sudden influx of sunlight through the kitchen window.

_ “Comrade,”  _ He could hear a voice call out to him. When he blinked, it was gone and the hollowness set back in. James stared at the abandoned apartment, wondering why a part of him believed that after all this time she might still be there. 

He looked out at the sunrise. He thought he’d never seen a prettier sunrise. The only thing that could make it better, he thought, would be to have blinding red hair shine in it. 

.

.

.

_ 2016 _

Natasha finally broke a sweat as Wanda was able to land a punch on her stomach. She grunted but took the opportunity to hook her leg under Wanda’s and deftly flip her over. Wanda’s body hit the mat with a thud and she groaned. 

“What did I leave open this time?” She demanded, frustrated, and before Natasha could answer, a familiar voice from the doorway called out. 

“You left your legs wide open,” Clint called over. Natasha and Wanda whipped their heads around. He smiled at them. In his arms was little Nathaniel. Natasha let Wanda catch her breath as she hopped out of the ring to meet Clint at the door. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked, giving him a hug before appropriating baby Nate out of his arms. Wanda groaned and sat up before gingerly making her way over to them. 

“I thought I would stop by since it’s been awhile.” He replied, smiling warmly. “How’s training?” 

Natasha ignored Wanda’s glare and kept playing with her nephew.

“I’ve got a hardass for a trainer but not too bad.” Wanda replied with her hands on her hips. Natasha let the comment go. In truth, Natasha knew that she had been going hard with the new recruits. She had smashed Sam’s nose a few times the past year though she swore they were always on accident. He had been gone the past week on a solo mission to gather information on a new Hydra lead. 

That left all of her attention for Wanda, who was starting to feel the pressure. When she first started training, Wanda had almost no upper body strength and had a stubborn habit of over-relying on her powers. Nat knew that in a 1-on-1 fight without any other influences Wanda could stand on her own, but she still insisted that Wanda had some amount of martial prowess. 

Wanda had improved greatly since they started, and while she might not be able to beat Natasha hand-to-hand, she could give Sam a run for his money. 

Natasha remembered an evening where they took Wanda to a junkyard to test the limits of her abilities and see how much she could handle. They had been there for hours on end and Natasha swore that she smelled like shit for weeks after. 

It might not have been her cleanest idea but they were able to safely test her powers and diagnose her strengths and weaknesses, things that they couldn’t afford to wait until a real fight with real consequences to deduce.    
  


Natasha felt a small hand wrap around a loose hair that had fallen out of her braid and grinned down at baby Nate as he twisted it around his fingers.

“You got lucky, this one here used to start at the crack of dawn. Plus I guarantee you that you’ll get to beat her one day.” Clint attested. Natasha scoffed. 

“Right. And have you ever been given that chance?” Natasha asked dubiously. Clint raised an eyebrow. Wanda slowly backed away. 

“I could do it.” Clint affirmed. Natasha smirked, nodding her head at the ring. 

“For old times sake? I might need a reminder about that time you beat me. I don’t quite remember it.” She replied.

“Well I’m trying to be a responsible parent to my son.” Clint said. 

“Chicken,” Natasha scoffed. He sighed and glared at her and she knew he couldn’t resist. 

“Fine. Get your ass in the ring.” Clint growled. “Son, you're going to remember this day as the day I put your Aunt Natasha in her place.” Natasha handed baby Nate to Wanda, who watched them in amusement.

“Hope you did your stretches today.” Natasha smirked, climbing into the ring. 

“Give me your worst.” He ordered. She lunged. Clint knew how to annoy her but she knew all the right places to hit him. 

She kicked him in the stomach. He grunted but grabbed her legs and flipped her. She caught herself with her hands and flipped back up. He smirked and took another jab which she blocked. He threw another punch and again she blocked. 

She used the opportunity to punch him in the stomach but he moved with the punch to dull the blow and grabbed her arms and flipped her on the ground. She yanked him down with her and she rolled, giving space. She finally jumped on him but he was expecting it and threw her off of him. 

“You're going to have to try harder than that.” He laughed. She grinned savagely up at him, using her arms to flip herself up and kick her legs outward. They connected with his stomach and knocked him to the mat with a heavy thud. 

Natasha forgot what it was like fighting against Clint. They hadn’t trained together in so long. She missed that feeling of familiarity with a person. Natasha was crouched, ready to see if he would get back up again before standing up. He landed almost in the exact same place Wanda was before he came in. 

“I hate you.” He said, out of breath. She ignored him, not even offering a hand to help him up.

“You're out of practice.” She said dismissively, deliberately stepping over him to make her way over to Wanda and baby Nate. She held out her arms and Wanda handed him off. Natasha gently cooed and smiled when the baby cooed back.. 

Natasha clutched him close and pointed at the spot on the mat where Clint had landed. “That little divot in the floor there is where I dropped your dad’s ass.” Natasha said in an overly-cute voice. “Look, Nathaniel! Now you can always see how badly I beat your daddy!” Nathaniel giggled and flashed a delighted gummy smile.

“I know! Don’t you love watching your daddy get beat up!” She laughed. She saw Wanda give her a curious look. 

“What is it?” Natasha asked and Wanda smirked.

“You always do that thing.” She said. Natasha looked at her in confusion and bounced the baby on her hip. 

“What thing?” She asked.

“That thing you do when you're fighting.” Wanda said, trying to crouch down to show it. 

“I don’t do that.” She said in bewilderment. She looked over at Clint for help. He was grinning ear to ear. 

“No. You totally do that; it’s your fighting pose. You're a poser.” Clint answered. Her jaw dropped. 

“I’m not a poser,” She was almost wounded as she looked between the two of them. 

“No, you totally are.” Wanda said with a snicker. Natasha tried to think of where she’d first seen that move. She’d been doing it for so long, 

Flashes of the bridge came to mind but there were much older memories of that move. She remembered a fighting ring and the feeling of looking up into soulless goggles that stared back at her.

Natasaha almost laughed. After all this time she still used his moves without realizing it. Clint gave her a curious look; he wouldn’t understand. To him, she’d always been the architect of that move and he’d never met the Winter Soldier in battle. Natasha couldn’t picture it. She never wanted to imagine Clint and James going against each other. Washington two years ago with Steve and Sam was bad enough. 

Steve appeared and broke her out of her trance. He had a grim look on his face and Natasha knew it meant that Sam couldn’t find anything on his mission about James.

“Clint.” He tried to mask his aggravation with an attempt at a warm smile as he shook Barton’s hand. Steve was visibly tense and Natasha knew she was not going to like the news that he brought with him.

“I hate to cut the reunion a little short, but we have a lead on Rumlow.” Steve informed them. Natasha stayed silent and Clint looked over at her. While Rumlow’s betrayal didn’t come as too much of a shock to them, his vanishing act at the hospital certainly had. While his first year on the run had been mostly quiet, there had recently been spikes in Hydra activity with Rumlow presumed to be calling shots under the alias ‘Crossbones’.

But the hunt for the Winter Soldier was on-going. Wherever James was, Natasha just wanted him to stay hidden. With S.H.I.E.L.D. being torn to pieces from the inside out by Hydra, it would be almost impossible to keep him safe if he decided to go out in the open. 

While her days were spent training the recruits, most of her nights were spent endlessly on how to find him. Steve thought that she was doing it as a favor to him. He didn’t realize what a selfish person she was. He had no idea the depth of the lies she’d spun him. 

“Does that mean a lead on the Winter Soldier?” Clint asked. Natasha turned her head and glared at him. 

“Not that I know anything about that.” He added. Steve grinned slightly but it never reached his eyes. The past year had worn thin on all of them. Constant missions in between the full time job of training - there was never a break. Natasha could tell that Steve needed one even though he would never admit it. 

“Not that we're aware. Seems like it’s just Rumlow right now, but we need to leave right away.” Steve said, giving Natasha an apologetic look. She smiled sadly at Nathaniel and kissed on the top of his head.

“It was good seeing you, Clint.” She reluctantly handed Nathaniel back to him. Natasha wished that she had more time to visit the Bartons but the blocks of adequate time were few and far between. She was pretty sure that Clint had bribed almost all of his children to get her to visit at some points. 

“Hey, you better visit soon,” Clint told her, looking her in the eye and giving her a hug. Part of Natasha was glad that Clint was out of this life. He could spend time with his family and not go to work wondering if he might leave his kids fatherless or his wife a single mother of three. Another part, a selfish one, missed her partner in crime.

“I’ll see when I’m free.” She answered, letting go. She let Wanda say goodbye to Clint and Nate as she walked over to Steve. 

“Where are we going this time?” She asked. He tried to smile as a means of cushioning the news; she knew that she wasn’t going to like it.

“Lagos.” 

She groaned. Of course Rumlow would pick there of all places. Something nagged at her - she couldn’t help but have a bad feeling about the assignment, or any assignment involving Hydra. 

.

.

.

The streets were quiet as Natasha watched from her seat at the coffee shop. Her spot to hide in plain sight was multi-purpose. She could scout the surroundings, and she desperately needed coffee after working hours on end with the new recruits. 

She took a sip. There was a bad feeling that she just couldn’t shake. Her eyes scanned over the crowd once again. Natasha’s gut was never wrong. 

Her eyes landed on a familiar-looking girl in a baseball hat, and kept her face completely blank, not looking at the girl for very long before staring elsewhere. Natasha would have to remember to tell Wanda that wearing a black baseball hat that doesn’t match your outfit makes you stand out more.

It was secondary and could be addressed later, she thought. Her gaze returned to her coffee. Natasha's eyes behind shaded sunglasses were doing a constant sweep of the perimeter and she had accumulated all the information she’d need

“All right, what do you see?” Natasha asked through the earpiece. It was both an exercise for the fledgling Avenger, and she wanted to know if there was something she had missed in her scan. 

Wanda’s soft voice sounded in reply, “Standard beat cops in a town with a decent bank; it’s a good target.” Natasha thought it was a good initial offering, but Wanda was forgetting an environmental factor.

“There’s an ATM in the southern corner, which means…” Natasha began, trying to lead her to what she needed to look for. 

“Cameras.” Wanda replied. Natasha could sense the annoyance in her voice. She appreciated that Wanda was pushing herself to be better at the aspects of the job that couldn’t be achieved with telekinesis.

“Both cross streets are one way.” Sam added on his earpiece. Natasha nodded her head. Sam had more experience with this mission stage than Wanda. He was up high to better-spring into action with his wing suit if needed. Natasha used the reflection of her phone to see Sam’s location.

Wanda needed to work on her environmental awareness. She needed to be able to study a scene with one glance and be able to tell Steve everything about it, down to the small otherwise-insignificant details that could be everything when it came to executing a mission.

“So compromised escape routes.” Wanda clarified.

“Means that our guy doesn’t care if he’s seen or not. Now look at that car over there.” Natasha directed. She wanted eyes on a blue car that she noticed instantly with one glance. 

“Yeah the blue one? It’s cute.” Wanda said with a glance at it. Natasha rolled her eyes.

“It’s also bulletproof, which means private security, which means more guns, which means more headaches for somebody. Probably us.” Natasha said, filling in the gaps for her.

“You guys know I can move things with my mind right?” Wanda asked. 

Natasha wanted her to be mindful of her powers and when they were useful. “Looking over your shoulder needs to become second nature.” Natasha instructed.

“Anybody ever tell you that you’re a little paranoid?” Sam’s voice broke the tenseness. 

Natasha bit down a smile. “Not to my face. Why? Did you hear something?” She took another sip of coffee. The bad feeling only increased with every second that passed in the coffee shop. 

.

.

.

_ “Sergeant. Three-two-five-five-seven.” The numbers repeated over and over again as he stared blankly up at the ceiling. He could barely see a thing, he couldn't comprehend what was going on in the world around him. James heard gunshots and wondered if the whole world around him was burning. He wondered if this would be the end for him. Suddenly his eyes were met with a face that looked familiar, but it couldn’t be... _

_ A name flashed to his mind but it couldn’t have been right, it couldn’t be Steve. He tried to think about his old friend. It wasn't possible. Steve wasn’t even allowed in the army. He had too many illnesses; he was too small.  _

_ But he knew that face, even if it had changed.  _

_  
_ _ “Bucky!” He heard him say and it made him even more confused.  _

_ “Steve?” He asked as he felt the chains that bound him start to loosen.  _

_ “Come on, it’s me, it’s Steve,” The man said, again shaking him. He blinked in confusion.  _

_ “Steve.” He repeated again before he was being lifted off the table. Steve couldn’t do that. James looked at his old friend in confusion as suddenly other flashes took over. The whole world changed around him and he was back on the bridge holding a gun to the same man.  _

_ “Bucky?” The man asked with a stunned look on his face. Every instinct in James told him to pull the trigger, but he froze. _

_ Why wouldn’t his finger move? Why couldn’t he pull it?  _

James bolted up from his mattress. His breathing was heavy as he blinked rapidly, trying to remember, trying to bring it back. He grabbed the black notebook by his bed and opened the blue section. James scribbled down his dream trying to bring it all back to him. 

Slowly, with tired eyes, he finished. He wasn’t sure if it was everything but he hoped it was enough. The blue section part of his notebook was filling up more and more every night. 

But there was another section, one that began to be filled in more recently. He looked at the apartment as the ghosts of memories spun around him. Everywhere he could feel her. In the scent of the kitchen, in the cracks of the walls, in the window as sunlight shined in. 

James calmly stood up off his mattress and moved to the couch to turn on the old, beaten-up TV. He was greeted by the news, which reported an accident in Lagos.

James’s eyes widened at the sight of it as more and more news was coming in. He saw Steve standing with a completely helpless look on his face as he watched the fire. There was the annoying guy with the wings flying around, trying to get people out. 

Lastly he saw a girl that was new, drop to the ground, complete horror on her face as she covered her mouth. He saw another woman with bright red hair race over to the girl, taking her completely into her arms and covering her face from the cameras. He recognized the woman with the red hair, she worked with Steve. He remembered shooting her and winced slightly at the memory.

Her back was turned to the camera but the angle was constantly changing. He watched as she blocked the girl from every angle the camera tried to capture as she held the girls face to her chest. 

James could see her whisper something in the girl’s ear and the girl shook her head. The woman shouted something at Steve, who finally snapped out of it and ran over to them. 

The screen changed to a news reporter and James read the heading,

“Avengers Indictment?” 

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.

.

“...but while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some… who prefer the word  _ vigilantes. _ ” Secretary Ross began as he stood at the head of a conference table that the group sat around. Natasha glanced over at Stark. What was his endgame for bringing the Secretary of State to the Avengers’ base. Stark didn’t meet her eyes.

“And what word would you use?” She asked, turning back to Ross to study his facial expressions.

“How about ‘dangerous’?” He leaned forward slightly and looked directly at her, like he’d never felt it was more important she comprehended what he had to say. This was not a man who could be backed down. “What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind?” He queued up a holo-screen behind him.

Footage of the Avengers’ confrontations proceeded, including all the destruction that followed. Natasha didn’t flinch or look down as civilians screamed in terror; she was used to seeing herself do monstrous acts.

“Alright, that’s enough.” Steve said quietly but firmly after a particularly grisly image from Lagos. Secretary Ross took a step back away from the videos.

His face turned grim. “For the past four years, you have operated with unlimited power and  _ no  _ supervision. That’s an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But I think we have a solution.” He slid a paper booklet towards Wanda, who looked especially ashamed. She blamed herself for what happened in Lagos.

“The Sokovia Accords. Approved by 117 countries, it states that Avengers shall no longer be a private organization. Instead, they will operate under the supervision of the United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary.” Secretary Ross explained.

“The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place. I feel that we’ve done that.” Steve said without looking up. Natasha gazed over at him with sad eyes. She already knew that there was no way he’d sign this. She knew that he would never let his freedom to take action be taken away. 

“Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now?” Ross asked calmly. Steve looked up to meet his gaze. “If I misplaced a couple of 30 megaton nukes, you can bet there’d be consequences.” Steve remained silent. “Compromise. Reassurance. That’s how the world works. Believe me,” He said, almost a warning now, “This is the middle ground.” 

Rhoadey laid his hand on top of the booklet. “So, there are contingencies?” Natasha silently applauded his doomed attempt at using his military ethos to earn some concessions from Ross. 

“Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords,” Secretary Ross stated. Steve turned around to look over at Tony who was being uncharacteristically quiet.

“Talk it over,” Secretary Ross finished with one last sweep of his eyes around the table. Natasha knew that there wouldn’t be much talking when it came to this. 

“And if we come to a decision you don’t like?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

“Then you retire.” He said bluntly before leaving the room.

Sam and Rhodes snipped back and forth at each other, both at a loss for what to do. Vision attempted to offer counsel. Natasha sat and observed as Steve read the Accords, page by page, the old-fashioned way. She turned her gaze to Stark who had moved to a couch, a hand over his eyes.

“Tony. You are being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal,” Natasha stated. He took his hand off his eyes and she caught a glimpse at his tortured expression. The cool, dry persona was absent.

“That’s because he already made up his mind,” Steve said coldly. Natasha grimaced; this was not going to end well.

“Boy, you know me so well,” Tony piped up and Steve glared at him. He tried to make a light comment but gave up on it quickly. She watched Tony’s expression turn to guilt at the mention of a kid that died in Sokovia in the aftermath of Ultron’s world-ending plan. She was silent, already forming a plan and she knew she was on her own for this one. Natasha knew that Steve would never give up his freedom. She hoped that he wouldn’t resent her too much for what she was about to do.

“Maybe Tony’s right.” She chimed. Tony turned a confused glance at her. They all assumed that she would be on Cap’s side and her sudden input shocked the whole room silent. Natasha knew that she had to do this; she had to pick a side. 

She had no idea who was right and wrong. What she did know was that at the end of the day, hunting down the Winter Soldier was eventually going to be made a priority by the government. It was only a matter of time and Natasha would have rather been in the room making decisions on what to do and potentially getting all the information she needed to find him and hide him. 

Her thought process was miles ahead of Steve’s. It would be his downfall. He never thought about what could be gained from joining the other side. He was a soldier, not a spy. 

She knew that she would be on her own for this. Natasha knew that Steve could never play the part to go along with it. She had to make it believable that she was on Stark’s side. She could feel Wanda’s eyes on her already, the hurt showing in them. Natasha wanted to tell her but again, it had to be believable. She had to become the enemy in their eyes. 

Natasha only hoped that one day, they'd know that she had to be the double agent. That she had to do it in order for them to find James first. When the hunt to find James started she wanted Steve to be the one to find him and Steve wasn’t going to be able to do it alone. He needed the UN’s resources but he didn’t see that. The noble fool was too blinded by his moral compass. 

“If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take off-“ she said before Sam cut her off. The look of betrayal shown through his features.  _ Good,  _ she thought to herself. This whole thing needed to be believable.

“Aren’t you the same woman that told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?” He asked skeptically. He was clearly upset. They all were, she had been training by their sides for almost a year. She could imagine the face-slap this must have felt like. Steve didn’t even look at her.  _ Good, _ she thought. It was believable. 

“I’m just…reading the situation. We have made some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back.” Natasha stated. Tony looked at her, trying to calculate her motives. Everything she said made sense. She was playing her cards, not showing him her full hand. Especially not the card up her sleeve.

“Focus up,” Tony said, leaning on the table next to her, “I’m sorry. Did I just mishear you or did you agree with me?” Tony asked. His body language was easy, like he was messing around, however his eyes gave away a seriousness. Natasha knew what she said next would be the determining factor on if he trusted her or not. 

“Oh, I want to take it back now,” She said, playing off his joke.

“No, no, no. You can’t retract it. Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed. I win.” Tony announced and Natasha knew that she won. Tony again looked at her oddly, a small part of him still couldn’t believe she took his side. Her eyes scanned the room and everything was as it should be. She was the enemy in the eyes of those that she was closest to. Her eyes landed on Steve and she could see him stare at his phone and his face turned blank. 

“I have to go.” Steve was barely audible. He hurried to get up and leave and Natasha’s eyes followed him as he rushed out of the room.

.

.

.

She watched him from afar at first, giving him the space he needed. Natasha had been on her way to Vienna when she first heard the news of Peggy’s passing. She knew that Steve was heartbroken. Eventually, everyone else from the ceremony had left. He sat silently, staring at her portrait. It made Natasha’s heart ache. 

Finally, she found the will to approach him. He turned to see her and Natasha frowned as she sat next to him. They stayed silent for the longest time and Natasha wondered if one day, Steve would be doing the same thing for her. She wondered if one day she would be standing at James’ grave. Natasha waited silently for Steve to talk. 

“When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out she was alive. I was just lucky to have her.” Steve said. Even his voice, which conveyed his sadness, was strong and whole. No cracks. Natasha remembered the feeling of finding James again.

“She had you back too.” She replied. She knew there was nothing she could do to take away his pain but maybe she could ease it. Life was cruel, bringing together the people that love each other the most only to tear them away. 

“Who else signed?” Steve wanted to change the subject and Natasha let him. She wasn’t one to judge about how someone else handled grief.

“Tony. Rhodey. Vision,” She listed. Steve nodded his head. Natasha could already see his mind forming a plan. She wanted to tell him not to do anything stupid. She wanted to tell him that she already had it covered. Instead, she stayed silent. 

“Clint?” He asked. Natasha had just called him not too long ago, though the fact that he mentioned Clint so quickly made her nervous. Natasha gave Clint very clear instructions to stay out of this one. Especially after just having another kid so recently. 

“Says he’s retired.”

“Wanda?”

Natasha already knew Wanda’s choice even though it wasn’t yet explicitly stated. Wanda was loyal to Steve which is why Natasha’s betrayal made the girl freeze up around her. 

“TBD.” Natasha answered. She watched Steve fiddle with what ‘TBD’ meant for a moment before a light went off in his mind. It made a tense situation a little more comfortable knowing that they could still talk like this. 

“I’m off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There’s plenty of room on the jet.” Natasha attempted to coax him, though she already knew he’d say no. This was all a part of the plan, they had to go their separate ways in order for it to work. 

“Just because it’s the path of least resistance doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path, Steve. Staying together is more important than how we stay together.” She added, watching the conflict form in his head. Natasha knew that it would never break his morals. She knew Steve Rodgers, and she knew a defining characteristic of his was being stubborn with beliefs. Maybe that’s why they made such good friends. 

“What are we giving up to do it?” He asked. Natasha gave him a tight smile. That was the Steve she knew. This next step in her plan, she would have to do alone; there was no dragging Clint into it or telling Steve what it would be. Steve, after all, was still a terrible liar and she needed him to find James when the UN decided that he was too big of a threat to be allowed to roam free. There had already been talks about trying to find him. 

“I’m sorry, Nat. I can’t sign it.” Steve shook his head sadly. Natasha put her hand on his shoulder, hoping he would understand one day what she was doing. 

“I know.”

“Then what are you doing here?” He asked, his voice laced with confusion.

“I didn’t want you to be alone.” She gestured to the scene around them. Natasha knew this wasn’t going to be easy, saying goodbye never was. His expression softened slightly, unsure what to say.

“Come here,” Natasha said, pulling him into a hug. As she pulled away she hoped that Steve wouldn’t hate her at the end for what she was about to do.

  
  
  



	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is late but it's been a bit crazy around here. I hope you guys are all safe and enjoying the holidays. Also thank again to the amazing crazyevildru for betaing this chapter

Everywhere Natasha’s looked, lights flashed. The spotlights blinding at first with the mixture between smoke and starling flashes. A name kept ringing in her ears. Every turn she looked a blurry picture of his face appeared. 

He was everywhere and nowhere all at once and Natasha couldn’t escape. People were calling for his head. They demanded justice with 12 people dead and over seventy people injured. Her phone kept ringing nonstop and she couldn’t bring herself to pick it up.

“It was the Winter Soldier.” Natasha heard everyone say and her heart stopped every time. She coughed up smoke but when anyone tried to help her she told them she’s fine. She found herself wandering around as glass and rubble filled the streets.

Pictures were passed around and Natasha just managed to snatch one before she looked at it. She needed to know if it was him. Natasha stared at the picture in confusion, it didn’t look right. This couldn’t have been James. Natasha tried to look closer at the photo but it was too blurry.

But something else wasn’t adding up. The Winter Soldier had been hidden for years, for him to now turn sloppy? Natasha knew James. He knew where every camera was before he even took a step in a building. Natasha paused taking a deep breath and tried to clear her mind. 

_It couldn’t have been him._ Natasha thought too many things weren’t adding up. She needed him to be as far away from Vienna as possible. Natasha closed her eyes, hoping that the world around her might stop spinning so she could just think.

Her eyes wandered around trying to find a place away from everything. Natasha watched as a figure sat on the bench alone, watching the sky around him. Something shiny flashed in his hands and Natasha looked down, remembering a time when seeing a shine like that brought her joy. She remembered always seeing that shine after a mission moving and she knew he was ok. 

However, this one, as she walked closer, was a reflection of a ring. T’Challa’s hands were stained with blood and he looked in a far off place. Natasha moved towards him and sat at the bench beside him. She felt like a fraud almost. How could she of all people bring him any comfort?

“I’m very sorry,” she said and he barely even glanced at her before turning his gaze back to the ornate silver ring that he played within his hands. She’d felt this type of guilt only a couple times in her life before. 

“In my culture death is not an end. It’s more of a stepping off point. You reach out with both hands and Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into the green veld… where you can run forever,” he said his voice filled with grief but Natasha could pick up something else in it. He wasn't looking her in the eyes. 

“That sounds very peaceful,” she told him softly, Natasha needed him to stay calm, stay rational. She wasn’t prepared to have the hunt start so soon. She thought she would have a month at least, not a matter of 24 hours. 

“My father thought so. I am not my father,” T’Challa started, putting the silver ring on his fingers and finally he turned and faced her. Natasha saw the exact moment where emptiness and grief turned to rage. She’s seen it in her own eyes lying down in the middle of a dance floor as her own blood surrounded her. She saw it in her own eyes as she watched James forget about her, as he was treated like some puppet. 

“T’Challa, let the task force decide who brings in Barnes,” Natasha tried to bring back reason, trying to stop this man hunt from happening so quickly. She needed to get to James first, anyone else and she would have no say in what went down. 

“Don’t bother, Miss Romanoff. I’ll kill him myself,” T’Challa said, clenching his fists together and maybe if this were a decade ago those words would have sent her into attack mode.

However Natasha was different now. She stayed silent, a plan already trying to formulate in her mind. A list of locations the Winter Soldier could be. The whole world was trying to flush him out, there was nowhere to hide. 

She knew she was never going to reason with T’Challa, not when he was like this. He was a man griefing and was fixated on killing the man he believes killed his father. He wouldn’t listen to the truth. Natasha had to get to him first. 

With a quick glance at his phone he was gone and Natasha stood up to leave however her phone buzzed in her hands and she glanced at the name and frowned slightly. 

“Hello?” she asked. She knew why Steve was calling. Natasha hoped that he would stay out of it and just let her handle it for once. That she could find him and hide him.

“Are you alright?” he asked and Natasha found it sweet that he at least asked about that first before getting into what he wanted.

“Yeah, thanks I got lucky,” Natasha said but stayed silent listening as the same siren sounds coming from her end came from his. She whipped her head around with her eyes scanning the area. _Of course he couldn’t stay put._

“I know how much Barnes means to you. I do. Stay home. You’ll only make things worse. For _all_ of us. Please,” Natasha pleaded, not thinking that Steve would be stupid enough to come to Vienna, although she really did give him too much credit. 

“Are you saying you’ll arrest me?” Steve asked and Natasha shook her head. He still didn't understand why she even took the job.

“No. Someone will. If you interfere. That’s how it works,” Natasha tried to reason. She wanted to tell him that she’d even hunt down Barnes but he doesn’t trust her with that. In his eyes, she would only see Barnes as the enemy. Someone who shot her twice and almost killed her friend. Never knowing the whole story. 

“If he’s this far gone, Nat, I Should be the one to bring him in,” Steve said and Natasha shook her head trying to think of how she could keep both Steve and T’Challa away from Barnes when she had no idea where he was.

“Why?” she asked, Natasha knew that she was trying to prevent the inevitable from occurring. Her eyes were on a constant watch trying to find him, he couldn't be that far due to the sound of the sirens. 

“Because I’m the one least likely to die trying,” he said, hanging up the phone and Natasha slammed her phone in her pocket. 

“Shit,” Natasha said, her mind still in shock from everything that had happened. She didn’t give herself the pity party she wanted, instead she had to think quickly. Steve was going to get caught. Every scenario she played in her head he was caught or killed just like James. There was no way, not with this many people, that they could make it into hiding. Steve didn’t have the mindset for it yet and James would be too untrusting, _well who knows what we’ll find_ , Natasha thought bitterly to herself. 

“Why am I always picking up after my boys?” Natasha asked herself if she wanted to race after them. She wanted to pull Steve down by the ear and yell at him for being an idiot. But she knew that she couldn’t get involved. She was too close to Steve; they would suspect her right away if they both disappeared.

Her options were getting slimmer and slimmer now on how today ends without James and Steve dying. For this she only trusted one person. She needed someone who would listen, Natasha needed someone who would want a trial and wouldn’t kill on site. Only a single name came to her mind and she quickly dialed his number. 

She needed him to pick up. He was the only one who could stop them all from dying, This was the only way two guarantee they both got out alive even if it meant both of them were coming home in chains. 

“Hello?” he asked, picking up the phone on the second ring. Natasha let out a sigh of relief.

“I need you to do me a favor, Rhodey,” she said and he listened to her explain the situation, well most of the situation. 

.

.

.

Everything was quiet, too quiet. James hadn’t watched the news before he had gone out this morning, He was up early after a nightmare. James kept his head down as he watched the interactions, people were scared. 

James wanted to get back to the apartment however his eyes drew him to the little vendor that sold all the fruit. He scanned the fruit section and his eyes paused on the strawberries. His gaze dropped, finding it hard for some unknown reason to stare at them for too long. _Maybe I’m allergic?_ He thought to himself as he found the plums and rummaged through them with his gloved hand. 

James smiled warmly to the lady running the stand. She was an elderly woman who he'd seen before. He politely asked her how much they were and she smiled at ease with him. James knew how to win people’s trust; he knew how to make them feel calm in his presence. A slight pain in his headache and he tried to remember where he learned those traits from. 

It was second nature to constantly be looking over his shoulder and scanning the perimeter around him. His eyes met those of a newspaper vendor who looked at him with a panicked expression. James raised an eyebrow at the man who hardly looked back down at the newspaper before dropping it. 

When James went to cross the street, the man abandoned his stand and he walked slowly over to the stand before he scanned the crowd around him. With the busy streets this time of day, James couldn’t locate the man. He eyed the newspaper that the man had left sitting on top of everything. James picked up the newspaper and in big bold words it read: _Winter Soldier Suspect of Vienna Bombing_

James froze. He needed to get out of the public eye. Smack in the front was a blurry picture of a man resembling him. James didn’t do this. He needed leave now, the vendor would have already contacted the police by now. This was sloppy work, this had to be Hydra, there was no one else that would go to this lengths to flush him out. 

He had been unchained for two years and it wasn’t enough to satisfy his thirst for freedom. He would never give up his own mind again. James clenched the paper in his hands and watched the difference in the indentation between the metal hand and his human one. 

He took a deep breath trying to compose himself before adjusting his hat to hide his face even more. He needed to go completely off the grind. No staying in one place for too long. It was the only way he could live without being a puppet for someone else. 

A voice played out in James’s mind it was almost like they were being spoken to him, _when on the run you need to walk._ He couldn’t remember where he heard it from and in the moment he had to block out the urge to try and remember. His footsteps were light as he walked, to anyone looking at him he would seem like the average everyday citizen but underneath James was already formulating worst case scenarios. 

James was quiet up the steps. He was listening for anything that would give away the fact that he had been found. He closed his eyes and that was where he heard it. He knew every floor board that made a sound, an intruder wouldn’t. 

Everything Hydra taught James told him to leave and that there was nothing worth his life. But they never showed him what could be worth it and that book was worth the risk. Without that book, he was nothing. He was slowly getting his memories back but he could lose it all in a matter of seconds. 

James made his choice and he was silent as he entered into the lion’s den. Nothing was out of place, everything seemed the way he left it. Expect for the tall man in the middle of his kitchen with his back turned to him.

James paused. He didn’t attack right away. If it had been anyone else they would be dead by now but he observed as Steve opened his journal and placed a hand on a page he had written on. James tensed up; that wasn’t for anyone else to see.

“Understood.” He heard Captain America say in his earpiece as he turned around not even surprised that James was behind him.

“Do you know me?” he asked James and he wondered if it would be better to tell Steve no, maybe he would let his friend die. Maybe he would see that James was just a fraction of the man Steve was looking for and he would never be able to put all the pieces back together again. 

“You’re Steve. I read about you in a museum,” James said calmly, keeping all the emotions off his face. He looked at the book that Captain America was holding in his hands. James could hear someone tell Steve that someone was coming. _So they already found me._

“I know you’re nervous. And you have plenty of reason to be. But you’re lying,” Captain America said and James avoided answering the question. He knew that Captain America wasn’t here just as a check-in.

“I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do that anymore,” James told him truthfully. He had no idea what even happened until he read the newspaper. A name on the list of people attending caught his interest. James didn’t even know why it caught his interest however he knew that he had to know if she was alive.

“They’re entering the building.” James heard somebody say and he looked at his best friend and kept his emotions in check. It seemed like they were going to have to cut this reunion a little short but he needed that book back. 

“Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they’re not planning on taking you back alive,” Captain America said. James had to give him credit; at least he didn’t try to lie to him. 

“That’s smart. It’s a good strategy.” He couldn’t blame them for thinking it was him. James wasn’t a fool; he knew exactly how it looked. He could hear their stomping footsteps and knew it was too late for a clean escape.

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight,” Captain America said but James sighed, shaking his head. It appeared that Steve still had so much to learn. James’s mind flashed to the boy he grew up with, that Steve would always be in this Steve, always trying to take the high road. 

“It always ends in a fight,” James said, eyes glancing down at the book in Captain America’s hands. James was going to need that book back. He looked down at his gloved hand and pulled it off showing his gleaning metal hand. It was easy to pretend something didn’t exist if you never saw it. 

“You pulled me out of the river. Why?” Steve asked, but James didn’t have time to explain something that he wasn’t even sure he had the answer to. James looked at what was his oldest friend and frowned. He wished that he could be the man Steve wanted him to be. But sadly life didn’t work like that.

“I don’t know,” he said knowing it was only a matter of seconds before they would come in. Steve still believed that they could talk their way out of this one. He would never know what it’s like to be held prisoner and tortured until you can’t even remember who you are. He would never know that fear that even years after escape there was a fear that this was all a dream and that secretly he had been on ice this whole time. Steve would never understand, which is why he would never understand why James would do anything so he could be free. 

“Yes, you do!” Steve said right as a grenade came flying through the window. James kicked it at Steve and gave him a look that said _you really think this won’t end in a fight?_ Steve covered it with his shield as it exploded. 

James had no time to waste as they entered his apartment. He took out two of them with ease however his morally bound old friend wasn’t a fan of his style.

“Buck, stop! You’re going to get someone killed,” he said, reaching to touch James’s shoulder. _Bad move._ James shoved Steve down and punched a hole right next to where his head was. He watched as his eyes grew wide in shock and the hint of fear in them as his fist came right down next to his head. 

He flinched and looked surprised however James really was running out of time as grabbed his go bag from the floorboards. James looked at Steve one last time before picking up the book next to him on the ground. 

James was relieved to see that it was a part of the blue section and not the red part. There were some things that Steve didn’t need to know about, things James wasn’t even sure he’d be able to explain. 

“I’m not going to kill anyone,” James said, shoving it in his bag and throwing it out the window to where he knew they would land on the rooftop. Steve looked at him wondering if that was true but he never had the chance to question him as more people came in raiding the apartment. 

James looked around sadly at the home he had lived in, at the only place where he could feel her presence and slowly it was being destroyed. He had to get out of here. It was the only way that he could possibly save this place or what was left of it. 

He used his arm as a shield against the bullets and was trying to lead them out of here. With one glance back he could see the apartment how it used to be, how it was when she was here. Not it was just a ghost of what remained with the broken window, the broken in door, and the bullet holes in the old beaten up red couch. 

James wondered if he would ever be able to come back here. He grew attached to a place that was filled with memories that haunted him at night. The perfect place for a ghost to live. 

He also wondered as he watched Steve fight alongside him that if there was no fighting, then there would be no need for a Captain America. 

.

.

.

Natasha was quiet in the shadows with a burning rage of anger in her eyes as she waited. She had been waiting since the second she got the message from Rhodey telling her what happened. She instantly rushed down here knowing that it would take a bit before he actually arrived. 

Natasha was angry that they had found him. She was resentful that he was coming in chains. This is the exact thing that she was trying to prevent. Natasha knew that this was coming; she just had no idea how soon it was going to happen. 

Hours had gone by but still her rage never dwindled. She tried to compose herself and tried to breathe but she couldn’t help but wonder what was taking so long. Had they been intercepted along the way? Had he been captured by Hydra again? Natasha couldn’t help but think about the clear setup that was happening. She just didn’t have any proof. 

Suddenly cars started coming in left and right and she took a breath in relief to see that Steve was okay. Now she wanted to strangle him but that would have to wait for another time. Her eyes were fixated on the large truck that had just moved in. She watched as armed guards moved around to make sure. 

Natsaha waited and watched. All her emotions had been draining her and suddenly she saw his face. She stared into his eyes, watching as they moved around in a panic. She knew that he was trying to form an escape plan and she was too. 

She needed to get him out of there. She needed to help him escape. Natasha knew that whoever was after the Winter Soldier was going to come here now and she needed to get him out before that happened. 

Despite being trapped in a cage, Natasha could see the bits and pieces of the James she knew. He didn’t have that blank empty look in his eyes anymore. He actually looked alive and it pained Natasha more knowing that he was aware of who he was. 

Natsah knew this would happen. She knew Steve wouldn’t be able to get them out. He was trained for this kind of thing. Her anger returned as she moved past his face and looked at the cell they were holding him in. It was like they were locking him up like he was some kind of animal, his eyes constantly on the move. Natasha moved deeper in the shadows as his eyes finally made their way over to where she was standing. 

If James had seen her he had no reaction. She wasn’t surprised. Hydra had whipped her from his mind multiple times that she wasn’t sure he would ever be able to recover the memories of them. But then she thought about where he had lived the past couple of years. 

“You were in Romania, of course,” she muttered darkly to herself. She had seen pictures of the scene. Natasha would recognize that apartment even if completely destroyed. How could one forget the place that felt like home the most? 

All this time and he had gone back to the place that they had lived in together. She didn’t let herself think of what that meant. She couldn’t deal with that, not right now. She watched as they moved him away, trying to find a plan on how to get him to escape. 

She looked at him one last time before the doors shut. She needed to take him all in. It had been years since she was able to just look at him like this. Natasha waited until the door finally shut before moving. She made her way to the elevator, heading up to where all the arguments were happening. 

She took a deep breath trying to calm herself. Natasha needed to keep her emotions in check. She couldn’t think about the fact that the man that she had been searching for since 2007 was just down a few floors being held in a cage. 

Natasha knew that she had to play her cards right. She knew who she needed to protect. She would save him or die trying.

.

.

.

“For the record, this is what making things worse looks like,” she told Steve and Sam harshly with Tony following behind her. There was a lot more anger in those words than they picked up on. 

“He’s alive” was Steve’s only response and she raised an eyebrow. _For how long?_ She wondered. Natasha needed to do damage control. She needed to find a way to get them all out of this mess.

“Try not to break anything while we fix this,” Natasha said, siding a glare to Steve and Sam. They walked into the room where Tony sounded less than pleased on the phone.

“I’m not getting that shield back am I?” Steve asked and Natasha turned around and raised an eyebrow. She knew that he was trying to make light of the situation. Natasha knew that he valued their friendship and she did as well, he just never knew that they had the same goal all along. 

“Technically it’s the government’s property, wings too,” she added just to piss Sam off as well for going along with this. 

“That’s cold,” Sam replied cheekily, however, Tony was having none of it just like Natasha. They were both trying to figure out this mess. Just for different reasons. 

“Warmer than jail,” Tony said glaring at Steve probably thinking the same thing Natasha was, _how could you be so stipud?_

Natasha watched James through the cameras monitoring his prison. She couldn’t take her eyes off him as Tony left her side to try and ‘talk sense’ into Steve. He was right the only way to get the rest of the Avengers to sign was to make sure Steve did. 

Natasah’s gaze went to the prison cell and she studied it. She tried to think about ways to break him out. It was going to be tough but not impossible. But getting him out was easy compared to what to do with him. People would think it was Steve and he would be thrown in prison or possible worse. Natasha tried to think of where to put him, how to make it so that Steve couldn’t even be thought of as a suspect. 

But there was an even harder challenge: getting James to trust her again. She knew that he would never trust her while he still didn’t know who she was to him. 

Her mind stopped when she saw another man with his back turned to all the camera walk into the room. He kept his face turned away the whole time but there were other ways to study someone besides their face. 

Her gaze narrowed as she watched the evaluator. She watched his back move; he was tense. But her eyes were drawn to James’s reaction to each question that was asked. 

“Hello, Mr. Barnes. I’ve been sent by the United Nations to evaluate you. Do you mind if I seat? Your first name is James?” the evaluator said and something about the tone in his voice set alarm bells off in Natasha’s head. Something wasn’t right here; she had bad feelings about this doctor. 

Natasha tried to push it down as she focused on James’s face and his reaction. She watched him tense as he was called James. His gaze was everywhere except where the evaluator was.

“I’m not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know where you are James? I can’t help if you don’t talk to me, James,” he said and the tone of voice sent chills down her spine. Natasha tensed as she thought that it sounded as if he almost marbled at James like he was his last hope.

“Don’t call me James,” James replied and Natasha bit down a smirk. It was terrible timing but she couldn’t help but notice that whenever he got annoyed by someone, his left eye twitched just the slightest. Some things never changed.

Natasha could hear Steve and Sharon talking and it distracted her. She knew that Sharon would try to get Steve out and she would let it. But Steve wasn’t the one who would have the hardest time being snuck out. 

“Tell me, Barnes. You’ve seen a great deal, haven’t you?” the man asked and Natasha found the question odd. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” James said, his gaze starting to become annoyed. He would never talk to this evaluator, James would never talk about personal things with someone he didn’t trust. 

“You fear that… if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop. Don’t worry. We only have to talk about one,” the man said before all the footage was blacked out and the power went out everywhere.

“Great. Come on guys, get me eyes on Barnes,” Ross said. Natasha froze before she quickly turned around to see Steve and Sam gone. Panic filled her as she found Stark not knowing what was happening. She needed to get to James though. 

“Please tell me you brought a suit,” Natasha said as they swiftly moved down the halls to where he was being held captive.

“Sure did. It’s a lovely Tom Ford, three-piece, two buttons. I’m an active duty non- combatant,” Tony said, cursing slightly. Natasha looked down at her widow’s bite bracelet and it seemed like the only weapon she had on her.

“Follow me,” Sharon said, coming up behind her and Natasha raced after her. Apparently she was deemed as a friend to Steve and could be trusted. The sound of her heartbeat filled her hearing and she tried to focus on anything but the worst-case scenario.

Natasha stopped as she watched James fight off all of the security in the longing area. She waited for Tony to make his move to distract James so that Sharon and she could disable him.

She never wanted it to come down to this. She never wanted them to fight him. Natasha tried to pull Sharon back as she jumped into the fight and was taken down instantly. James’s blank eyes met hers and she knew that he was gone. 

Natasha knew she would have to fight him as she jumped. She aimed for where she knew it would hurt him the most. Using the distance between them she was able to wrap her legs around his shoulder as she made a fist bringing it down on his head. She hoped that maybe just maybe cognitive recalibration could work just one more time.

But she was thrown off of him before she could try again. Her back hit the top of the table and she winced. James filled her vision and she stared at his soulless eyes as he took the opportunity to wrap his metal hand around her throat. 

Natasha was gasping for air as he clenched tighter. She looked at him, studied him and wondered if this was the way it was supposed to happen. If this was how she was meant to die. She hoped that he never remembered her if that were the case but a part of her thought about why he went to Romania. 

She wondered if he was starting to remember her. Natasha was gasping for air as flashes of them crossed her mind. Her whole life played out in a matter of seconds. She remembered how happy they were. She remembered everything. Unable to contain herself she spoke. “You could at least recognize me.” 

Something in his eyes shifted for a split second and she could feel the hand around her throat loosen as she was clawing at his metal arm to let her go. He stared at her. It couldn't have been more than a second but his eyes went to her hair and he tried to reach out for it but next thing she knew he was being tossed off of her. 

Natasha gasped for air and she touched her bruising neck. She tried to speak but couldn't; she tried to breath, tried to calm herself down as she blinked, trying to make the world stop spinning. Trying to make her whole world not come crashing down. Natasha tried to get back up, tried to go after him but darkness blurred her vision. 

  
  



	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! I hope you guys are having a great week and had a great holiday! I hate to say it but unfortunately the next update for this story will not be next Wednesday but the following on 12/16. Things are just a little crazy right now and I hope this chapter ties you guys over till then. As always thank you to the lovely crazyevildru they truly are the best! Anyway this chapter was one of my favorites to write and I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think!

She doesn’t know how she managed to pull herself together to walk home but she does. Her gaze moves every which way and she can feel serum starting to take effect on the bruises on her neck. A hollow feeling took over and Natasha's mind replayed the last couple of hours in her head. She remembered a feeling of not being able to breath. Natasha heard herself gasping for air. She could see the black icy blue eyes, she thought that maybe the third time's the charm, that she didn’t have seven lives after all. 

She was trapped in that moment, she knew he remembered something. There was a change, she felt his hand loosen so she could hold on just a little longer. But she would never know the answer to that. He was thrown off before she could even question him. And he was gone before she could even save him. 

Natasha was finally at her apartment and she just needed to sit and think. She needed to find James and Steve and figure out what their next move was. But there was no one in that circle that would talk to her. At least not after she declared that she was on Tony’s side. Natasha could feel the frustration set in as she tried to think of ways to prevent this from ending badly. 

When she reached her apartment door she heard the footsteps that came from inside. Natasha instantly was on attack mode as she took her gun out and silently unlocked the door. She was greeted instantly by the sight of Clint rummaging through her fridge and took a deep breath of relief.

“You scared me asshole,” she said and he just waved his hand over his head in greeting. She rolled her eyes and set her gun on the kitchen table watching him pull out an apple.

“You and I need to talk, young lady,” Clint said, and took a bite of his apple. He cringed at the sourness of it. “You actually like the really sour granny smiths?” he asked offhandedly and she raised an eyebrow.

“Yes that’s why I get them and Clint, I don’t mean to sound rude but what the hell are you doing here? You’re retired. Does Laura know you’re here?” Natasha asked him and he took a second to process her questions she blurted out.

He took another bite of the apple despite his complaints. She felt as if she were being analyzed under a microscope as he gazed at her.

“For the record, Laura does know that I’m here and while she isn't happy about it she understands me needing to come. Second, we're here to talk about  _ your _ life choices of the late, not mine,” Clint said and Natasha raised an eyebrow.

“My life choices?” she questioned him and he pointed a finger at her.

“Oh no, you do not get to act like I’m the crazy one. You called me asking me to sign the Accords and I told you I was retired. Next thing I know I hear that your lovely ex blew up the conference that you were at, which I found out on the phone with Steve. Then I also find out from Steve that your ex is with him and that they’re trying to accomplish something which I can’t tell you about because you're on the wrong side, Nat!” he ranted, waving his hands in exasperation.

“Steve called you?” she asked and he put his head in his hands.

“Yes, of course, he did and that’s not the point, Natasha. What are you doing? I get signing the Accords believe me I do but now Barnes is back in the picture and I know he didn’t try to blow you up but he still shot you, twice!” Clint stated and she winced he clearly didn’t hear about what just happened, and Natasha was unlikely to ever tell him. She wasn’t willing to give Clint another reason to hate James. 

“Look, you can talk to me now about what’s going on and be honest or I’ll try to piece it together myself on the battlefield,” Clint said and her eyes widen.

“He didn’t only call you, did he?” she asked and Clint shook his head.

“I’m not going to tell you who but there’s six of us,” Clint said and Natasha nodded her head. Stark and her were a dangerous pairing but against six people? The odds weren’t in their favor.

“Nat, are you going to tell me what’s going on? You picked Stark’s side; you have never agreed with him once until now,” Clint said and she sighed.

“Someone needs to be on the inside,” she said and his eyes widened.

“Steve was never going to be able to play the role and Sam will always follow Steve. They are soldiers. If you want to be able to get information out of something you need a spy,” Natasha explained.

“So what happens now that Barnes is involved, who, I might add, is a wanted terrorist,” he stated and she sighed.

“I don’t know, Clint. I never imagined him getting tied up into all this but now he is in the middle of everything and he knows nothing!” she said, putting her head in her hands.

“You’re right. He doesn’t remember you. He can barely even remember Steve. Natasha, he can’t even remember himself! You see why I’m concerned about you getting involved in a situation like this.” The worry was deep in his voice.

Natasha knew that he felt this way for years. She knew that a part of him wished that she would forget about the Winter Soldier and what happened to them. She never admitted it but a part of her wished she could move on too.

Natasha wished that she could forget like he had. It would make moving on easier, however an even larger part knew that even if he never remembered her, she would never want to forget him. She wanted to keep that part of him alive. 

“I know, alright, I know! But imagine, Clint, if something happened to Laura. Imagine having her ripped away from you multiple times and each time thinking that you’re never going to be separated again. He was it for me, Clint. He was it and I lost him every time,” she said and she didn’t even know when the tears started to fall however suddenly he was embracing her and holding her tight apologizing.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry I just get worried about you, Natasha. He’s dangerous,” Clint said and Natasha let out a half sob half-laugh.

“So am I,” she said and he smiled against her head.

“Yeah, you really are,” he muttered and she let out another sorrowfully laugh. If it were only that easy to forget about the first person you opened up, the one who taught you how to live, who saved you from a life that would have destroyed you, the one who was the only good thing in her life that slowly taught her how to love. 

“But, Nat, you need to realize that he won’t remember you,” Clint said and she nodded her head. It was a hard pill to swallow but she already knew it.

“I know, Clint; it's just I owe him,” she said, wiping tears away.

“Why do you think you owe him?” Clint asked, pushing some hair out of her face.

“I could have saved him several years ago. Instead, I left him and I can never forgive myself for that. I need to help him, I need to clear his name, Clint.” He looked like he wanted to argue with her however he just shook his head. He understood a life debt better than anyone else.

“You’re crazy,” he muttered, messing up her hair by running his hand through it. She smiled at the gesture before attempting to fix it.

“I know and you love me for it,” She teased and he scoffed.

“God damnit, Natasha Romanoff, what am I going to do with you?” he asked, shaking his head. She decided not to answer as he released his grip on her and took a step back, taking another bite from the apple.

“So why else are you here?” she asked him and he smirked.

“Big secret. Cap’s got me on a mission. I just took a pit stop,” he said and she rolled her eyes noticing his bow and arrow by the door.

“I’m guessing I’ll know by tomorrow?” she asked him and he laughed.

“Most likely later tonight,” he said and she sighed. It seemed like she would never be able to rest. 

“Just be careful, okay?” Natasha said and he smiled.

“Always. Laura might kill me if I die. No, actually she’ll bring me back to life only to kill me again,” he said and she smiled. He was absolutely correct. Suddenly his face turned serious and she wasn’t going to like what he was going to say next.

“Things might get pretty ugly tomorrow and I want you to stay away from Barnes,” he said and her eyes widened as she tried to argue but he just shook his head.

“No, you’ll find other people to fight him. He won’t hold back the punches like you might. He doesn’t remember you, Natasha, and I can’t have you getting hurt. It’s going to get ugly we both know neither one will stop and I don’t want him to hurt you more than he already has,” Clint said and she couldn’t argue with that logic.

“So what, fight you the whole time?” she asked and he laughed.

“I don’t want my ass handed to me,” he said and she punched him in the shoulder.

“Ow. See! This is what I mean!” he exclaimed, rubbing his shoulder. Natasha rolled her eyes at him. He finished off his apple and threw it out. He glanced at the time and smiled.

“Well kid, your parental intervention is over. I have another one to go to tonight,” Clint said walking towards the door to pick up his bow and arrow.

“I don’t suppose you want to give an old friend a heads up?” Natasha asked as Clint walked back towards the balcony. He opened the door and turned back to look at her.

“No, I don’t think I will. Not yet at least. I need some time to give myself as a getaway. I’ll text you in a few hours,” he said and in a flash, he shot his arrow out the window and was gone. Natasha rubbed her temples and walked over towards the balcony as she walked outside.

“Remember to stretch!” Natasha called up to him. She looked out and could see Clint’s retreating figure on top of the rooftop next to hers. She watched him disappear from her line of sight as the shadows of the night took him away.

She smiled sadly, missing her best friend, and looked up at the sky. It may have been a shit day however at least the sky was beautiful. She found peace for just a couple seconds getting lost in the stars.

Natasha realized that it would get ugly. She thought about her only family ripping each other apart and that scared her. She wished it weren’t true however tomorrow was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not.

.

.

.

It was just as if she feared. Natasha watched the scene play out before her eyes. After this there was no going back to normal, there was only dealing with the results. She watched with a somber expression as Steve still stood by his beliefs even if he was the only man left standing.

“Steve…you know what’s about to happen. Do you really wanna punch your out of this one?” Natasha asked, coming up behind him. He turned to face her but then Tony called for the kid from Queens who tried to tie up Steve.

“You’ve been busy,” Steve told Tony as he eyed Peter with interest.

“And you’ve been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint. ‘Rescuing’ Wanda from a place she doesn’t even want to leave. I’m trying to keep you from tearing us apart,” Tony said glaring at Steve however Steve just smiled sadly at him.

“You did it when you signed Tony,” Steve said and Tony looked pissed off now.

“Alright, we're done you're going to turn in Barnes to us and you're going to come with us,” Tony said but Steve just shook his head. Natasha watched the silent declaration of war pass between them as Steve held up his arms to where the webbing bid his hands.

A perfectly shot arrow soared right in the middle, cutting him free. Next thing she knew she was fighting a man that could get tiny. She quickly dealt with him by stinging him with her widow’s bite.

She watched as cars dropped on Tony and then a truck almost hit her. She went down and Tony helped her up.

“You still want to go easy on them?” Rhodey asked them. Tony grabbed her hand and gave her a lift to where they all were standing together. Natasha found it ironic that Vision just so happened to draw the perfect line between the two groups.

Natasha studied them all and bit back a bitter smile. There was no way they were going to make it out of this with friendships still intake. She felt someone’s eyes on her and she scanned down the line of people.

Her eyes met his icy blue ones quickly before she moved her gaze away to Clint. He stared at her all while this was happening and Natasha didn’t try to think about what it meant. She didn’t want to give herself hope that he remembered something, anything.

“We fight.” She could hear Steve vaguely say as they approached them. Clint gave her a look and shook his head. They both knew where this was going. So when they all started to walk towards one another they knew there was no going back. They would fight. 

Maybe they were trying to convince themselves that the Avengers weren’t breaking apart, that they were sparring and training together just like they used to a long time ago. However, as said, that was a long time ago as Clint flipped her over and she groaned. Natasha could feel his eyes on her once again as he watched the scene unfold between her and Clint.

“Eyes on me, Romanoff,” Clint muttered and she smiled at him.

“Were still friends right?” she asked and he let out a breathless laugh.

“Depends on how hard you hit me,” he said and she managed to get herself off the ground and when she tried to kick him she found her leg being caught by something. She is then thrown back to the ground and she groans.

She looked up to see Wanda standing over her with questioning eyes as she glanced over in the direction James was in. 

“He was the one from your dream,” Wanda states and Natasha said nothing as she breathed in deeply trying to forget about the vision Wanda had shown her during their battle against Ultron. 

“Yet you fight on the side against him?” she asked not understanding her reasoning however she wasn't willing to go far enough to look inside her mind. Natasha tried to speak, however came up with a loss for words. How could she explain this to Wanda. 

Wanda looked at James as he fought T’Challa and Natasha tried to get up as she watched T’Challa make a move that threw James off. He stumbled and fell and at that moment T’Challa made his move to kill and Natasha went running towards him in terror. 

She needed to get to him however he froze when T’Challa hand was stopped and thrown off of James. Her heartbeat was so loud she feared everyone could hear it. She watched him get off the ground uninjured and breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Thank you,” she whispered under her breath as Wanda stood next to her and put her hand on Natasha’s shoulder. 

“He poses just like you,” Wanda said and Natasha turned to her with eyes widened. Wanda looked at her with sympathetic eyes. “He is the one from your dreams correct?” she asked and numbing Natasha nodded her head scanning the area for him. She panicked when she couldn’t find him. 

“You never were against us were you?” she asked quietly and Natasha shook her head. Wanda dropped her hand from Natasha’s shoulder. She looked over at Wanda because next thing she knew she was being tossed into the air.

She was about to shout something however she realized Wanda had given her an overview of the battlefield. She looked down at Wanda who nodded her head in the direction where James disappeared to. She analyzed the scene in front of her and saw how James and Steve regrouped. She followed their gaze to the warehouse that held their getaway transport and she quickly rushed over.

Natasha was there waiting for them as they ran in. Steve’s pace slows and she trains her eyes on him. She could feel James sizing her up as a threat but she couldn’t let herself become distracted. 

“You’re not gonna stop,” she stated and he shook her head. James tensed besides Steve.

“You know I can’t,” he said and she sighed, holding out her fist and released her widow’s bites. Steve’s eyes widened as he reached to cover himself with his shield only to watch it go sailing past him.

“I’m going to regret this,” she told him and they both turned their heads to see T’Challa behind them. He was on the ground as the widow’s bite took effect.

“Go,” she told them and Steve touched her shoulder in thanks. James only nodded his head as he ran past her and Natasha knew that was all she could expect; she was a stranger to him. She continued to deliver her widow’s bites to T’Challa until they were safely in the air. She watched as her friend and former lover took off and hoped this wasn’t the last time she would see either of them.

She turned to T’Challa who looked reasonably pissed off. However, Natasha had followed what she thought was right. Steve wasn’t a liar and neither was James. She believed them when Steve explained to Tony about the Winter Soldier program. when she was injected with the serum, she had heard about the trial runs done before her.

However no one could know how she knew this information. No one could know about her past with James so she buried it down and pretended as if she didn’t care about him. As if his eyes following her everywhere did not affect her.

Natasha wasn’t the same girl she was over a decade ago. She had other people she cared for. She had a family that was falling to pieces and she was going to be left to pick them up.

  
  



	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone happy Wednesday! As promised here is the next chapter in this series and the end of the Civil War section in this story. After this we will take a break from the mcu and follow along a different narrative I believe is lost in the movies. Again I hate doing this however I might but be able to update by next week since things are still hectic around here. But if I do not update do not worry the next update will be 12/30. Once again thank you to crazyevildru they truly do inspire me to add scenes and perspectives that I never thought possible. I hope you all enjoy and have a happy holidays if I am unable to update next week. As always let me know what you think!

Natasha was rummaging through trying to find it. She groaned in frustration.  _ How many things did the government confiscate?  _ She asked herself, looking for a black backpack. 

Natasha finally found a bin that seemed like the right date when he was captured. She lifted the lid and there it was. His backpack sat perfectly at the top and Natasha froze her hands, shaking slightly as she picked it up and grabbed it. 

She closed her eyes, trying to put herself together before wrapping the strap around her shoulder and putting the bin back where it belonged. Natasha walked out of the building without any problems.

She headed back to a safe house that was completely off the grid. It was a cabin completely buried in the woods. It would be a good spot to hide out from the government.

When she finally got there, she thought it looked too big to only hold one person in it. She already had called Laura and told her what happened. To say that the other woman was less than pleased would be the understatement of the century.

She tried to explain to her that she would be bailing Clint out soon enough which Laura had thanked her for. However from the way the conversation went, Clint was going to have a rough homecoming.

She walked into the house and made sure to lock the door behind her. Natasha looked around to see that everything was where she last left it. She was tired after her long argument with Tony and she was in the dark about everything going on.

She found it ironic that the whole reason for her joining Tony was so she could get information to help Steve. Now she was the one completely unaware of what was happening or going on.

Her gaze wandered to the harmless looking backpack just on the edge of the countertop. Natasha would like to think that she was a good person and wasn’t tempted to look inside of it however that wasn’t her. 

Being naturally good wasn’t her and it was never going to be. She would never be able to retire and live the life Clint could with a family. As nice as it sounded, she couldn't even have a child. That ability had been taken away from her.

So when Natasha opened the bag and found a black notebook lying there harmlessly at the top of everything, she couldn’t help herself. Natasha was here with no idea where Tony was, not a clue how to get the rest of Avengers out of prison. She needed to know something.

She examined the broken black notebook; it had seen better days. Her fingers traced the cover. And when she looked on the sides, she saw that it was sectioned off by a color. Most of it was blue however she saw bits of red. Natasha wondered if she was making the right call but didn't let herself dwell too long on it as she opened the book. Right away the same thing in bold sloppy handwriting written over and over again greeted her:  _ Red. _

__

Natasha should have closed the book right then and there. It should have been enough to make her stop reading however maybe just maybe if one thing that had happened hadn’t, she would have had the strength to stop.

She lost herself in the adventures of Steve and Bucky and if possible, fell even more in love with James in those moments. She found out that he had a family. He was a brother to someone. He was a son to someone else. And he had been a ladies man early on though that fact didn’t surprise her in the slightest.

They were all the blue sections but there were also the black sections. It was filled with his perspective about HYDRA’s control on him and there were pages of names listed. She traced every name. Natasha knew what it meant and probably had a list just as long.

She saw a picture of her clipped to the page; it wasn’t a standard one. She looked closely trying to remember what year she had that haircut and realized that it was from when she went to Capitol Hill.

Natasha smiled, still remembering the look those assholes gave her when she walked away from them. Natasha focused her attention back on the notebook and with a new hunger for knowledge turned the page.

She read in one section that James thought that Steve was dating her and it made her chuckle a little. He was trying to remember in his past how he was connected to her, however he was never quite able to have everything fall into place. The earliest memory he had of her was 2014. 

Natasha's eyes widened when she realized that he was still there when she had found Steve by the water. He watched them as she took care of him. Natasha read about how he struggled to hold himself back from going to her instead of running away.

The blue section started to fade away and another section, probably the shortest of the three, started. This section was red and her eyes widened at the memories he was slowly piecing together. 

James was starting to scratch the surface on the Red Room but he hadn’t been able to find any information about it. She read about the past two years of his life and how he was drawn to this small apartment in Romania. He explained how they had turned one apartment into two and that it wasn’t the same as it used to be.

Natasha smiled sadly, wishing that they hadn’t torn down their apartment. Butt wasn’t like she was planning to go back and live there. She read about how he kept feeling like he was missing a piece of the puzzle, how something was empty, a hole even bigger than Steve.

She started to cry at that point. Well... cry was a nice word for what happened; she was sobbing by the end of it. She couldn’t hold back her loss anymore. Natasha couldn’t stop the grief from taking over. She let herself mourn for the man she lost. Even if Natasha were to tell James everything, it wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t instantly make him love her again. Sometimes love dies. She wouldn’t tell him anything, not unless he remembered it himself. She needed to get away and keep her distance. 

Her phone ringing interrupted her silence and Natasha starred in surprise. She almost actually missed the call before picking it up on its last ring.

“Hello?” she asked, shocked that he would reach out. 

“I need you to meet me,” Steve said into the phone and Natasha froze at the sound of Steve’s voice. She was filled with panic. 

“What happened?” she asked. Natasha needed to know that he was alive, that he was safe. 

“I just need you to meet me. I promise I’ll explain everything then,” Steve said and told her the place. Natasha smiled slightly at the place before agreeing to meet him. 

She looked down at the book in her hand before grabbing the backpack and putting it back in. There was nothing left for Natasha to read. He didn’t remember her and she needed to learn to be ok with that. She picked up the backpack and went to go meet up with Steve. 

.

.

.

The sky was once again clouded with smoke. Natasha wished she could see the stars as she climbed up what used to be the most secure building in the entire state. The night sky kept her hidden from any prying eyes as she then broke into that secure building. The old headquarters for S.H.I.E.L.D. was where she was first recruited and where she first officially met Steve. 

Natasha found him once again staring out at the city as traffic went on. She wondered what it would be like for that to be them. To not have a care in the world about if anything was in danger or if your friends on every new job they got were going to come back alive. 

“It looks peaceful compared to the stuff I’ve seen,” Steve commented to her as she came up behind him. It had been a couple days since she last saw him and as he turned toward her, her eyes widened. He was covered in bruises and tightly holding a white package. 

“What happened, Steve?” she asked. He looked down in disappointment and she noted that he was holding a white package.. 

“We won,” he told her, yet it didn’t feel like a win. 

“What was the cost?” she asked and he shook his head. 

“Too high,” he whispered, looking out into the depths of traffic. 

“What happened in Russia?” she asked. Natasha needed to know James was safe. Her heart couldn’t take not knowing any longer. 

“When we got there it was clear that Zemo had already been there for at least a couple hours. However what Bucky and I weren’t expecting to find was Tony waiting for us,” Steve said and Natasha waited for him to continue. 

“Tony found evidence to suggest that we weren’t lying and called a truce. But when we got to the room where all the soldiers were being kept, they were all opened and the unfreezing process had begun. It didn’t matter though because all of them had a bullet in their brain.” Steve paused, taking a deep breath. He turned and looked at her and at that moment all she could see in his eyes was pain. 

“Do you remember back in 2014 when Zola told us about HYDRA and how it had infiltrated S.H.I.E.L.D.?” he asked and she nodded her head. She replied that the video in her mind and something terrible clicked. 

“December 16, 1991,” she said and he nodded his head. 

“Zemo told me he wanted to see an empire fall. I just didn’t realize at the time that the empire was us. He wanted to destroy the Avengers. Or rather… let us destroy ourselves. Tony reacted… as you would expect and wouldn’t listen to reason. It was too late. We fought and won. However in our victory, I lost a friend,” Steve finished and Natasha took a deep breath and put her hand on his shoulder. 

She knew not to tell him that everything was going to work itself out. Because honestly? She wasn’t sure that it would. Natasha let him sit silently for a little longer before she broke it. 

“You can’t beat yourself over this forever, Steve,” she commented and he shook his head.

“I should have told him the second I saw that video. It was clear as day what it was getting at. I shouldn’t have tried to spare him from that pain,” Steve replied and Natasha turned his body to face her. 

“Hey! Listen, if you're going to play the blame game then you're going to have to put some on me. I saw that video and knew. If anything you should put all of the blame on me. Everything wouldn’t have played out like this if it weren’t for me,” she confessed and Steve looked up at her confused. 

Natasha shook her head and opened James’ backpack. Steve raised his eyebrows in confusion about why she had the bag however she silenced him when she gave him the journal. The only light came from a tiny light near them which made it readable. 

“Open it,” she told him and Steve held her gaze, feeling wrong to be reading Bucky’s thoughts. However, with her penetrating gaze, Steve gave in and opened the book to the first page. Just like Natasha remembered, it was scribbled with the same word written over and over again. The only thing that stood out was the date on the top of the page marked. 

“This was written in 2007. Nat, what does it mean?” he wondered and she looked out into the streets. Natasha was never sure when she was going to tell him but she couldn’t lie to him anymore. Too much has happened. 

“I lied to you, Steve,” she stated and turned to face him again. His head snapped up and he stared at her. She put her hands up and he relaxed slightly. 

“I need you to understand something, Steve. I'm going to tell you a story and I want you to listen to the story until I’m finished. After that you can tell me whatever you want or spit in my face but you can never tell anyone else are we clear?” she asked and Natasha knew that making him make a promise like this went against what he stood for. But he nodded his head, realizing he’d rather have the truth than a lie. 

“In the Red Room where I was trained, where I was raised, there was no room for failures and the only rule was to kill or be killed. When I was sixteen, a group of scientists known as HYDRA had taken interest in the Red Room to look for a contender to make the perfect using the super-soldier serum. I was the best the Red Room had to offer and was selected to become the Black Widow. But It came with a condition.” She paused, looking up at the sky to calm herself down. 

This wasn’t the time to get all teary-eyed. Steve watched her try and pull herself together to try and continue. She owed it to Steve to tell the truth, whether it was the truth he wanted to hear or not. 

“They didn’t want to give the last of the super-soldier serum without evidence that I truly was perfect. So Zola came with a compromise. If I could survive eight weeks of training with the Winter Soldier then they would inject me with the serum. I lied when I told you that the first time I met him was in Iran in 2009. It was in Russia in 2000. He became my mentor and I was his student, training to be his equal. We both were surprised when he turned out to be not quite as monstrous as the stories made him out to be. He started acting almost human to me and the short story is... we fell in love.” Natasha bit her lip and closed her eyes. 

“Natasha, you don’t have to-” Steve tried but she shook her head. 

“If I don’t say it now I never will,” she told him, opening her eyes. She could feel the tears started to form but she held them back. 

“He was sent on a mission and couldn’t do it because the women resembled me. They came back and wiped his memories and injected me with a serum. It wasn’t for another two years did I find him again and we lived together for a year in Romania before they found out that we were involved. They took him in for reconditioning and any progress we made in that year towards helping him heal was wiped away in seconds. He didn’t remember me anymore.” when she closed her eyes, she could still picture that moment as if it were happening right now, she could see the icy blue turn cold. 

“After that, I was sent away by the KGB and under strict orders about never working with the Winter Soldier again. I had nothing left for me so I did the only thing I could do: kill and tell lies. It wasn’t until 2004 that I saw him again and something must have triggered his memory of me. I was sent by the KGB to Switzerland to kill Alexander Pierce and the Winter Soldier was there. At the time I thought he had also been sent to kill Pierce. Imagine my surprise in 2014 when I found out he had been forced to become his lap dog,” Natasha added bitterly. 

“When we fought, he went down clutching his head and I left him there. James made me promise him that if I ever found him as the Winter Soldier to kill him and I couldn't do it. A part of me hoped that he would remember me and that he would be free but I left him there. He was gone when I came back for him. Three years later I was kidnapped by my former Red Room headmistress and he found me again and took me to a safe house. He used that book as a way to remember me. Anytime they would wipe him, James would leave hints all around his room and force himself to remember me.” She shook her head and remembered his letter to her. She still kept it even to this day. 

“He wouldn’t leave HYDRA. He was too afraid to run away with me in fear of them finding me with him. As it turns out, at that same time I started to make it on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s radar. Every mission I went on there was a hit squad sent and I dealt with all of them except for two. James did it for me. I didn’t even know until I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. James knocked me out at the safehouse and I went to try and find him. Clint found me.” Natasha continued, their story was almost at its end though she couldn’t read Steve’s face at all. 

“When Clint found me, I was a mess. But he saw something in me that made him make a different call on what to do with me. I was already completely numb to losing James for the third time that I didn’t care what happened to me. I was low but Clint managed to build me back up again. I went straight and worked for S.H.I.E.L.D. I didn’t let myself think of the Winter Soldier. I heard his name whispered from time to time as if it were some legend and each time broke me a bit more. The next time I found him it was just as James feared it would be: us on opposite sides of the battlefield in Odessa. He could have killed me in 2009 but he didn't. Instead, he knocked me out and I woke up in a hospital with Clint three days later with a bullet wound and a nasty headache. And anything after that... well you know the rest.” Natasha was numb by the end, her whole life summed up into a view of short sentences. But sentences so important that she had only ever told one other person before Steve.

He was silent for a couple more minutes, not looking at her, and Natasha wished that she could see what was going on in his mind. When he finally did look at her, she saw the pain that had always been there, since the first time she saw him being told he was on ice for 60 years. It mirrored her own and she knew why her and Steve were able to get along. 

“You shouldn’t blame yourself. If we're going all the way back, then the blame should really fall on me, for not looking for him when he fell from that train,” Steve said, looking up at the sky. Natasha was silent and started to speak but Steve cut her off. 

“Thank you for telling me the truth, finally,” Steve acknowledged and she nodded her head. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she told him and he shook his head. 

“I understand why. You don’t have to apologize for anything but there’s something you need to know,” Steve said. 

“When we were fighting Tony, there was an accident. He was trying to protect me but Tony fired and destroyed his metal arm. When the battle was done, he was barely conscious and we had nowhere to go, until T’Challa found us. He offered Bucky asylum in Wakanda. I didn’t know he was going to do this, believe me I didn’t, but when I came out of the hospital he told me he wanted to go back on ice, at least until they fixed the mind control that HYDRA installed,” Steve explained and Natasha froze. 

“He chose to be put back in cryo?” she asked, stunned, and he nodded his head. 

“I couldn’t stop him. He told me he couldn’t trust his mind. T’Challa’s sister told me she will be working day and night to find a way to undo the brainwashing on his mind so that way they can start to get him the help he needs.” Steve closed his eyes a moment. “I just got my friend back and I lost him again,” Steve added and looked at Natasha who smiled bitterly. 

“I wish that maybe if he knew about you, it would motivate him more-” Steve tried and Natasha cut him off. 

“Steve, you can’t tell James about our past. I can’t put that on him. He needs to remember himself.” Steve stared at her as if she could hear the words she didn’t say:  _ I don’t want hope.  _ He nodded his head and understood. 

“So what do we do now?” she asked and his hollow laugh filled the silence. 

“We do what we’ve always done. Help others,” he stated and she smiled up at him with a glint in her eye.

“I think I know where to start,” she told him and he raised an eyebrow. 

“Me too,” he said and she returned the eyebrow raise. 

“And what’s on your agenda, Rogers?” she asked him and he held up the white package. 

“I’ve got some mail to send,” he stated, with a hint of seriousness in his voice however Natasha let it go and told him that she had an idea for where to start after that.

“Really? And where’s that?” he challenged her and she smiled 

“I know a couple of people in prison that need a little saving,” she told him to think of Clint and his family. They all needed to be let out of that terrible place. 

“You know it’s underwater right?” Steve asked and Natasha smirked. 

“It shouldn’t be a problem,” Natasha told him with a dangerous glint in her eyes. 

.

.

.

And that was exactly where Natasha found herself a couple hours later. It was easy enough to sneak in, taking a page out of Agent Hill’s book by dressing up like they were prison guards. Natasha finally understood what Hill was talking about: those helmets do squish your brain. 

A part of her wondered if that’s why they always seem so brainwashed; they probably couldn’t even think for themselves with a helmet so tight. After they were in, it was easy to take over. This prison was designed to hold people like them; it was meant to keep them in, not out. 

Natasha was quick to the computer to access the information they would need while Steve took care of the rest of the guards patrolling. Natasha found it slightly difficult to hack the computer however it was a welcomed challenge. 

“How’s it going?” Steve asked, slightly out of breath as he came in and she smiled. 

“Need a time out, old man?” she asked and he rolled his eyes but didn't reply. He watched her fingers fly across the computer screen and with one last entry on the computer screen, she was done. 

“We’re in,” she announced her phone took over control of the whole system. They made their way down to the prison section and watched as the lights started to turn on one by one as they walked closer to where their friends were being held. 

The sight of walking in there and seeing them imprisoned sparked a fire in her. Seeing Clint alone behind bars froze her core, however it was seeing Wanda shaking back and forth in a straitjacket that made her anger return. She was quick to release them and ran to get Wanda out of that terrible thing. 

“Natasha?” she asked, blinking in shock.

“What? You didn’t think we’d just leave you here,” Natasha said, undoing the last of her chains. Wanda reached and hugged her tightly. 

“It’s ok. I’m so sorry you were in there for so long,” Natasha said, patting her on the shoulder. To be honest, Natasha was terrible when it came to girls and friendship but it seemed easy with Wanda. She looked past her to see Clint smiling at her. She looked at him with nervous eyes not quite sure what to do but he nodded his head encouragingly.

Natasha wrapped her arms around Wanda and held tightly as she could knowing that she needed someone there to be there for her. Natasha knew that she would always be there to help her, no matter what. Clint eventually walked over and joined him. 

“Am I allowed in this hugging action?” he asked and Natasha gave him the finger. He took that as a perfect sign to join. It felt good to have him back even though she knew that there were going to be consequences to his actions. She held them a little tighter knowing that this may be the last time that they could be together for a while. 

“I thought group hugs were for kindergartners,” Sam said, stepping in to ruin the perfect moment however when Natasha looked up at him, she couldn’t help but smile. 

“You're just jealous because you weren’t invited,” Natasha said and he rolled his eyes. The rest of the Avengers joined them outside of Wanda’s cage and they walked out to meet them. 

“Let's get you guys home,” Steve said as they walked out of the prison together as a team. Natasha didn’t once turn her back. She missed them. Some might call them vigilantes, heroes, or dangerous but to Natasha, they were the only family she had. 

.

.

.

Weeks had gone by and slowly one by one, the Avengers had left the safe house. Clint and Scott were the first since they had families to get back to and Natasha was worried about the consequences they would have to face when they got back.

Suddenly it was only Sam, Wanda, and Steve left and it was peaceful. However they were all growing restless. Natasha and Steve found themselves back on top of a roof of the safe house not quite sure what to do next. 

The safe house was far enough away that they were able to see the night sky for once. They were silent, both too lost in thought to talk. They both jumped when Sam and Wanda discovered their hiding spot. 

“So this is where you two go,” Sam said smirking slightly and Wanda silently took a seat next to Natasha. Wanda gave an encouraging smile to her. 

“How’s Clint?” she asked worriedly and Natasha sighed. 

“I think he’s actually retired this time. They let him off easy with only three years under house arrest so he won’t be able to sneak out and go on missions anymore,” Natasha told Wanda who slowly nodded her head. Natasha could feel the disappointment and she was sure that her own was reflected. 

“What about tic tac?” Sam asked and Steve smirked. 

“Worried about him, Wilson?” Sam glared at Steve. 

“Same punishment,” Natasha told him and he nodded his head. She could tell that Sam was well grateful for Scott stepping in; he still felt terrible for putting him in a position to break the law. Suddenly all four of them were quiet. 

“What happens after this?” Wanda asked, breaking the silence. Steve and Natasha traded glances at each other. 

“We do what we’ve always done,” Steve said.

“We’ll just be outside the law this time,” Natasha added, making sure Wanda knew what she was signing up for. 

“And not as many five star hotels,” Sam snarked in at the end.

“Do you think they’ll still show your Captain America videos to high school students, Steve?” Natasha asked, trying to lighten the mood at the expense of her friend's discomfort. He groaned and placed his head in his hands, embarrassed. 

“That was the worst thing I’ve ever done,” Steve muttered darkly to himself and Sam cracked up. 

“I remember those! I think my favorite is the detention one. Didn’t they make you do a sex education one?” Sam asked playfully and Steve glared at him. 

.

.

.

It wasn’t for another month when they finally made their move. Natasha stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair shined in the lighting and Natasha wished there was another way but wigs could get pulled off in a fight.

She glared at the box filled with blond hair dye sitting innocently next to the sink before sighing. Wanda had helped cut her hair shorter and now all that was left was to dye it. Everyone agreed that red was too recognizable. She read the instructions and slowly painted her hair with the dye.

She hated every second of it and halfway through Steve came in to watch her as she rinsed out the dye in the sink.

“It looks nice,” he said and she glared at him as she looked in the mirror and instead of seeing blazing red she was met with a sun-kissed blond. 

“It’s going to take some getting used to,” she said and he chuckled.

“Believe me, I understand,” he commented, petting his beard. Natasha smiled; she wasn’t the only one that had to change her appearance a little. Sam, on the other hand, didn’t have to change anything because for better or for worse no one knew him.

“Oh man, you make a killer blond, Natasha,” Sam said coming up from behind the door and she threw the hair dye box at him.

“The red was nice too,.” he added and she glared at him. He held his hands up before walking away slowly. Steve just shook his head at both of them.

“Are you ready to get a move on?” he asked and she nodded her head.

“Good. We leave in an hour,” Steve said before walking away. Natasha was left in the bathroom alone and she looked at herself one last time in the mirror and for once, she didn’t mind what she saw.

.

.

.

Everything was cold. He felt as if every part of his body was being bathed in ice. He tried to open his eyes but they were frozen shut. He only felt one arm shift slightly but the other was unresponsive. His mind went into full panic mode as he struggled. 

He could hear people around him speaking but he could understand what they were saying. Next thing he knew, he could feel this sting sensation in his arm before everything went dark again. 

_ He could feel himself falling when he suddenly hit the ground and red was everywhere. He could still hear Steve calling out his name yet he watched as the blood slowly transformed into hair.  _

_ James watched entranced by this woman with fiery red hair. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He wanted to know who she was. He wanted to know how he knew her. He’d had this dream before, he could remember it now. He tried to reach out to her only she was always just out of his grasp. _

_ Just a little more he told himself before everything once again went dark.  _

The next time James woke up from the cryo induced sleep, he was more aware of his surroundings. He forced himself to relax even when he couldn't feel his metal arm anymore. He opened his eyes slowly and that unbearable cold wasn’t there anymore. 

“Sergeant Barnes.” He could hear someone call out to him. His eyes scanned the room before landing on a teenager in a lab jacket. 

“Hello, Sergeant Barnes. My name is Shuri. You are in Wakanda, do you remember that much?” she asked him softly. James processed what she told him and nodded his head slowly. He thought about the last thing he remembered and Steve was here. 

“How long has it been?” he asked her and Shuri smiled softly at him before approaching him slowly. She kept her hands visible at all times and she stood next to his bed. 

“I’m afraid, Sergeant Barnes, that it took us a lot longer than expected to remove the brainwashing,” she told him, looking disappointed. 

“How long have I been out?” he asked and she looked back up at him with a new determination. 

“It’s been three and a half months,” she told James and he nodded his head. Almost another four months of his life on ice. 

“You were able to get rid of it though right?” he asked desperately. James needed to get past this he didn’t want to live in fear any longer. 

“Yes, Sergeant Barnes, we were able to successfully remove any sort of triggers you had,” she told him with total confidence and James found himself starting to like Shuri right away. 

“Thank you,” he told her and she smiled. 

“I’m afraid, Sergeant Barnes, that my part was only the easy part. Unfortunately, we could not help you with your memory loss since they were suppressed by your own mind. The hard part will be going through and getting to those memories. But we have the resources here to help you but only if you want to remember,” she told him and her words froze him. Did he want those memories back? Did he want to remember all of the awful things he’d done? 

James thought about the dream with the girl that had fiery red hair. Just with a single thought about her and he felt his heart rate speed up. And Shuri could tell as well, being that he was hooked up to the heart monitor. Shuri looked at it with interest, however thankfully didn’t comment. 

He had to know her. She was a key to something much bigger than what he knew. James knew that he would never be able to forget about her no matter how hard he tried. 

A word played over and over again in his head and he wanted to know what it meant:  _ Red _

“I’ll do it,” he told her and Shuri nodded her head looking pleased. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are having a great holiday! Thank you crazyevildru for betaing this chapter (note that the dates are important). Alright that's it next update will be 1/13. I hope you guys like the direction I decided to take the story in. As always let me know what you think at the bottom. Also if you're a vampire academy fan I will have a new story being posted soon!

_March 2017_

Her concerned gaze was on him as his head was against the tile floor. He couldn’t stop shaking and there was a fear in Ramonda’s eyes as she watched him force himself to remember.

James pushed his head further into the tile trying to cool his burning body down. Everything was flashing through his mind all at once and he couldn’t stop himself as he felt another wave of nauseous takeover.

“Sergeant Barnes maybe we shouldn’t push this,” Ramonda told him, her eyes filled with that same motherly concern he saw every time he was like this. Her light pink sundress hurt his eyes under the fluorescent lights in the bathroom.

James lifted his head to throw up once again in the toilet. He would have to remember to get her flowers after this session. She rubbed his back and held back his damp hair.

As if the floodgates finally spring in his mind trying to repeat the voice, he heard on the phone he shouted in pain. His hands clutched the side of his head and Ramonda’s scared cries were muted by the sound of _her_.

All James could hear and see was her. Her fiery red against the snow to her burning green eyes as she glared at him from the floor. He’d seen that expression before. He wanted her to hate him; he wanted her to stay away because he knew that he wouldn’t have the strength to stay away from her.

A newer image passed through his mind. A simple string of words that he had forgotten had been whispered to him a year ago. Her last breath had still been an attempt to bring back his memories of her.

“You could at least recognize me,” she had told him as she clawed at him to let her go. He hated himself at that moment. He wanted to understand why she never told him, all the secret messages and meanings that he never understood made sense now. Suddenly it was as if he was being given the key to all her secrets and they were pouring into his mind.

When his mind finally came back to the present, Ramonda’s frightened face was the first thing he saw. He groaned at the pounding of his head and she sighed in relief.

“Sergeant Barnes, can you hear me?” she asked and he nodded his head slightly. She breathed in and helped him off the floor. She helped him back to his bed and the second his body hit the comforter all he wanted to do was rest. However, he was too afraid to close his eyes not knowing if he would be able to remember it in the morning. 

“A long time ago Natalia Romanova made me remember what it was like to feel human,” James told her, his vision blurring slightly. Ramonda’s eyes widened at that and she grabbed her notebook without another word. Her eyes passed over his open backpack with its contents spilled out over the floor; a shining phone caught her eye however she hurried back to his side.

“Is she the one from your dreams, Sergeant Barnes?” Ramonda asked him and he nodded his head. He closed his eyes and all he saw was her face. It didn’t matter if she changed her name, it would always be her.

“She doesn’t go by that anymore,” James said as his eyes closed. His fist clenched in anger as her face became clear as day. She hadn't changed a bit when he first met her. The fire in her eyes burned bright and all he felt was betrayal. 

“Her new name is Natasha Romanoff,” he whispered and he could hear her pen stop scribbling down in her journal.

“Are you sure?” she asked him, completely shocked by the new evidence.

“Positive,” he said with closed eyes as he looked at the woman he loved, the woman who lied to him.

.

.

.

_Present Day_

_July 2016_

The view from the window was breathtaking. Wakanda’s sunrises were like no other that he’d ever seen. It left a hollow feeling in James' chest as he stared out into the sky getting lost in the mixture of reds, pinks, and yellows. James felt free as he watched from his seat. No chains were holding him down as he watched the sunrise; it was pure bliss.

“Sergeant Barnes?” Someone called out bringing him back to reality where he was finally free however freedom didn’t mean all-knowing. Instead, James was back in his psychotherapist’s spacious office where he was there trying to regain his stolen memories.

“Where were you back there?” she asked him and James analyzed her. It’s been two months since they started these sessions and they’ve been helpful even though James was no closer to finding out who the woman with fiery red hair was. James was suddenly taken back two months ago when they first started in May

.

.

.

_May 2016_

He closed his eyes and all he saw was blood dripping from his bare hands. The feeling of war surrounded him as the sound of a bullet casing crashing against the ground matched the pace that a body fell with each bullet.

With everybody that falls another name was added to a list in his ledger dripping red. James heard the sound of screams that kept him awake at night. Suddenly from everywhere, blood was dripping and when he tried to wipe his hands clean it was no use.

_“Complete your mission, James.”_ A beautifully haunting voice whispered to him as the scene changed and he held the gun to women. His finger was on the trigger and every muscle in his body resisted from pulling the trigger.

The scene changed and all he felt was pain as he was held down and screamed out as they wiped away whatever emotion he had left. He watched as his eyes changed; he was now the perfect soldier, the perfect prisoner. A wolf trapped in a sheep’s body.

“Sergeant Barnes?” A woman called out to James and his eyes snapped open. He snapped his eyes open and for some reason, he was completely out of breath. He grabbed hold of the chair with his one hand to the point where it broke.

He looked down in shock as that happened before he turned his confused gaze to the woman that stood outside the door. She looked at the chair with a slight smile.

“I’m sorry,” he said, putting the broken piece down next to him.

“That’s alright, Sergeant Barnes, that chair has seen better days. Now I can finally get a new one. My name is Ramonda.” He nodded his head. She opened the door wider for him to enter.

James noticed how she was dressed. She wore a simple but modest yellow dress that covered her knees. Her hair was done up nicely and the only jewelry she wore was a wedding ring that shined when it hit sunlight. 

She was dressed to be able to get away in case something was to happen, James thought to himself, which was smart. The office was spacious with a large window that overlooked the natural terrain of Wakanda.

James looked at the couch and took that as his place to sit. He found it nice that he didn’t find himself sinking into it. She took a seat across from him. There was a coffee table between them that was clear of anything on it besides a simple black notebook, a pen, and an iPad.

Within seconds James was able to gather that this woman was wealthy and, in fact, probably didn’t even need to work. The room itself looked as if it was designed for her and there were discrete guards posted around the corners.

“I can’t possibly imagine what you’ve found already to be so interesting but then again I may be a little rusty,” she told him, breaking his train of thought. He looked down feeling guilty for analyzing her right off the bat. It was a nasty habit, one that seemed like he couldn’t break.

“Oh no that’s quite alright, Sergeant Barnes, you’ve been through a lot from what I have gathered, I want you to be comfortable here,” she told him and James studied her. Nothing that she’d told him had been a lie.

“I know you probably already have the best escape route picked out in case something was to happen,” she added. She was correct but James didn’t tell her that he came to this place for the past week to scout the area around it. He didn’t tell her that he already knew how to disable her and make it to the exit with the fewest amounts of interactions as possible. Instead, he used those reasons to remind him why he was here.

“Princess Shuri informed me that you would be my psychotherapist,” James told her and she smiled at him.

“Yes, we will meet together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. However, if you find that you need an emergency session then you can come over here immediately. My office hours are listed and here is my phone number in case the office is closed.” She handed him a plain white business card with black lettering.

“Someone else made this for you,” he stated before he could even think about what he was saying. She looked at him in surprise however nodded her head.

“Yes, what gave it away?” she asked him and he waved his hand around the office. The walls were a calming sunshine yellow that didn’t hurt your eyes to look at. Her desk was an oak color and the couch was red. Everything in this room had a pop of color.

“I see,” she said and picked up the notebook and pen. James had a feeling she would go for the notebook instead of the iPad. She preferred handwritten things, and probably also liked homemade gifts. James added to the list of things about her.

“Shall we begin, Sergeant Barnes?” she asked, scribbling in the date at the top. James only nodded his head not sure where she planned on taking the session till.

“So, tell me about how your adjustment is in Wakanda. Shuri has told me that it’s only been a few days since you woke up,” Ramonda said and James thought she was putting it nicely.

“Honestly, I love it and I hate it here,” James said truthfully. Ramonda didn’t react when he said that which James was happy about. He didn’t want people to think he was ungrateful for all the things that King T’Challa had done to allow him to stay.

“Let’s start with why you feel that way. Is it the adjustment or is it something else?” she asked and his mind took him back to where he was when he was sitting in that chair, the sound of bullets and bodies hitting the ground.

“It’s silent here and it’s peaceful. However, I’m not used to so much peace. I’m on edge waiting for something to happen and go wrong- for a war to start- and suddenly I’m on the laboratory table being fitted with another arm,” James said and she nodded her head.

“So to put it simply you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop,” she explained and James nodded his head.

“That is expected since you are still not used to it here. Perhaps you could try taking up a hobby?” she suggested and he raised an eyebrow. He wondered what civilians did in Wakanda. He looked down at his missing arm and frowned.

“You know just because you're missing an arm does not mean there is nothing you can do,” she told him and laughed. There was nothing special about him without that arm. He probably would be dead without his metal arm. HYDRA cut off any pieces of his arm left so that way it would move more fluently.

“I’m nothing without the arm,” he told her and she frowned.

“Then maybe it’s a good thing you don’t have it,” Ramonda said. His eyes widened at her statement and he looked up at her. She kept a blank expression on her face and waited for him.

“Sergeant Barnes, you are a human who has gone through traumatic events. You need to recognize that it was because you were able to survive those events and not because of an arm,” she stated honestly and he looked down.

“I’m not a victim,” he told her. She made him out to seem like the things he did to survive were decent. He wasn’t Steve. Nothing he did under HYDRA was for the good of others. He was a monster.

“Sergeant Barnes, you were brainwashed to the point where they stole your whole identity from you for 75 years. Do you understand that most people would be dead by now?” she said and James peaked up when she said that.

He remembered the feeling of emptiness and coldness that swept over him. James remembered waking out from his daze mid-mission to see the horrors he’s done to others. He wanted nothing more than to end it however every time, something held him back.

When he closed his eyes, he could see something playing out inside his head. His mind took him back to the small apartment in Romania only it looked different.

_“You’re a good man, James,” a woman said. Her red hair was sprawled across the bed as she laid her head on his chest. His human fingers ran through her fiery hair as his metal arm gripped her waist._

_He froze at her words to him and looked down at her. Her face was blurred slightly but he knew that every time he looked at her his breath was taken away. She was beautiful and James still wasn’t sure how he had her in his arms to this day._

_“Not really. No,” he said, shaking his head. James’ mind went back to the people he was forced to kill today. He shivered and pulled her closer to him. She reached up and pushed some of his hair out of his face._

_Her hands were small and delicate however they were covered in bruises and beaten raw. He didn’t understand how but he knew that she was the same as him. He knew that she had just as much red on her ledger. She was a wolf, just like him._

_“But you’re the only one who understands that,” he told her, kissing the top of her head. He breathed in her scent wishing this moment could freeze. He felt truly at peace there knowing that he was someone she could trust made him think that one day he could be more than a killing machine._

“I was an experiment gone wrong, not a victim,” he told her, opening his eyes. He could never call himself a victim, not when every night he saw _their_ faces. He knew that he could never call himself a victim, not after all the terrible things he’d done.

“Sergeant Barnes, if that’s how you want to see yourself then there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. However, maybe you can never change the past but you can change the future.”. He looked up at her wondering what she was talking about.

“Do you think you’re the only one that feels this kind of guilt in the world?” Ramonda asked and he stared into her brown eyes in wonder.

“Veterans return home every day from war and they suffer from the same guilt you are. You don’t have to agree but I want you to think about what I’ve told you about before our next meeting.” 

James thanked her before silently walking out the door.

.

.

.

_July 2016_

“You look like a man in desperate need of coffee,” Ramonda chuckled before getting up out of her seat to go grab him a cup. He tried to protest however his yawn halfway through betrayed him.

“So, I take it that sleep has not found you yet?” she asked him and handed him a cup.

“Thank you and no, I’m afraid sleep hasn’t been my friend lately,” James replied and she wrote something down.

“What do you do instead of sleep?” she asked and James' mind went to the gym and the endless workout out routines to help exhaust himself enough to sleep. His muscles were still aching from today’s rigorous routine but just because he was benched right now from missions didn’t mean he could let himself go.

“Just lift a couple weights here and there,” he muttered while taking a sip of his coffee. She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him, knowing that a couple weights were the understatement of the century.

“Do you prefer to work alone?” she asked and he nodded his head.

“It’s a little hard to find a sparring partner at two in the morning,” James explained while looking back down at his feet. The truth was he wasn’t sure he wanted one; he may only have one arm however he knew that he was still considered dangerous.

Over the past month, he learned to realize that there were many things in life he could still do even with only one arm. Ramonda took this start as a sign of progress of his healing. Even though James knew he was far from healthy, things weren’t as bleak as they once were.

“That is true. Do you miss the fighting?” she asked and he didn’t know how to answer that. There was always that pull to go out and do something however the results that came with war were a price too high for him.

“I miss the feeling of usefulness. I was good at fighting and I was good on missions but it’s just the consequences that came from it are what keeps me away from it,” he answered and she nodded her head.

“Would you ever consider joining Captain Rogers?” she asked and James choked on what he was thinking. He wiped his face with his hands and blinked several times.

“That response wasn't confident,” she explained and he shook his head, still coughing slightly from the coffee going down the wrong pipe.

“I don’t have a great relationship with his friends,” he explained to her and she raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t think that they would accept you because of your past, correct?” she asked, trying to know the source of why he was so against the idea of him joining Captain Rogers.

“I tried to kill half of them at least. That’s a big part of it. I mean... look at me: I’m a HYDRA weapon that just got the ability to have someone control my mind fixed. My resume to join the Avengers is not too strong,” he said, laughing at the idea of him ever being called an Avenger.

“Sergeant Barnes, don’t most of the Avengers come from backgrounds similar to yours? I believe that if you wanted to join the Avengers it wouldn’t be because of your past. I believe that your past puts you above the rest since you know what it’s like to have your freedom taken away and you wouldn’t want that for anyone else. Am I correct?” she asked him, staring him down and he couldn’t meet her gaze.

“So what is the real reason why you won’t join the Avengers?” she asked and he gulped, taking a deep breath in. He stared at his coffee and wondered about the real reason himself. Flashes of people’s faces went through his mind and it made his stomach turn.

“I’m not ready to get blood on my hands again,” he stated and she nodded her head.

“But you do miss the battle,” she stated for further clarification. He nodded his head, trying to get a grip on himself. He needed to be able to move on and find himself.

“Sergeant Barnes, I believe you need more time to heal. It is great that you recognize your need for time before you want to go back out there again. However, if the Avengers isn’t the goal for what you want to do after this then it might be worth thinking about.” He nodded his head, setting the coffee mug down gently on the table.

“Thank you, Ramonda,” he said before leaving.

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.

.

The shining lights that filled Shuri’s lab once again blinded his eyes. James still always found himself floating to the edge of the lab, which led right into a cave where all the vibranium was held.

“Oh, Sergeant Barnes, good! Thank you for coming!” Shuri called out as she ran into the lab. She was out of breath but with an excited glint in her eyes.

“What’s up, Princess?” he asked and she frowned, crossing her arms. He knew she hated being called a princess. Shuri gave him the middle finger and he gasped in surprise.

“Oh my, a princess shouldn’t use those obscene gestures,” he teased and she rolled her eyes about to say something else when T’Challa’s voice suddenly came through. James jumped as the speaker went off and Shuri started to squeal.

“What’s going on? Where’s T’Challa?” James asked, looking at the speakerphone and even tapped it to see what it would do.

“Sergeant Barnes, don’t be an idiot and get in,” Shuri called out and when he turned around there was an outline of a car that he was almost positive was not there before.

“Was this always there?” he asked as she ignored him and got into the driver's seat.

“Fuck it,” he said as he joined her in the passenger seat. There was excitement in her eyes as she asked T’Challa where they were going and suddenly the windshield didn’t show the lab. It showed the busy city streets of somewhere.

“Wait which side of the road is it?” Shuri asked and T’Challa yelled something back at her. James looked at the windshield and then stuck his head out the window to see that they were still in her lab.

“What the hell is this?” he asked and she cackled and James thought that he’d never been more terrified in his whole life.

“Are you even old enough to drive?” he asked her in a panicked voice as she hit the ignition. Suddenly the scene changed and he could hear someone calling out of the roof. James stuck his head out the window just to make sure that they were still in her office and sighed in relief.

“It depends on what country they are in,” she answered and then took one hand off the wheel much to his displeasure and handed him a box. He opened it and saw a tiny clear circular dot with some sort of technology in it.

“Put it behind your ear,” Shuri said, keeping her eyes on the road. James did as instructed and suddenly he could hear that it wasn’t just T’Challa, it was Nakai and Okoye too.

“Sergeant Barnes has come out to play!” Shuri cried out as they practically flew over a hill. James grabbed the handlebar in front of him in pure panic.

“Oh no, he’s in for a treat,” Nakai said, warning however it was too late as Shuri pressed harder on the pedal. James was worried he was going to be sick with all the sharp turns they were making.

“They’re splitting up,” Okoye said.

“We'll take the ones on the right,” Nakai said and Shuri suddenly started to speed up as they took alleyway short cuts. James cursed out several times as they narrowly missed several cars.

Horns were blaring in the distance and despite the panic and fear, it all felt familiar. The rush of the car and the action were all things he’d been through before. Even Shuri’s crazy driving reminded him of something and it left him feeling hollow.

“We're not going to make it,” Shuri stated with traffic suddenly taking a turn for the worse and Shuri went to hit the breaks.

“Keep going,” T’Challa said and James wanted to cry out asking how insane he was when suddenly their whole view changed from horizontal to vertical. James watched in amazement as they made it past all the cars and suddenly the car with a loud bang was back on the ground.

“I don’t like this,” James muttered and Shuri laughed.

“Karma’s a bitch,” Shuri said and T’Challa scolded her.

“Language,” T’Challa said before cursing himself.

“Language,” Shuri called back at him and James laughed before suddenly they felt a weight lift off the roof and a sudden bump in the road. Shuri and James both looked at each other with worried eyes.

“Brother, what was that?” Shuri asked and James already knew. He’d driven over his fair share of bodies before.

“Ignore it! You're doing great!” T’Challa called out and Shuri sped up. The sounds of bullets filled their ears and James tried to keep his eyes on the road, not wanting to miss a single piece of the action.

James watched as T’Challa leaped onto the car next to them and his whole suit sent out some kind of blast.

“Show off,” Shuri muttered and James watched in awe at this whole experience. Is this what those video games were like? James wondered.

“Faster Shuri,” T’Challa said when suddenly there was a blast of light and they were both being dropped down on the ground.

“Ow,” James said at the unexpected fall.

“Sorry about that. I’m still working out everything,” Shuri said, rubbing her behind. James stared at her like she was a crazy person.

“Next time I should drive,” James said and she pouted.

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.

.

_He shouldn’t be there. He knew this much. He shouldn’t be there watching her and wanting her like he was. He shouldn’t be thinking about how much better she looked with red hair rather than blond however he couldn’t help himself._

_He felt like a man dying of thirst in the hot desert and she was his mirage, something he could see and get close to but never touch. He studied her and how much she’d changed over the years. She looked the same but different in every way._

_He’d heard about the famous Black Widow over the past two years and her amazing success. Each story brought a sense of pride in him that he had to hide. He wasn’t allowed to feel the things he felt for her._

_He made that mistake and they were separated. HYDRA wanted a machine, an asset, not a human that could feel. So he killed for them and slowly regained their trust and now she was his mission. Recruiting her to join him on the special tasks was the mission he was given._

_Not stalk her on her mission and also her apartment. But all he could think about was all the time that had gone by since he last saw her and how every day he’d missed her and kept thinking that every mission that was a success brought them closer together._

_He watched her from afar. He found the perfect view from the top of the building next to her class. He could watch her and her interactions. She played the part perfectly from the pouty lips to the almost cheerful look on her face._

_He watched the professor want her and even touched her. He felt white-hot rage burning inside him as the professor touched her. He watched her walk out of the classroom looking completely natural however he knew her well enough to know that she didn’t like being touched by that scum._

_So when he watched the professor leave and watch her walk away he couldn’t help the anger that ran through his body. He couldn’t help it as he waited for him in his office. He saw the fear that took over the professor’s face as he walked into the room realizing that he was never going to leave._

_Cutting off his hand was the most satisfying part of it. He made sure to take his time and to make the professor watch as it happened. He would learn never to put his filthy hands on what wasn’t his ever again. This kill wasn’t a mission, it was personal and he knew it was as he sliced his throat from ear to ear._

_He was just finishing up when he heard a knock on the door. He was halfway through the window before the second knock however her voice caught his attention. Suddenly the mirage was there right in front of him and he couldn’t help but taste her._

_Her panicked green eyes met his and she calmed down at the sight of him before. A swirl of emotions took place in her eyes and she kissed him back with as much force as him. It was angry and bitter, but she was in his arms and he didn’t care._

James awoke with a gasp and shivered as the cool air hit his heated body. He was sweating profoundly as he clutched his aching chest. His heart was moving a million miles per second and he tried to calm himself down.

He’d had dreams like that before but they were always in flashes. Never a full out dream like this. His heart longed for him to go back and who she was. He wanted to know who was so special that HYDRA completely wiped her out of his mind.

He screamed out in frustration, as no matter what he did, he couldn’t remember what she looked like. She was blond in the dream however he knew that she was still the fiery redhead from the flashes he saw of her. 

The same hollow feeling in his chest took over after every dream he’d ever had of her. He was so close to seeing her yet HYDRA’s memory wipes were too powerful that he couldn’t try and see her face on his own. The feelings in his chest reminded him that he was human.

He ran his hand over his face as he got off his bed. He needed to get some air. The little cottage normally provided comfort however now it felt like it was suffocating him.

He changed into something to go running in. He enjoyed the feeling of relaxation that took over as he ran away from the feelings of pain and guilt that threatened to swallow him whole. 

He needed to be able to keep himself grounded. She wasn’t going to be there to keep him sane. The running led him in a different direction from the gym. It went a more scenic route around the lake. He let his body lead him to where he needed to go. James needed to get all this energy out of him.

After an hour of running, James gave his lungs a break as he stopped at a tree and let his body rest against it. A sudden sound of splashing water caught his attention as he turned his head just in time to see a tiny hand go under.

He didn’t even think about what he was doing as he dove into the water after that tiny hand. He didn’t stop even for a second to think that he might not even be able to swim without his metal arm.

The water stung his eyes as he opened them. It was pitch black and impossible to see anything due to the time of day it was. He tried to open and close his eyes however it was no use. He blindly reached his arm out trying to feel his way around.

His hand finally grasped onto something that felt like hair and he yanked it towards him, afraid of letting go and losing the kid. He didn’t waste a second as he grabbed a hold of the kid and heavily relied on his legs to push them to the surface.

He broke through the surface gasping for air and swam his way to the shore where he placed the kid on the ground and checked for a pulse. He breathed a sigh in relief when he felt one; it was weak but it was still a pulse.

He tried shaking the kid awake however he was completely unresponsive and with the pulse fading rapidly, James had no choice but to start CPR. James wasn’t even sure if he was doing it correctly with only one hand, however, he knew that he had to try something.

He made it through his first 30 chest compressions before checking a pulse and repeating. James tried harder, thinking that he couldn’t let this kid die on him. He was too young; he shouldn’t be the one on death’s doorstep.

“Come on, Kid,” James said about start another 30 when suddenly the kid coughed and James quickly turned him on his side and kept him that way as the kid got the water out of his lungs.

James let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding as he watched the kid cough up all the water in his lungs. When he let it all out, James let him lie back down on his side. They made eye contact for a second before the kid completely passed out. James checked to make sure he was still alive before picking the kid up and running.

He was completely soaked from head to toe and his clothes weighed him down but he couldn’t think about anything besides getting this child to a hospital. James had no idea how far away he was from the city however hoped that he was heading in the right direction.

He was already exhausted from his run before and his legs ached from swimming. He pushed himself to do better. He needed to move quicker as he sped up. He ran like his life depended on it and when he finally hit the city he ran quicker as the sun came up over them.

He ran around the empty streets looking for the hospital since there wasn’t a soul in sight on Saturday morning at 5. His teeth were chattering and his body was shaking as he held the boy against him, pulling him closer to give him warmth.

He almost collapsed as he finally was met with a red and white sign that meant hospital. He ran towards it and burst through the doors. A nurse bolted awake as he slammed the doors open and, still half awake, she blinked groggily.

“Please, he needs help!” James called out to her and she instantly was towards him paging a doctor to come. The boy was taken out of his arm within seconds and placed on a hospital bed while a nurse was asking him what happened. His eyes trailed the kid who was taken behind large doors.

“I found him in a lake, he was drowning,” James spoke softly as his worried gaze traced the doors. He needed that kid to be ok, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do if he wasn’t.

“Were you able to get all the water out?” the nurse asked him and he nodded his head suddenly worried that maybe his one arm wasn’t enough to perform CPR. He looked over at the nurse and traced her gaze to his arm and knew she was thinking the same thing.

“Is there somewhere I can wait?” he asked her and she nodded her head and pointed towards a room full of chairs where some people sat with their heads turned towards them.

He slowly took a seat away from the others and kept his head down, trying not to draw attention to himself. He was here to wait and make sure the kid was ok and then leave. There was nothing more to be done; he wasn’t family and it would be weird for him to visit. One good thing couldn't cancel out the years of bad.

An hour went by before James heard anything. A woman came running into the hospital room holding a crying three-year-old in her arms and another came in right after her looking around 13 to 15. He nervously looked around as the mother sobbed asking where her son was.

“Ma’am, I need you to calm down and take a couple deep breaths. Your son is fine. When we got to him all the water had been cleared out of his lungs. He fainted due to lack of oxygen. We will take you to his room right away.” That was enough for James to know as he walked out of the hospital, keeping his head down.

He exited and the sun was shining down and it blinded him slightly. James walked a little farther away from the hospital trying to put as much distance between him and what just happened. He couldn’t lie to himself and say that he wasn’t affected when he heard that the kid was ok.

He smiled slightly as he walked through the busy streets of Wakanda. Everything here was different to him. From the clothes they wore to the way they talked to one another. It was all friendly and open, none of which James was used to.

He walked away from the city and back to his home and when he finally was back sitting by the lake near his house, he looked down at his missing limb. Everything he did was without the arm that he believed was his identity.

All of his beliefs were proven wrong in a single morning and he wondered what else in life he could do without his arm. Maybe Ramonda was right, maybe he didn’t need the arm as much as he thought he did.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow first update of the year! I hope you guys are all doing well it's been a busy time trying to finish this story. Sorry for the updates being every two weeks here is a nice long chapter. I'm hoping I can switch back to an update a week again soon. Thank you again to crazyevildru for betaing this chapter as always! Next update will be 1/27 and let me know what you guys think of the story!

_ July 2016 _

James found himself hiding out in Shuri’s lab again. A part of him still couldn’t believe what had just happened while another part was filled with anxiety. It had only been a day since he saved the kid but James still hadn’t heard anything else about him. The doctors said that he was alright but what if it wasn’t enough?

“Sergeant Barnes, your constant tapping is disturbing my work,” Shuri called up and James didn’t even realize that his hand was moving against the table. With an apologetic shrug, he placed his hand in his lap as he explored new weapons that Shuri was planning on making.

“So what do you think?” she asked as he stared at the same gun for over ten minutes know.

“It’s good,” he told her and she scoffed.

“Sergeant Barnes, what is going on?” she asked and he blinked at her.

“What?” He was confused and she took the designs away from him.

“You always have something to fix. It’s going to be unevenly distributed, Shuri. The handle isn’t high enough, Shuri, or the colorings all wrong, Shuri.” She laughed, mimicking him and he glared at her.

“It’s nothing,” James told her and she rolled her eyes.

“Alright, White Wolf,” she said and he froze.

“White wolf?” he asked and she gave him a confused look.

“Yeah, that’s what all the kids call you now after you saved that kid’s life yesterday,” she stated and he groaned.

“Didn’t you notice the flowers on your doorstep today?” she asked and now that he thought of it he remembered his boots crushing some leaves as he stepped out of the doorway. He cringed slightly at stepping on a gift.

“So that’s what that was,” he muttered and Shuri looked at him as if she was in disbelief.

“You didn’t think that they wouldn’t recognize you, Sergeant Barnes. A white man with one arm is pretty descriptive in Wakanda,” she explained and he sighed.

“I just didn’t want anything in return,” James mumbled to her.

“It’s not your tradition. I wouldn’t be surprised if kids start to crowd around your cot and your hut,” she stated but he hoped she was joking.

“Next thing you know you’ll be walking around with flowers in your hair and children on each of your side,” Shuri said and he scoffed.

“Yeah right. The day I don’t send kids running in the opposite direction I’ll let you make me a suit,” he told her and she smirked devilishly.

“Remember that bet, White Wolf,” Shuri said and James rolled his eyes before walking out of her lab.

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_ The air around them chilled him as he watched from the top of a hill as a car drove around a tight corner. Everything was dark however his eyes were glued to the car. He was calm, he was ready, and he understood his mission. _

__

_ There was no hesitation as he took his shot. He never missed. With a blank stare, he heard the car screech and spin out of control and the sound of metal hitting water filled the area. _

__

_ The Winter Soldier had one mission: to kill the engineer. He followed the car down its fallen path and watched with mild interest as a woman exited the car. He watched her elegant frame as she quickly pulled the engineer from the passenger seat. _

__

_ That wouldn’t do. His eyes met blond hair and the second relief shown on her face, he took his shoot. She was smart, he thought to himself as her body shielded his target. However, it would be useless against his bullets. _

__

_ He approached her as she stared up at him with panicked eyes and his eyes zeroed in on her as if she were his prey. With every step he took towards her the more he felt as if he was losing control. _

__

_ The moon shined down on her blond hair and it wasn’t right. He lifted her body off the ground. She would die on her knees but when he lifted her something hit the water with a splash. _

__

_ A shocking color of fiery red hair lit up the world around him and he paused, completely entranced by it. Something in him cried out for him to stop but he had his mission. He reached out to touch her hair and his whole mind went blank and suddenly the only thing he could see was red _

__

_ His mission. The Winter Soldier scolded himself. She was his mission and he must complete it. Another part buried deep down cried out telling him his mission was complete. The Winter Soldier had become unbalanced, he had become compromised all at the sight of this woman. _

__

_ A stronger part of the Winter Soldier told him to kill her where she was just for that. He reached up with his gun and turned off the safety but subconsciously he lifted her face so he could see. _

__

_ It was a completely blurry mess to him however he froze at the sight of it. He forced himself to watch her close her eyes expecting defeat and he wanted to yell at her. He wanted to know what happened to the fire. He quickly took his hand off her face as if she had burnt him and before he could even comprehend what he was doing, he brought it down on her head with a sickening crack. _

__

James woke up in a cold sweat waiting for the nightmare to pass. His whole body was paralyzed by fear as he gasped for air. Everything in him froze with every breath he took and when he finally managed to calm down his racing heartbeat, he stood up to get off his bed.

His day started the same. His nightmares had shifted past the people he’s murdered to _her._ He was frustrated that he could never see her face and he was afraid because he had no clue what happened after that. He wasn’t even sure how long it's been. There were years between some of the dreams but how many?

_ Was she still alive?  _ That question bubbled to the surface however he shoved back down into his deepest thoughts. He wasn’t ready to know that answer. Not after just scratching the surface trying to find out who she was.

James took the time to write down the things he learned about her.  _ Bullet hole?  _ James tried to think which side of her stomach it would be on. He sighed and looked at a practically empty list. He needed just one good lead. That was all.

He groaned, needing to go for a run and then grab coffee but the second he stepped outside, the whole area was surrounded by children all staring at him. James blinked in surprise and looked down quickly to make sure he hadn’t stepped on their flowers again.

He sighed in relief before turning his attention to the children surrounding his home. James had no idea what was going on, however, he recognized the one as the brother of the boy he saved.

The brother was the first to stand and James eyed him warily as he approached. There was a haunted look in his eyes but then again death did that to someone even if it was just a near-death experience.

“I owe you, White Wolf, a debt for saving my brother Erik’s life,” the boy said and James stood frozen. That was the exact thing he didn’t want to happen. He wanted to remain in the shadows.

“You owe me nothing,” James replied and the boy shook his head.

“You protected my brother when I wasn’t there. My whole family is in your debt,” the boy explained and the children around him started to make noise in agreement. When James went to argue suddenly they all bowed down to the ground and James grew panicked at how he would explain this.

“They're not going to take no for an answer I’m afraid, Sergeant Barnes,” T’Challa said coming up and James looked around lost on what to do. T’Challa walked up and greeted him like an old friend, you know the kind that you attempt to kill but then later find out that they didn’t do the thing you wanted to kill them for so their friend is worthy now.

“How are you, King T’Challa?” James asked and T’Challa smiled at him looking around.

“Not nearly in as much trouble as you are I’m afraid,” T’Challa joked and the kids stayed kneeling on the ground and James groaned.

“Alright look, kid, what do you want?” James asked and the brother perked up.

“I want to be like you,” he said and James froze at the boy’s words. Other words flashed in his mind, blurred together and slowly disappeared before James could even grasp them.

“Believe me, you don’t,” James told them and T’Challa stayed silent in this affair.

“I want to be as strong as you so that way I can protect those I care about. I want you to teach me, us,” he said and James held pleading eyes with T’Challa who shrugged his shoulder, smirking slightly.

_ Bastard,  _ James thought before deciding how the hell he should deal with the kids in front of him.

“You guys aren’t going to leave until I agree, are you?” James asked, feeling a headache forming. Suddenly his schedule wasn’t going to be as simple as he thought it would be. They all stayed silent with an air of smugness and James closed his eyes.

“Alright,” he said and suddenly all the children were jumping up in the air, cheering and James bit his lip down to keep from smirking.

“First things first: a nice long run,” James called out, giving T’Challa an amused look as he took off.

“I’ll tell Shuri she won the bet,” T’Challa said and James glared at him. Great. Shuri got to make him a suit. James cringed hoping that she didn’t go overboard. A series of groans of protest followed him as he went but for the most part, they all followed and kept pace with James with only a few falling behind.

The brother, who James learned the name was Amare, was constantly next to him ready to learn. James wasn’t used to having people around him, suddenly the wolf had a pack.

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__

_ He shouldn’t be looking at her the way he is. Ever since he saw that fire burning in her eyes he couldn’t keep his hands off her. His hands always lingering longer than normal; he couldn’t help himself. _

__

_ Everything about her drew him in. Her hair intoxicated him and it took everything in him to stay away from her. She was a child, he would scold himself. He wasn’t aware of his age however he was well aware that there were almost ten years between them. _

__

_ When he told her he was leaving they both should have been fine. He didn’t feel fine though; he felt panicked at the thought of never seeing her again and he was scared. All these emotions were swirling in his head. He had something to lose. _

__

_ “How long?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. Her voice cut through him like ice and he flinched. She kept talking however all he could do was look at her. He studied the way her lips turned down and the way her eye twitched. He had all the pieces of her face however they were never placed all together so he could see the full picture. _

__

_ She turned away from him and he slipped up. He made her a promise that he wasn’t sure he could keep. He didn’t know the mission he was going on yet. He didn’t know if he would be wiped at the end. _

__

_ “If,” she reminded him. He wanted nothing more than to turn her around and hold her. All he wanted was her; didn’t she see what he did to him? Didn’t she see that she held his life in her hands? He would do anything for her and she had no idea. _

__

_ “Take the time to think about what you want,” he told her. Think about if you want me was what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her to run, that she could still have a life. She could still find someone less of a monster. _

__

_ “What I want?” she asked, whipping around to face him. Finally, he could see her face. Her eyes burned through him and he felt vulnerable under her gaze. He wanted her to change her mind. To tell him she didn’t want to be his equal, that she wanted to leave the Red Room and he would take her away. He would take her anywhere, no matter the consequences, as long as she was safe. Her lips were moving and he couldn’t focus on what she was saying anymore. He was caught up in studying the shape of them and the way bit down on her bottom lip trying to hold her tongue. _

__

_ He wanted to tell her that he wanted to see her fired up. She was a wolf pretending to be a sheep. He wanted to see her in all her glory. He told her she had a choice and finally, he saw something in her snap and there she was. _

__

_ The wolf has come out to play. _

__

_ “I can promise you that whatever that serum does to me, it’s already been done. I’ve survived in the Red Room because I’ve had to do whatever it takes to survive. I’ve killed people just because of orders. I’ve burnt cities to the ground because I was ordered to. and I’ve slaughtered children because I was ordered to. I know you think that you're trying to protect me from becoming a monster but I can promise that there’s already enough red on my ledger that I’ll never be able to wipe clean.” He could see that with every passing word, he drew closer to her. _

__

_ She could never be a monster to him. Didn’t she understand that in his eyes she was perfect? Everything about her was perfect and any sort of restraint he had left was gone when she stopped talking. He crossed the room and lifted her head like he’d wanted to do for weeks and kissed her. _

__

_ She let out a gasp in surprise and he almost groaned into her. He closed his eyes and panicked that it was too much for her. That this wasn’t what she wanted. _

__

_ He told himself that he’d stop, that just one more so he could memorize the feeling of her lips. However, when her arms snaked around his shoulders and she kissed him back with as much force as him, he couldn’t stop.  _

__

_ It wasn’t simple. It wasn’t sweet. That wasn’t how their relationship was. It burned with every passing second and James tugged at her fiery locks, finally able to run his hand through her hair. _

__

_ He shoved her back until she was up against a wall. They weren’t close enough; they needed to be closer. He untangled one hand out of her hair before lifting her legs to wrap them around his waist. _

__

_ Her chest pressed against his as he breathed her in. Everything that surrounded him was her. He wanted her but when she tried to take his shirt off, he froze. He snapped back to the situation they were in and started to try and slow things down. _

__

_ He shook his head and she dropped her hands. She was 16. He may be a monster but he could never be a monster to her. He was in too deep already and when he stared into her heated gaze, he wanted nothing more than to give her what she wanted. He wanted to show her the things he could do to her. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes only to be greeted by images of him showing her what else he was good at besides fighting. _

__

_ He snapped his eyes open at that thought and luckily her eyes had softened as if realizing why he needed to stop where they were going. He was leaving tonight and he wanted to promise her the world. But how could he do that when he wasn’t even sure he could promise himself to her?  _

__

_ He leaned in, pressing another kiss to lips, not knowing if that may be the last time he would kiss them. She playfully nipped at his lip and groaned. _

__

_ “Red,” he said in a warning tone and she only smiled at him. Her eyes glowed and her lips were red and it was all because of him. _

__

_ 3 words were caught in his throat as he leaned down to press a softer kiss to her lips. He froze and pushed those words down. This wasn’t the time. _

He woke up in a cold sweat and immediately went to the bathroom. He paced back and forth trying to get his breathing back under control. His breathing was shallow and James tried to think about anything besides his nightmares. There was a hollow feeling that took over in his chest as those three words repeated in his head.

He thanked someone that it was a weekday. The kids kept showing up mostly on the weekends due to school. James needed space to think about her. He needed to remember her. He itched to have his jornal with him however it seemed to be lost forever after he was captured by the government. All he wanted to do was to add more and more into the red section hoping that he would never forget. 

Instead he looked in the mirror and pale blue eyes with deep bags under them were there to meet him. He sighed and turned on the faucet, splashing cold water on his face. He needed to get out of the house.

Not even bothering to grab a shirt, he changed into some simple workout pants before taking off towards the gym. He always started his work out with a long run because it helped him calm down and gave him a chance to shake off his nightmares. 

The gym was pretty far away from his small cottage by the lake but he found that he didn’t mind the extra time. It helped him build up stamina in the long run. It was dark at night in Wakanda with the streets being lit up by street lamps.

He was breathing heavily by the end of his journey as he spotted the familiar-looking modern gym. He took comfort at the routine that took place every morning at Wakanda as he started his morning exercises.

James even added a bit of mediation per Ramonda’s request because, apparently, she knew when he did it because of his zen level or some weird shit like that. He took a deep breath before sitting on the floor and gave his aching muscles a break.

He got bored easily and the sound of others fighting caught his attention. Normally there was no one there this early in the morning. James couldn’t help himself as he stood up and walked out of his normal training room.

He moved and found himself walking down the hallway to where two figures were in the fighting ring together. He observed them from afar, careful not to make them aware of his presence.

At first glance, he thought that the man was dominating the female as he watched the man throw punch after punch, putting the female on the defensive. But slowly with the grace of a dancer, the female was able to swipe the man right out from under his feet and he went down with a loud thud and groaned.

James' eyes ignored the man on the ground as his attention was stolen and found the beautiful woman standing in the middle of the ring. His breathing was cut in his throat as she stood over her opponent in victory and, for the first time since he could remember, James was extremely turned on by that sight.

His eyes traced over her figure that was clad in a simple black tank top and leggings. To many other people’s eyes, they might have found her less beautiful because of the sweat that dripped down her body but to James, his imagination went crazy just imagining what else might be dripping-

“Bucky?” a familiar voice called out to him. Like cold water being tossed on him, he finally turned to realize who it was that he had just watched and his first hard-on in almost a century died instantly. His best friend was going to owe him for that one.

But James tried to be positive and saw it as a complete victory. He was starting to get worried that he was going to have to take medication to get it up. He was going to really embarrass himself with that talk with Ramonda.

“I see you still leave your legs wide open,” James said walking out into the light. The closer he got, the more he realized that the women he was looking at were none other than the Black Widow. He closed his eyes trying to calm himself down before approaching completely.

Her gaze moved to study his approaching form and suddenly James grew self-conscious under her intense gaze. James became very aware that he was shirtless and sweaty. He looked down to where his left arm was supposed to be and worried what she would think of him.

Something about her had changed. He glanced at her face before realizing her hair. Without even thinking he blurted out, “You weren’t always blond?” James couldn’t believe he just said that. He just blew it.

“No,” she said, offering no explanation of her hair color change. In fact, she almost seemed resentful towards the hair color change, or that could just be the fact that she hated him.

James couldn’t blame her for that one. If someone shot him twice, he wouldn’t be so quick to forgive. He watched her turn to mutter something to Steve before leaving the gym without so much as a head nod in his direction.

“I’m never going to win that one over am I?” James asked Steve who let out a laugh. James gave Steve a confused glance at why he reacted like that.

“You never know,” Steve told him and James rolled his eyes at him as Steve brought James into a tight hug. It had been almost half a year since he last saw his friend. They were in contact but this was the first time Steve was seeing James without any of Hydra’s control. James managed his best one arm hug for Steve but he didn’t have much practice in this department. James started to pull away and replied

“That’s your eternal optimism coming out. That woman despises me,” James explained to Steve who in response only shook his head muttering something under his breath that James couldn’t hear.

“So what brings you to Wakanda?” James asked, trying to change the subject. Steve thankfully went along with it.

“We needed to take a pit stop somewhere along here and we decided to stop by for a surprise visit. I was going to stop by and see you later this morning since we just got in,” Steve explained stepping up off the ring.

James tossed him a towel to wipe his face with and Steve thanked him politely. They sat down on the bench together and started to catch up.

“I don’t know about you but I’m exhausted. Do you want to grab some coffee?” Steve asked Bucky.

“Sure. There’s a café open 24 hours that we can go to right down the street,” James said and luckily they didn’t mind their clients being shirtless. They walked out together to go towards the café.

“It's calm here,” Steve commented as they approached the place. James laughed, thinking about how crazy it could get sometimes.

“Steve, it’s like 5 in the morning. No one’s running around getting coffee; give it another hour,” he said and Steve smiled.

“Sorry. I still feel a bit jet-lagged from the last mission. I was glad to have Natasha there. I almost got kebabed,” Steve stated and James raised an eyebrow.

“What sort of missions are you two going on that almost gets you kebabed, Steve?” James asked out of concern. He knew how crazy some missions could get, however, that didn't mean it makes it easy to hear the people he cared about in danger.

“Well, we were trying to scout out a compound that used the more old fashion stakes instead of the chained fence and let’s just say I think I need to take Natasha’s advice and start doing yoga or dance with her,” Steve said, wincing slightly.

“Dancing?” James asked. He didn’t know why he was so surprised that the Black Widow danced. For some reason, he felt as if he already knew she danced.

“Yeah, apparently she was forced to perfect almost every style when growing up in the Red Room,” Steve said as they walked up to the café to order their coffee.

“I’ll just have mine black. What about you, Buck?” Steve asked but James was frozen.  _ The Red Room? _ The name rang in his ears; he knew he wrote it down in the book, he knew that it was familiar, he just couldn’t remember the tie in. James wished more than ever that he had his jornal. 

“Bucky?” Steve asked him, snapping James out of his train of thought. The barista was staring at him with wide eyes as she ogled his chest but James ignored that.

“Sorry, what?” James asked Steve, trying to avoid the girl’s eyes. Steve rolled his eyes and asked him what he wanted.

“Oh, just black with some cream,” he told her and she nodded her head while giving his toned stomach an appreciative glance. James tried to pay however Steve wouldn’t let him.

“I’m going to go get us a seat outside,” James offered, trying to get away from the girl’s prying eyes for a second. Steve nodded his head, smirking slightly, as he agreed to wait for the coffees.

James found a seat towards the edge so that way they wouldn’t have to deal with any wandering eyes.

“So you get any girls here?” Steve asked, casually walking up to the table with two coffees. James scoffed as Steve handed him the coffee.

“I’m an unstable 100-year-old man with severe psychological issues and let’s not forget the good old ex-assassin part. I don’t think that’s what the ladies these days are looking for,” James said sarcastically and took a sip of his coffee.

“Well, Nicki sure wants you to call her,” Steve said and James wondered what the hell he was talking about.

“Who the hell is Nicki?” James asked him and Steve tapped the side of his coffee mug that was clean of any markings. James took his hand off the mug and groaned when he saw the hearts at the end of a phone number.

“That is Nicki,” Steve said, smirking slightly. James tried to rub it off his mug.

“Not interested?” Steve asked and James looked up at him. Something was off about his tone and James couldn’t quite place what it was about it. Suddenly it didn’t come off quite as casual as he wanted.

“Not at all,” James said honestly. His mind flashed to the woman in his dreams. How could he possibly try to move on with someone else when he couldn’t even get over her first?

“So not interested whatsoever in dating?” Steve asked and James raised an eyebrow.

“Steve, I'm here to get better, not become the next bachelor. Plus I’m not sure if I’m even able to get it up without a pill,” James stated as he watched Steve choke on the coffee he was drinking with that last line. James found it ironic that he had just found that out this morning. As a side note, he would have to thank Ramonda later for teaching him what the bachelor was.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Steve said turning bright red and James raised an eyebrow.

“How would you know, Stevie? Are you all good down there?” James asked cockily and Steve hid his head in his hands in embarrassment.

“You’re right. Let’s move on. So how’s everything been going? Any memories come back yet?” Steve asked and suddenly James was wondering what Steve wanted him to remember. Something wasn’t adding up with the way he was acting. Steve wasn’t a very good spy, that was for sure. James went along with it, for now, hoping that he could gather his intel on what his friend was trying to learn.

“We think that we have mostly everything before HYDRA and almost all of my missions are back however there’s just this fuzzy period between 2000 to 2009,” James told him and he studied the expression that crossed Steve’s face. James didn’t want to call his best friend a liar but he was hiding something.

“Do you think that maybe something happened to you around that time?” Steve asked and James shrugged his shoulders.

“I have no idea. It's completely blank for me,” he told Steve and well, that was a lie. He remembered  _ her.  _ Whoever she was, HYDRA didn’t want James remembering her. He needed to try and put together nine years of his life with HYDRA but it had been proving very difficult.

Steve said something in reply but James couldn’t focus on his best friend, not when she looked like that. Natasha Romanoff seemed to appear from nowhere as she strode towards them clad in her black leather jumpsuit. James’s eyes followed her figure and he could hear Steve cough and James realized his mouth was open.

He quickly took a sip of his drink, hoping she hadn't seen that. Steve put his hand over his mouth as he started laughing like there was some kind of inside joke James was missing.

James managed to keep his hormones under control for the most part this time around. Everything about her was familiar and James wanted to run with it. However something held him back, most likely the fact that he knew it wasn’t possible. She hated his guts to put it lightly.

He kept his eyes above her shoulders and tried not to stare at her body in that suit. James truly did respect everything she did for Steve, like watching out for him while he was unable to. She approached the table but didn't take a seat. Instead, she stood and with one glance over at him with narrowing eyes at his coffee cup. James froze, wondering if she was an environmentalist or something.

Before he could read too deep into her farcical she turned her head to face Steve, who watched with an amused gaze. There was a silent conversation that happened between them and suddenly there was a sinking feeling in James’s chest that wasn’t there before. He wondered if it was possible that the reason why Steve knew he could still get it up was because of her.

With that thought, James suddenly felt sick to his stomach and he couldn’t watch the two of them anymore. He didn’t want to think of that possibility. James shook his head. He'd seen Steve be head over heels in love with a woman before and it didn’t even faze him. Why was this so different?

“Wanda texted. It seems as if our pit stop might be a bit shorter than planned,” she told Steve who frowned before looking over at James.

“Why are you looking at me? One of us has to be the one almost getting kebabed,” James joked and he was shocked when he heard a tiny laugh come out of none other than Natasha Romanoff. His eyes widened and he wished that he could make her laugh again.

Steve rolled his eyes in response and they both stood up. James was careful not to touch Natasha. She may have laughed at one of his jokes but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t try to kick his ass any chance she got.

Was it wrong for James to want to see that? He thought that it might just be the hormones talking. Apparently when you become inactive for so long, you also lose any control you used to have as well.

Steve brought him into a hug and James tensed at the touch before relaxing slightly. He did the best one arm hug he could muster again thinking that maybe he improved after the last one. James looked over and a pair of green eyes met his.

There was a fire in her eyes and James couldn’t help but wonder what put it there. He wanted to know the secrets hiding behind the wall of fire however, before he could think of something to say, she broke eye contact with him to look at the street across from them. Steve and him broke apart and he smiled at James sadly.

“I promise I’ll try to visit soon, Buck,” Steve said and James shook his head.

“Don’t stress it, Steve. Believe me I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” he assured Steve who pressed his lips together almost to try and argue with him but thought better of it.

James watched them walk away together as the sun rose over the streets of Wakanda and again that sickening feeling returned. He couldn’t help but wonder what their relationship was. He watched them as they casually bantered back and forth together.

James couldn't help but wish he were going with them. He wanted to feel anything besides this feeling that he was being left behind, almost forgotten. He didn’t want to feel this almost jealous feeling take over.  _ Jealous?  _ James thought to himself while shaking his head. What did he have to be jealous about?

However as he watched their disappearing figures, he felt a pull and, much to his surprise, it wasn’t to Steve.

.

.

.

The room was supposed to be empty when Natasha entered or more so broke in. She didn’t have time for formal greetings with security. She just had to drop off a package to James’s therapist that might help him with recovering his memories.

However what Natasha wasn’t expecting was to find the Queen of Wakanda casually sitting at her desk in James’s therapist office.

“The famous Black Widow, what a surprise,” she said, smiling slightly as if almost expecting her visit.

“Queen Ramonda,” she said politely as she eyed the queen. She wasn’t dressed in her normal attire; she just wore a simple modest white dress.

“My sympathies over the loss of your husband,” Natasha said as she flashed to a son holding his father in his arms surrounded by smoke. She was there when it happened and Natasha still couldn’t forget the ringing in her ears.

“Thank you, Agent Romanoff. Would you like coffee?” Queen Ramonda asked her and Natasha shook her head and politely declined.

“Oh no, unfortunately, I’m here doing a favor for Steve,” she said gesturing to the backpack in her hands.

“I see. Is that why you used the window to enter?” she asked and Natasha smiled at the queen.

“Yes. I tend to move more in the shadows,” Natasha replied and the queen laughed.

“That seems like something you and my client have in common,” the queen explained and Natasha shook her head.

“And how is he doing?” Natasha asked, trying to keep her tone neutral. Queen Ramonda eyed her, trying to get a sense of where Natasha stood however she knew who she was up against.

“I can’t disclose anything, however he is motivated to turn his life around. Maybe he works himself a bit too hard to try and remember things,” Queen Ramonda said and Natasha had a feeling that that was all she was going to get about James’ progress.

“Well Rogers asked me to deliver this to you. I assume you are his psychotherapist,” Natasha said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. I used to practice before I was Queen. Now that my son is ruling I’ve decided to come back to the profession,” she explained and Natasha nodded her head and handed the queen James’ backpack.

“This is Barnes’ backpack. It holds things that could potentially help him with the memory loss issue,” Natasha told the queen. Natasha watched as the queen gently placed it on the ground next to her seat.

“Thank you very much for dropping this off. I won’t hold you up, Agent Romanoff,” Queen Ramonda said and Natasha nodded her head before turning her way back to the window.

“Oh. I will let Sergeant Barnes know you asked about him,” she added as a side note. Natasha didn’t give anything away. Instead, she jumped out the window and watched on her way down as the sun started to rise.

Natasha stuck the landing with ease and looked at the time on her phone. She saw that it was just after five and cursed as she looked to see a missed call from Wanda and a text saying SOS.

Natasha quickly was able to track down Steve. They needed to leave Wakanda to go see what Wanda was dealing with. She tried to keep the smug look off her face as James eyed her up. She knew she made the right choice by wearing her battle suit.

She especially thought that when she saw his coffee mug and two hearts on it with a number. A feeling of anger setin before she turned to Steve who gave her a knowing look.

“Wanda texted. It seems as if our pit stop might be a bit shorter than planned,” Natasha told Steve who frowned. She watched as Steve frowned and looked over at James. She couldn’t help but laugh at his joke, remembering the panicked look that crossed Steve’s face before she caught him from falling.

She watched as they hugged goodbye and wished that were her. Natasha wished that he remembered her and that there was no stupid number on his coffee mug. She wanted him even after all that time.

Suddenly her eyes came in contact with icy blue ones and Natasha couldn’t help but get lost in them. She missed the way he looked at her. Natasha missed everything about him. She slowly turned her gaze away from him. She couldn’t find it in her to stare at him anymore.

As Steve and James broke apart, Steve joined her and they started walking back to the jet.

“Was the jumpsuit really necessary?” Steve asked her when they were farther out of hearing reach from his best friend. She turned her gaze to him and eyed him innocently.

“I have no idea what you're talking about, Rogers,” she said, batting her eyelashes at him and he scoffed.

“Right. It has nothing to do with the fact that he couldn’t take his eyes off you the whole time,” Steve said and Natasha smiled in victory.

“Not at all, Rogers,” she replied and Steve rolled his eyes. He looked over at her hesitatingly and Natasha narrowed her eyes at him.

“You know he’s not going out with anyone,” Steve said casually and Natasha groaned.

“Steve, you didn’t?” she asked, hopeful, but with one look at the guilty expression that crossed his face Natasha knew that he did.

“Steve, you're terrible at being subtle. Please tell me you didn’t mention me,” Natasha said, feeling like she had just been zapped into some bad teenage romcom, only it seemed like she wouldn’t get the guy in this movie.

“I just thought you’d like to know that he wasn’t interested in Nicki,” Steve said and Natasha scoffed.

“Oh I know he wasn’t interested in Nicki. And I know he won’t be interested in anyone for awhile,” she said cockily and Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Were you like this while dating him?” Steve questioned and Natasha laughed, thinking about the times on missions when she would tease him as he watched her from afar and after the mission... well, Steve didn’t need to know what happened after.

“Most of the time,” Natasha said and Steve shook his head.

“Poor guy is never getting over you,” Steve replied, shaking his head and Natasha laughed. She hoped that was the case. A sinking feeling took over at the thought of leaving him behind in Wakanda. She knew that she told herself it was because she didn’t want to put pressure on him to remember her but really deep down, she knew it was because she didn’t want to get her hopes up.

HYDRA made it a priority to wipe his memories of her. She still wondered what James did to try and make himself remember her all those years ago. She snapped herself out of it. They had a mission.

“Hey, you okay?” Steve asked, putting his hand on her shoulder, his face turning serious as they boarded the jet.

“I have to be,” she told him and he nodded, his hand giving her shoulder a squeeze before preparing for take off.

“Did you drop off the backpack?” Steve asked from the front and Natasha joined him taking the copilot seat.

“Yes,” she said, plugging in the coordinates to where Wanda was. Just like that they were off Wakanda and Natasha felt like she left a piece of herself in Wakanda as the sun rose.

  
  



	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday! Hope you all are having a great week! I hope you guys enjoy and as always this chapter would not have been possible without crazyevildru's help. Let me know what you guys think and the next update is 2/3!

“Would you like to tell me why you seem in a particularly grumpy mood?” Ramonda asked, staring down James as he drank his third cup of coffee in her office. He was completely on edge and Ramonda was cutting him off after this one.

“I’m not grumpy,” he replied, frowning down in his cup. Ramonda gave him a look and he sighed.

“Steve came and visited today,” James finally told her and she nodded her head, taking the cap of her pen.

“And how was that reunion? It’s been a couple months since you last saw each other. Correct?” she asked him and James thought that was the first time they’d seen each other since he went back under almost six months ago.

“It went fine, I guess,” James said, shrugging his shoulders, and Ramonda wrote something down.

“I guess?” Ramonda asked and James sighed and put the coffee cup down on the table.

“I don’t know. I was happy to see him. It just all felt unsettling,” James told her, remembering the way he fought against Black Widow. It was almost familiar as if they  _ knew  _ each other.

“Tell me- was it uncomfortable because you haven’t seen Steve in a long time or because you feel as if you both have changed?” she asked and he shook his head laughing.

“No. Steve’s the same as always,” James said fondly. Steve still blushed fifty shades of red when a sexual topic was brought up and was still a terrible liar.

“Was it perhaps because Natasha Romanoff was with him?” she asked and something on his face must have given him away because she was writing something down in her notebook before getting up and pulling something next to her into his frame of vision.

“Where did you get that?” he asked breathlessly looking at his backpack that held all of his recovered memories that he thought he had lost. Years of memories were written in that journal, things he was afraid to lose in case HYDRA ever found him again or his memories started to become fuzzy.

_ She _ was in there. Not an official identity but memories of her that had faded from his mind were written in that journal. Ramonda silently handed him the backpack and James wanted nothing more than to dig in and spend hours looking. However, when James went to open the zipper, he hesitated.

“Where did you get this?” he repeated. Last he knew, this was in Romania. They stripped it off him when they took him prisoner. Ramonda studied him for a little longer.

“Early this morning Agent Romanoff came and dropped it off, saying that it may help you with your memory loss,” she explained and James’s eyes widened.

“Agent Romanoff as in Natasha Romanoff as in the  _ Black Widow _ ?” James asked, feeling his jaw drop slightly; this morning was full of surprises.

“Yes. May I ask why this surprises you so much, Sergeant Barnes?” she asked and James’s eyes widened.

“Was Steve with her?” James asked. There was no way the Black Widow would do anything for him.

“No. He was not present. We had a brief conversation about the backpack and she asked about your progress,” Ramonda responded and James’s eyes widened farther, if that was even possible.

“How did she seem? Was she, I don’t know, interested in how I was or did she seem like she was asking out of respect?” James asked, letting the nerves get the best of him. Why would she ask? Everything about her put him on edge.

“Sergeant Barnes, I’m not even going to pretend that I’m capable of reading Agent Romanoff.” He sighed. 

James couldn’t even read Agent Romanoff’s face and that’s what he was trained to do. He always felt that he was missing a piece of the puzzle with her, like no matter what he did, he was never going to be able to figure her out.

“What is the nature of your relationship with Agent Romanoff?” she asked out of curiosity. This was the first time she’d ever seen her client act this way. He let out a hollow laugh and she could see all the nerves disappear and were replaced with guilt.

“There is none. If there was one, it would be that she hates my guts,” James said bitterly and Ramonda sighed.

“Sergeant Barnes, if you are referring to what happened a couple months ago, I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself,” Ramonda told him and he shook his head.

“Oh no. She would hate me even more than for that one. I shot her twice,” James confessed and looked up to see her reaction.

“Oh,” Ramonda said, blinking slightly off guard.

“Yeah and now I broke up her family so I think it’s safe to say she hates me,” James concluded and she shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe not. Have you talked to her or apologized?” she asked him and he looked at her.

“I don’t think that a heartfelt I’m sorry will fix two bullet holes.” She cringed.

“Flowers and chocolates?” she suggested jokingly and James gave her an unamused look. She held her hands up in defeat.

“Alright. Let’s move on. So Agent Romanoff being here unsettles you,” Ramonda stated and James went to argue with her but stopped. He wanted to say that he was fine with her being there, however something changed.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just not used to seeing them together,” he said and his eyes widened as he let that slip out. Ramonda stared at him.

“Who?” she asked and James shook his head, wishing he could take it back. He didn’t have the right to feel this way. He didn’t understand why he felt this way.

“I shouldn’t have a right to feel... I don’t know. Almost left behind? When I saw Steve and her sparring,” James explained and Ramonda’s eyes softened.

“You feel as if Steve has left you behind knowing that he has a new partner?” Ramonda clarified and James shook his head. It wasn’t that.

“No. I'm glad that Steve has someone looking after him. Believe me, she’s incredible. Anyone would be lucky to have her,” James said and a flash of emotion crossed over Ramonda’s face, but it was too quick for James to study. 

“What is the nature of your relationship to Captain Rogers?” she asked and James looked over at her in confusion.

“We’ve been best friends since we were born. We’d do anything for each other,” James said, putting it simply. James would always look out for Steve and he knew that Steve would do the same.

“So nothing ever romantic between the two of you?” she asked and James blinked in surprise.

“Ah no. We’re more like brothers,” he clarified and she nodded her head.

“What would you say is the main reason why you feel left behind then?” Ramonda asked him, trying to piece together why he felt this way.

“I guess it all goes back to missing the fighting,” James said with a shrug of his shoulders. Ramonda looked at him suspiciously before nodding her head. James sighed in relief; he wasn’t sure he was ready to explain why he kept seeing red whenever he thought about Steve and Agent Romanoff.

“I know Shuri has talked to you about building you a new arm. Have you given it any thought?” Ramonda asked and James looked down at his stub.

“I’m not sure if I deserve it,” he stated softly and she peaked up.

“Sergeant Barnes, with this new arm do you intend on using it as you once did?” she asked him and his eyes widened, shaking his head.

“No! Of course not. I don’t do that anymore,” he replied quickly. He wanted to change and to change meant he had to start over. He wasn’t sure if starting over meant getting back into the fight.

“Which is why I believe that you are ready to take on the responsibility of that type of weapon,” she concluded and he looked over at her nodding his head. He remembered a conversation not too long ago when he told her he was once nothing without the arm.

Now he felt like he was something. He had set up a life without the arm. He fought without the arm. He lived without the arm and there was a weight taken off him. It might not be the easiest life but it was a free one.

“Sergeant Barnes, if I didn’t think you were ready for the responsibility, I wouldn’t have allowed Shuri to start designing you one,” Ramonda said, her eyes were honest and her smile was soft. James found her almost motherly in that moment. He nodded his head; he trusted Ramonda’s judgment.

“Thank you,” he told her and he meant it. He was far from where he wanted to be. However he was also a completely different person from where he was two years ago just trying to find himself. 

“Unfortunately, we are out of time, Sergeant Barnes,” Ramonda said and he nodded his head. Suddenly the backpack between his legs felt very heavy. She didn’t say anything as he picked it up and walked out the door with a wave of his hands.

.

.

.

The backpack sat so innocently in the corner of his room. He glared at it whenever he found his gaze on it. A part of him wanted to rip it open and tear it to pieces trying to find out all the information it held.

He already knew what was in it though. Still, the journal was almost burning a hole through it. That journal contained everything he was able to remember. However the smallest part, the red section, was always the most disappointing part. No matter how hard he tried to connect the dots to his past nothing ever worked.

Finally, not being able to take it any longer, James closed the distance and yanked his bag off the floor and placed it on his bed. He opened it and placed the contents of it around his bed.

It wasn’t much; a change of clothes, passports, money, a couple of weapons, a burner phone, and the journal. He stared at the burner phone with interest, not remembering how he came to own it. However his attention was swept away with the prospect of finding answers in the journal.

He knew most of the pages like the back of his hand. James had memorized each word, too afraid he would lose it. Shuri told him that the rest of his memories would come back with time however his patience was wearing thin. 

She was everywhere he looked yet nowhere to be found. James could remember what it felt like to be in love however he never learned who he really was in love with. At this point, James just wished that he could get a clue, just a hint at what he was dealing with.

HYDRA had taken away anything that he cared about. They stole  _ her  _ from him. They wanted to make sure that he had no memory of her. She was almost completely erased from his mind if not for Shuri. He really needed to remember to thank her for that. 

James opened the first page where one word was written over and over again. He wondered what it meant. He traced the angry letters that spell out  _ RED.  _ He needed to find a connection to what it meant. James knew that this was important; he just wasn’t sure how he could search his mind to find the answers.

James sighed, another dead end. He thought about reaching out to Steve about his problem however he already knew that his friend was under a lot of stress right now dealing with the fallout between him and Stark. James knew that Steve had already done enough for him.

His mind turned to Steve’s partner in crime and found himself cringing slightly. There was no way in hell she would ever help him. Any time he was in the room, she would make a face as if there was a bad smell.

James thought about Ramonda and realized that would open up a whole round of questions that he wasn’t ready to answer. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to share the fact that he loved someone. He wasn’t sure he wanted to find out what happened to her. James shuttered at the thought of what HYDRA was capable of. Or what he was capable of.

He tried to picture her face once again. Yet again only a blurry outline came to mind. He sat there for hours trying to picture her face only nothing ever came. Every other part of her body came easily to his mind but her face remained hidden. James groaned in frustration, needing to go for a run.

.

.

“I think you should visit him again Nat.” Steve tried again. They had been having this conversation for a week now. Safe to say that it would continue until Natasha agreed or she followed through on her promise and glued his mouth together with super glue. 

“Steve it’s a risk and right now isn’t the time. We are so close to finishing off Hydra and this next mission coming up you need me there.” She spoke and he frowned at her. It was a logical argument but he knew how presuave she could be in a fight. 

“I think you're using these missions as an excuse not to see him.” Steve spoke truthfully and Natasha paused. She was turned away from him as shock waves rolled over her face. 

“Steve, he remembers you. He hasn’t an inkling about me. You can’t even begin to understand that feeling.” Her voice was like ice cutting into Steve bit by bit. Steve paused in his argument retracing his steps. 

“Your forgetting I do know how it feels to be forgotten. I was there in 2014 and I remember every second of it. Maybe it’s not the same but I promise he remembers something. I can see it when he looks at you there is something there. He just needs to be around you more, it might shake a few things loose.” Steve explained. 

Natasha was silent, her mind was spinning. Steve had a point but that didn’t mean she had to like it. Natasha was struggling with what to do. He had been in therapy for a few months yet no sign of his memories of her coming back. And who knows, maybe Hydra erased them forever. 

She hated to admit it but she was afraid. Natasha was worried what he would think of her if he remembered. She knew that they would never just be able to pick up where they left off. A part of her was afraid that he wouldn’t want her anymore, the way that she still wanted him. 

But Natasha realized that she was making what ifs her reality. She had no idea how he would react. All she could do now is be by his side, like she always was supposed to be and help him no matter how hard it was to lie and tell him they were practically strangers. 

“I’ll do it.” She told him and started to walk away. Steve said nothing else but a small smile grew and he hoped that this worked. 

  
  



	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday! I hope you all enjoy chapter 25 the next update will be 2/10. As always thank you to crazyevildru for betaing this chapter! I hope you guys let me know what you think.

_ September 2016 _

The only sound to fill the room was his fist relentlessly hitting the punching bag. He had a meeting later in the morning with Shuri but only now he could focus on his nightmares.

_ The flames spread all around her and James remembered the trip home. He remembered the weeks after in their small home in Romania. He remembered the blank stares as she watched out the window and the nightmares she would have every night. _

__

_ He liked to say he was a patient man however he had his limits. Her fire had been extinguished from her in that one mission. She needed to let it out, there were only so many times she could say ‘I’m fine’ or ‘It doesn’t matter’ before it grew too many little lies. _

__

_ She still cried herself to sleep at night. He never let go of her however there were the nights where he was forced to leave her, he was forced to be a soldier. This was one of those nights. He killed so he could be with her. He tortured so he could be with her. The monstrous things that would make anyone lose all hope were done just so she would bring a light at the end of the tunnel. _

__

_ He didn’t know what was going on or even how to approach this however he knew what she needed. She needed to fight back, she needed to be reminded what it felt like to lose control. _

__

_ He opened the door to their apartment silently and went straight into her bedroom where she slept, tossing and turning as her demons haunted her. It pained him to see her like this. _

__

_ Using it as a motivator to do what needed to get done, he closed his eyes, knowing that she was potentially going to hate him for this. _

__

_ “Get up,” James whispered and her head almost banged into his as she flew up trying to get a read on the situation. _

__

_ “James, what the hell!” she harshly whispered, still dazed from sleep. _

__

_ “Get up, we’re taking a walk,” James stated and she glared at him. _

__

_ “What the hell, James? It’s 3 in the morning,” she whispered harshly. Her eyes started to burn and James knew he needed to poke at it more. _

__

_ “You need a walk,” he told her and she glared at him. _

__

_ “It’s fucking 3 in the morning, James. Go to hell,” she said but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Without hesitation, he scooped her up as she kicked and screamed bloody murder at him but he narrowly avoided the kicks and punches aimed at various parts of his body. _

__

_ He grabbed her a pair of boots and was off and out the door as she cursed at him and threw punches and shouted. The neighbors never once stirred and if they did, they wouldn’t say anything. _

__

_ She screamed and banged on his chest however he refused to let go and drop her. She needed to let it out. He didn’t stop walking until they were out of town and surrounded by hills. Finally he placed her down on the ground. _

__

_ “WHAT THE HELL, JAMES!” she shouted at the top of her lungs and James took her all in, all of her glory. Burning eyes met him as she shoved him in the chest. ‘Good. Get angry,’ James told himself as she shoved him again. _

__

_ “YOU WAKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR WHAT!” She shouted and tried to throw a punch. He blocked her this time and oh she hated him for it. She attacked him again and he blocked her. _

__

_ She kicked and punched him and he did nothing but block her. _

__

_ “Fight back!” she yelled at him but he did nothing. This was about her. All this was about her. _

__

_ “What are you playing at?” she called out to him in confusion. Her breathing was uneven, her hair was tossed every which way and her shirt, no, his shirt, was hanging off her shoulders. James thought she never look fiercer with burning eyes full of fire. _

__

_ “This is what you need,” he replied calmly and she once again used her battle cry.James almost smiled thinking about the last time she did that. She lunged at him and he flipped them over with him on top of her pinning her down. _

__

_ “Do not tell me what the hell I need,” She shouted as she struggled and thrashed trying to break free. She snarled and said very unladylike things to him but he kept holding her down. _

__

_ “So what? Are you just going to sit around and mope all day?” he goaded her and she snarled at him. _

__

_ “I am not moping!” she protested and tried to claw at him with her hands however he kept a firm grip on her. _

__

_ “You did what you had to do to survive! This isn’t a world of black and white. Good people do bad things but that doesn’t take away the fact that they're good; you’re good!” he insisted but she shook her head. _

__

_ “You’re not fine. You hate what they make you do. You hate that you don’t have fucking control!” he yelled and stared into her burning eyes. _

__

_ “WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO TO EVEN MAKE IT BETTER!” she screamed at him and tears started running down her face and it pained him to be the cause however she needed this. _

__

_ “IT FUCKING SUCKS DOESN’T IT? HAVING NO FUCKING CONTROL! YOU’RE NOT FINE YOU’RE ANGRY! YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING LAMB; YOU’RE A WOLF, ACT LIKE IT!” He shouted and with a final yank, she broke free of his grasp and he expected to be slapped however he found himself in a bruising kiss as she searched for him to find something, anything that would make her feel in control of her life. _

__

_ And he let her as she flipped them over and clawed at his back. He let her bite down on his lips and neck because she needed this. She needed control. When he looked up to her straddling him as the sun rose, lighting up her fiery red hair, he pulled away from her and her eyes glowed with hunger. _

__

_ Gone were the empty voids that filled them, gone was the lamb pretending she wasn’t a wolf. _

__

He growled as he punched one last time in complete frustration and he heard the punching bag snap and he watched it fall to the floor taking death breaths. He was frustrated to say the least. He’d been in Wakanda for nine months and he wasn’t any closer to regaining his memories of her. Shuri could only do so much and he still hadn’t been able to tell Ramonda about her.

He groaned and went to pick up another punching bag but a person standing by the door observing him greeted him. James jumped back a little in surprise. Though If anyone were going to be able to surprise him, it would be the Black Widow.

James had no clue what to say or what to do. He often found himself tongue tied in her presence and more often than not made a fool of himself. She held him under her intense gaze for a few seconds longer before speaking.

“Can’t sleep?” she asked and he knew that it was 4 in the morning, who in their right mind would want to work out now?

“No,” he told her honestly. James knew that she would see through any lie he told. However a larger part told him to trust her; he thought that he might be going crazy. This woman should absolutely hate him. Yet time after time, she let go of their past and helped him. Steve was a lucky man.

“Neither can I,” she admitted to him slightly out of breath herself.

“What time did you get here?” James asked, trying to make polite conversation with her. This was the first time she didn’t look at him with disdain right off the bat and maybe he was pushing his luck but he wanted her to like him for some reason.

When she was around he felt almost more alive in a way. Maybe it was just because she was the only woman to give him a boner in who knew how long. But despite that, there was something about her that drew him in.

“Somewhere between late last night and early this morning,” she answered cryptically.

“How’s Steve?” he wondered, trying to find some common ground between the two of them. He didn’t think they were quite on the level where they asked each other to trade horror stories just yet. This was probably the longest conversation with her he’d had.

“He’s fine. He wished he could come however he’s training some of our new recruits at the base,” she replied and he nodded his head

“So this is a check up?” James asked, watching her and she smirked.

“Babysitting, check up, whatever makes you feel good,” she stated and he pressed his lips together.

“I do not need a babysitter,” he started and she laughed. He paused what he was doing ever so slightly. He had only heard her laugh like that when she last visited in July. Just like the last time James wanted to be the one to make her laugh like that again. However before he could say anything she changed the topic.

“How’s the training coming along?” she asked him and he shrugged.

“The punching bags seem to put on a valiant effort,” he joked and she finally moved out of the doorway and into the room. James found this to be progress.

“Maybe you need a sparring partner,” she suggested and James froze.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked and she shrugged.

“Why not? We’re evenly matched,” she said eyeing him up and James had a  _ very  _ bad feeling about this.

“Just don’t tell Steve if you hand me my ass.” James muttered and once again she let out her brilliant laugh that made his own lips turn up slightly. She stepped into the ring and James had to blink, feeling slight déjà vu. He shook that thought out of his head, needing to focus on his opponent who was eyeing him up.

James would never admit this out loud but her gazing him up and down was very distracting. James noticed all the wrong things: like the fact that her black tank top fit her curves perfectly and that her shoulder had a pale patch of skin that shined in the light. His heart dropped to his stomach when he realized that he was the one to cause that scar. 

“Ready?” she asked and he knew she wouldn’t ask again. With a nod of his head she attacked. Suddenly she was everywhere on him and he was on the defense. He blocked what he could with one arm however she used that to her advantage as she landed a punch on his open side. He grunted and she tensed slightly but kept going.

James silently thanked her for not pitying him and he finally landed a blow to her side and she grunted yet recovered quickly as she dropped down to the ground and swept his legs right out from under him. He landed on the ground with a loud thud and groaned.

“Again,” Natasha said, standing over him looking down at him and he couldn’t help but look at her, studying her face. She was panting slightly and sweat glazed her face however it was her eyes that caught his attention the most.

They shorn and they trapped James’s attention. She raised an eyebrow at him and a cocky smirk covered her face.

“Best of three,” he said and her smirk widened.

“Alright Barnes, you’re on,” she said and he got up. Natasha attacked right away and James was on the defense yet again. He dodged one and aimed his own jab at her side. Finally, James was able to throw a couple of punches, which she blocked with ease. James found himself trying to find her weak point and realized that she was perfectly trained to fight someone like him.

He thought about the techniques he picked with Okoye when she would practice dueling with him and tried her certain fighting technique. Natasha was instantly thrown off by it.

She started to stumble a bit and James tried to reach out to steady her but lost his own balance in the process and fell down along with her. The room was silent as their two bodies hit the floor. He tried to catch himself so that way he wouldn’t completely be crushing her.

She groaned beneath him and James closed his eyes, trying to focus on the fight and kept his blood from flowing somewhere farther down south.

“You alright?” he asked her and something dangerous flashed in her eyes as she stared at his face. James found himself once again entranced by her eyes and found that he couldn’t move. His whole mind went blank and suddenly the distance between the two of them was getting smaller.

He froze when someone coughed loudly by the door. James was instantly up off of Natasha and looked to see Shuri standing at the door with a smirk on her face and eyebrows raised.

“Sergeant Barnes, are you ready for our appointment?” Shuri asked, keeping back from laughing. James glared at her and went to turn back to Natasha to offer her his hand but she was already on her feet.

Any sort of emotion that was there just seconds ago was gone. Her eyes were blank and she didn’t even bother to look at James. Her attention was on Shuri.

“Princess,” Natasha said and Shuri grimaced slightly at the title.

“Agent Romanoff,” Shuri said, still unable to wipe the smirk off her face. James sighed, knowing he was going to get an earful the whole time he was with Shuri, it was better just to get it over with.

“We’ll have to try this again sometime,” James said and the second those words left his mouth he realized just how suggestive that sounded. Shuri coughed suddenly and it sounded oddly like a laugh. James stuttered, trying to correct himself however found it better just to shut up.

“Yea, still best out of three,” she said, finally looking at him and James’ mind screamed at him to stop being an idiot. He used to have a game back in the 1940’s. He wondered what the hell happened.

“I look forward to it,” he replied with a sly smile and she raised an eyebrow at his forwardness. Shuri coughed again and James got the hint and started to head towards the door, away from the woman who played mind games with him.

Shuri was smirking ear to ear at him as they exited the room and he counted how long it took ‘til she started to ask questions.

“So you and Agent Romanoff?” Shuri asked, wiggling her eyebrows at him. He got up to five seconds and James managed to keep the color off his face and instead, shook his head, trying to move some of his hair to cover his face.

“Oh no, I know what you're getting at, not going to happen,” he told her as they walked closer to where her science department, aka evil genius lab, as he called it, was. She scolded him as he shut her down.

“Why not? You two clearly have chemistry,” Shuri said, lifting her hands up and doing some sort of jazz hands and James scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“We do not,” he replied, though his thoughts betrayed him, thinking back to the way they fought together. He knew something was between them; he could feel it. She knew every move he was going to make before he even thought of it and he got his ass handed to him.

“Oh it’s chemistry, most likely the explosive kind. It’s okay, Sergeant Barnes. I hear it makes for great sex,” she said with a wicked grin on her face. James opened and closed his mouth several times.

“How old are you?” he asked her in utter shock still at what she just said.

“16,” she answered cheekily as they walked into her lab. It always took him some getting used to that everything there was so white. The fluorescent lights hurt his eyes when he looked up and suddenly he was very self-conscious with how sweaty and dirty he was when he walked into this sparkling clean lab.

“We are not having this conversation for another 2 years,” James said and she rolled her eyes and pouted at him.

“Oh no, do not give me that look. We are not having this conversation,” James said, crossing his arm over his chest and staring her down.

“Fine, then let’s talk about why you feel that you and the lovely Agent Romanoff can’t happen,” she wondered, spinning the table on him. James wanted nothing more than to bang his head against the wall. Shuri reminded him too much of Ramonda that it was scary. Maybe they were related.

“I shot her,” he said and she stopped what she was doing. Her eyes found him and she cringed slightly.

“Like shot and missed?” she asked and he shook his head and she bit her lip.

“Twice,” he added and she winced.

“Did you apologize?” she asked and he threw his hand up into the air in defeat.

“No,” he said after a while. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. It was more so the fact that the opportunity never presented himself.

He was sitting on her lab tables and he knew she hated when he did that. Shuri reluctantly handed him a gun to test out and shooed him off her table. 

“Then ask her on a date. Who knows? Maybe she’s into that sort of thing!” Shuri cried out to him and he glared at her taking a shoot and felt the uneven balance distribution. 

“I’m here with you doing work,” he said gesturing to the gun and she started to shoo him out of her lab.

“Oh no. I think I can get along without you just well. For heaven's sake take a shower before you try and seduce her into your bed,” Shuri called out with one finally push out of her lab.

“Oh and Sergeant Barnes, a word of advice next time you get the urge to shoot her there’s this amazing thing called laser tag, that may be a healthier alternative,” she stated between closed doors.

James blinked, wondering what just happened. He was left standing there for a few more seconds before turning and walking back to the gym to see if he could find Agent Romanoff, not for the reasons Shuri mentioned but to apologize.

Since he did at least owe her that. Maybe he should take Ramonda’s suggestion and try flowers? He shook his head; that was too much. He was apologizing for shooting her, not trying to take her on a date.

.

.

.

James searched for her left and right however she was nowhere to be seen. A feeling of disappointment took over as he went on with his day with food shopping and decided that he needed to go for a run to try and get his hormones under control.

By the time the sun started to set, James decided to go high tonight and found himself on the top of Ramonda’s building. He knew she wouldn’t care if he was up there. James took a bite of his plum watching the sunset with sorrowful eyes.

It was peaceful up here and he finally had a second to really think without the busy streets of Wakanda distracting him. He thought of the girl from his dreams and felt as if he was betraying her in some way with the thoughts of Agent Romanoff. James laughed slightly. There was nothing going on between the two of them. He realized that there were similarities between the two of them and that could be why he was attracted to Agent Romanoff.

He took another bite of his plum and the juices ran down his fingers. He licked them clean and suddenly he felt as if he were being watched. He eyed his surroundings and turned around and it was almost as if he screamed his thoughts because there she was.

She was back in her gear and James wasn’t sure what was worse, her in work out clothes or her in her tight fitting gear. He shook his head and remembered his conversation with Shuri, well not that that helped completely.

“Hey, Stranger,” she said, walking up to him. He smiled slightly as she stood next to her.

“Come here often?” she asked slightly teasingly. There was a playful edge to her voice however he detected that she was still completely on guard around him. Her walls were built up so high that he doubted he could reach them even if he tried.

“Just when I need to clear my mind,” he said as the last of the sun faded away and the sky turned dark. She was silent observing him and he let her, unbothered. He was used to her watching him, waiting for the Winter Soldier to come out.

“I never did apologize,” he said softly and she froze.

“For what?” she asked confused and he laughed bitterly.

“For shooting you,” he said and she relaxed slightly.

“You did what you had to do,” she said and he shook his head.

“Don’t defend my actions; they weren’t heroic. They were all programmed into me to do harm,” he said and she took a seat next to him. He was surprised that she stayed, a part of him expected her to spit at him and call him a monster but then again nothing she ever did was what he expected.

“It’s never black and white, Barnes. I’ve done things in my past. I have red in my ledger and no amount of good I do will ever wipe it clean,” she explained and he looked over at her. Her blond hair shined however he could see the hints of red start to come in at her roots.

He looked at her in a different light. He knew very little about her past, only bits and pieces that Steve had mentioned but he found himself interested in figuring out the mystery that was Natasha Romanoff.

“How did you even become an Avenger?” he asked her suddenly.

“I lost everything to the KGB. By the time Agent Barton found me, there was nothing left worth saving. He was sent to kill me however made a different call,” Natasha explained and James nodded his head. He could tell there were details she was leaving out but it wasn’t his place to push for information.

“Agent Barton... he’s the one with the bow and arrow right?” James asked vaguely, remembering him from the fight at the airport.

“Yeah, that’s him,” she said, touching her necklace and the silver slightly as it caught in the light. James paused as the necklace was a shape of an arrow.

“Was he your first partner?” James asked and Natasha smiled sadly.

“At S.H.I.E.L.D.? Yes. Generally? No,” she told him mysteriously.

“What happened to your first partner?” he asked, letting his curiosity get the better of him and she went silent. James was worried that he might have pushed her too far.

“Like I said they took everything from me,” she said and before James could ask any more questions she changed the topic.

“I heard that you’ve been settling in nicely and took up training some of the children.” James scoffed at the thought of him choosing to take up training the kids.

“It’s a little hard to say no when they all show up at your door suddenly and won’t leave until you say yes,” he told her and she laughed.

“Really? That’s how it happened?” she asked and he paused, thinking about the events that led up to the reason they were there in the first place.

“Yep. Every weekend they’re at my doorstep, impatient little things. I’m waiting for the day they start barging in asking to braid my hair.” 

“Just wait! They might try and give you Princess Leia buns,” she joked and he groaned. He was slightly proud of himself for understanding that pop culture reference.

“Do not ever mention that idea to Shuri; she'll tell all the kids to do that,” he told her and she promised. There was a sad look in her eyes the more they talked about the kids and James tried to change the topic.

“I really don’t know what they see. I’m a semi stable hundred-year-old man with a psychotherapist that helps me try to regain memories that were wiped out of my mind by a terrorist group. Did I forget to add to my resume that I'm a wanted criminal in all nations and seeking refuge here?” he said bitterly.

“Children never quite look at things in black and white either, do they? They don’t even see the grey; they only want to see in color. You may see a monster in your own book. But in theirs? You’re a hero and sometimes? That’s what you need to hold onto,” she said looking over at him. Her green eyes were intense and he wondered what she was thinking about.

He thought about what she said and realized she was right. He didn’t understand how he could be a hero in their mind however he wasn’t the Winter Soldier to them. He was the White Wolf, the one who saved their friend.

“I’ve done things in my past that make me wonder if I’m anything more than the assassin they made me” she told him quietly and he truly studied her features. Maybe they were more alike than he originally thought.

“You're not alone,” he said and her eyes widened and there was something there that he didn’t recognize, it was some emotion that he couldn’t pinpoint. The woman with red hair once again flashed in his mind however he shoved that down. He instantly felt guilty.

“You aren’t either,” she told him and he looked away from her as the guilt ate him from the inside.

“When do you leave?” he asked, clearing his throat and trying to snap himself out of it. This was the woman who he thought hated him only hours ago and now he wasn’t quite sure what to think of her.

He felt as if he had to constantly be on alert with her. He didn’t understand why he was so drawn to her but every bone in his body called out to her yet his mind called out to the woman in his dreams. He felt as if he was cheating on her in a way by having those thoughts about Agent Romanoff.

“In a couple hours. Steve wants me back for a mission,” she told him while gazing up at the stars in the sky. James loved that about Wakanda, the fact that from anywhere he looked, he could see the stars.

“I never asked how you got your hands on my backpack,” he wondered, his mind was finally thinking about that damn thing causing him stress.

“Oh! Steve asked me to retrieve it and I brought it here so you guys could spend more time together,” she answered simply however James found himself not believing that that was the full truth. He didn’t dare question her anymore about it.

“You do an awful lot of favors for Steve,” he told her and she laughed.

“You have no idea,” she replied.

“I mean he sends you here to check up on me. You know you can tell him that I’ll happily do a facetime with him once a week if it makes it any easier on you,” James said, trying to ease her workload. Something in his mind screamed at him to shut up and spend all the time he could with her however he found that when it came to her, he couldn’t be selfish.

“I don’t think he’ll go for that. In fact next time you might even get a visit from him yourself,” Natasha said jokingly and he scoffed.

“Knowing him he’ll take me up on that facetime thing without lessening your workload,” James said mournfully.

“I don’t know... you’re not the worst company,” Natasha teased and James looked over at her trying to study her features but only came up empty.

“You're not so bad yourself,” he replied and she looked at her phone as it buzzed and frowned.

“You have to go?” he asked and she bit down her lip and James couldn’t help but feel jealous of her bottom lip.

“Unfortunately, yes. ‘Till next time, Barnes,” she said, walking away and he called out to her

“When’s next time?” he asked and she smirked over her shoulder.

“Whenever Steve feels like you’re going to cause trouble,” she laughed and he smirked

“Doesn’t he know that you bring the trouble with you?” he asked and she laughed.

“No. He hasn’t figured that out quite yet,” she said. With a wave of her hand, she jumped off the roof. There was no thud or tell tale sign that she hit the ground; he hadn’t expected one either. Silence overtook him and he looked up again at the stars with a contagious smile on his face.

For one moment he didn’t think about the woman with red hair, he didn’t think about what was next for him, and he didn’t worry about what others thought of him. All he could focus on was the mystery that was Natasha Romanoff.

  
  



	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! I don't know about you guys but it's already been a long week, however, I can't wait to share with you all the next chapter! It was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy and let me know what you think. As always thank you to crazyevildru for betaing this chapter and I look forward to the next update on 2/17

_ October 2016 _

“You need to be able to defend yourself. Fighting isn’t only about throwing punches.” James told Amare as the boy fell down after dueling with one of his classmates. Amare nodded his head, his eyes filled with determination to do better. 

James moved on to oversee the rest of the pairs of kids before calling it a day. They’d been training all morning and it was almost time for lunch. James saw Shuri’s figure approach with a wicked grin on her face and he almost groaned. Ever since Agent Romanoff visited Shuri has been trying her best to embarrass James to the best of her ability.

“So Sergeant Barnes, were you able to woo her into a date yet?” She asked, winking at him. He rolled his eyes.

“No there was no ‘wooing’ going on between Agent Romanoff and I.” James told her and she frowned.

“But you guys were practically eyefucking each other and don’t argue with me; I know you enjoyed being on top of her.” Shuri said and James put his hand to his head, thankful that he had just wrapped up his lessons with the kids.

“You're terrible.” He told her and she laughed.

“No, Sergeant Barnes, I’m observant. I can tell you like her. So, what’s holding you back?” She asked him seriously.

“It’s complicated.” He said as his mind flashed to the women in his dreams. Shuri rolled her eyes at him. James sighed; there was nothing he could do to make her understand why he could never be with Agent Romanoff, not when he was still in love with the girl in his dreams.

_ “You're not alone.” _

He could still hear that whispered to him at night and he shivered. After talking to her, something had shifted. Ramonda had picked up on it right away, that he seemed in a better state of mind however he wasn’t ready to tell her all the things he talked about with Agent Romanoff.

His gaze landed on his house where his journal was and he realized that he was going to keep hitting dead ends without any help. He could hear Shuri start talking about something but James realized that he was ready to reach out

“Sergeant Barnes, are you listening? I just told you I made you a new arm.” Shuri said and James blinked.

“What?” He asked in disbelief, losing focus.

“Yes. I’ve made you a new arm and we should start having you test it out.” Shuri said and James could hear his heartbeat pick up at the thought of having a new arm. Suddenly after months of thinking that life would be better with another arm, he suddenly dreaded it.

“I thought you would be happier.” Shuri said and he shook his head.

“Oh no, it's not that, I promise. I just have a lot on my mind.” He explained and she nodded her head.

“Anything I could help with, Sergeant Barnes?” She asked and he was about to shake his head but he realized there was something she could do.

“How good are you at breaking into files that aren’t supposed to be seen by anyone?” He asked and her scoff and grin told her everything.

.

.

.

It was time, there was only so much James could hide from Romanda. The reason why he started therapy in the first place. The gaping hole in his mind was only being filled with more and more questions. James was ready to find answers. 

“So you dream of this woman with red hair who you believe to be your lover from your past life while in HYDRA. Correct?” Ramonda asked and James nodded his head.

“How long have you been having these dreams?” She asked and he squeezed the journal in his hands tighter.

“I’ve had flashes of her since 2014 but the dreams didn’t start until I woke up five months ago.” James explained to her and she nodded.

“And you’re just telling me about this now.” Ramonda asked. There was no judgment in her eyes but James still felt the disappointment in his lack of trust of her. 

“I wasn’t ready to talk about it.”

“And what’s changed?” She asked and his mind went to Agent Romanoff.

“I realized I’d never be able to move on without knowing what happened.” He said, he needed to know everything or else he would never be able to learn to love another.

“So your new feelings towards Agent Romanoff.” Ramonda stated and James’s eyes widened as he looked over at her.

“What?” He asked, taken back and Ramonda smiled slyly at him.

“I have a boy myself, Sergeant Barnes. I know that look when they see a girl they like, it makes them freeze terribly and from what I’ve heard, you’re just as bad as him” Ramonda said chuckling to herself and James covered his face with his hands in embarrassment.

“Thanks, Ramonda, for making me feel like I was being discreet.” James muttered to her and she smiled.

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much, Dear. Let’s get back to the problem and save a little bit of your pride for another day.” She and James weren't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

“Tell me about how the dreams started, Sergeant Barnes.” Ramonda said and James tried to think about the first time he ever thought about her and told her about the snow and fiery eyes.

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.

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_ November 2016 _

“That’s it, Sergeant Barnes. Hold on just a bit longer for me to make an adjustment.” Shuri said and her eyes lit up and he rolled his eyes.

“It’s fine, Shuri. I’ve been telling you this for the past month.” James stated and she shushed him.

“I swear you and my brother are the same. What did I tell you? You can always improve.” She said for the thousandth time and James sighed looking down at the new arm that they’ve been testing out.

She had a point though. When they first fitted him with the new arm, it wasn’t completely comfortable and the weight was different from what he was used to.

“How’s that?” She asked, making another update and he was able to get the arm to do whatever he wanted, however they had to slow the pace down to make sure it matched his own pace.

They learned that the hard way and James still could hear the sound of that table shattering when he went to put down the glass. Slowly, James moved his arm like Shuri asked him several times and thanked someone that it didn’t start smacking him.

That update Shuri did when she discovered that he had yet to ask out Agent Romanoff. It had been a couple of months since her last visit and James could slyly say that they were on emailing terms. 

“Have you at least got her number?” Shuri asked her face horrified. James shrugged his shoulders, trying to find an excuse to explain to a sixteen year old that he very much was not trying to flirt with Agent Romanoff. 

“She’s a woman on the run. Do you really think that she’s going to have a constant home number?” He asked and she rolled her eyes, muttering something under her breath. 

“What was that? My ‘old’ ears couldn’t hear you?” James asked teasingly and Shuri looked up at him shaking her head. 

“At the pace you are moving you won’t get laid by the time you’re two hundred.” She said without hesitation and James sighed; he really didn’t have game. He thought back to the woman in his dreams and there was a pang in his stomach making him feel sick when he thought about thinking about anyone other than her like that. 

James was silent the rest of the meeting and felt guilty when his heart sped up when he heard that pang in his phone that he received an email. 

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.

.

Natasha felt the vibration from her phone in her pocket and she smiled slightly as she punched another man in the face. She slammed his head against the ground and he went down. Slowly she looked around and took her phone out of her pocket and saw a picture of James and smiled as he was training one of the kids on a new technique. 

Before she could even comprehend what was happening her phone was kicked out of her hands and she glared at the man who tried to attack her again. 

“You're going to pay for that.” She snarled as she dodged another one of his attacks. She ran at him and slid past, throwing her widow bites down. She watched as he was electrocuted and turned just in time to see another one coming. She jumped over a cart, kicking his chest and knocking him to the ground. 

“Natasha, status?” She could hear Steve call out as she scanned her perimeter just in time to see another one picking up her fallen phone with an image of James on it. She ran at him and used her body to grab a hold of his waist before taking him out with her legs. 

“Who's that? Boyfriend?” The man said sarcastically from the ground and she glared at him, shooting him with her widow bites and watched as he shouted out from being electrocuted. Heavy footsteps were behind her but she recognized them instantly from training exercises. She would have to add dance to their routine again.

“Phone again?” Steve said with raised eyebrow, his lips turned up in amusement. Natasha turned to glare at him before slowly putting the phone back in her pocket. Luckily there wasn’t any damage to it.

“Was it the boy?” Wanda asked appearing from nowhere and Natasha groaned  _ here they go again _ , 

“Of course it was. Who else emails her like crazy,” Sam said entering the room as Natasha made her way to the computer that they were downloading files from. 

“Emailing? You mean after two months you still don’t text?” Wanda asked and Steve started laughing. 

“Yes. Emailing. There’s nothing going on.” She said and Sam started laughing. 

“I’m not sure about that one. I think that boy wants to date you.” Sam said and she looked up to glare at him. Steve made his way over there was a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“Not much fun is it?” Steve asked and Natasha wondered if it was against the law to give Captain America a black eye.

“Only you would be the one to find a love interest in the deadliest assassin in the world who is almost a hundred years older than you,” Sam stated. 

“He looks pretty good for his age,” Wanda commented and Natasha sighed. 

“So wait- if you guys met when you were 16 in 2000, you were dating a 90-year-old man,” Sam said and Natasha groaned. 

“83.” She states although it didn’t sound much better. Natasha realized that his birthday was coming up and he would be turning 100 years old. She would need to remember to try and do something special at least. 

“You and your older men, Natasha,” Sam said, shaking his head.

“I have no idea what you guys are talking about,” Natasha said and they all started laughing. Suddenly a shot was fired and they all turned to look at the door behind them. A man in a Hydra uniform holding a gun fell to the ground with a bullet in his brain. 

“Never cared much for drama. But what boy?” Fury said walking into the room and Natasha slammed her head onto the computer. 

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.

.

The routine was the same every morning: waking up at the brink of dawn and training until his body collapsed. Therapy with Ramonda was every day at this point as they tried to piece together a timeline starting all the way back from 2000. The files that Steve gave him from when they were tracking him down were useless, he remembered nothing besides at one point he lived in Romania. 

All the information from that time period had been blacked out. He took it to the lab to see if maybe Shuri had something and it’d been weeks since. So far nothing, even in the files leaked from S.H.I.E.L.D. there was no information on him. 

“I know this is frustrating but we can not give up,” Ramonda said sitting down besides handing him a cup of coffee. He gave her a weak smile but she knew how frustrating it was for him that he couldn’t remember almost a decade of his life. 

The weather was starting to turn rainy most days as they got farther into the winter. James realized it was almost Christmas and remembered this would be his first year without being under the control of Hydra. 

“What are you thinking about?” Ramonda asked, taking a sip of her coffee. 

“It’s almost Christmas,” James said and she smiled slightly. 

“It’s a public holiday here but we can still meet if you’d like.” She said and he shook his head. 

“No, I couldn’t do that to you or your family, you should spend it with them,” James said, not wanting to be a burden. 

“Oh please, my children are all grown up; it will give me something to do.” Ramonda declared and James wanted to protest but after 8 months of therapy he knew to pick and choose his battles with Ramonda. He knew that this wasn’t one he wanted to fight. 

“So we know that I was in Russia at the beginning of it and somehow winded up in the US frozen until 2014,” James said as he went over to what Ramonda liked to call his murder board. 

“And in Romania at some point between those years,” Ramonda recalled. James looked over at the timeline in confusion. 

“What was happening in Russia at the time that Hydra could have wanted to have influence with?” James asked thinking back to what he could remember before and a guilt formed in the pit of his stomach when he thought about the super-soldier serum. 

“In 1991 they had me extract the Super Soldier serum from Howard Stark, they started testing it. However Dr. Zola said it was missing something and froze all of the participants in the original trails. Was there any super-soldier testing going on in Russia?” James asked Ramonda who was going through files and her eyes widened 

“Let’s see, there was Department X which was Soviet Agency.” She said and something flashed in his mind, flames engulfing a building and green eyes filled fire. 

“That has to be it,” James said, hoping this might narrow down Shuri’s search for more of his files. Ramonda smiled, taking a sip of her coffee. 

“We don’t have much information attached to Department X as it appears all programs of it were shut down in 2002.” She said and he looked at the board. 

“So I was in Russia from 2000-2002?” He asked about making the timeline. 

“Not necessarily. They had Department X’s location kept secret; it's possible that it wasn’t even in Russia,” Ramonda said and he sighed. Staring at a timeline that was missing so many key pieces. 

“Is it possible we know anyone with connections to the KGB?” James asked and paused, thinking back to an early conversation he had on this rooftop with the woman he was currently emailing with. 

“I’m not sure if Wakanda does, however, I believe our allies may have some.” Ramonda started but James cut her off. 

“No, but I do know a spy that used to work for them,” James said, writing her name down on the board in bold red ink Natasha Romanoff. James wondered just how much their pasts really crossed. 

.

.

.

“You know... has anyone told you that only you would find love in a partner more if not equally as deadly as yourself.” Fury said. It was her house on her porch and he still found a way to make it feel as though they were back in his office. 

“Not within the last hour,” Natasha said, finding that to be a common phrase. Fury looked over at her. It seemed as though the eye patch was back. Still dressed in all black, although some habits were hard to break. 

She’d heard rumors of Fury trying to create a new organization, what S.H.I.E.L.D. was meant to be. Fury had become a busy man again and this time Natasha was a real part of it. They kept in contact, but it was mainly Fury giving them a heads up of Hydra’s whereabouts. 

“It’s not as surprising as one might think,” Fury stated and Natasha looked up at him and he raised his eyebrow. 

“I looked over your reports and files. I had my suspicions after the incident in Odessa in 2009. Do you know that you are still the only person the Winter Soldier has let live?” Fury asked and she shook her head. 

“It was an itch in the back of my mind, something like that I could never let go of. Why would Hydra’s asset spare the life of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent? I did some digging. You buried that information very well. I'll give you that; I’ve seen the Red Room files, no way anyone is ever getting into that. But you forgot one thing.” Fury said and Natasha froze. She stared at him as he turned his back to her. 

“You went looking for him. I followed your paper trail. How long did you look for him? It doesn’t matter in the end because little did you know the Winter Soldier was with S.H.I.E.L.D. all along. So imagine my surprise when in 2014 just 5 years after your run-in, he showed up and attempted to kill me.” He said turning around and Natasha couldn’t look at him. The moon reflected off of Fury, it was the only light provided for them in the late hours of the night. 

“Now when I was wheeled away and declared dead, Hill was there in the safe house with me asking me who to trust. I didn’t know. Unable to figure out the whole story behind your past with the Winter Soldier, I knew that it was a risk I couldn’t take. So I monitored you. While you were out tracking the Winter Soldier, I thought maybe there was a chance you were playing Rodgers. But then I saw you fight him and well damn if that wasn’t a show.” Fury said and Natasha froze learning the new information. 

“And that was why you sent Hill after us?’ Natasha asked Fury nodded his head. 

“I do trust you, Natasha, however the connection with the Winter Soldier was a loose end that was a risk I couldn’t take when I realized most of S.H.I.E.L.D. had been compromised.” Fury said, finally taking a seat next to her. 

They were silent for the longest time while Natasha tried to process the information she was given and Fury just enjoyed a peaceful moment he hasn’t had in a long while. 

“You know in this life it’s easier to forget what really matters. I’m not blind, I still have vision in one eye but it’s clear that you still hold affection towards him. I’m not here to tell you if that’s a good or bad thing however what you’re doing right now is probably the best thing you could do for him.” Fury said and Natasha took a deep breath. 

“He’s going to hate me.” She said thinking back to the email she received earlier. 

“Maybe. I guess you’re just going to have to learn to live with that but at least you can be assured that it’s his own choice.” He spoke and Natasha knew he was right, she was about to say something when he spoke again.

“Personally, I think it would be a damn stupid one but it will be his loss in the end.” He told her and she let out a laugh. 

“Come on now we don’t want anyone thinking you’re a softy on us now.” She said and he sighed. 

“Well, I think I can risk one more thing without letting people on. I’ve been in contact with the Barton family whose security team monitoring them may just so happen to be gone during the holidays. Free for you to visit.” Fury said and Natasha’s eyes widened. 

“What?” She asked and Fury smiled. 

“I’m sure Barton will be in contact with you at some point about it.” Fury said, starting to stand up. He turned towards her and nodded his head slowly making his way off the porch. 

“Nick,” She called out and he turned around. 

“Thank you,” Natasha said and he just waved, got into his car and drove away. Natasha wondered when she would see him again. She closed her eyes, playing with her arrow necklace. Steve eventually joined her on the porch. 

“Did Fury leave?” He asked and she nodded her head. 

“You know how he is: give the information, get out,” Natasha said and Steve laughed. 

“How was Fury?” Steve asked hesitantly. 

“Oh, he was Fury about it, although he did mention that I could visit the Bartons over the holiday.” She said and he looked at her. 

“Really?” He asked and she nodded her head.

“I think it might be good to go see them.” She said but in the back of her mind, she was worried about seeing James again. Worried about what would happen if he remembered her. 

“That’s true, who knows when you’ll get an opportunity to see them again,” Steve said and Natasha laughed. Facetime wasn’t anything compared to actually talking to them.

“And you get a little more boy time with your best friend.” She said and Steve looked at her sadly. 

“He’s close to remembering Natasha, I know it,” Steve said and she just shook her head. 

“I couldn’t tell you how many times they had to wipe his mind. He never told me how he would force himself to remember but I was so sure that it would have been in his backpack. He’s had it for months; if he hasn’t remembered yet, I doubt he’ll ever be able to.” She said. Natasha wasn’t one to set unrealistic expectations for herself. She knew there was a slim chance that he would ever remember her. 

She looked at her phone again with that open email. She cursed at herself for mentioning the KGB to him earlier. She was worried that he would figure it out before he even remembered. She knew that she would never lie to him. She had the files hidden that he was looking for and she realized that she couldn’t keep that from him. He needed to know. She just refused to be the one to tell him.

“Steve, if you’re going to visit I need a favor,” Natasha said, picking up her phone to respond to his message. 

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.

.

“Unfortunately there is not much information on Department X. It seems as if there has been a large cover-up,” Shuri said and James sighed, testing the new arm. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the blue. Shuri told him that it went along with a whole color scheme for his new suit that she was creating. 

“The silver shined too much. I’m surprised you were as good as you were with the sunlight reflecting off of your old arm,” Shuri explained and James tried to find a fault in her logic. At the end of the day, she was making him a new arm because she wanted to. James wasn’t sure if he could ever make that up to her. 

“So there’s nothing you can find out about Department X?” James asked and she took a deep sigh. 

“I can keep looking. Meanwhile you start doing your exercises with that arm,” Shuri said, not even sparing him a glance as her eyes captivated by the keyboard. 

James was able to pick up any object he wanted with his arm with ease and started going through his arm exercise to connect the left side of his brain with the right. He swallowed the disappointment trying not to think about the draft message he has saved on his phone. 

She was his last option to go to. Ramonda was surprised when she found out that James hadn’t reached out to Natasha after making the connection to the KGB. They still emailed almost every day. A selfish part of him wanted to keep it light, not wanting to bring his past into it. James didn’t want her thinking that he was using her for information. He generally liked talking to her and didn’t remember being able to talk to someone like that before, not even Ramonda or Steve. 

“I may have found something,” Shuri called out and James paused what he was doing and walked over to see his face on a file. 

“Ever heard of the Red Room?” Shuri asked him and he remembered Steve mentioning it before. A dancer appeared in his mind and he shook his head. 

“A little why?” He asked and she continued typing. She pulled up the file Steve had given and started to compare the black outlines to see if any matched the length of the word Red Room. Suddenly the whole first couple of pages of the file popped up with at least one match on every page up until mid-2000. 

“It appears from the dates that you were in the Red Room for about a month maybe two,” Shuri said and James scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. 

“What was the Red Room?” He asked and Shuri tried to dig information up on it however it was automatically denied. 

“Interesting.” She said and he looked at her. 

“Can you get into it?” He asked and she shook her head. 

“It may take some time. I’m already using several breakers right now. Whatever happened here, it will not easily be tracked down.” She said and he sighed, at the moment it was another dead end. 

“Thank you,” James said, realizing that she didn’t have to do any of this for him. He started to slowly detach the arm and she stopped him. 

“Why are you taking it off?” She asked and he looked up at her.

“Don’t you want it back?” He asked and she shook her head. 

“It’s yours now, Sergeant Barnes, unless there are any issues with it. I expect to see that arm on you everywhere you go.” She said smiling up at him. James had no clue what to say. He never really thought about if he was going to be able to take with him or not. 

“Thank you.” He said holding out his hand and she took it and shook firmly. 

“Consider it my Christmas gift to you since you let me completely design the whole thing.” She said and he smiled at her. Christmas was right around the corner, only a couple days away and besides his therapy sessions with Ramonda, he was probably going to spend it at the gym. 

“Thank you again.” He said, not sure how many times he’d have to say it before he actually felt as though he’d said it enough. 

“Hey, now, you can actually use the weapons I make and try them out rather than telling me that the colorings are all wrong.” She snarked and he scoffed. 

“I did more than just that and how much did I save you prototype wise?” He asked and she rolled her eyes. 

“Shoo, before I take your Christmas gift away.” She joked and smiled at him as he waved goodbye. James felt odd having two arms, after almost a year of having one, he never thought that anyone would ever trust him with one again.

He walked outside and checked the time on his phone. He frowned, seeing that Natasha hadn't responded to his email yet but he also knew that she said they were getting a lot of missions coming up. Steve had to cancel his weekly facetime which he knew meant serious business. He remembered Steve trying to convince him to go get coffee so they could pretend to drink coffee together over the phone. He heard Natasha laugh about that one. 

He sighed as his mind went back to the blond avenger. James tried not to think about that relationship too much or even what it was becoming. At the beginning of this he thought for sure that she hated him, hell she should hate him. 

But everything she’d done contradicted that belief. James knew that he couldn’t even think about pursuing anything until he figured out what happened with the girl in dreams. How could he trust himself with someone else if he knew that in the end, this person died at his own hands? 

James flinched at the thought. The past couple of nights had been more gruesome than ever, he saw her as a target he attacked unable to let go. It always ended before he could see what happened and each time sent him running to be sick. 

He needed to know what happened to her before he could begin again. James looked at his phone and reread the draft text he wrote. Before he could even think about what he was doing, he hit send. Tucking his phone back in his pocket, he continued his walk home letting the silence take over. 

  
  



	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday guys! As promised here is chapter 27 and basically the beginning of the end of the Wakanda storyline wrapping up before we move on and start to follow along with the MCU again. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter because my lovely beta crazyevildru and I worked hard to make sure everything will flow smoothly between this chapter and the next! Hope you all enjoy, next update is 2/24 and I hope you guys let me know what you think!

_ December 2016 _

_ He could see Steve lying down on the ground next to him. His shield was too far for him to reach as James heard the recharge of the gun. He looked at Steve one last time before picking up the shield. James had to protect this kid.  _

_ Flashes of a small kid from Brooklyn played in his mind. He saw him get bullied. He was amazed how each time the kid got hit, he was able to get back up. James had had enough. He dragged the bully off to the side before he could even touch Steve again. He remembered the sound the kid's nose made as his fist collided with it.  _

_ Steve would never be beaten up again, not on his watch.  _

_ To see Steve on the ground trying to get up, James grabbed the shield and held it up, hoping that it would take the shooter’s focus away from Steve. He tried to shoot at one of Hydra’s men but the shield was heavier than expected and threw off his aim. He cursed as the shooter’s gun finally built up and suddenly cold air was blasting in his face as he struggled to hold on.  _

_ “Bucky!” He could hear Steve shout, and part of James smiled as he struggled to hold on. Steve tried to reach out to him but James knew the piece he was holding onto was too unstable. He could feel it shake every second the train moved. His grip started to slip and he could see Steve reach out his hand.  _

_ “Grab my hand,” Steve called out and James tried to reach for it. He wanted to live but the bar broke and suddenly the view of Steve was replaced by the grey winter sky and the feeling of falling took over.  _

_ James could hear himself screaming as he collided with rock bottom. He was unable to move from the position he was in. There was a burning feeling in his left arm that refused to go away. He tried to look but all he saw was blood. He couldn’t even move it. He could feel his right arm but not his left.  _

_ He closed his eyes, unable to scream out for help. James opened them to look up at the sky as snow piled on all around him. He had no clue how long he was there for or when he even noticed that the burning stopped.  _

_ He felt his pulse start to lower and accepted that this is how he would die.  _

James woke with a start. A chill swept over him as he looked at his new arm. It’d been a while since he’d had a dream before Hydra. He closed his eyes, still remembering the burning feeling that went through his left arm. He remembered thinking that this was how it ended for him. 

He slowly realized that it was Christmas morning. Unable to sit or try to go back to sleep, he went outside for his morning run. His new arm threw him off at first but slowly it became a piece of his body and he realized how much easier it was making a sandwich or cutting an apple now. James slowed his pace as he lapped around again to see someone standing by his door. He recognized the faces of his students however wasn’t expecting them to show up during their day off. 

“What are you guys doing here?” James asked and Amare smiled brightly at him with Erik by his side. He’d been training these kids for almost a year now and he was surprised how much they’d grown. None of them ever gave up, in fact, more started showing up. 

“We want to show our thanks to you for helping us train over the past months so each of us created our own as a thank you,” Amare said, handing him a pile of cards only being all held together by a red ribbon. James slowly took them from his hands and held them. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had gotten him a Christmas gift. 

“We also all chipped in and were able to, with the help of Shuri, make something else for you,” Erik said holding a simple square box. James started to shake his head. 

“No. You guys shouldn’t have spent any money on me,” James said, this was too much. Wakanda already provided him a place to live. There was no way that he could deserve any of this. 

“She didn’t actually let us pay, however we gathered all the materials and we each put in the time to make this,” Amare said and James raised an eyebrow at him and Amare just smiled. 

“Please take it,” Erik said and James sighed, taking the gift from him. He looked around at all the boys and even a couple of girls that joined in every single weekend. Slowly he opened the box and his eyes widened at the necklace. It was similar to the one that Shuri made for T’Challa but the teeth on it were a different shape and each tooth had engraved on it. 

“We made the teeth more wolf-like and each engraving is one of our names handwritten in Wakandan,” Amare explained and James touched the necklace. He could feel the engravings of each name and smiled.

“Thank you,” he whispered and they all smiled at him and bowed their heads. 

“Thank you for training us, White Wolf,” Amare said before they all slowly started to run off, each wishing him a happy holiday. James was soon left standing there in front of his house looking at both the gifts he received in shock. He was surprised that Shuri had been able to keep this from him and smiled putting in the necklace. He touched one of the teeth and smiled looking down. There were a lot of engraved names on it. 

He walked inside his house and went into the kitchen, sitting down at his table with the cards. He gently undid the ribbon and picked up the card on top. Amare's big handwriting appeared first and James smiled to himself as he read cover to cover every single card. 

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.

.

“So how was your morning?” Ramonda asked, handing him a mug and he thanked her. He slowly took a sip before coughing as chocolate flavor entered his month instead of the bitter taste of coffee. 

“Oh, I made hot chocolate today. I hope that’s ok.” Ramonda said and he shrugged. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve had it. I don’t mind.” He responded by taking another sip before walking to the board. 

“Let’s talk about your progress today and give that a break,” Ramonda said and he looked over at her and sighed, walking back to the couch. 

“I know how desperate you are to find this woman however we have to look at it from all angles. Your mind isn’t ready to process everything that’s happened.” She said and he winced as he heard the woman’s voice enter his head. 

_ “Comrade.” She said her eyes widening as she gasped for air. He could feel her hands digging into his metal arm. He only squeezed tighter as she gasped for air. He could hear a part of his mind telling him to stop but it was quickly shoved down. _

_ He could feel when her pulse stopped as he released her.  _

“Sergeant Barnes!” Ramonda shouted and James snapped out of it. 

“What, I’m sorry.” He said looking down at his hot chocolate, suddenly not very thirsty. 

“You’ve seen your scans, Sergeant Barnes. You know that your mind is trying to protect itself from something, whether it be love, fear, or anger; your mind isn’t ready yet. You can dig up all the information you want and I’ll be there for that however we must not forget that this woman represents something to you. Something you are not ready to handle.” Ramonda said and James looked up at her nodding his head. 

“Oh, James, I know it’s difficult.” She said for the first time using his first name. He looked up at her sympathetic gaze and tried to remember his own mother’s. He wondered if she looked at him the same way Ramonda looked at him. 

“I just wish I could remember why she was so important.” He whispered and they sat in silence for the longest time. He wondered if he would ever be ready to remember and worried that he would never be able to move on. 

“You must really like Agent Romanoff,” Ramonda commented and James’ eyes shot up towards her.

“Did you ever think that you can never move on unless you try?” She asked and he shook his head. 

“I could never do that to someone, I don’t know if I can trust myself.” He said and Ramonda frowned slightly. 

“I know you would never hurt someone you cared about. You have to separate yourself from the Winter Soldier, from Hydra.” Ramonda said and he nodded his head. 

“It’s just not fair to her. How can I ask anyone to be with me when I’m not even sure I can give my whole self to them. We don’t know what happened to this woman. She could be alive for all we know. She’s the key to these past ten years of my life. I want to know what happened.” He said and Ramonda shook her. 

“Then let’s get to work.” She said pulling up more files on his past and James smiled softly taking another sip of his hot chocolate. 

.

.

.

It was late Christmas night and James didn’t really know what to do with himself. He started walking anywhere he could. The streets were empty as people celebrated with their families. It made him wonder how his family celebrated or if they celebrated at all. 

Somehow he found his way back to Ramonda’s office. He knew it would be empty. He wasn't really sure what he was looking for but he just needed to be up high. He found the fire escape stairwell leading up to the roof and started waking up. 

The night sky was amazing here. James had been to many places in the world but none as beautiful as Wakanda. He felt a ping for the small apartment in Romania but it changed a lot since he last lived there. James sat on the edge, not really knowing what he was expecting to find. 

In the back of his mind, he knew that he wanted to find her here waiting for him. A part of him was thankful she wasn’t. They hadn’t emailed recently. Her responses to the last email he sent was a quick rushed one saying that she’d see what she can do. 

He missed those emails. He missed her playful responses when he wouldn’t know how to do something or advice she would give on a new technique to give the kids to try. Something about her presence in his life was comforting and having it taken away sent him on edge. 

“You know she said you would be here.” James jumped at the sound of a new voice greeting him. He turned around to see Steve appear from the shadows. 

“I see you’ve been getting better at sneaking up on people,” James said, getting up to hug his friend. Steve laughed as they embraced. 

“I’ve been told that however I still get beaten up for my footsteps being too loud.” He joked and James smiled. 

“How have you been?” James asked, pulling away. Steve joined him by sitting on the edge. 

“Busy. I know I missed our weekly facetime session but I was thinking maybe this would be better,” Steve said and James laughed. 

“Here on business or pleasure?” James asked and Steve smiled however it didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

“A bit of both,” Steve said, pulling out a file from his backpack. James started at it in awe as he was greeted with bold red words saying classified on it. Steve handed it to him and James was tempted to open it however he realized he might not have a lot of time with his friend. With that in mind, he put the file down next to him. 

“Is she here as well?” James asked and Steve shook his head. 

“She was originally coming but she went back to be with her family,” Steve said and James nodded his head. 

“What about any family you should be spending it with,” James said and Steve smiled. 

“I am.” He said and James looked out onto the streets. He wondered when it flipped from him taking care of Steve. Sometimes he looked at his friend and knew everyone saw the great war hero Captain America but he just saw that tiny punk from Brooklyn who never could run away from a fight. 

“Things have changed over the years,” Steve said and James scoffed. 

“Years, try almost a century, Pal. I’m about to be a centenarian.” He said and Steve laughed. 

“Do you remember that time you spent three dollars trying to impress that redhead, what was her name?” Steve said trying to remember and James laughed, thinking about all that money he spent only to be going home with Steve in the end. 

“Dot. I always did have a soft spot for redheads,” James said thinking back however when he tried to remember Dot all the images changed into  _ her.  _ James closed his eyes, just wanting to be with his best friend tonight. 

“Yeah well, you can’t even spend three dollars to get coffee nowadays,” Steve said and James laughed. 

“Oh, I know and they have all these frappuccino and cappuccino. All I want is just black coffee, no sugar or cream and these kids just look at me,” James said. 

“Oh don’t get me started on the clothing! I feel like half the time on undercover missions my ass is falling out of the pants Natasha makes me wear. Everything is so baggy nowadays.” Steve said, shaking his head at a particular memory of trying to run in them. 

“I see they gave you a new arm,” Steve said and James looked down at his blue arm. Shuri was right, it wasn’t nearly reflecting the lights as much. 

“I was surprised they let me keep it.” He said and Steve frowned. 

“Bucky, what you have going on here with the kids and all that, it’s great. What you’re doing? Don’t underestimate the power you have on those kids. But I also want you to think about what you could be doing a year from now or just in the future.” Steve said and James raised an eyebrow in confusion. 

“I mean that I want you to consider joining the Avengers. Right now we're looking a bit shabby however we have a great team and I could use you by my side.” Steve said and James' eyes widened. Flashes of his conversation with Ramonda played in his head. 

“I’m not good, Steve. I’ve done things and hurt more people than I care to share. Hell I probably tried to kill half the Avengers. Why the hell would you want me on that team?” James asked and Steve looked to the sky. 

“When I was picked by Dr. Erskine to take part in the super soldier project, I had no idea why they picked me. I was just a small kid from Brooklyn. There were so many other, many better options than me but they picked me. I found out later that Dr. Erskine picked me because he knew that someone like me who never had power before in my life would know to always respect it. Buck, one of the main reasons that the Avengers were formed was to protect others’ freedom. You would make a great avenger not just because of your metal arm or combat skills but because you know what it’s like to have freedom taken away from you. You would do everything in your power to make sure it never happens to anyone else.`` Steve said and James was frozen, looking up at the sky trying to process all the information Steve had told him. 

“I think I just need a little more time,” James said and Steve nodded his head. 

“Of course but know that the option is always open and I hope one day you’ll take it,” Steve said and James smiled looking up wondering if the woman of his dreams would be happy with him becoming an Avenger. 

“What was it like waking up after 70 years?” James asked and Steve looked over at him. They were both men out of their time however James still got to see parts of the evolution of it, Steve on the other hand just woke up to it all. 

“It was strange, very strange. Suddenly all these things that were years in advance were real. I replay that scene before I went under in my head wondering if I made the right call. I think about everything I’ve done since and believe that I did. But I still miss the past.” Steve said. 

“Would you ever go back if you could?” James asked him and Steve sighed. 

“I’m not sure I could ever go back unless I felt like my job was finished,” Steve said, and James thought about that little guy refusing to run away from a fight. James thought for once it was time for Steve to be a little selfish. 

“What about you?” Steve asked and James couldn’t help but laugh. He thought his answer would be a clear yes. Avoid Hydra. Never lose an arm. Never be turned into a monster. But a flash of her popped into his mind. He would have never met her, never loved her. He would have most likely had a family and settled down but that wasn’t what he wanted. He wasn’t the kind that needed a family to feel like his life has been fulfilled. 

“No.” He replied as flashes of red-painted his mind. 

.

.

.

Natasha stood by the window, watching as snow fell. It was late Christmas night at the Barton household and she smiled at the kids' reaction to her being downstairs when they woke up. The gifts were nothing compared to seeing their Aunt Nat for the first time in two years. 

“What are you doing up?” Clint said walking down the steps. She looked at his ankle and frowned. He shrugged his shoulder and walked up next to her. 

“I couldn’t sleep.” She said. Natasha tried to let herself sink back in with the Barton family however her mind kept going back to Wakanda. She worried she mixed something in the file or that maybe he remembered and wanted nothing to do with her. 

“Just give it time, Natasha.” He said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She sighed, wishing that she had all the answers. Christmas with the Bartons made it easy to forget how alone she really was. However, Lila did ask her if one day she would have kids of her own. Laura quickly corrected her daughter but Natasha could already see the flashes start to take over. 

She closed her eyes, remembering the metal table and the way the blood dripped on the scissors. She would never be able to have this, have a family, a house with a white picket fence. She would never be able to settle down and have a job that went from 9-5. She wasn’t raised that way. She couldn’t possibly start to live that kind of a life now. Who would even want that?

“Thank you for coming. I know picking couldn’t have been easy.” Clint said and Natasha shook her head. 

“Never. I miss the kids. I miss you. I just have a lot on my mind right now. I’m sorry.” She said and he squeezed her shoulder. 

“Coffee?” He asked and she smiled.

“Always.” She said about to follow him into the kitchen when an email notification popped up on her phone. She raised an eyebrow to cheek and smiled at the Thank you and Merry Christmas. Suddenly a weight felt as if it had been lifted and with a quick reply, she followed Clint into the kitchen. 

Natasha wondered if maybe he would remember. A part of her wished he would, another part feared what would happen if he did. She pulled out her phone looking at a number that met her eyes

“You know the only way to see how he’s doing is by calling.” Clint called out from the kitchen. She cursed at his ability to predict his every move. 

“Just do it, Natasha. Coffee’s going to take a bit to get ready.” He said as she walked in. He started to move in a very slow motion only to be more dramatic about how slow Clint would be while making this coffee. She rolled her eyes at him before dialing. 

.

.

.

James and Steve had changed locations to where James was living. Steve was already fast asleep in the guest bedroom but James couldn’t fall asleep. Not just yet. He stared up at the stars holding on to a hot chocolate. He blamed Ramonda for getting him hooked on it. 

He didn’t notice it at first but a couple rings later, he felt a buzzing in his pocket and reached for it. A name flashed and he felt an excitement seep through him. 

“Agent Romanoff, alway a pleasure.” James smirked and he could hear her laugh on the other end of the phone. James blinked, thinking how familiar it sounded. 

“A pleasure now? Come on, Barnes. Tell me how you really feel.” She joked back. He could already picture the look on her face and his thoughts drifted away from her laugh. 

“Merry Christmas or day after Christmas.” He told her. 

“Oh the worst day of the year for sure. Back to work and no great holidays in sight.” She joked and he could feel himself smile as he took a sip from his hot chocolate. 

“Did I pass Steve’s mark of approval that I don’t need a babysitter? I’d hate to have you come all the way down here.” He told her but hoped that she would come down without Steve asking her to next time.

“Oh yeah, absolutely. Already read a fifty page report from Steve. Do you know how many times he can comment on the fact that you have a hole in your sweater” She told him and he looked down. It appears he did have a fraying edge of his shirt. 

“Your ability to read Steve's report astounds, me Agent Romanoff.” He said although disappointment filled him as he wished that she could appear right now in front of him. 

“How are you? How are things going with Ramonda?” She asked and James was about to give the generic response that he gave anyone who asked but paused, remembering their time on the roof together. 

“Honestly, I feel like I’m getting nowhere.” It was his only response and he heard her go silent. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked and if it were any other person James would have said no but with Natasha things were different. He was slowly growing to trust her and open up to her in ways he never could have with Steve. She didn’t worry about him and look at him as if he were about to break like Steve would. The fact that they texted almost everyday about everything and nothing at the same time meant worlds to him.

“Do you mind? I’m sure there are better ways to spend your night, well morning.” He told her and she laughed. 

“Believe me I could think of nothing more I’d rather be doing.” Natasha told him seriously. No joking tones, no sarcasm; she would be there for him.

“There is this woman in my dreams, I have no idea who she is. I just know she was important but her face every time I think of her... it’s blurry. Everything feels like it revolves around her. If I could just figure out who she was to me, I feel as though everything will fall into place.” He told her and she was quiet for the longest time. 

“Tell me about her.” She finally said and James thought he misheard her. 

“What?” He asked and she repeated. 

“Tell me about her. Maybe talking about her will help put some pieces into place.” Natasha explained to him and he paused, Not knowing where to start but once he did, he couldn’t stop himself. He told her everything. Well, not everything but so many details that he remembered adventures the two of them went on. Natasha never spoke during the whole time he was talking. James wondered if she hung up but she was still on line by the time he finally cut himself off. 

“She sounds like a real piece of work.” Natasha said and he laughed thinking of the woman who wasn’t afraid of anything that walked into her path. But this time another face started to take form in his mind. 

“She was.” James said, numbingly remembering some of the last memories he had gotten. Remembering the horror that washed through him in flashbacks he had earlier. 

“Was?” She asked. He couldn’t blame her, she didn’t know. Natasha didn’t know everything and a part of him was afraid to tell her what he thinks he did. 

“You know you can tell me anything.” She told him and he was scared. He knew their friendship was new and he wasn’t sure he wanted to test its fragility. But he could hear her voice and he didn't know why he felt as if he needed to come clean to her about everything. 

“Lately I’ve been having dreams about her, seeing her as a target, as a mission. I can never stop myself. I’m never in control. I see her and I attack, all because of a command. I can never stop myself. I’m scared that I hurt her, that I killed her, that her blood is on my hands.” James started and it was silent for the longest time. He felt like he needed to say something after all that. 

“James, I need to tell you-” She spoke at the same time he continued to say, “That’s why I’m so obsessed, because I have no idea what happened.” He paused, waiting to see if she said something else. “I’m sorry I cut you off, what did you need to tell me?” He asked her and he could hear her take a deep breath. 

“You’re a good man, James.” Natasha said to him and James’ face froze. A feeling of deja vu took over him and his reply felt almost automatic. 

“Not really. No. But you’re the only one who understands that.” He whispered feeling the cold air around him. 

He thought of what else to say, what else he could think of when he could hear someone else talking on the other end of the line. 

“Natasha?” He called out as she could hear her thank someone for something. 

“Sorry, Clint was just giving me some coffee.” She explained and he nodded his head. The moment passed and with every second and it drifted further and further from his mind. 

“Oh no, you’re fine. Although it is getting late.” He said, hearing her yawn even though he knew she was trying to hide it. 

“Are you sure? I can stay up longer if you want to talk more.” She said and he smiled, trying to picture her tired face looking as if she was about to fall asleep. 

“It's ok, Natasha, you can go to sleep. I’m sure you’ll be dealing with rowdy children in the morning that want to play with all their new toys with you.” James said and Natasha laughed.

“Same for you too. And you have at least triple the amount of kids to keep up with then me.” Was her reply and he smiled wishing once again that she could be here. 

“Thanks for reminding me. Steve will be in for a rude awakening tomorrow as well since they’ll come knocking before the sun even rises.” He told her groaning, although in reality he loved those kids. He touched the necklace that had been given to him earlier that day and knew he would never take it off. 

“Oh, Steve will finally meet his match with someone who likes to wake up earlier than him.” Natasha thought about all the early morning running she was forced to endure. 

“Oh it will be an interesting sight for sure. I’ll have to keep you updated.” He told her. 

“Please do.” She replied and James’ smile grew.

“Hey, one last thing before I let you go.” He told her, unable to help himself. 

“What’s up?” She asked him and he thought about what he desperately needed to tell her. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about everything that has happened between us. How we were kept for all those years. Everything surrounded by lies and deception. But after everything we’ve been through you're one of the most genuine and honest people I have ever gotten to know and I just wanted to know that I appreciate you being there for me. We have a rough history and you have every right to hate me but you don’t. I guess this is just thank you for... well... being someone I can talk to at the end of the day.” He told her, wondering if it made sense, worried he said too much. 

“Don’t let Steve hear you say that; he might have his feelings hurt if he heard he wasn’t the most genuine.” She tried to joke, however something had shifted in her voice. James tried to shake away that something was off in her tone. 

“Something tells me that you can keep a secret. We’ll just keep that part of the conversation between us.” He replied trying to lighten the mood from his confession. 

“Goodnight, Barnes, we’ll talk soon.” Was all she said and James only had a second to say goodnight before the call was ended. He was left staring at his phone, wondering if he said too much before shaking his head. She would tell him, there was no point in getting all worked up over something that was most likely nothing. 

.

.

.

The phone was out of her hands as fast as possible, landing in the snow. She watched as it started to sink in, finding herself not caring if it was broken or not. 

“Did you get what you needed?” She could hear Clint asked from the doorway. Natasha knew that Clint had already heard everything. 

“No.” She whispered. His words replayed in her head over and over like a broken record. She thought for a moment that he was going to remember something, anything. She choose her words carefully but all to watch it fall apart right in front of. 

Clint didn’t say much. He didn’t need to. He walked passed her into the snow and dug up her phone. He turned it on and off before handing it to her when nothing appeared to be wrong with it. 

“Thank you.” She whispered and he looked at her with sad eyes but still not saying a word. Instead, he took a seat right next to her by the porch and waited. She leaned her head on his shoulder. Her mind was racing. 

“I really did dig myself a hole.” She finally spoke and he chuckled. 

“I’d say you're getting pretty close to six feet.” He replied and Natasha smiled. It was a small one but a smile none of the less. 

“Did I make the right choice?” She asked him and somehow he knew exactly what she was asking him. 

“You felt that at the time it would be the right thing to let him remember on his own. Don’t go back on it now. You don’t have to explain yourself or your choices to anyone. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and also gave him the chance to start over, Natasha. You had no idea that he would start to remember you and that he would be so dead set on it as well. No one can predict the future, but we'll deal with things as they come. If he remembers or not, we'll deal with that together.” Clint reassured her by pulling her close. 

She had been so close to telling him the truth yet she stopped herself. Maybe a selfish part of her wanted them to be normal for just one more night. Well as normal as they could be. She wondered if she saw him tonight, if she went to Wakanda instead of here, would she have made the same call?

Natasha closed her eyes thinking of easier times. Trying to not think about the look of betrayal that would paint James’ face when he found out. For once, she let herself get lost in the company of her best friend and bury the guilt that was weighing her down, at least for now. 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday! Wow it feels like this week flew by but here is chapter 28 which I think is the chapter you guys have all been waiting for. This chapter was very hard to write and would not have been possible without crazyevildru's support and editing. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think. Next update 2/27.

_ March 2017 _

James stared at a wall filled with papers and files. A blue string ran across one of Ramonda’s yellow walls. All around it was information that James had been able to gather the past couple of months. It was early March and they were still unable to piece together who this mystery woman was. Ramonda kept telling him to be patient, that the answers were somewhere in his mind but James was tired of the unknown. 

He knew he was close. He had the timeline he was based in Russia from 2000-2001. They discovered he was put on ice for most of that year. All of 2002 he was alone in Romania working on assignments but that’s where some of the facts were off. He remembered living with the red-headed woman in Romania, but it was easy to see Hydra altering the record. 

From there it was wherever Pierce was which was mainly in the United States but was put back on ice around 2007-2009. After that, he could remember bits and pieces and slowly more gaining up to 2014 and to now. 

Shuri was unable to break into the Red Room files. She promised she would keep trying yet somehow James knew they would turn up empty. They needed to find another way to gather information. Natasha had sent him anything she could find and he spent most of his January reading through the file and February sorting all of the information. 

Ramonda made sure that he was taking breaks and letting himself do other things rather than obsess. She watched him with concern as the bags under his eyes grew. She cut him off after three cups of coffee knowing that he was unable to sleep. 

“Sergeant Barnes, sit.” She said and James froze turning to look over at her. He almost forgot that she was there. He looked at the board one last time before sitting down. 

“I’m concerned, Sergeant Barnes. You are going to overwork yourself. How much sleep are you getting? None?” She asked and James looked down. He couldn’t look at her. 

“You need a break. Give me the files you have.” She said, holding out her hand. James froze, he couldn’t hand them over; what if there was something he missed? He couldn't afford another night of not finding anything. James rubbed his face with his hands. He wondered when his beard grew in and when his hair started to reach his shoulders. 

“I can’t afford to lose her again,” James said but the trail had fallen cold and with it, any hope of James finding her. 

“Sergeant Barnes, I keep telling you: everything you need to know is inside your head. The answers you’re seeking aren’t going to be in these files.” Ramonda told him, her eyes softening. James knew what she was saying was right but just sitting and waiting wasn’t his thing. 

“You need to rest. I'm confiscating all your files. We will reevaluate this tomorrow.” Ramonda said and James tried to argue however he couldn’t find the will to. He was so tired of leaving his meeting with Ramonda empty handed. 

James slowly made his way home, feeling as if every step his legs were about to give out. He was getting lost on his mind of the unknown that he almost missed a phone call. 

“Hello?” He asked, forgetting to look at the caller id before answering. He hoped it wasn’t Shuri saying she needed him at the lab. He was desperate to give his body a break. 

“Wow, you really do sound awful.” Natasha’s voice came through the phone and he tried to smile but from the odd looks he was getting as people passed him by he was sure it didn’t look right. 

“Romanda?” He asked already knowing the answer. Once when Natasha was brought into the investigation, Romanda and Natasha had been talking quite a bit lately it seemed like. 

“She’s only worried about you.” Was Natasha’s responses but he could hear the panic in her own voice. 

“I’m ok, really. I’m taking a break. Romanda took all my files away and I know she’s right at the end of the day. Whatever I can’t remember is being suppressed for a reason.” James explained to Natasha who’d already heard this a thousand times over hundreds of phone calls yet she still paid attention and listened as if it were all new information. All so James could get everything off his chest.

She had really been there for him day in and day out since after Christmas. Every up and down she was there but she could never visit. Steve had stopped by with Sam once since Christmas. It was short and James appreciated seeing his best friend but he really just wanted to see her. 

“Why don’t I come down this weekend and visit?” She asked and he could feel himself get excited. 

“Are you sure? I know Steve has been sending you on all kinds of missions lately.” James said, kicking himself for trying to talk her out of it. 

“No it might be good to get you out of the house.” She joked and James was thankful for her trying. He unlocked the door to his house and entered. He had every intention of doing what he told Ramonda and Natasha that he would finally give himself a break but something caught his eye. 

He could hear Natasha talk to him about plans and when she would be coming but James' attention was captured by his backpack. He pulled it out and dumped everything out on the bed. A burner phone that he never paid much attention to before was suddenly everything to him. He tried to remember where got it. Tried to think if it was his to begin with. 

But there was no way; every burner phone he ever had was destroyed. Wakanda was the first time he had a phone since his missions. James reached for it, picked it up even, wondering if it wasn’t his then whose?

The brightness of the phone blinded his eyes and he blinked repeatedly, trying to get used to the harsh glare. It was a miracle that it still had power left. James tried searching. No texts, no number, no calls. The only thing left was a short voice recording that James didn’t pay too much attention to first. He tried finding any photos but still, the phone had been completely wiped of everything except one voice recording. 

Finally going back to it, James could hear Natasha call out to him at the same time he hit play. 

“James?” She asked 

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.”  _ The voice said and James was frozen. She called out to him again as the recording kept going, saying the same thing over and over again. 

Everything went silent as James tried to process what he was hearing. He  _ knew  _ that voice. He was on the phone with the person whose voice this was. 

He could hear Natasha asking him if everything was ok and he hung up. His mind replaying everything as the voice recording kept talking. 

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.” _

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.” _

_ “Rendezvous 2 minutes I’ve been compromised, requesting extraction.” _

He  _ knew  _ that voice. His whole mind saw red and he wondered if it was all a cruel joke. After everything he’s been through another barrier set up by Hydra. 

But as the floodgates opened suddenly, the truth was bleeding red everywhere and the one person he expected to always tell him the truth was the one hiding it from him. 

James felt like he was going to be sick as memories kept flooding in one after the other. 

_ “Would you prefer for me to call you Winter Soldier, or something else?” She asked and looked so young her fire burned bright. She looked at him, analyzing every aspect of him. He’d never had anyone look him the way she does.  _

_ He forced himself to remain quiet, almost smirking to himself; she was too easy to get riled up. He shook his head; he shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. He closed his eyes, trying to turn it all off. He filled her away in a compartment he could not reach.  _

_ “Have it your way, Comrade.” She responded and just like that, the file in the compartment grew.  _

Her green eyes haunted him as he spilled his guts into the toilet, clutching it, trying to hold on for his life. Trying to keep his sanity as suddenly every second of their history was taking over him. 

_ “Train me to be your equal.” That was what she wanted. Didn’t she know that no one could ever be his equal? He couldn’t allow that much blood to go on anyone else's hands. She fought him and he watched her grow. She was improving greatly.  _

_ James found himself getting distracted today, He couldn’t help but stare at her with his own eyes. His tinted glasses truly did not compare to seeing her hair. He watched as it whipped around and suddenly he was on the defensive. He told himself that he needed to focus.  _

_ But she refused to back down. When he met her gaze there was a fire burning so bright that he got lost in her. Her file suddenly was so big that the compartment couldn't hold it anymore as red-painted his mind.  _

_ Suddenly bright lights filled his vision and he could hear her cheering.  _

_ “Did you see that?” She shouted in victory.  _

_ James couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was beautiful. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched how happy she became to beat him in a one on one for the first time. He’d never seen a look on her face like that before.  _

_ Yes. Maybe it was possible that one day she could become his equal. He would just do everything in his power to protect that smile.  _

Another wave of memories. Still the same face that greeted him every time. James reached for his phone, knowing he wasn’t going to last much longer, knowing that there was a chance that if he fell asleep, he would forget. 

She answered on the same ring her voice called out in concern. 

“I need you.” Was all he managed to say before the nausea took over one last time. This time he remembered a more recent conversation; he remembered the feeling of deja vu 

_ “You’re a good man, James.” Natasha said to him.  _

_ “Not really. No. But you’re the only one who understands that.” He whispered feeling the cold air around him.  _

James clutched his head in his hands remembering that same conversation only years earlier, in a tiny apartment in Romania. He thought of every tiny interaction since then. He thought of every lie that was spun. Everything done to keep him from knowing the truth. 

He had one last question left:  _ why? _

“Sergeant Barnes,” Romanda called out, opening the front door in a panic. James watched as she entered her eyes widened at the sight of him as he clutched the toilet even harder and another wave rolled over him. 

His arms gave out and his head hit the tile floor. He could hear Romanda gasp and rush over to him. She placed her cold hands on his head and he blinked, trying to remember everything, trying to remember her smile but it morphed into horror on her face as she watched the monster he had become. 

“Please tell me what’s happening.” Romanda asked and all he could do was whisper one word. 

“Red.” He told her. To anyone else, he would just be saying a color but to Romanda she knew exactly what her patient had been attempting to tell her.

__

Her concerned gaze was on him as his head was against the tile floor. He couldn’t stop shaking and there was a fear in Ramonda’s eyes as she watched him force himself to remember.

James pushed his head further into the tile trying to cool his burning body down. Everything was flashing through his mind all at once and he couldn’t stop himself as he felt another wave of nausea takeover.

“Sergeant Barnes, maybe we shouldn’t push this,” Ramonda told him, her eyes filled with that same motherly concern he saw every time he was like this. Her light pink sundress hurt his eyes under the fluorescent lights in the bathroom.

James lifted his head to throw up once again in the toilet. He would have to remember to get her flowers after this session. She rubbed his back and held back his damp hair.

As if the floodgates finally sprung in his mind trying to repeat the voice he heard on the phone, he shouted in pain. His hands clutched the side of his head and Ramonda’s scared cries were muted by the sound of  _ her _ .

All James could hear and see was her. Her fiery red against the snow to her burning green eyes as she glared at him from the floor. He’d seen that expression before. He wanted her to hate him; he wanted her to stay away because he knew that he wouldn’t have the strength to stay away from her.

A newer image passed through his mind. A simple string of words that he had forgotten had been whispered to him a year ago. Her last breath had still been an attempt to bring back his memories of her.

“ _ You could at least recognize me _ ,” she had told him as she clawed at him to let her go. He hated himself at that moment. He wanted to understand why she never told him, all the secret messages and meanings that he never understood made sense now. Suddenly it was as if he was being given the key to all her secrets and they were pouring into his mind.

When his mind finally came back to the present, Ramonda’s frightened face was the first thing he saw. He groaned at the pounding of his head and she sighed in relief.

“Sergeant Barnes, can you hear me?” she asked and he nodded his head slightly. She breathed in and helped him off the floor. She helped him back to his bed and the second his body hit the comforter all he wanted to do was rest. However he was too afraid to close his eyes, not knowing if he would be able to remember it in the morning. 

“A long time ago Natalia Romanova made me remember what it was like to feel human,” James told her, his vision blurring slightly. Ramonda’s eyes widened at that and she grabbed her notebook without another word. Her eyes passed over his open backpack with its contents spilled out over the floor; a shining phone caught her eye however she hurried back to his side.

“Is she the one from your dreams, Sergeant Barnes?” Ramonda asked him and he nodded his head. He closed his eyes and all he saw was her face. It didn’t matter if she changed her name, it would always be her.

“She doesn’t go by that anymore,” James said as his eyes closed. His fist clenched in anger as her face became clear as day. She hadn't changed a bit from when he first met her. The fire in her eyes burned bright and all he felt was betrayal. 

“Her new name is Natasha Romanoff,” he whispered and he could hear her pen stop scribbling down in her journal.

“Are you sure?” she asked him, completely shocked by the new evidence.

“Positive,” he said with closed eyes as he looked at the woman he loved, the woman who lied to him.

.

.

.

“Steve, something’s wrong. I know it.” Natasha said on edge after her phone call had ended with James. She had managed to call just about every living person in Wakanda before finally calling Steve while he was coming back from a mission. 

“No one answered?” Steve asked and she shook her head. 

“No one, not even Shuri, and her whole lab is practically a computer. I’m worried about him. What if the government found him? What if someone gave away his location?” Natasha asked the panic evident in her voice. 

Her mind was spinning and her hands were all over the place packing and shoving things in a go bag, not even thinking about what she was doing. 

“Natasha, I need to take a deep breath. I can be home in a couple of hours. After that we can go to Wakanda. I’ll have Sam keep calling and you keep trying to get a hold of someone as well. We don’t know anything, but that doesn’t mean everything’s gone to shit.” Steve cursed and Natasha could tell Steve was trying to keep himself together since she was an absolute mess. 

“You’re right. I’m just going to get everything ready to leave when you get back.” She told him and they said goodbye. But Natasha was still on edge. There was something she didn’t tell Steve, something she worried came too soon. 

Over the phone she could have sworn she heard her voice. It was muffled and she didn’t understand but she knew it was her. Natasha tried to stay calm; she tried not to think about what it could mean. She tried to think that this was all some big coincidence and when they all saw each other next, things would be back how they had been. But she wondered if she really wanted that. Or if she was thinking of a different past, one a long time ago that she wasn’t sure they could ever return to. 

.

.

.

_ “James!” He could hear someone cry out suddenly his whole body was in attack mode. His restraints were loosen and he saw his target. His response was automatic. His metal hand tightening around his target’s throat. Her face was blurry before but now it was crystal clear. He saw every expression on her face. He watched the fear take over, the fear that was at him.  _

_ Her eyes were dull as panic started to fill them. There was no fire in them this time. He was the one that was wiping it all out this time, and he hated himself for that.  _

_“Comrade?”_ _She whispered gasping for air. No, he wasn’t her Comrade right now, he could never be her comrade, not after everything he’s done._

_ His mind screamed for him to let go. Telling him to stop, to not hurt her, to not do what was about to be done.  _

_ But his body never listened as his hand only squeezed tighter. He could feel her fingers digging into the metal of his arm. She wasn’t going to fight him. No. He wanted her to, he wanted her to make it out alive. She needed to so he could never forgive himself; he didn’t fight it. If her blood was on his hands. But that never happened. He was commanded to pull away and he did. Pure hatred filled himself as he watched her fall to the ground. He couldn’t even stop himself, it wasn’t even his own mind that finally pushed through Hydra's control on him. _

_ She looked at him and he wondered if she truly saw what he was, nothing but the monster Hydra made him.  _

James woke up from his daze at the hospital. He wished it had all been a dream but once the truth was out, it was hard to shove back in. The white walls and tiny window told him that he was in a hospital. Well that and the fact that he was wearing a gown and was connected to machines. 

He was alone with his mind and for the first time in months, he was afraid. He was terrified at everything he had done. All the progress, anything he remotely felt was true was washed away by the reality of the truth. 

How could he look at her and not see the way she stared at him in horror? How could he tell her he remembered all the terrible things he’d done? How could he tell her he still loved her even after everything that happened?   
  


James paused, wondering if he could still feel love like he used to. Or was it the memories overtaking him? Anger took over as he remembered how much pain he endured to find out the truth when the person who was supposed to tell him lied and left him alone. 

Everything was falling apart and he felt as if he couldn’t even trust his own mind anymore. The only thing he was sure of was that he couldn’t see her, not yet. He couldn’t face her. Not after everything he just remembered. 

.

.

.

He didn’t speak a word the whole time in the hospital. Romanda had visited but even she could see it was too soon. That he needed time to get away and process it. He knew that everything would settle in his mind eventually but he just wasn’t sure what the fall out would be. He wasn’t sure which emotions would be there when the dust settled.

There were three emotions at war with each other raging in his mind. A part of him was scared to face her. He wanted to stay as far away from her as possible to protect her from the monster that he became. That he was still afraid after all this time that he couldn’t even trust his own mind. 

The selfish part told him that he needed her, that despite everything, he should be with her. But that part was fading away more and more into the shadows the more he thought of her web of lies. 

The last emotion in his mind was anger. It had grown from a simmer to a burning flame the more he thought about it. He wondered how the woman he loved could do that to him. A voice in this rage was whispering if this was really angry or just hurt in disguise? He shoved that feeling down. He wanted to be angry. He didn’t want to suppress his emotions but the rational side was trying to take over trying to reason with him. But he wasn’t in the mood to be thinking rationally when she clearly wasn’t. 

He thought about every moment they’d been together. Every conversation, every word trying to piece together the truth that she had hidden from him. 

There was a bitterness. The woman he thought he could always trust was the one to pull out the knife from the back only to stab him in the chest. 

All three emotions were playing out in his head. To push her away, protect her, to love her, or a darker more bitter emotion that left a bad taste in his mouth. He needed to get away. He needed to go high. Everything around him was new yet so familiar. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of her. 

Even the rooftop where he sought to find peace, served as an even greater reminder. 

_ “Was he your first partner?” James asked and Natasha smiled sadly. _

__

_ “At S.H.I.E.L.D.? Yes. Generally? No,” she told him mysteriously. _

__

_ “What happened to your first partner?” he asked, letting his curiosity get the better of him and she went silent. James was worried that he might have pushed her too far. _

__

_ “Like I said they took everything from me,” she said and before James could ask any more questions she changed the topic. _

James winced at the memory. There were hints, bits and pieces as if she was going to tell him but never did and he wasn’t sure he could ever wrap his head around her logic.

He stared off into the sunrise of Wakanda. He breathed in closing his eyes. He tried to focus on his emotions. He tried to picture her face. Flashes came to him and every smile was replaced with horror as she flinched away from him. He remembered the feeling of dropping her like she was nothing. 

His phone buzzed once again. Texts and emails from Steve, Romanda, and  _ her _ . He didn’t respond to any. He would show up when he knew he was ready. When he knew which feelings would stay with him and which ones were in the moment reaction emotions. 

Mostly he didn’t know what to say to her. How could you tell the woman you loved that you remembered them? How could you say that you couldn’t stand the sight of their horrified face burnt into your mind? That he couldn’t tell if he wanted to hug her and kiss her or yell at her for her betrayal?

He was trying to find a balance, trying to sort through everything when he heard it. The faintest footstep and he hoped it was all his imagination. 

“You know Steve’s everywhere looking for you.” A voice called out behind him. He froze as that voice sent shivers down his spine. He couldn’t find the will to look at her. Three emotions were battling it out in his mind and he was waiting for the fall out, which one would win. 

“Barnes, did you hear me?” She asked as she came closer; it was too close. He could hear the faintest footsteps and smiled painfully. She still walked like a dancer. 

“I’m surprised it’s Barnes to you.” He said and she stopped moving. He found the dominant emotion to latch onto. Red painted his mind but this time it had nothing to do with her. 

“What do you mean?” She asked and he could almost laugh at the confusion in her voice. 

“You were always an amazing liar, Natalia. I just never realized you would lie to me.” He said and she was silent. He hoped he was hurting her. He hoped that she would stay away. He made up his mind about them at that moment and she deserved better. She needed someone who never saw her as a target. Her smile flashed in his mind at her first victory and he promised he would protect it. 

In order to protect it, he couldn’t be in her life. 

“James . . . ” Her voice trailed off as she stepped closer. James closed his eyes, begging her not to take a step closer. Suddenly she was too close and his senses were filled with her. They called out to him to grab her, to touch her. He needed her gone now. He opened his eyes and turned around to face her and felt his heart drop. She was still as beautiful as the day he met her. 

.

.

.

Natasha was at a loss for words. His icy blue eyes were blazing as the sun rose behind him. She saw the anger in his eyes as he looked at her in a new light. She tried to protect him, tried to not screw it up. He looked at her as if she were a stranger, the only difference was he knew. He knew the truth she had buried from him. The betrayal in his eyes froze her to her core. She had no idea what to do, what to say to stop the hurt. She couldn’t. She couldn’t go back in time to make him understand why. 

“I need time away from all this, away from you.” He clarified, his voice was empty and his face looking down; he couldn’t even look at her. She froze, knowing that was his way of dismissing her. She slowly moved to turn around her heartbeat dropped with every step she took away from him. She composed herself. She wouldn’t look back at him. She couldn’t show weakness. She couldn’t show how much her heart was breaking. 

It took everything in her not to fall to the floor at that moment. His words replaying in her head like a broken record. She knew that the outcome wasn’t going to be pretty if he ever remembered but she could have never predicted this. His anger wasn’t what she was ready for. Her hands were shaking but she clenched her fists. The pain of her nails digging into her flesh was a reminder that she was still breathing. 

Thoughts of them appeared and she couldn’t stop herself from the flashes that followed. She saw them and the life that they could have had. If she had just come clean to him from the beginning. He didn't care anymore. She hurt him, something she promised that she would never do to him.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! I'm giving you guys this chapter a little earlier than normal because I'm not sure I'll be able to update this Wednesday. But don't fear if I can't update 3/3 I'll update on 3/10. I hope you guys enjoy, crazyevildru and I worked hard to make this transition run smoothly as we approach the end of Wakanda before moving on to IW. We are really seeing James in his feels for a bit but trust me it will all be worth it in the end.

There was a pile of crumpled papers next to him. Email drafts filling up his mailbox. Texts left unsent almost as if he was wishing for something to do the thing that he was too scared to do. Or even some sign that showed him that this was the right choice. But that sign never came. The wind didn’t magically form fingers and fix all his problems. 

_ “I need time away from all this, away from you” _ he heard himself say. Over and over again that scene played out in his head. The war that was once raging in his mind was silenced. That angry that he latched onto had burned out and all that was left was the true feeling. The feeling that was rarely ever expressed yet so many people felt it,  _ hurt. _

He was never angry looking back. He wished that she would have stayed away. Approached him when he had time to think. But she came at a time when the betrayal was a fresh wound. Maybe, just maybe, he would have acted differently. But he refused to get caught up in the what ifs. No, not this time. He had made his bed and the only thing left for him to do was lie in it. 

He ended his day like every other day since he last saw her. Staring at the discarded papers. No emails sent. No texts sent. Everything was the same as he closed his computer. But at least this time he had a face to match the fiery red hair that he dreamed about for so long. 

.

.

.

The sound of rain hitting the window flooded James’ ears. He could feel Ramonda’s eyes on him as she went to take a sip of her coffee. They have been sitting there for the past ten minutes in silence. She was waiting for him to talk. However James could only keep his eyes on the window. Everything inside was numb. 

“Are you ready to talk about what happened?” Ramonda asked and James swallowed, looking down at the coffee cup which had long since cooled. He finally met her concerned gazed and winced at the last memory he had of her.

She had held his hair back as he puked into a toilet and sat in a chair as he rambled about a girl from his dreams, and, at the end of it all, had helped him with transportation to the hospital. James looked at her in a different light. That went above and beyond what was in her job description. 

“Who are you?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow. 

“I am Ramonda, your therapist.” She replied and James shook his head. 

“No. Who are you?” He asked, gesturing to the room. He’d seen the streets of Wakanda. This place was way nicer than expected. The view was one of the best in the city. She held herself as if she weren’t allowed to slouch. 

“My name is Ramonda, former Queen of Wakanda, wife of the late King T'Chaka, mother of the present King T’Challa and Shuri.” She said and James wanted to be surprised; he truly wanted to be however he knew looking into her eyes that he could see Shuri and T’Challa. 

“Why all the secrecy?” He asked and she put her notebook down. 

“After my husband died my life was gone. I was proud of my two amazing children but they didn’t need me anymore. They were all grown up however I saw you when they unfroze you; I heard the reports about you. I knew that you were special and that I wanted to help you. Logically, it made sense to keep your therapists in a close knit circle that we could trust and I volunteered.” She explained and he nodded his head. He couldn’t be surprised about anything anymore. After everything last week, all he felt was numbness. 

“Now, Sergeant Barnes, are we going to talk about what the real issue going on here is?” She asked and he stood up walking towards the window. The rain tapped against the glass and James put his forehead against the cool surface. 

He winced as more flashes went through his mind. He saw her as his target this time. 

_ The night was dark and she stood out to him like a flame in the darkness. He watched her from the window as she peered in, trying to watch what was happening. He observed her as Pierce talked to him but he couldn’t focus on anything he was saying.  _

_ She was distracting, even from a distance. He thought it was a poor choice of hair color to be in the business she was in. He couldn’t make out her face yet her figure was as clear as day from the roof. He thought that would be the perfect spot to hide out, but he was better than most people.  _

_ When the lights went off, he made his escape. He had his new target. He watched her from behind as he made his way up to the rooftops. She still had yet to see him. Still didn’t see the monster standing behind her. Silently he took the knife out of his pocket as he took a step closer. _

_ She was just another target, another body to dispose of by the end of the night. Another failed attempt at the director's life. She wouldn’t be any different from the rest. However when he glanced at her red hair, a feeling overtook him but he pushed it down. He would paint the ground with her blood.  _

He shook his head and opened his eyes as grey skies met his eyes. He was doing this to protect her. He couldn’t be angry at her. He tried to think about why she would lie to him, however he knew that it all made perfect sense. She was always looking out for him, even when he didn’t know it. 

He always wondered about last year and why she chose Stark’s side. He thought it was partly because she wanted him to be guilty, that she believed him capable of it. But then why let them go? He thought it had been for Steve but now he realized it was for the intel she would learn. 

He walked over the incomplete timeline and looked at it, suddenly having the key that could solve everything. He finally turned to Ramonda and pointed at the beginning. 

“I was sent to Russia. Our goal was to create more winter soldiers however they went rogue and didn’t turn out as expected.” James said flashes of his Natalia appeared in his mind. She would have never been tamed, she was wild. It was one of the things he loved about her. 

“Yes, but you already knew that.” She said and he shook his head. 

“I was there for another decade, kept on ice until Hydra was able to gather more of the serum to create more soldiers. Or at least that’s what I thought. I was brought into the Red Room to train one of their spies to become a soldier. This would create loyalty and give the chance to see how they would be put in situations. Hydra couldn’t afford another mistake.” James explained and Ramonda nodded her head. 

“Natalia was the best. Smart, beautiful, and deadly; she was the logical choice. They miscalculated one thing. I had been out of kryo for a couple years at that point. The brainwashing was starting to wear thin. Dr. Zola didn’t realize the effects it would cause. That I was starting to become human. I had no idea it was happening until I first laid eyes on Natalia; beautiful was the first thing that came to my mind. I knew something was wrong,” James said slowly filling in the timeline. Maybe he was telling himself that if he put all the pieces together suddenly everything else in his life would fall into place. Romanda listened to him talk and wrote down notes nodding her head. 

“From there, I trained with her. She was, well... something I had never seen before.” He said smiling slightly as he remembered her fire. Everything about her put him on edge, even to this day. Always wanting to do right by her even if it meant staying away. 

“When did the relationship start?” Ramonda asked, curiosity taking over. James had no idea how to answer that at first. He knew he was done for the first time she ever won a match against him. 

“Not until about four weeks in. I was leaving to go on a mission and we kissed for the first time. After that I was taken away, and they tried to wipe my memories away. Only it didn’t work; I still remembered her. I visited her in the hospital when I realized that they performed the operation on her anyway. After that, I kept my distance. I monitored her missions, trying to make sure the blame for my mistake wasn’t on her.” James said and Ramonda raised an eyebrow. 

“What do you mean by that?” She asked and James winced pointing further in the timeline. 

“After the incident I had to pretend that I had no memories, I couldn’t risk having them wipe me again. They put me on ice for a little while until Dr. Zola declared me the perfect weapon. They were suspicious of where my softness had come from. They had no clue about the relationship or had any reason to believe that Natalia was involved at all in my lapse. But I still remembered her. Two years later I tracked her down as a mission for the KGB. Hydra and the KGB wanted us to go undercover in Romania and we lived together for a year. Somewhere we went wrong and they found out and they tortured her for it.” James replied and Ramonda frowned into her notes. 

“And this was because you were in a relationship?” She asked and he nodded. All of that because they wanted him to be a monster and she turned him into a man. 

“You have to understand we were supposed to be machines. The things we had to do to survive, most people would have died from it. I would have put a bullet through my brain a long time ago if not for Natalia.” He whispered and Ramonda froze. 

“You mentioned they tortured her because of your relationship. I thought earlier they didn’t suspect anything.” She asked furiously, writing down every detail.

“We were careful but at some point Hydra got wind of something going on and they had me wiped infront of her. That time it worked. They ordered me to attack her and I did. I couldn’t even control myself from hurting the woman I loved most in this world.” He said, finishing the timeline for 2002-2003. His had gripped the market and flashes of his metal hand gripping her neck played out in his mind. 

“So is that why you pushed her away?” Ramonda asked and James paused when writing. She always knew what he was thinking. Always knew why he did the things he did. 

“How do you know?” He asked and Ramonda smiled sadly. 

“When you’ve been around people long enough you see the same eyes in different people, yours shows me someone whose heart is breaking.” Ramonda replied and James stayed silent. 

“Why did you send her away?” She asked and James looked at the timeline going to 2004 and drawing a line to 2007. There was still more to the story. He started writing in Switzerland in 2007 and then in between he wrote Italy and Brazil.

“We met again in 2004. She was assigned to gather intel, possibly to make a move on Alexander Pierce head of S.H.I.E.L.D. but secretly also Hydra. I was his watchdog and was sent to attack, but she used this phone,” James said, taking the phone out of his pocket and putting it on the table. “To distract me and I have no clue what happened but it worked.”

“And that was how you remembered everything?” Ramonda said bring all the details together. 

“Yes. I have no clue how but over the years I was kept in Hydra, they would wipe me after every mission as a way to ensure what happened in 2002 wouldn’t happen again. I kept a journal where I would write down any memory I had and I would leave hints in my room to help me find them and force myself to remember her.” James said and Ramonda scrunched her eyebrows up, 

“So did you find her again in 2005?” She asked and he shook his head. 

“No. Hydra broke off connections with the KGB after our incident. I was still able to keep tabs on her, her missions, where she was. When you’re a ghost, you have many questions you want answered. Natalia was gaining a reputation and became on S.H.I.E.L.D. 's radar, they sent task forces to kill her. I just so happened to be in Italy and Brazil the same time she was and managed to take them out for her.” He replied. 

“And you never tried to reach out to her?” She asked and James shook his head. 

“I couldn’t risk it. After what they made me do to her last time, I knew I couldn’t be trusted with my own mind. I couldn’t hurt her like that again, so I protected her in any way I could.” James said, gaze turning back to the board. Event kept replaying in his mind, it felt as if they were stuck in an endless loop. James wondered if he would ever be able to trust his mind completely. 

He could feel her gaze on him however this wasn’t like the last time they met, he was in control. He knew what happened next.

“In 2007 Hydra declared Madam Irene to be a threat. She was the former Headmistress of the Red Room however was fired because of the scandal with Natalia and me. She was apparently gaining information on Hydra to leak to an unknown third party. I was sent to kill her,” James paused as he wrote down the information. 

“When I tracked her down, I found her dead. She drowned in a tub. I inspected the video recordings to try and figure out what happened and saw Natalia. Apparently Madam Irene held a grudge against Natalia for quite some time since our affair is what got her kicked out of the Red Room. I arrived three weeks too late to save her.” James said bitterly, remembering seeing her in a cage as they treated her like she was some kind of animal. 

“I knew I needed to get her out of the KGB. She needed to get away. So I was able to track her before she got too far. I broke protocol knowing that I would get wiped again. I found her and helped her before knocking her out. I watched as she was taken in by S.H.I.E.L.D. before turning myself back into Hydra.” James said, finishing 2007.

“How did you know that S.H.I.E.L.D. was there?” Ramonda asked and James smirked. 

“Barton isn’t as good as hiding on rooftops as he claims to be. I figured if he hadn’t killed her yet then there would be a chance they would take her away from the KGB. I knew she would find a way to survive. Natalia isn’t one to give up.” James said missing that fire in her eyes. 

“Then why send her away?” Ramonda asked and James shook his head. 

“I shot her twice, I did so much harm to her I don’t even know where to start to ask her forgiveness.” James said, slowly writing into the 2009 slot Odessa. He grabbed a new cup of coffee and took a sip as the bitter flavor took over his mouth. 

“Did you ever think that she’s looking for your forgiveness as much as you're looking for hers??” Ramonda asked. She already knew the truth. She could already see he was torn inside. There was nothing for him to forgive. But there was plenty that she needed to forgive him for. Enough that he knew it would be best to stay away. 

“It doesn’t matter what she’s looking for. I don’t know how to live with myself in all this. I don’t know how to process all this. I loved her- I still love her- but it’s been almost a decade since we were last together and I’ve tried to kill her multiple times. It’s not a matter of can she forgive me, it’s can I forgive myself?” James asked and Ramonda smiled softly. 

“And that, Sergeant Barnes, is what we are trying to do.” She said, gesturing for him to sit back down on the couch. 

.

.

.

The sound of shots being fired rang in Natasha’s ears as she shot and aimed perfectly. The ear muffs tried to protect her hearing the best they could but she could still hear the bullets being shot. They brought her comfort in the darkly lit room. 

She went to reload but a reflection in the window caught her eye and she turned around to see Steve looking at her. He seemed out of breath from his morning run, well- 4 am can’t sleep run. She took off the ear muffs and put the gun down before walking over to him. 

“What’s up, Steve?” She asked and walked away from him to collect the target and she brushed the spots where the bullets passed through. All of them dead center. She turned back to Steve who was standing in the doorway frowning. His hair and beard were starting to get longer; she could tell it irritated him. They both had to change their appearance when on the run. 

“Can’t sleep?’ He asked and she stared blankly at him. 

“Nothing’s changed since before.” She said setting up a new target practice. She could hear Steve sigh in frustration; she knew she was being difficult. Natasha knew Steve just wanted to give her a chance to vent but the thing was, she couldn’t. She was too numb to talk about it; she'd been that way ever since it happened. 

“He’ll reach out, Nat; you just have to be patient.” Steve said and Natasha wanted to smile but she didn’t have it in her to lie anymore. 

“I’m not sure about that. Is he even talking to you anymore?” She asked and he looked down. Natasha had heard parts of their brisk phone calls that always ended in less than five minutes. She hadn’t seen or heard from James since their last meeting on that rooftop. 

“Natasha, he could have changed his mind; you found him when everything was so new.” Steve tried but he hadn’t been there. Steve didn’t see the betrayed look in James’ eyes. And he didn’t see how James couldn’t stand to be within five feet of her. Didn’t hear his voice when he told her he never thought she would lie to him. 

“Steve, you weren’t there. He hasn’t reached out. He doesn’t want to see me.” Natasha said, keeping a straight face. Steve stared at her for a long time, trying to look for the tiniest crack in her mask. She had none. She’d been through hell. She needed to let go of James. 

He finally nodded his head, as if she passed a test. Lately, it has been just them in the house. Sam was doing missions in between and Wanda was ‘secretly’ visiting Vision, as if the whole team didn’t already know. The house felt empty. Hydra was dismantled. Fury reported that there was no activity. It felt almost like a hollow victory to Natasha. 

“You want coffee?” Steve asked and Natasha was relieved that he changed the topic and nodded her head. They walked into the kitchen where a file that she had written up for Fury laid innocently in the middle. 

“You know I could have written that.” Steve commented and Natasha glared at him. He held his hands up in surrender as she finished reading it over one last time. Without hesitation she signed it and closed it, not thinking about what it meant. 

“Do you think Fury will approve it?” Steve asked, handing her a cup of coffee. 

“I know he will.” Natasha said, taking a sip. 

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.

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The screen hurt his eyes. Hours passed as he sat in front of the screen waiting for a sign once again. He blinked, knowing his eyes were bright red. An email address was in the send to option. It was one that he knew very well. 

His mouse loomed over the send button but every time he went to hit send, he stopped himself. Tonight was no different as he once again closed the laptop in frustration. He wondered if he would ever be ready to face her again. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday everyone! I had some time and decided to post the next chapter. I hope you all enjoy this one! Thank you as always to crazyevildru for editing this chapter. Next update will be 3/10.

The air was getting warmer the closer they got to the spring. James was exhausted after finishing his laps around the lake. He smiled as he ran back to his house to see Amare and the group smiling brightly, waiting for him. He still wore their Christmas gift every day. All their cards were pinned to his refrigerator and he could barely find the handle on some days. He nodded his head for the boys to follow along in his next lap. 

They knew not to drag their feet; they always started training with a lap or two around the lake. Amare complained that it felt as if it took forever. James would always laugh at him, so determined to succeed yet so impatient. He reminded James of Natalia when she was younger. 

He shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts and focused on running. He couldn’t think about her, not yet. He couldn’t get taken back to the last time he saw her. He couldn’t be reminded of the things he said, how he tried to hurt her one last time. It was for the best; she was better off. 

Keeping that in mind, James ran faster. The kids tried to keep up but none of them could run fast enough; they weren’t trying to outrun their problems like James was. When he finally slowed, all the kids were gasping for air, some even dropped to the ground and he figured that maybe one lap for the day would be substantial. 

They continued their training on how to disarm someone if they were about to be attacked. Erik was improving greatly and he observed as Amare looked at the girl as if she were an easy target. He watched Amare attack with all the confidence in the world yet he fell completely on his ass when she flipped him over using a wrist locking method James had shown her the other day. He went over and helped Amare up but couldn’t help but smirk at the kid as he turned bright red. 

“It’s ok, kid; we always have our asses handed to us by females.” James said, patting the top of Amare’s head. He frowned slightly. 

“I bet you never have.” He replied and James laughed. 

“Oh I had my ass handed to me on multiple occasions by a female.” James responded and again his thoughts went back to Natalia and her first victory. She was everywhere yet nowhere. 

“Yes, especially if that female has fiery red hair.” Shuri called out while walking over to the group outside his house. James glared at her as all the kids started looking up at him, wondering who Shuri was talking about. 

“White Wolf, do you have a girlfriend?” Someone called out and James cringed as they all looked at him expectedly. How do you explain to kids the situation he was in?

“Oh no, he’s much too shy to actually ask her out.” Shuri responded and James wondered if looks could kill how quick Shuri would be six feet under. 

“Alright, that’s enough for today; clearly the princess needs my attention.” James reasoned and she frowned when he called her a princess. He watched them all pack up their things and start to head into the direction of town. 

“Really?” James asked and Shuri shrugged her shoulders innocently. 

“You and T’Challa are the same; if those boys see you as the shining examples of what to do to pursue a relationship, humans are going to become extinct.” Shuri replied and James sighed shaking his head. 

“You’re clearly here for something.” James said and she scoffed. 

“You mean I can’t just take time out of my day to mercilessly make fun of you?” She asked and James looked at her. 

“Alright, alright. I have some new technology for you to test out. Although first you need to shower as I will not have you and your sweatiness stinking up my lab” Shuri explained and he glared at her.

“Chop, chop.” Shuri pointed to her watch and James sighed before walking into the house. He knew that Shuri was only trying to help but she didn’t understand that this was for the best. He stripped and turned the water to freezing, letting it cool off his overheated body. He remembered a time when he struggled over the temperature of the shower. 

Again he found himself lost in Natalia as he thought about their endless debates about whether to take hot or cold showers. It was the most they ever fought about anything. He smiled, remembering her sneakily changing the temperature to slowly get warmer without him noticing. He closed his eyes, remembering just how distracting she could be in the shower but froze at those thoughts. 

He tried to make the shower turn colder, trying to wash away the memories burned into his mind. 

Eventually he gave up and just turned the shower off completely after he scrubbed himself raw with the soap. James dried himself off and changed into casual clothes and met Shuri outside before they walked to the lab together. 

For the most part it was peaceful except for when Shuri decided it would be another opportune moment to bring up Natalia. James would give the same response he always did and Shuri would glare at him, not reacting to anything she was saying. 

Her lab was always nice and cool as James walked in and it was refreshing after being out in the sun all day. Shuri was quick to grab her latest prototype for James to try. 

“It’s too heavy; he’s used to having something evenly distributed.” James said, lifting the shield up. He could tell already that Steve would be thrown off by the weight distribution. Shuri sighed and took the one away. James tried to argue with her multiple times about Steve being an old fashioned man and how he’d probably want the exact same shield. James felt guilty for being the cause of Steve not having his shield in the first place. 

He’d been working with Shuri for the past month or two remembering Steve talking about fighting being different and that he had to borrow a couple of weapons from Natasha. Shuri wanted to upgrade Steve. She believed that he could benefit from having two shields. 

It made perfect sense and he was sure Steve would appreciate the gesture but when he tried to picture Steve holding those shields, it didn’t fit right. Although in a world where Captain America was a wanted criminal maybe it was time to retire certain symbols. 

“I’ll try and make sure the weight becomes less top heavy but what do you think of these designs?” Shuri asked and he looked them over. James scrunched his eyebrows in confusion at the sight of handcuffs that appear as if they give off electric shocks.

“What are these for?” He asked and Shuri smiled slyly. 

“I noticed Agent Romanoff often uses her widow bites and I figured maybe I could design something that could be used for multiple purposes.” She said, raising her eyebrows thoroughly, hinting at something. This was not a conversation James would ever have with a sixteen year old.

“I’m telling your mom.” He said slowly walking out of the room. He didn’t want to think about how spot on she was. 

“What? You wouldn’t!” Shuri shouted after him. 

“Oh really? I have a meeting with her right now.” James called over his shoulder heading towards the exit. 

“I’ll make your suit white covered in wolf hair with a matching pair of fluffy ears.” She said and he froze. 

“You know I will.” She said and suddenly they were at a stalemate. 

“Delete the handcuffs and I won’t tell your mother.” He said and they agreed. James sighed and wondered if this was what it was like having a little sister, not having any boundaries. James shook his head, thinking about those handcuffs again. He reached for his phone to text Natalia but froze. 

It was too soon. He knew that if he started up something, he would never be able to let her go. And he needed to. He needed to do what was best for her. 

.

.

.

“I see you and my daughter are getting along nicely.” Ramonda commented and James scoffed. 

“That’s a nice way of putting it.” He said and she smiled slightly, closing her notebook. 

“As a mother I know my daughter very well, and I know that T’Challa being busy ruling a country has given him little time with Shuri. I’m sure she’s missing her older brother and finding one in you.” Ramonda explained and James looked down. When he came to Wakanda, he wasn’t meant to form attachments. Hell, no one was supposed to know that he was there. He was supposed to be no one to everyone yet now he was someone. He was the white wolf to the children, an older brother figure for Shuri to mess with, and a project for Ramonda. 

None of that was supposed to happen. He was supposed to live out his life here until they asked him to leave. He wasn’t supposed to get attached; he wasn’t supposed to think about his life here being more permanent. He’d never thought about settling down in one place before. He was never allowed to think about that, even with Natalia. 

“What’s on your mind, Sergeant Barnes?” Ramonda said reopening the book. 

“I’ve never thought about the future; I never had the chance to. I joined the army in my early twenties. I figured if I survived, I would settle down and marry and have a couple of kids. But even then it felt like it wasn’t set in stone, it was what society would have wanted but it never seemed like that would be my future.” He said and Ramonda was quiet and staring at him with an unreadable expression. 

“What about in your past with Hydra?” She asked and he let out a hollow laugh.

“I never thought I would escape Hydra. To me there was no way out; it would always end in a fight that resulted in either my death or more imprisonment. When I was living in Romania, there was no future. It was day by day with her. We knew that it would end at some point.” He said.

“And you two never thought about running away together?” She asked, thinking about their history together. 

“Our last day together, we had a fight about that. Natalia wanted to take a risk and run away, I was unsure that it would be worth it. I was happy just being with her however I know that she wanted to be with me. I told her no; I was the one that was convinced that things were good right now and I’d rather have her like that than not at all. Then that night they took me away and wiped me in front of her.” He replied bitterly, wondering what would have happened if he had just listened to her. But if they had gotten away, how long would they have lasted on the run from Hydra and the KGB? Only it wouldn’t have just been those corporations after them.

“I wanted to run away, but I was too scared. I never wanted to lose her and that’s what I wound up doing in the end.” James whispered and Ramonda’s eyes softened. 

“And now you still don’t believe that a life with her is a possibility? That you are still not good enough?” She asked and he looked out at the clear skies of Wakanda as the sun was going to set in only an hour. 

“I don’t know what I could give her. I don’t have a job or any sort of income. I’m living here because I’m a wanted criminal everywhere else because of my past.” He replied and Ramonda eyes flashed towards him as she quickly wrote something down but flipped the page. 

“You talked about becoming an Avenger. What's stopping you?” She asked, shrugging her shoulders. 

“Stark would never let me join; that man hates me the most out of all of them. I have no clue how many even know about mine and Natalia’s relationship and they probably hate me just as much. Steve, well, I haven't spoken to Steve a lot since my memories returned.” James replied, glancing back at her. 

“James, you don’t know what you are capable of. You are just assuming these things. Stark is not the only one making the decisions about the Avengers. You are afraid to be rejected, Sergeant Barnes. You are afraid to make a future of your own out of fear that it could all be taken away from you.” Ramonda said, calling him out on his words and James' eyes widened. 

“You are afraid of the future. You are afraid of yourself. You make excuses about why you can’t be with Agent Romanoff but that list you just gave me, those were all things that she herself is at the moment. Sergeant Barnes, you have been given a gift, another chance to spend time with the one you love and you letting your own fear get in the way of that. Many people are not that lucky. To lose their significant other to be able to spend more time with them? To be given a second chance...” Ramonda spoke looking down sadly. James couldn’t stop thinking about what she just told him. 

“You are not seeking forgiveness unless you try for it. Isolation is not going to get you anywhere. On the other hand, I do not believe forgiveness is what people are looking for from you.” She said finally looking up at him and James froze at her gaze. 

“I want you to think about the future. I know it might be scary but think about what you want and who you want in it.” Ramonda spoke softer than before and James nodded his head before slowly getting up to leave. He was walking to the exit but decided against it. He went to the roof instead. He hadn’t been there either.

Everything reminded him of her. Who was he kidding trying to get her off his head? She was in there. Everywhere he looked, everything he did... he saw her. He wondered if he made the right choice. He stared at the sun as it set and watched as the sky turned red. He smiled slightly at his old nickname for her. That word had been driving him crazy for years and now that he knew what it meant, he couldn’t help but smile. 

He ached for her. He closed his eyes wondering where they would be if he let her come close. What would she have said if he let her speak? Hell, why stop there in his line of regrets? Where would they be if he let her convince him to run away? Would they be living under cover somewhere? Would they have even made it? 

The what ifs ran through his mind. He wanted Natalia in his life. That much was clear. But would she want him? Did he think he was a man worthy of her? But was he ever a man worthy of her? He thought about where he was when she found him and she fell in love with a monster. 

He wanted a life with her. He closed his eyes and thought about what that included but it was just her. She was it for him. All he wanted in life was them settling down somewhere, away from the violence, away from the memories that had brought him nothing but pain.

But that wasn’t her. That wasn’t him. They weren’t the type of people to settle. He wanted to be better. He would find a way to become better for her. He would do that before he went to her. He wanted her to be with someone she was proud of. 

With that in mind, he turned away and started walking down the steps leading him home. 

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.

.

It was dark when James finally reached the lake directly in front of his house. He looked out at the purple horizon as it faded into midnight blue. It was an amazing night with the stars shining bright. James had been to many places but Wakanda was truly the most beautiful. 

James walked towards the door of his house and an uneasiness instantly set in. He cautiously looked around and inspected the perimeter of his house. He found no traces of anything being broken into however that didn’t mean a thing compared to some of the people who were most likely after him. 

He crept in using the back door leading him into the kitchen. James grabbed a gun hidden under the cabinets and walked through his house. He inspected his room and bathroom, finding them empty. Slowly making his way to the living room, he saw the reflection of a man sitting in the chair and James was about to shoot when the lamp by the man was light. 

“At ease soldier.” James found him staring into the eye of none other than Nick Fury. 

James blinked in confusion while looking at Fury. If he remembered correctly, he tried to kill Fury and almost succeeded. He also knew that Fury was with Steve. He lowered his gun but kept a hold of it. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked, keeping his distance. He stayed by the doorway, near the closest exit in case he needed to escape. 

“I’m here because of this.” Fury said, dropping a file in the middle of the table. Slowly, James crossed the room to grab it, never once taking his eyes off Fury. 

James peeled his eyes away and opened the file. A picture of Steve met his eyes and he looked up at Fury who only nodded his head and kept going. Next was a picture of Natasha’s friend Barton. He remembered the glaring man from the airport. James had to think about what he did to Barton before realizing that he was Natasha’s friend. He never realized how much he deserved that harshness. 

Turning the page again, he was met with the sight of her. He traced her picture with his hand. She looked so young. That must have been taken right after she joined S.H.I.E.L.D.. He scanned the page and it was a list of history both before and after S.H.I.E.L.D.. James kept looking and found Stark, Banner, Thor, Maximoff, Vision, etc. He looked up confused at Fury. 

“What is this?” He asked, holding the file up. 

“What do you know about the Avengers Initiative?” Fury asked and James raised an eyebrow. 

“A good amount. I think I tried to kill everyone on that list at least once.” He replied and much to his surprise, Fury kept a blank face. Slowly he stood up and grabbed a cup by his chair. Apparently Fury decided to make coffee while he waited. 

“There was an idea. To bring together a group of remarkable people to see if they could become something more. So when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could.” Fury said, taking another sip of his coffee while looking out the window. 

  
“That’s great and all but that doesn’t answer my question of what you’re doing here.” James said and another file was pulled out of Fury’s jacket. This time, he handed it to him. James wondered how many files Fury was able to hold in his jacket but decided it wasn’t an appropriate time to ask. 

He opened the file and his own face greeted him. He looked up at Fury who just nodded his head, telling him to keep going. Anxiety filled James as all his past was laid across the pages. He turned page by page, reading the detailed description of his past and when he finally got to the last page his eyes widened as bold red words outlined approved. 

“What does this mean?” He asked and Fury raised his eyebrow. 

“I tried to kill at least everyone on this list including yourself.” He repeated, throwing the file down on the table as it laid there open on the last page

“And you’re aware that everyone on that list has a record. Stark built weapons of mass destruction for terrorists. Barton was a star in carnival attraction yet secretly worked mugging and robbing people, and Romanoff was a spy for the KGB. They are no different from you.” Fury said and James looked at his file again and saw her writing at the bottom.

“She wrote it?” He asked and Fury sighed picking up the file. 

“Yes. Romanoff covers all the Avengers files however we have been keeping track of you since 2014. We believe a man of your talents could be of use.” Fury said. 

“I’m a murderer.” He said and Fury frowned.

“We all have blood on our hands, Soldier; I’m not going to tell you otherwise. Judging by those bags under your eyes, you don’t get a lot of sleep. What is the guilt?” He asked and James was silent. 

“This,” Fury said, holding the Avengers file up. “Might help you sleep better at night. I’ve heard about what you have going on around here with the kids. It’s great but it’s not the thing that you need to forgive yourself. You are a soldier; you’re not used to staying away from all the action. This could be a start on how you start forgiving yourself, by using your talents in order to protect instead of harm.” Fury stated and James glanced down at the name on the file. 

“She approved it?” He asked and Fury nodded his head. 

“I’m aware of your past. I’m aware of your present situation but regardless, we need someone like you to join our team because there’s a whole lot of ugly out there that we still need to fix.” He stated and James glanced down at the name on the file. 

“She thought you were ready to be able to handle this, as long as you choose to.” He said and James nodded his head. He thought about Ramonda and what she said earlier about what his future held. He remembered that first meeting and how he thought he wanted to be an Avenger. The truth was he missed the fighting. 

The name on the file stood out to him. Her neat handwriting right below the approval stamp. He wondered what she was thinking about when she signed it. 

“I’ll do it.” He said and Fury’s lips curved up and he nodded his head. 

“Good. I wasn’t planning on leaving until you said yes.” Fury said, putting the mug down and walking towards the door.

“That’s it?” James called out and Fury turned his head back. 

“What? Were you expecting some sort of initiation ceremony?” Fury asked and James shook his head. 

“So do I just wait for a call or something.” Fury just shrugged his shoulders. 

“That’s up to you. what you do now. If we need you, we’ll find you.” He said, walking out the door and disappearing into the night. James picked up the file again reading what it said in completion.

James touched her signature and could almost feel the indention in the page. He looked over at his cellphone, not really knowing what he was doing until he picked it up. There were only a handful of numbers listed but he found this one right away. He waited, almost hoping they would pick up. 

“Bucky?” He could hear Steve ask and James sighed into the phone. 

“I need a favor.” James replied, looking at the signature. 

  
  



End file.
